Hey guys, I've voraciously read through the MB site. WW had a multi-year A with a fellow across town. We're reconciling, but she has never been very forthcoming with much detail- the A was busted by a scorned GF of WW's lover, and now I'm dealing with the aftermath. I'm alarmed because although it appears to be over, with no more contact, the lover is still in town. My biggest concern is the amount of "I love yous" that they supposedly uttered, and I feel a need to get my arms around just what I'm dealing with here.
I have an extensive list of questions I want to ask; from when it started, to who initiated it, to how often... well, you get the idea.
At what point do my questions serve no purpose but to torture ME, once I have the answers?

SadD,

How long has it been since your wife ended the affair? Being that you have read through this site, I'm sure you know about the No Contact Letter and all the things you need to implement for recovery, correct?

Do you have any of Dr. Harley's books? Have you read Surviving an Affair?

It is extremely important that your wife answer your questions in regards to the affair. Having said that, what you need to ask now depends on all the factors I mentioned above - and more. How much detail have you already received from her? How far into recovery are you?

It's good you have a list of questions. Don't ask them until you have them all lined up. If you've already gone over these things, it won't do you any good to keep going over them. However, a one-time discussion of it all is important to your road to recovery.

As for what you "should" ask - it's highly personal. Remember that once you ask something and receive the answer, you can't un-know that answer. This information does have the power to torture you. Yet, unanswered questions that will haunt you also can be the undoing of recovery.

Others can help provide a better list - but I would say the basics you must know are:
who he was
what is their background together
is he married - does his wife know
when did all this occur - how long did the affair last
what were the factors that enabled the affair: phone calls? text messages? email? facebook or another social networking site? working together?
(Working together is a big one - one of them needs to be GONE)

It's natural for a former unfaithful spouse to not want to go into detail about it. However, you have a right to know. What you don't want to do is to bring it up over and over again. Dr. Harley suggest one big pow wow over it and that's it.

Is your wife refusing to answer your questions?

Hey, thanks for the response. We've been in trickle mode for a while, since A was exposed 2+ mos ago. I really think discovering the MB website was a godsend for both of us. I haven't read any of Dr Harley's books, and we have seen a pastoral counselor who seems pretty good, and have had 3 sessions. He thinks we've made impressive progress, as do I.
Most reliable info about the A came from anonymous source via email, who stunned me with details that only an insider knew- of a 10 yr affair- turns out it was the recently-spurned GF of OM. Armed with this info, only recently has WW conceded to the level of Emotional attachment. Meanwhile, I grew increasingly restless over the yrs while attention from WW seemed to wane... of course now I know why.
She's been slow to answer questions, and our counselor is being cautious in this area. We are reconciling successfully, but I feel a strong need to understand what I'm dealing with, to some level of detail, and not have this drag out. I agree with a big pow-wow, to ask questions and then move on.
There's been no further contact, I hawk all comms. We work together, so WW and I have frequent daily contact. But ex-lover is still in town.
I was stunned by this woman being able to say she loved me (and our family), yet tripped across town to say the same to another. Seems there were needs that I wasn't fulfilling.
As to my unanswered questions, I probably need someone to sanity-check them for me.

Dude:

Sucks you're here. But now that you are let's admit you have not fully killed the affair. She may not be laying with him nowadays but in your head she might as well still be.

You need to know what it is you need to know. Where , how often, what sex positions, did he wear protection, yada, yada, yada. If that is a line of concern. Maybe you're curious about if they went to dinners or dancing, ask it. The key is get all dirty details or otherwise out in the open, then it's MB process time. You are not to keep asking those questions.

I spent a solid month picking at the edges of the details after she got caught. I wasted recovery time by not setting aside a time to get all i needed. Then about 6 weeks in she came home from work, my mother watched the kids, we took a drive and I handed her 15 sex related questions typed out. I gave 15 minutes to digest them. I made it clear any lying as I perceive it to be would be met with a bad situation. At that point, she was so beaten down by all of this, nothing but truth as she remembers it was said.

Desperate to keep us together, for 45 minutes I learned about my wife's sexual escapades (hardly) with her guy. It closed open windows of doubt. She didn't turn into a porn star with him. It actually seemed a bit lame.

I still wrangle with questions along that line but I don't ask them.

Just let her know in order to fully process what happened in her a and for you to be able love her again,you need to know what it is you need to know. You tell her after she truthfully answers, you'll never ask again.

MB 101, my friend.

