NG,
Your right in so many ways.
So I'm assuming from what I've read from others the typical response should be #2 wich it is at this point. I have not said much to her at all since this all got exposed but you gave me some ideas when whe do talk about stuff.
She will undoubtably try to pin it on me again and I can work up my resonse in advance!
My problem still stuck in my head is what do I do? I Love her very much but unless she comes to the realization of what she has done I will not accept her to come back.

I know this is to general of a question but do most realize this at some point or do they stay in denial to protect themselves from realizing what kind of crappy morals they let them self have.
What should I focus on other than defending myself from her selfish acts of not being able to tell herself she was wrong. And its sad but if she stays in that mindset she is on a long road downhill because she could never stop lieing to cover other lies until you hit bottom?

RT,
There's no way to know how your WW is going to respond. She may be like me and realize fairly quickly the mistake she's made. Or she may be like my ex-friend who didn't realize until years later after she married POSOM that she's STILL not happy and now she's stuck with HIM!

In fact, to this day, she won't admit that she was in an affair. In her mind, all was morally well because she didn't have sex with her POSOM until she was divorced.

I'm sorry you're in such a bad place but you're doing everything right!
CT

I'm asking myself that same question, RT. WW is blaming me for her loss of friends, impacts to her career, etc...She even went so far as to say she had been screaming about her needs for the past three years. Mostly, I'm able to brush her rantings off, but this one hurt a lot and caused me a lot of self doubt at first.

I may not have been the perfect husband or father, but I was a damn good one. Even if I had been a [censored] one, that does not excuse cheating.

What do I do if she doesn't come to her senses?

Follow Harley's plan and if she doesn't come to her senses then you move on. I know I am making it sound easy but it's not.

Recovery takes so dang long.

Here's another example. My cousin cheated on her husband with her "soul mate" and divorced him. She then came to realize (after only 2 months mind you)that POSOM wasn't her soul mate. Now she is totally alone and still cries on a daily basis because she's lonely and depressed and missses her husband.

They usually do come to their senses. If they don't, then they stay wayward and their lives are miserable.

A wayward does not have the capability to love. They don't have the capability to be intimate.

The best you can do is spend six months demonstrating to them why you are their best option.

We all have the ability to fall in love with anyone ... it is maintaining that's the challenge.

Waywardness is the this **edit**. They are high as a kite on chemicals from the wrong person.

What does that person have (Physical attractiveness, intimate conversation, recreational companionship, Sexual fulfillment?) They usually only have a couple ... try and meet at least three of the above in the next six months ... as men you can probably swap out physical attractiveness for affection.

Find her top needs and meet them daily for six months ... or do the best you can. Then and only then do you have an excellent chance of getting your wife back.

rts, you continue to show her love and present yourself as the soft place to land as her affair crumbles. As her affair crumbles, she will sober up and come out of her fog. I need you to LOVINGLY present your list of conditions at the first possible opportunity. At first she will scoff and tell you that you must be crazy, blah, blah, blah, and blame you being SATAN INCARNATE, but you just tell her that you want to do a better job in the future and are even willing to give her a chance to EARN your forgiveness in the future! Then go through the list of things I posted.

While she won't go for it now, you will have planted a seed. In fact, I would write it all out in a love letter and hand to her when you finish telling what it will take to get you back. She can read it again at her leisure.

Melody
Ok I will work on this letter situation. Do I give specifics or just a general I would be open to this if she can realize things and follow certain guidlines. I dont think this is a good time yet to give her this. If you read the rest of the post.

Update,
As of now she wont even answer my call or txt. Not even about the kids. Pretty dumb. I know some of you said she would throw anyone or anything at it and hurt anything but I never imagined she would do this with the kids to tell them lies and then try not to let them talk to me. She is deathly afraid I'm going to tell them what she has been up to.
She told her mother she is not welcome to see the kids either because mother does not back her immoral actions.
Lots of anger and Fog I guess.

What is your plan to get your kids? They do need to be told of her affair and the reasons she moved out.

This is your ticket. And you have your MIL to back you? Instant credibility with the kids. Work it.

yes my plan is if she does not call tonight or in morning I will contact my attorney in the morning to tell him the situation. I then will see how soon we can have a court apperance if need be. I will let her have one more chance to contact me back and deal. At least that my prelimenary plan. I have talked with her parents. They would like me to get as much of the kids as possible until she can get out of the fog or funk she is in. I will also bring in my parents or anyone else needed who knows what is going on. and can see the truth.
It's pretty simple I guess if you tell the truth fully than what have you got to hide.
The simple truth some of you said to me is its ok for her to tell the kids lies but not ok for them to hear what the truth is in her eyes.

