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Let me put it another way: if you get hit by a car playing chicken, the solution is to get your [censored] out of the road.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The no contact order turned out to be easier to obtain than I thought. All I had to do was tell the story to the correct IG over the phone. CO was immediately contacted and called me. I told him the story and he said it was done. I could go further a press charges on adultery and threatening me, but I don't know if I really want to screw with OM's life in that way. Ascending, You aren't done yet. There is a little thing called justice. Press charges and follow through with this. It shows your WW that you have resolve and OM that you are serious as a heart attack. It's not screwing with his life to do this, it is really helping him and your wife. CV
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Here's the deal breaker:
"4. no more opposite sex friendships"
My wife has several very close male friends, one of whom is a previous partner. She will never agree to end contact with them, and I wouldn't demand that. I do trust her in these relationships. The old partner is practically dead anyways. None of the male relationships involve sexual attraction.
"2. no more nights apart or going out without each other." Her job, which she loves, requires travel. My job occasionally requires travel. Also, I want her to go out with her female friends. After 8 years of marriage she is finally developing some good female friendships, which is something I have long encouraged her to do. Why can't she do this? There doesn't need to be physical attraction for there to be sex. All one of these guys have to do is meet an EN or two and it's on. Time apart = opportunity (as you have seen). You are setting yourself up for a fall with this. Didn't she meet OM while travelling? CV
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I have to admit that I am confused about one other thing... the FB message you received. Did OM's buddy claim to have drugged her or another woman?
Have you talked to your wife about this? Was she a voluntary participant or was she drugged and raped?
CV
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Her job, which she loves, requires travel. My job occasionally requires travel. Your jobs should complement and facilitate your marriage, not the other way around. *IF* you want to have a healthy, recovered marriage, that is. All of these suggestions are purely optional and only apply *IF* you want to recover your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Very much agree with celticvoyagers excellent points.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Sorry I missed all of the action.
Ascending, first...great job with the Army. I told you that once that CO was contacted, that a NC order would be given immediately. If this punk even sneezes in your wife's direction, you call that commander or the IG immediately. He will be in the stockade within hours! Man, I wish we could do this to waywards in civilian life!
Second, you need to listen to Melody and the others now. Your plan right now is Plan A. But at the same time, letting her know that there is a way towards recovery!! And then getting her to counseling (with Steve or Jennifer, if possible). Tell her you would at least like to talk to them and get a few sessions. Ask her to participate, no matter if she is going to leave or not.
Lastly, it is your call on whether to pursue more on the OM. He should be kicked out...he doesnt belong in my Army. And he is a loose cannon. If it were me, I'd be getting all the info to the IG/CO and then let them decide what they need to do. I will tell you that once an IG has evidence of wrongdoing, they have no choice but to pursue it. So, this is your decision. Of course, if the POS contacts your wife, then all bets are off, right?
The plan towards your wife is written in stone here. Learn it. Understand there will be some very down days as your wife goes through her withdrawal.
Keep us informed and take this time to get educated on all of this.
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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Thanks everyone,
I really appreciate the support you all have given me. I never would have known about the non-contact order, let alone been able to get it, without your informed support. I also wouldn't know that this guy was such a predator without doing the FB exposure, which again I would not have come to on my own. Its important for me to remember the role of all you good people in helping me do this, especially when many people in my life who hear about this will write it off as me being a "crazy jealous husband".
I really have to do some soul searching myself to see if I agree with the entire MB program. Right now it seems so foreign. Does "no opposite sex" friendships apply to family? If so I have deep lifelong cultural barriers to overcome if I want to follow MB. What about the mother-son relationship? I work with my mother and am very much a friend of hers. I also have to see how much of the MB plan my wife will agree to. If I hit her with "no male friends" and "no solo travel" from the get go, there is a 100% chance that she will not agree to either. Based on what you all are saying about that, my marriage is doomed. Moreover, pretty much any relationship I might pursue after this is doomed, because I don't know any women who don't have some close male friends and I can't imagine asking them to give up all male friendships. Is there no middle ground here?
So I'm going to take some time now to reflect. I will be back soon to either get more information and perhaps offer my support to others, or else say thank you and farewell. Regardless, I'm glad you all got me to where I am, because this feels a whole lot better than where I was.
be back soon!
A
BH(me) 39
DDay Jan,2 2012
DS-7 years old
Plan A- Jan 18 2012
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You are a real trooper, ascending!! You did a super job and I want to applaud you for stepping up to the plate. I really have to do some soul searching myself to see if I agree with the entire MB program. Right now it seems so foreign. Does "no opposite sex" friendships apply to family? No, of course not. We never see affairs within a family. I also have to see how much of the MB plan my wife will agree to. If I hit her with "no male friends" and "no solo travel" from the get go, there is a 100% chance that she will not agree to either. I 100% guarantee you this will not stop her if she is serious about reconciling. And if you are serious about affair proofing your marriage and therefore achieving a true recovery, you will follow this important guideline. If you don't remove the conditions that led to her affair, I assure you that you will be back with MORE affairs in your future. Want to go through this again? Keep in mind that second affairs don't usually ever recover becuase the resentment aspect is just too great to overcome. My friend, you have just been hit by a car. If your wife comes back, you need to insist she make RADICAL changes to make sure it doesn't happen again. If she won't do that, then you have lost nothing except a future of more affairs. It is your wife's responsibility to protect you from another affair. If she places "friendships" and overnight travel over her marriage, then you have a huge problem. Changing the environment that led to her affair is the first step in EARNING your forgivness and giving you just compensation. Based on what you all are saying about that, my marriage is doomed. No, your marriage is doomed if you don't follow these rules. You have already discovered this. Moreover, pretty much any relationship I might pursue after this is doomed, because I don't know any women who don't have some close male friends and I can't imagine asking them to give up all male friendships. Is there no middle ground here? Any relationship that you have in the future will be doomed if you DON'T do these things. Most people do understand how destructive opposite sex friendships and overnight travel is to a marriage. If not, why would you take the very realistic chance of this happening in the future? 50% of marriages are hit by affairs. But they don't have to be if they take these precautions.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks everyone,
I really appreciate the support you all have given me. I never would have known about the non-contact order, let alone been able to get it, without your informed support. I also wouldn't know that this guy was such a predator without doing the FB exposure, which again I would not have come to on my own. Its important for me to remember the role of all you good people in helping me do this, especially when many people in my life who hear about this will write it off as me being a "crazy jealous husband".