What has been done post affair?
NC letter?
What level of exposure did you do?
Do you know how WW met OM?
Has WW been living transparent, cloased FB, give up all passwords, access cell?
What have you done to monitor NC, hide a var in WW car, one in the house, key logger on the PC?

Dr Harley strongly recommends that post affair that you and WW move far away from the OM to help insure NC.

As to questioning, how much is enough.
The rare BH upon WW confessing she had a PA, the BH asked is it over are you staying and never talk about the affair again. This drives most WW nuts because most BH are on the question train and their's is not.

Then there is the other extreme that have to know every detail, fom not what was done in bed but who said what, wore, ate, etc.

Then most BH fit in any where else.

Then most BH are warned that once you ask you can't unhear the answer. So think it through how bad do you need to know.

There are many BH that never got the answers they needed post dday. Then over 30 years later not getting answers has never let those BH to leave the PA in the past.

Post Affair- a lot has been done. I directly called OM and warned him away that next day-so far, so good, NC. WW has promised NC, and I have the ability to monitor all comms. So far, so good. Most of recovery is going amazingly well.
Re: exposure, I differ with Dr. Harley on this one, only our closest freinds, pastor, and counselor know the details- my assessment is that if exposure can help, then I'll do it, but if it's not helpful, I won't. (If only every other issue were so easy!)
The A lasted 10 yrs, and may have been on the wane.
Thanks for the general advice on questions- like has been stated, we've nibbled at the edges, and WW wants to be present with counselor before a full disclosure. Counselor has same concerns as you do about being unable to "unhear" an answer, so I stand here forewarned...

Hey Mike, I see you were brave enough to ask all that you felt necessary.
My WW spoke to a gal-pal about her own divorce, and the pal said, "My biggest regret is that I asked for details". She says it still haunts her.
Did any of the "detail" haunt you?

Deatils haunted me...until I found all I needed to know.

I'd rather "know" the wound and allow it to heal rather than walking around all my life with unknowns, questions...and worse - - assumptions. (I say this becasue some of what I assumed about the affair, was much much worse than reality. The vets are correct -- it's simply a tawdry act, destroying vows, with no meaning or love. Knowing only the details I needed to know confirmed this and allowed me to begin to heal, not question the 'romance/passion' of it all...)

Thanks.

In my case, I did not ask for specifics. I wanted to know all the basics, but I know myself: hearing dirty details about positions, etc... would drive me insane. I'm not a person who lets go of things easily. I felt it would hinder recovery more than help. Over a year into recovery later, I'm glad I didn't ask specifics.

Will I one day regret not asking? I don't think so, but I can't answer that for sure until a couple of years from now.

Here's the thing I looked at, SD: how am I with other things in my life? When people have wronged me in the past, how easily was I able to let go of associations to that wrong - in handling details? How was my relationship with that person going forward, knowing what I knew - even when I was supposed to have forgiven?

I highly advise you to get the book Surviving an Affair. Your pastoral counseling can help in some ways, but the key to reconciliation is a good recovery program. Marriage Builders is incredibly awesome in the way it directs you towards the future - in building a great marriage - something you can't get from traditional counseling.

Sad dude, welcome to marriage builders. Sorry for the reasons you find yourself here.

It sounds like you have done an exposure so you don't differ ffrom Dr Harley. Unless you have t exposed to the OM's wife? Is he married? And if so, have you told his wife?

Has your wife ended all contact with the OM?

Are you comfortable hearing details about the affair in front of a counselor? I only ask because I would not personally want to share that private moment with anyone other than my spouse. There is no need for a counselor obviously.

It actually causes more harm not hearing the details of the affair because in order to re gain trust you have to know everything. You can't recover if she has secrets with the OM to which you are not privy. You need enough detail to create a complete and full picture so you understand what happened. So the level of detail will differ for each person. However, only YOU can dete4mine what you need to recover. Your wife and a counselor cannot determine that.

Sd, this is from Dr Harley's newsletter Requirements for Recovery. Most counselors do not have any idea how to recover a marriage after an affair so if your counselor gives you advice that conflicts with this, you are probably in trouble:

"The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted." http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2311122#Post2311122

Get the info you need now and do it in an organized manner. No more picking around the edges, but think hard about what you ask before you ask it.

I chose not to ask much in my case and things still occasionally nag at me 8 years later. It's one thing I would do differently if I could.

