Your husband moved out...He deserves to be happy.

OTH, what you posted is absolutely correct. What you might not realize is that many of us here are proof that (if possible) reconciling with the FWS and recovering the damaged marriage is the best chance an FBS has for ultimate happiness.

Giving each couple the best chance for that result is why most of us are here.

Reconciliation is possible. For repeat adultery, the path is much narrower, and few make it. Still, it does happen. Those few times involve a completely repentant FWS, who gives their life and viewpoints a complete overhaul.

There can be a distinction between a serial adulterer, and a repeat offender. A serial adulterer is addicted to the thrill of adultery itself, and almost never choose to change. Though there are surely a few who repent and make things right with God, I would never, ever, ever advocate a BS to risk their own sanity on someone in this category. (Mulan's WXH is a prime example that springs to mind.)

A repeat offender is still addicted to the individual OP each time they cheat, but have failed to change the conditions in their life that made further A's possible. They are almost certain to cheat again, UNTIL they are willing to change everything that leaves the tiniest crack of a door open to getting their needs met by someone besides their spouse.

A person in the second category still may have a chance to R their M, under certain conditions. It's lots of work, but can be done. Even if the M is not saved, the work should still be done so a WS can become a FWS. Much patience is needed, as the damage runs much deeper in this case than with your garden-variety one-time A.

The point is, that whether the effort to save the M succeeds or not, the spouse (BS or WS) who makes the attempt will become a better person for having been through the process.

Non-specific, and not particularly practical bits of advice are always very interesting (to me).

"You deserve to be _." ??? What? Happy? Loved? <~~~ LINK

I have, after careful consideration, come to the conclusion that bits like this are, in essence,messages intended to comfort and console the sender more than the receiver.

Including when I myself am the author of self-soothing messages.

I just got some devistating news from my H today. I gave him my letter and while he said that he took it to heart and he still loves me, he can't trust me and does not want to live in the way that I layed out in my letter. He still sees it as a prison sentence for me and is worried that sometime in the future if he is not meeting my emotional needs, I will break down and find someone else again.

I know that I have to think of him and not myself. I am trying to hard right now to do that. I told him I respected his decision but through MB I thought we could build our marriage up and that using the steps everyday together would eliminate another A.

I am devistated but I have to think of him and my children and making myself better for them. It is just hard when you know you are the reason you lost the best thing you've ever had.

I am sorry 15. If it is any comfort, I know that just recently one of the posters, MirrorMirror, had decided on divorce and changed his mind. They are now working on recovering and a new life.

Please keep posting. God can still change hearts and lives !!

Be "devastated", 15Y, if you must; that's a legitimate emotion on receiving disappointing news.

Do not, however, be:

• Angry at him. His reaction, this soon after D-day, is understandable.
• Dissuaded from following through on a good start in a program of repairing yourself. Remember, the target was, is, and will continue to be, your actions.
• Discouraged. Friend, this is a marathon you're just starting. A stumble at the start can be made up over 26.2 miles.
• Disincented from communicating with us here. We will NEVER abandon you if you don't abandon MB.

Effective and consistent application of the MB practices will demonstrate the resolve your BH needs to see. Attention to his ENs will remind him of why he initially loved you.

Work the program.

Work the program for you. It's still worth it. It's still what you need.

Thank you! I am still going to work the program. It might be the only thing that gets me through this.

I'm so sorry to hear that your husband does not want to try and reconcile. It sounds so familiar to my husband said to me "i have no interest in being your prison warden for the rest of our Lives" and while i can understand that it still breaks my heart. but at the end of the day it's not my decision is his all i can do is say I'm sorry and be willing to do anything he asks and hope for an opportunity to make it up to him if he ever lets me. As for you all i can say is keep working this program and Keep your eye out for an opportunity to show you remorse regret Shane or whatever other word you can think of to say how sorry you are that's what I'm doing.

fifteenyears You asked if we are still on speaking terms and yes we are in fact when we are together we get along great for the most part (as long as we keep it small talk) the problem is when we are together for too long my husband gets uncomfortable and doesn't know want to say. Then this gets me upset and depressed and my husband notices this and it just goes downhill from there. The only thing we seem to be a able to communicate on without getting emotional is our children we have 3 girls and they are the most important thing in our lives. We work together to make sure that they have everything they need and that this whole ordeal is as easy on them as possible.

