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Please read 1. Cor. 15: 3-5
If you have trusted Jesus Christ as your Savior, I would like to hear from you.
I understand that unmet EN's are a recipe for marital infidelity, Believer or Unbeliever.
Other than a PA, what, from a Christian perspective, constitutes "Infidelity"?
I know there are some Christians who have fallen into affairs (PA's, EA's, Online Chats with people of the opposite sex, Porn)
How does a Christian rationalize and justify their inappropriate behavior?
Is it possible for a Christian to "think" they are close to God because they read Scripture and have quiet time with God on a daily basis? Even though their spouse feels alienated, alone & insecure in their marriage?
When someone suspects (intuitively knows) that their spouse is engaged in a secret life, what are they supposed to do?
What if their spouse denies, yet the suspecting spouse does not believe them?
Is the suspecting spouse supposed to simply love their spouse and deny their suspicions in order to let God reveal the truth? If so, how does the suspecting spouse do that?
Is the suspecting spouse required to not ask repetitive probing questions which causes their spouse to become agitated, defensive & angry?
What if the suspecting spouse is told that they are being manipulated by the "enemy" & they are not supposed to ask questions? They are supposed to keep their questions between them & God... Ie. Their spouse should not have to answer questions.
Can anyone give me scripture that will address any of my questions?
Thank you in advance to your kind reply.
Mark 4:22
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 639
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Hi Wise1,
Your post is elusive in the sense that I'm not totally sure what you're asking.. There's a lot in there..
Are you the suspecting spouse? Are you one of the two in the party? Or is this hypothetical?
I'm going to answer you as a Christ-follower, so I'll respond more theologically than normal.
You said that "unmet EN's are a recipe for marital infidelity". I want to bounce thoughts back to you on this, first. I think yes and no. In a temporal sense, when we don't feel good, we want to pursue feeling good. That's just human, "flesh", whatever you call it. It can be both good and bad, depending on what people do with it. When we're hungry we eat-- that sort of thing. When we feel bad, our material, human response is to want to change it. So yes.
But then, no. When Jesus modeled the spiritual disciplines that he modeled (time in solitude with God, prayer, fasting, serving others, etc) he was also modeling a method by which human effort could invite God's power in to change the power of being led by our physical or psychological drives to transforming into people who are free to live the abundant life (meaning, to live good, virtuous life, without being controlled by our body or psychology).
From that perspective, infidelity is the result of lack of self-control, lack of higher spiritual transformation, etc. It's the result of the material body and one's psychology acting out its natural patterns, habits, and modes in response to the world.
The quick answer for how a person seeking to be like Christ rationalizes their behavior is "self-deception".
I have a very sad and heart-breaking story (left me broken) for how self-deception led me to ruin my marriage. I don't have time to share it now.
"Jesus looked at them intently and said, 'Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.'" Matthew 19:26
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Joined: Sep 2003
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I'm not sure I can answer what constitutes infidelity from a biblical perspective. Certainly being sexually exclusive. Emotional affairs are more difficult to pin down as I don't think scripture talks about anything other than pornea (and other words.)
But perhaps someone with more Greek, Hebrew and other original text experience can flesh more of that out.
I think as one who follows Christ we have two models to follow. One is in Matthew 18, with respect to church discipline. I do believe the MB plan follows this. Matthew 18 spells out exposure. First you go to the sinning party, in this case your unfaithful spouse and tell them you know about the affair and you want them to stop. If that doesn't work, you widen the exposure, taking a group with you, and finally you take the matter to the church as a whole if your sinning spouse will not end her affair.
The second part of this is spelled out in 1 Corinthians 7. When done properly, church disciple will result in a repentant spouse or one who has, after the evidence is examined, judged to be unrepentant and is to be treated as an unbeliever.
That doesn't mean you throw them out of the church. As one of the goals of the church is to reach the unbelieving. But if they are in leadership or teaching positions, they are not allowed to remain in those positions.
Now we get to the next part of this. We are instructed in 1 Corinthians 7 that we are to remain with the unbelieving spouse if married to one until THEY choose to end the marriage.
That's a tough pill to swallow, and I do believe scripture gives allowance for those who cannot do that. One is allowed to divorce an unfaithful spouse.
But God's plan, as I read it, is we are to wait for them to either end the affair or end the marriage.
If they want to end the marriage, we allow them to do so, as we are not forced nor can we force another to remain in a marriage they don't want.
I would put those who walk away without an unfaithful spouse in the same unbelieving category. If you leave your spouse who is not cheating on you, then I believe you are saying with your actions that you do not believe that God can work in your marriage.
Others may see it differently. This is what I get from studying the scriptures on the matter and using the examples of how Christ treated others and how God continued to give unfaithful Israel chance after chance.
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Joined: Apr 2010
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Please read 1. Cor. 15: 3-5
If you have trusted Jesus Christ as your Savior, I would like to hear from you.