...its ok for her to tell the kids lies but not ok for them to hear what the truth is...

Yup! It is just a specific instance of the generalized principle above:


And it's not just AN instance, it is the KEY instance. Regardless of how young and trusting your children are, they won't be that way forever. Someday (hopefully sooner than later) the question would be raised "If adultery is something not to be committed, what was Mommy doing with Ol' Blobbo, while married to Daddy?"

Your job, in every possible future for them, is to be their rock of integrity.

Meanwhile, exposure and uncompromising adherence to a moral recovery is your attempt to sway her to change course to Option #1.

rts. Your MIL rocks. Her reaction is exactly what exposure is intended for ...pressure from peers to end the immoral behaviour.

It is all about Plan A right now. Show WW that home is a safe place AND the best place to return to once WW decides to commit to the marriage.

You are doing great. James Bond.

New developments

Wife did not bring kids over this morning for school. She dropped them off. still trying to avoid anyone telling them the truth
Now get this
She emailed the great Dr. H this morning and blamed him for me exposing her things that may cause her to loose her job and it is in jeapordy, and it has made her scared. She tried to tell him by me confronting the other guy that makes her and him scared and I'm crazy and the Dr. encouraged me. and she is going ot hold him accountable legally financially and morally.

Nice,
talk about anger! exposed and now she is going afer anyone and not taking any blame for her actions.

The Dr. replied to her more than this but.

basically telling her to take responsablity for your own behaviors and stop blaming others for the problems you created for yourself.

Cant believe how angry and crazy and nothing is her fault she is acting like.

Go Dr. Harley!! Can you please post it??

Your wife is still trying to blame you as her world crumbles. But thats ok, this will blow over.

TELL THE KIDS TODAY. It is real important that you get them and give them the truth. That might be the straw that breaks the camels back..

I am of two minds with this information, rt.

First, I'll admit to being entertained by the lunacy contained in such an e-mail.

But, as it appears WW's cheese is slipping farther off her cracker, I would be concerned that she has complete control and care of your children.

I think "We'll see what happens" is over. Unilaterally removing children from their home is legal actionable, and correctable. Get that done.

How did she know of this website?

Are these her children by a previous marriage?

Do you mean...we have a wayward...who is...mad at Dr. Harley??? :::GASP:::
I'll bet she thought she was going to set him straight, huh?

Yep. Why are you allowing your WW to continue to call the shots while you sit meekly by? Get your WW's butt out of the seat and starting driving the bus, rt.

Can't believe I missed all this. LOL, she emailed Dr. Harley and blamed him? In my best Mr. Sulu voice; OHHHHH, MYYYYY!!!!

Do you have the initial email from her to Dr. H as well as his response? Would love to see this. Like Mel said, talk to the kids ASAP. Hell, we've all said it so I find it difficult to believe that we're all wrong.

Good question. Would like to hear the answer to this one.

As far as this site. I was on the radio show a month or so ago and she was asked to listen and Dr. H had asked her to respond.
she never did because at the time she said she never had a EA or PA and it was all my fault we were not working out. She wanted more attention, more say on how things go around here,upset with the prenup she worked with our attorney to set up to prove to me she didnt want money but for me to love her forever and that she would never leave, turns out one excuse after the other to cover up her guilty feelings of what she got herself into at her work. The truth came out and now she has to take blame for herself.

Yes I'm working on getting the kids back at least part time. As of now I have not been able to talk to them since Saturday because she is hiding them and wont answer the phone. I dont want to go there and take the chance of her trying to say I'm going to her house and scaring her or something and then she uses that against me. I dont know what to expect from her. She is useing everything she can to keep me away from kids because she knows that is all she has to try to hurt me. I have a attorney working on this so it doesnt backfire on me somehow. She is a smart women but honestly out of her mind right now.

Is this Fog or extreme Fog?

I love her but I cant beleive she is acting this way.

I heard from another DAD and MOM today she was at the school and wouldnt even talk to some of the other parents that were there today. I told him what is going on and he and she said oh that makes sense she is really embarressed.