You're welcome. Remember, this is not the end point. You've just reached the starting line for the work needed to recover.
I really have to do some soul searching myself to see if I agree with the entire MB program. Right now it seems so foreign. Does "no opposite sex" friendships apply to family? If so I have deep lifelong cultural barriers to overcome if I want to follow MB. What about the mother-son relationship? I work with my mother and am very much a friend of hers. I also have to see how much of the MB plan my wife will agree to. If I hit her with "no male friends" and "no solo travel" from the get go, there is a 100% chance that she will not agree to either. Based on what you all are saying about that, my marriage is doomed. Moreover, pretty much any relationship I might pursue after this is doomed, because I don't know any women who don't have some close male friends and I can't imagine asking them to give up all male friendships. Is there no middle ground here?
No. No opposite sex friendships do not extend to parents or siblings. Not unless they prove volatile to your marriage. truth is, there is no middle ground if you want a safe marriage with either this woman or one in the future. My Wife did not have opposite sex friendships with other men the first 10-11yrs of our marriage and we were safe. When she engaged in it, she cheated. Now we have eliminated those friendships and we are safe again. This does not mean she isn't friends with our pastor, or other couples we know. It DOES mean that she does not spend time alone or have private conversations with men not her husband. It's about integrating lives for a healthy marriage. Remember, marriage is about exclusivity.
So I'm going to take some time now to reflect. I will be back soon to either get more information and perhaps offer my support to others, or else say thank you and farewell. Regardless, I'm glad you all got me to where I am, because this feels a whole lot better than where I was.
Please read some more and ask away! You don't want a marriage at any cost. You want it at the right cost.
CV
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have to admit that I am confused about one other thing... the FB message you received. Did OM's buddy claim to have drugged her or another woman?
Have you talked to your wife about this? Was she a voluntary participant or was she drugged and raped?
CV Did we ever get clarification on this?
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I personally think it was voluntary. I think the other POS was referring to a previous encounter, which is sick enough in and of itself. Or, it could've been an attempt at a mind screw, scare tactic, etc.
Whew, this WW picked one helluva POS!
ascending, you never answered my question: Have you considered enlisting the aid of some of these FB responders in getting more info that can benefit you? Information is power.
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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I only got three responses. Two women and the nut-job drug addict. According to them(the two women) they already shared all they know.
BH(me) 39
DDay Jan,2 2012
DS-7 years old
Plan A- Jan 18 2012
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I only got three responses. Two women and the nut-job drug addict. According to them(the two women) they already shared all they know. Ascending, Do you believe your wife was somehow "duped" into an affair with this man, or do you believe she was a willing participant? CV
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CV, I know this kind of pervert. Unfortunately, I've been exposed to this kind of predator on a couple of occasions. These are people that have no conscience, no heart, no compassion, no soul, and have absolutely NO regard for what they are doing to their victim or the victim of their victim.
In otherwords, clinical sociapath. This guy needs to be brought down, and ascending, you have the info to do just that.
(oh, to answer your ?, she was duped and willing at the same time, IMHO)
Last edited by TigerWes; 01/23/12 08:35 AM.
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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If I tell the Army to throw the book at OM, isn't there a chance he would get kicked out and then be on the streets with nothing to loose by coming after me/us?
BH(me) 39
DDay Jan,2 2012
DS-7 years old
Plan A- Jan 18 2012
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That's a valid question, and if I were in your shoes, I would be asking the same question. However...
This kinda guy isn't looking for REAL trouble. He's looking for easy "fun", and your wife fell for it. I am so sorry there. It would require WAY too much effort on his part to maintain this relationship. He doesn't care about your WW one bit..there are way too many women out there that can fall for his manipulation, just like your wife did. To him, your wife just isn't worth the effort (sorry to say this, but this is HIS way of thinking)
Let me ask you this though..
Could you really sleep peacefully at night knowing that you had the power to bring this predator down and didn't?
I don't think I could, but that's just me
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Maybe Adultery, and threatening people isn't going to get him kicked out? Right now he's trying to get out early and get his full benefit package. Maybe that's incentive for me to pursue him, since it would mean he might have to stay in longer (another 5 years I think) to get his full benefits. Maybe this is one in a long string of stupid moves he has gotten in trouble for? I just don't want to be on his mind when he gets out and is free of the no-contact order. Does the no-contact order still apply after he's out? Could his benefits still be taken away then if he breaks it? I sure would like that.
BH(me) 39
DDay Jan,2 2012
DS-7 years old
Plan A- Jan 18 2012
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Once he's out you get a restraining order. If he gets kicked out, he leaves with nothing. I highly doubt he'll spend what little money he has left to come find you.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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