I haven't posted or been here in a while. I thought things were going along very well. He's been great. Lots of bonding and doing things together. Seems happy and calmer. I'm moving past it with the ONS on my mind much at all.

He sat me down last night and asked when I fell out of love with him. I was completely blindsided. What? Never. How did he come up with that? I asked if he might be projecting and if he actually felt that and he broke down and started sobbing. He said no, if anything he's even more in love. Ok, then what's the problem?

He's hurt because he feels I "healed" too quickly and with very little anger from the whole thing. I told him I still had times I was angry and reminded him of talking with him about them. How sometimes out of the blue something will remind me and I'll reach out to him to share and get closer to him to help work through it.

I've had bad dreams he's woken me up from and held me. I've been more aware of his activities and his schedules.

He said his few friends that know all the details were so "impressed" by how I've handled it and how close we seem to be and then one said teasingly, "unless she doesn't give a [censored] and is biding her time". Then I guess they started discussing how that's a real possibility as they knew their wives would have cut their $&@@s off.

First of all, no one knows how they'd handle it until they've been faced with it. I also reminded him at the beginning I was done and was ready to walk. His actions and work made a huge difference with how I got through it, as well as this site, which he still refused to visit. I've printed things off and asked him to read so we could talk about but he's not very open to that.

Not sure what I'm doing wrong or what I can do differently. I was clear that it affected me very much and there wouldn't be a second time.

He's also very "concerned" about my new boss. According to him he sees this man looking at me all the time at off site get togethers and he doesn't like him at all. Said he's too "familiar" and never looks him in the eye when he's talked to him.

My boss as never been anything but professional and I have never even been alone with him other than my review and 2 meetings that were short and to the point. No chit chat.

Is this the new "normal"?

Yes totally normal.

There is not one WS that has no problem riding someone elses bicycle. But just let one SOB dare to ride their bicycle and it's WWIII.

Then combined with facing the common knowledge that a BS post affair is very likely to go out and have a RA.

So post dday there is a WS that knows they have created a situation where their bicycle may not be faithful and will let others ride them.

As to your WH concerns about the way your boss looks at you.

Well as a guy, that has worked guys. When there is an attractive woman co worker. We won't say anything unprofessional. Then add that because we have no desire to have an affair with her we will still check her from out top to bottom and stem to stern. And not acknowledge her good looks to her. Though will acknowledge her attractiveness one co worker guy to another that she is very good looking.

So your boss is acting 100% professional. But the man wearing your boss' suit is looking at you as a man that is seeing a pretty woman.

Reves,
I think it's too soon to decide if this is your "new normal". It is normal for the stage you're in but may not be permanent.

I sometimes have trouble understanding my husband's reaction to my affair because I "think" if it was me that I would explode.

However, as you said, no one can predict how they're going to respond to an affair. My husband's reaction was the complete opposite of what I thought.

The first thing I said to him when he found out was "please don't kick me out" thinking that would be his reaction. He reacted quite calmly.

Your husband is just feeling very insecure right now because you are handling it well. I don't think there's anything you can do except reassure him that your committment to making the marriage work is real.

Do you ever have revenge fantasies? Tell him about them. My husband appears passive but his revenge fantasies are the total opposite. I feel good when I know what my husband would really like to do to POSOM even though he'll never act on it. Know what I mean?
CT

CT, not many BH's but there have been enough, that outwardly their only response post dday when their WW told them they had an affair their reponse was, is it over, are you leaving me. Upon hearing yes it's over and no I'm not leaving I'm staying with you. The BH then refuses to talk about the affair.

Upon hearing the answers they needed they then refuse to ask or hear any more about the affair.

I think it has to do with they know their mind won't be able to stay under control if they heard more. What ever they would hear will never fade from their memory. Trigger none stop for years.

As to why stay with a WW?

How about you met all their needs, or met most of their needs well enough to be happy.

Or they say in every relationship someone has the upper hand. Maybe the BH feels that even though you were unfaithful once, the damage can be repaired. Because he was lucky enough once to get someone (you) way above his league. That he would never get that lucky again and get another woman as good as you.

So a BH when faced with the choice to stay mad and spite himself or get over it and move on and recover.

Reves, it isn't that uncommon for a BS to feel a lot of anger at about 6-12 months into recovery, so you may not be out of the angry woods yet.

It seems that your WH has been doing a lot of the right things. I am bothered by the fact that he doesn't want anything to do with MB. WHat are his reasons for that? Do you have SAA? Would he be willing to do the online course or phone coaching with one of the Harleys? Sell this program to him as a way that the two of you can fall in romantic love with each other and stay that way. You can have a SPECTACULAR marriage by following MB.

Holmes: I'd point you to the extraordinary behaviour of the dog during the night.
Watson: But the dog did nothing during the night.
Holmes: Exactly! That was the extraordinary behaviour!

Inconsistencies to expected norms bother me.

WH displays the following:
1) Aversion to attempting the MB plan.
2) Disbelief that you recovered so (for lack of a better term) easily.
3) Evident disinclination to defend your character. (Friend: "...biding her time." NG: "Wanna swallow some teeth?")
4) Unjustified jealousy of your necessary interactions with your superior.

From waaaaaay out here in cyberland, this untrained layman puts it together that WH is (subconsciously?) intrigued and attracted to the idea of DRAMA in your marriage.

Look at how it fits:

1) If I invest in the MB program, a strong, united marriage would likely result, yielding NO DRAMA!

2) She's not a weeping, cringing betrayed wife? Where's the DRAMA?

3) Yeah she's setting me up for an RA, yielding much DRAMA.

4) Maybe Mr. Superior could become that RA. Got my DRAMA!

I needn't even mention how he managed to get this whole ugly mess started by "passively" allowing it to occur, neither taking overt action to encourage it, nor to prevent it.

I am also q worried you are not following a plan for recovery.

Dr H says most marriages are a crippled version post affair unless a program to restore the romantic love is followed.

He says even a slight derivation is usually disastrous to recovery.

And counselling of the BS choice with MB is usually a non negotiable EP.

Unless the WS agrees to EPs a BS is advised to Plan B them.

Why? Because wild horses won't keep a repentant spouse from working on the marriage. His wanting things on his terms is a big red flag.

He's right - you have been too easy on him. Insist you both follow a plan where he is encouraged to pay you just compensation for the A.

I would counsel with Steve H alone if he does not agree and Steve is very good with reluctant husbands

I would agree with NeverGuessed. He's seeking Drama. He gets bored.

You two have to work the program!

"From waaaaaay out here in cyberland, this untrained layman puts it together that WH is (subconsciously?) intrigued and attracted to the idea of DRAMA in your marriage."

Sorry, don't know how to quote. I'm wondering this too, now and reading your responses (thank you all) I see things I'm concerned about too.

Not sure what, or how to address and proceed.

Would you consider calling Steve H? He's very good at getting reluctant husbands on board.

You could present him with your EPs, which would include following an MB plan for recovery, and say 'This is what it will take to keep me in the marriage'. But somehow I think you would feel more comfortable with Steve's backing than doing that alone.

Did you ever present him with EPs? What were they?

It might help if you got your old thread merged with this new one, cause theres a few things I cant remember.

This struck me Reves. You know his entire schedule, surely - not just more of it?

And what snooping methods do you have in place?

I think I remember your WH being very keen on doing a poly. How did that go?