I can assure you that is not my intent. I am not impeding her from digging, I was just under the impression from the website that is causes harm when trying begin the healing process.

You are blaming your problem on your wife. The problem is not that she found out. The problem is that you did it.

Right?

No. That's not right. I know I'm the problem and I'm trying to figure out thru therapy why this happened. I don't blame her at all.

Don't know from where you picked this up. Maybe you're confused with another web site that condones keeping harmful secrets from those closest to you. This web site encourages Radical Honesty.

What that means for you is this: confess every sordid detail of this and every other indiscretion you've committed. Since you're a known liar/deceiver this will only be effective to the degree your wife can verify your details.

Don't make her dig up your lies. Every single lie uncovered is like twisting the knife in her back.

Instead of looking for ways to wriggle out of the uncomfortable bed you've made for yourself, you should be rolling up your sleeves, picking up a shovel, and aiding your wife in the digging.

Psh. We know why affairs happened, and you can find out here for free if you are willing to invest some effort.

Therapy is usually just an excuse to blame hurtful choices you make on your past, perpetually.

I have done so. I have closed every possible door to the OW, I answer all her questions. I want nothing to do with the OW for the rest of my life in any way, shape or form.

No, it will help her healing. By seeing what you are doing, she will be safer.

I will tell you for free why it happened: you have poor boundaries around women. You don't need to go to therapy to know that.

That is like going to therapy to find out why you get hit by cars when you play chicken every day. It is because you play in the road.

You don't need to begin counseling. You need to stop having opposite-sex friendships. That crap only works in the movies. In real life, it leads people to the spot you've gotten yourself into. The only acceptable opposite-sex friendships are couple-to-couple friendships where your wife is fully looped-in on all interactions. Otherwise, you stay aloof from females. If the conversation gets to where it ain't business-related, then you just don't continue the conversation, period.

If that sounds reasonable to you, then good. But if you don't like that advice, then that'll be an indication that you're not thinking clearly about all of this yet.

Problematic. You are taking zero responsibility for your actions by saying you can't figure out why it happened. Your BW and everyone here know exactly why...


You have poor boundaries and do not behave in a way that protects your marriage. I would feel very unsafe if I was your BW.

My FWH had poor boundaries with women. He had many opposite sex friendships. He enjoyed conversations and for years even flirted with a lot of them. The only way I agreed to give him the chance to stay married to me is giving up women friendships completely and forever. It is one of his Extraordinary Precautions.

The thing is one never knows which one will turn out to be the one who becomes the snare. My H's friendships were nearly always with women who were pretty unattractive or older, so I didn't feel threatened (ignorant of me, yes.) Over the years, it became a habit to have these friendships. And a couple of them took off into infidelity.

So now? He agreed to stick only with business/non-intimate topics with women that he can't help dealing with in the business world. I have his email password and when I have seen conversations that cross over into the slippery slope area of personal or terms of endearment or anything of that sort, I call him on it. He thanks me for my input, because it was a hard habit to break.

Ending all opposite sex friendships is the only way I can believe I'm safe staying. (Not to mention the no-travel precaution.)

To add a different take on this, I mistakenly thought (as did my husband) that as long as our marriage was good, there was no harm in opposite sex friendships. One can't be tempted if everything's good at home, right?

WRONG!

I will never make that mistake again. My H has poor boundaries and didn't even see it. He never INTENDED his email/text Emotional Affair to become physical either. Like you, Problematic, the OW lived far away and was a former high school "friend." Consider yourself fortunate that this was all brought out into the open before it became physical! I can't tell you the devastation my husband's affair has caused me, my children, and him. We are recovering, but it is something I will never fully forget.

Like LongWayFromHome, the only way I feel safe in my marriage is by my husband having NO opposite sex friendships.

Be glad that your wife is doing everything in her power to snuff this out and being vigilant in this matter. Do everything you can to protect your marriage and rebuild it CORRECTLY. That should take extreme precedence over counseling to figure out why you have poor boundaries with women.

[video:youtube][/video]

Infidelity: What every couple should know.


What every MB forum poster should watch.