I understand I guess she wont see the light until until the affair is done and then she may see the light that we had a really good life and a dang good reltationship compared to what I see from others as well as other relationships I was in or she was in the past.

Contrast effect is in what book or where can I find the description?

So today I'm having a rough day emotionally. I am frustrated at so many things. My wife and her having a affair I understand what happened. It's not right but it happened and I dont know if the exposure has made them team up to support each other since no one else I know including family members will.
I'm frustrated with wife that she has blocked me from seeing the kids her reason is so I cant tell them what happened and why mom wanted to move out.
I have not even been able to talk to wife because she doesnt answer my calls.
I just talked to my attorney and we will have to file in court against her if she wont talk to me. This is dumb now she is dragging kids into a mess for her own revenge or happiness or ? whatever dumb reason. She knows how good I am with the kids and how much they mean to me.
There is just so much going on in my mind. How do I proceed in so many ways? I'm just really confused and sad.
Proceed with plan A work on doing things my wife would like but she only accepted them when she wanted to and now she wont even talk to me after exposure.
Plan B would play right into what she wants I think.
Pretty down does anyone have any good ideas or things to look forward to!
I've always been a very very strong person physically and mentally but not lately.

RT,
So sorry for your pain. Are you able to function? Do you think you might need an antidepressant?

Do you like to read? Maybe keep reading up on affairs but also read a book for pleasure (a mystery or something that has nothing to do with romance!).
CT

rt, I know it is tough for you to see from your perspective, but as someone who has seen this same scenario play out many, many times over the years, it is not nearly as bleak as you think. I have a lot of hope for your situation. And let me explain why. You have probably killed the affair dead or at the very least, hastened its death. You have ruined any hope of her having a future with the OM. If she goes with him, she will have to sacrifice her own family, her children [when they find out] and will likely not be welcomed into the OM's family. She will be a pariah.

The only thing holding this affair together was the FANTASY aspect and you have all but ruined that with your exposure. She is still fighting that acceptance because she is very, very addicted to this OM. The fantasy is dying as we speak and as it dies, there will be nothing to hold this affair together because the OM is a rat. This relationship is built entirely on fantasy, thoughtlessness and deceit. When the fantasy dies, the thoughtless and deceit will destroy what is left. It is in its death throes right now.

I predict that once you tell the kids about the affair, it will be the final nail in the affair coffin. She already has been deprived of her family and friends and now she faces the loss of face with her own children. It is a disaster.

The odds are completely on you winning your wife back. 95% of affairs never make it to marriage and of those that do make it beyond 2 years, 70% of those end in divorce within 5 years. Contrast that to your odds: 65% of marriages stay together after an affair.

So you see, the affair is doomed. Yes, the exposure drove the OM and your WW together temporarily; but they are on the sinking Titanic. It won't last.

I have been through this numerous times over the past 10 years with other board members, and while there are no guarantees, your situation looks hopeful to me. Your exposure likely saved your marriage because it was so destructive to the affair. Don't let the tantrum of enraged crackhead scare you one bit. Once the crackhead sobers up, you will see light. It is coming. Just be patient.

Focus on getting your kids back and telling them about the affair. You need to otherwise try to RELAX and sit back while the affair crumbles. It is crumbling as we speak.

p.s. tell your attorney to make it a condition that your children NEVER EVER be exposed to the OM. I don't care if he says "we can't do that," tell him to make that happen. [he works for you!!]

We have NUMEROUS people here who have that in their custody agreements. You just have to push your attorney to do it.

From what I understand, the three kids are hers from a previous marriage. Not sure how much leverage he has unless he's adopted them.

Is that right, rtschida?

comedy and melody Thank you, very very much. Your right this is very very painful and definately the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with bar far. Loosing my supporting wife and kids hurts, I beleive in God and the bible.
Somehow God has a good plan for this, not sure how, but i am a firm believer we are good for each other.
She helped me be a family man instead of only worrying about what I wanted 10 years ago. I taught her how to be a go getter and not give up on dreams because when we worked together we could succeed at it all.
I'm having a hard time at times I guess but with some of your good points or ideas I can be hopefull.

Melody I really like your optimisim. I am typically a glass half full guy. Lately I fluctuate. you made great points, I think your exactly right, but my mind starts to play games or wonders and then its not good. Any other ideas or suggestions or optimistic things are great.
I am always looking how to do or fix something and its really hard for me because with this there is nothing I can do.
You could give me a instruction book 2000 pages long and I would figure it out but in this case I'm doing the best of what you experts and DR. H say because there is no instruction book.
I have to live in faith that I will make the right decisions and wife may come to realization and our marriage can be worked on not to be the same but better and our kids will be back home happy again.
I miss the real me, wife, kids, and I worry that this is taking a toll on me and my mentall and physicall health and my ability to promote and keep my business running properly.
When it comes crunch time I seem to be able to pull it out as far as work but I'm just not prepared like I want to be. It gives me alot of worries but I know if I set my mind at it I can get it done usually.

I tend to be a realist. If you read my posts, you will see me saying to many people they should just give up and get divorced because the situation is hopeless.

In your case, it is far from hopeless. There are many reasons for hope here.

You are just getting distracted by her anger. We all knew she would be furious over exposure. Your marriage can survive her temporary anger, but it CAN'T survive an ongoing affair. This is why you shouldn't be so scared about her anger. She is angry for a good reason: you ruined her affair!