RL,
I was reading your entire thread today. I could relate to entire story, right up to the divorce. My heart broke for your entire family. We have two children and they are so important to both of us as well. I feel the same way as you do, that I have to understand what he us going through and use any and every opportunity to continue to show him my commitment to change. I am doing this for myself as well. I have done a lot of soul searching the past couple of weeks. I see so many things about myself that I should of improved on ages ago.

I will be praying for you and your family. No matter what happens I know that we will come out of this better people and hopefully our H's will be able to feel safe with us again, even if we are not together. I'm not throwing in the towel yet, but I have to give my husband what he wants verses thinking about what I want.

15,

You said
You may not realize this but this is GOOD news. Your H has spelled out the path for recovery. Look at what he said and think about it. He does not want to live in fear. He does not want you to live as if it were a prison for you. He worries that he is not enough for you and has never been enough, thus the next best offer will see you leaving him.

Now, you can sit down and develop a plan to show him that his assumptions about how you feel, what you want, and how you act WILL protect him and WILL make you happy to do it.

This is about perspective 15 and you need to start to express your goals and dreams in ways that address his fears.

Think about it, discuss it here and develop a plan. You are not divorced yet and he has not filed yet. There is hope, but the window is small. GO FOR IT!

God Bless,

JL

She did give him a plan - in the posted letter - and we did discuss it with her. Apparently he believes this would be a prison and he would be the guard. I think she should stick to it and try to show him by her behavior that she has changed.

15years, another suggestion is to counsel with Steve Harley of Marriage Builders and see if he can persuade your husband. He does phone coaching and is very good at saving marriages. You could counsel with him alone first and he could tell you what to say to get your husband on the phone.

I have thought about the coaching because my husband is not a big reader. He just seems so anti anything that is going to save our marriage right now. I feel like he has given up and don't know what to do about it.

Definitely going to show him with my behavior. He is so up and down. One minute he is yelling and me and blaming me for everything. The next minute he is texting me to see if I'm okay. One minute he is not talking to me and the next minute he is winking at me.

I told him no matter what I am sticking to the plan. I mean these boundaries and changes are things that everyone should have in there marriage, NO MATTER WHAT.

I Guess what I'm confused about is other than my behavior, what can I be doing to help him? When he has been yelling at me, I have been patient and no matter what he says to me, I say that I am sorry that I caused him so much pain. He is just so angry right now and I don't know exactly how to act and what to do or say. I want to reach out and touch him and comfort him but is that fair to either of us?

I have also tried to encourage him to get on this website and the forum. I just don't want to overstep my boundaries with him and make it worse.

One more question for the moment: should I share my plan with my children? They are 14 and 10. We have both been very honest with them the entire time about everything. They are both very smart, sincere, caring, children. I don't want to burden them with too much but I feel that I owe these changes to them as well. They deserve a better mom, especially after what I did to them.

Thats why I want to get him on the phone with STeve, he is very good at giving reluctant spouses hope. See, Steve is very logical and he will lay out a PLAN for your husband that makes sense. Most men don't like counseling but they do like Steve because he is very logical and only believes in actions. [no psychobabble] Steve will tell you what to say to get him on the phone with him. For example, he might ask you to ask your H to call him so they can discuss how to help you adjust. Then Steve will use the opportunity to show him a real plan and give him HOPE. [hope based on a EVIDENCE, that is]

Okay, so how do I go about talking to Steve?

Click on the counseling center link at the top of the page. And when you make an appt, request STEVE HARLEY.

So would I have to do a session and then my H do a session? I'm sure it would be worth it but at $225 a pop, not sure how many sessions I could afford. I really want to do this but am afraid that my husband will refuse and it will be money down the drain. I also don't want my H to feel put on the spot, he hates that.

I did send him an email about Steve Harvey and marriage coaching. I'm not sure if this was a good idea or not but I felt like I had nothing more to lose.

It will never be money down the drain!

It's an investment in yourself and hopefully it will transfer into an investment in your marriage!!

I wouldn't think you would need more than a couple of sessions just to motivate him to get on board. If you can get him motivated, the forum could help you with the rest. When you talk to Steve, you will see what I mean about how persuasive he is.