I understand that unmet EN's are a recipe for marital infidelity, Believer or Unbeliever.
If a true, perfact christian had his/her needs unmet he/she
should turn to God if talking with the spouse does not work. Nowhere in the bible its says you should not commit adultery EXCEPT when your spouse is not meeting your needs.
Other than a PA, what, from a Christian perspective, constitutes "Infidelity"?
In proverbs it says to heed for the woman that lures you onto the false road, because she uses sweet words to lead you astray. In the new testament, it says that a man should leave his mother and father and should hang onto his wife, for they shal become one. That means to focus on your spouse with which you form a unity. That unity will become damaged once you take too much interest in someone else. Also, the bible says for example that someone who has influence in the church, that he should be a man of ONE wife.
I know there are some Christians who have fallen into affairs (PA's, EA's, Online Chats with people of the opposite sex, Porn)
How does a Christian rationalize and justify their inappropriate behavior?
Like he she rationalizes every sin. There are a number of good answers to this question, but you should seek out websites on psychology to go deeper into that.
Any human would either minimize the sin, or blame someone else for it, (sometimes
even God), or try to justify. That has nothing to do with the bible or with christianity, because adultery sins against the very core of the marital union and
against the commandments.
Is it possible for a Christian to "think" they are close to God because they read Scripture and have quiet time with God on a daily basis? Even though their spouse feels alienated, alone & insecure in their marriage?
Please read up on the story of the farizee and the tollkeeper.
When someone suspects (intuitively knows) that their spouse is engaged in a secret life, what are they supposed to do?
Man and wife in the marital union become one. When you are one, you have no secrets for your spouse. If you do have secrets your spouse is entitled to know, even has the
duty to know these secrets to help his/her spouse cope and help keep him/her on the right path.
What if their spouse denies, yet the suspecting spouse does not believe them?
if he/she lies or speak the truth, you have a right to verify.
Is the suspecting spouse supposed to simply love their spouse and deny their suspicions in order to let God reveal the truth? If so, how does the suspecting spouse do that?
No, you would not help your spouse to break with their sin if you left them alone and just waited. You have the responsibility to help your spouse who is astray go back to the right path. You have already spoken to your spouse in private. Now you have to find out if he/she is telling the truth and if not, you will do good to follow the path of exposure once you have evidence on the contratry. (Mark 18 I guess) The bible promotes getting evidence and not to judge someone because of mere heresay. (See the verse where when one person comes with an accusation it is not enough, but when two persons say the same thing it is regarded as true. Nowadays, we do not have to solely rely on personal statements, you may make use of modern technique, which can be just as good as two peoples statements. The quintesence is, that any judgement should be verifiable.
Is the suspecting spouse required to not ask repetitive probing questions which causes their spouse to become agitated, defensive & angry?
It is not helpful. Groundless accusations are not biblical. Neither is angrily arguing. If the sinner is unrepentant he will lie to you. Get evidence, because it is not doing good to accuse without evidence.
If something is going on, you will find evidence. If nothing is going on, you will find that out too.
What if the suspecting spouse is told that they are being manipulated by the "enemy" & they are not supposed to ask questions? They are supposed to keep their questions between them & God... Ie. Their spouse should not have to answer questions.
That, I would say, is typical talk of an unrepentant wayward spouse. If you have questions to the whereabouts of your spouse, and/or to the extent of their relationship with other people, he/she has no right to deny you that information. The two of you are ONE and have no secrets to eachother. If your spouse denies you any personal information on that basis, he/she is clearly being misled by 'the enemy'.
Can anyone give me scripture that will address any of my questions?
Can your spouse back up with scripture that he/she is to have secrets for his/her spouse? I have not found the word privacy in the bible yet. But I know of a lot of manipulative people who are not in the Lord but claim to be, that try to shut other people up with the old anthem: if you speak so to me, you are working against the lord/ are helping the devil etc. He/she should be able to back up with scriptures that his/her behaviour is right.
The whole bible is full of verses that promote healthy boundaries and extreme precautions to protect the marriage. Even the elders are not supposed to visit a woman alone, but 2 should go to prevent EVEN THE SLIGHTEST SUSPICION of evildoing.
That is why your spouse, if he/she wants to be a christian has not only the responsibility to answer your questions and not commit adultery, no, he/she has to even AVOID ANYTHING THAT COULD EVEN REMOTELY LOOK LIKE IT. Because such things could damage the reputation of christians and the church.
Please get evidence and talk to your minister.
Thank you in advance to your kind reply.
Mark 4:22 Please do not try to convince an active wayward of his wrong ways with bible verses. It would be like casting pearls before the swines. This person knows perfectly well, what he/she is doing is wrong. This bible bashing you is just a tactic to intimidate you into silence and he/she knows that in his/her heart. The fastest way to repentance: get evidence, expose to pastor and family, bring the sin out in the light of day. May God bless you, Happyheart
Last edited by happyheart; 02/27/12 03:17 AM.
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