That said, still think about what you ask. I know someone personally who is going through this now and she knows every detail imaginable about her H's A. That knowledge seems to get in the way of her being able to commit to a plan of recovery.

SadDude, you have been given some good advice already. Just remember once you ask and get the answers there is no way you will every forget the answers. My WW was willing to answer anything I ask her because I think in the back of my mind she wanted to come home. Near the end of the A she would call or come over just to talk because she was lonely. I sensed this so I had a list of questions for her. I got the answers and to this day some of the answers still sting from time to time. The OM worked with WW which presented another problem. I ask her if she could keep her clothes on while working with him. Thankfully the OM quit about a week after we were back together. Looking back I can now see how it would have turned out if he had not moved on. As for the counselor I took my wife to one the day she ask for a divorce and the SOB I was paying advised her to leave. I wish you the very best

Melody, thanks for that excerpt. This is one of the reasons that this MB site is so valuable- I would have floundered if left to my own devices. It's good guidance.
I have some pretty specific questions that I've given thought to, but need to make sure I "don't ask the question that I really don't want to know the answer to".

Another reason to get as much detail as possible is because you may want to RECONSIDER reconciliation. That is a good thing, not a bad thing. You have to know everything in order to make an INFORMED DECISION. Having half of the information prevents sound decisions.

If the truth is too ugly for you to consider staying in the marriage, then you need to know that up front. Illusions or half information will not make you happy.

It has been my experience on this board that recovery is very crippled when details are LEFT OUT, because the BS continually wonders and when the truth does eventually come out, it is like going back to Day 1 of recovery.

Get ALL the truth, so you can make an INFORMED decision about whether or not you want to stay in the marriage.

And will the details hurt? Of course. Adultery hurts. Rape hurts. Assault hurts, there is no way to avoid that. But not knowing will hurt worse.

SadDude, if you err here, do it on the side of too much information. You can deal with too much information, but it will be much, much harder to deal with NOT ENOUGH. You might as well go for the full monte NOW because if you are still wondering 6 months from now you have a choice of trying to suck it up [almost impossible] or asking THEN, which will trigger you both. Harley is a strong advocate of getting ALL the truth up front and never bringing it again.

And keep in mind, this is information about you life that you have a right to know. You are entitled to know it all.

And see, if you follow Marriage Builders, then you will REPLACE that old marriage with a great marriage. When you fill that hole with something positive, you don't remember the negative anymore. Having a great marriage cures the wound of an affair. That means you won't be left with lingering resentment about knowing certain details. It is much better to know too much than not enough.

SadDude, Melody gave you some excellent advise. Put some thought into the questions you what answers to and the ones you don't want answers to. There are questions I knew better than to ask but ask anyway and my wife was brutally honest in answering them. The answers are as crystal clear in my mind today as the day I ask them. Some questions are better left unasked or unanswered.

HiRoad, Weld,et al.
thanks for the input. I'll closely assess my tolerance for hearing detailed answers, and what their long term impact might be- it's hard to imagine that, over a 10 year period, that there was much NOT performed by those two, considering that this supposedly developed into a love affair.
I'm cautioned by all who recommend care when selecting questions, because of their lingering power. But, a 10 yr A... could it really get any worse than the hurt of knowing that for a while,she cared for another more than me?
The OM is still in town, so my guard is up. My counselor's advice was that "the best revenge is to live happily ever after". I couldn't agree more.

SD, is the OM married? And if so, does his wife know about the affair?

It is easier to overcome too much information than too little. Just keep that in mind. Too little will keep you wondering for years. Too much will fade with time and a good marriage. The big caution here is not asking TOO MUCH, but too LITTLE because you will always WONDER.

Just let me add this:

When we had our 'talk', I asked WW a whole slew of questions...but left out 2-3 I was too scared to really ask/know about.

That ate at me, for many, many MONTHs...the mental movies, the what-ifs, the assumptions, the obsessive wondering, the will-I-ever-knows....frankly, I started to resent the feeling of NOT having all the info I needed to determine wehther I wanted to stay married or not.

Also, I realized that if I couldn't get her to be honest about THIS, the carnage, well then what could I ever be able to trust her about?

So, not too long ago, I bucked up and asked. I found out things that were painful to hear, but many more things that were far from the fantasy I had created about the affair (from the unknowns) in MY head. But I've been able to confront them, heal, and move forward.

NOT knowing would've left me discontent in my decision and wondering crazily for years...questioning...

Just an FYI.

Thanks.