Are those your kids?

rt, you are so underestimating what you've accomplished thus far. There was plenty you could do, and you did it. There are a lot of people on this board and even more not on this board floating out there aimlessly doing nothing to protect and fight for what is rightfully theirs. That is not you.

You are fighting the good fight, and you have a lot to be very proud of. How all this shakes out is anyone's guess. You have a lot of good things happening right now, even though it may not feel like it.

You really have no idea what's going through her head right now. Sure, she's scrambling for cover because of your attack, but it's her actions that forced the attack. Like I told you earlier, you are way too early into this to be expecting desired results right away. Give exposure time to fully do it's job, and then go from there. Keep everyone here informed of what's going on, even if it seems unimportant to you. You would be surprised at the "reading between the lines" skill levels that are on this board. Trust me on this one and use it. I can't stress this enough.

You have done a stellar job (actually, pretty much textbook), so don't go hanging your head now. You have a helluva lot to proud of. BUT, you still have a long way to go...either way.

Rest easy knowing that you have done what you can do, and nobody can take that away from you.

Hang in there pal!!

Anger from exposure is very much like a child throwing a temper tantrum. Some children are more stubborn than others and take longer to learn that their own tantrums/behaviour are actually just digging the hole deeper.

Everything important to her is crashing down around her and she is aimlessly trying to stay afloat. YOU on the other hand have a PLAN. It is Plan A. A safe place for her to land when she is ready to become that honest and loving wife again. Don't let yourself get distracted. Stay strong. Women love strong men.

You are in a great place with the support from her family. Stay close to them. The pressure from them is stronger than you may think.

Melody
that makes me feel even better that your a realist. Thank you. I like the truth! Always a big rule of mine with people. I generally can judge people pretty well and dont like 1/2 truths.

Tiger
thank you also for pointing out the things I can overlook the good or at least better place I've gotten to hopefully. Yes I do have to allow things to work, that is a hard thing for me but I will work on that and have faith.

Poker
According to parents she was quit the tantrum thrower as a child. Parents gave in to often they say now.
Very happy to have a plan a that I'm studying and getting it down. I hope.

thanks everyone for the help, keep helping me see the good things and the help everyone. I will keep everything updated.

well update today
When I aproached OM after finding out about affair for sure one thing om asked me is it you want from me. I said leave her alone but I'll get back to you.
I did via email and among other things told him to leave my wife alone never talk or see her again. but I got no response until today.
Today I got a email saying. you have the right to ask for what you did. Its obvious you are devoted to your family and determined to keep it together.
He doesnt take kindly to demands or intimidation as I confronted him and notified his family.
He says I need to consider the example I'm setting for my children.
He recognizes he made some bad mistakes in life has issues to work through and that is not my problem.
He recomends I see a counselor and if my idea of a counselor is Dr. phil he suggest I see a real counselor as they may be able to help me or us. They have a high success rate for saving marriages, this is because they dont prompt you to confront the 3rd party. his brother has experience with this.
He encourages both me and wife to enlist the help of a professional if your commited to making your marriage work. Taking things out on him or wife is not the answer. It's not a sign of weakness to ask for help. he is doing so himself. he ask me to do the same.
He says I made a mistake by contacting his father he is a retired police officer. He understands the tactic but it was a bad idea he says. When father called him last weekend he was less than impressed with his conduct and I terrified his mother (from what a letter stating please help me ask your son to stop seeing my wife, is that scary) I succeded in destroying his reputation with his family and work and he deserved it. his father feels threatened (again why? all was said in letter is what I said before) Father contacted other son and he threatened to bring the world down on me fro contacting his parents. He has asked them to hold back(uh oh)
He apologized for any pain its caused me and he is walking away and wants nothing to do with me or wife. he will work with wife stictly profesional when required.
In return he expects me to never contact him or family again. If I ever contact him again he cant control what will happen.
He offers he walks away and we never revisit this ever again. i respect him he respects me. Consider this carefully so I dont jeapordize the ability to be with them. He has considered to get a restraining order (huh what did I do or say? I exposed the truth thats it) he also may consider harassment, terroristic threats and stalking. If I dont accept his offer as is in xx hrs he will do that.
he is done and wants nothing to do with either of us. If i love my wife and kids forget about him. If I dont then I am soley responsible for what happens next.
No offer besides I accept this offer will be accepted (what the ) He feels this is a fair compromise as damage on both side intentional or not has been done and asks it to stop now.
He talks about a law passed castle doctrine which grants a homeowner the right to kill someone unlawfully in there house, but this is not meant to scare me just his convictions (what, I've never been to his house and if I went into his house I would expect to be a dumb but and get in trouble).
He has this sitting on his desk waiting for my response properly or he will file charges. consider options carefully dont want to have kids visit you in jail

Nice response, I guess exposure may have worked?

LOL, ya think?? I am literally LMAO over his "conditions". This guy has some nerve.

Get this to YOUR lawyer. There are implied threats here that moronic OM should never have committed to writing. You probably have enough here to have a restraining order placed on OM AND his family. Won't THAT make Daddy proud? Maybe Momma will have that long awaited infarction! (Just kidding! maybe...)

Do this tomorrow.

(Does WW know that OM for all intents and purposes just confirmed in writing their affair?)

Now,
in ways I'm happy as this may have seemed to work.
The demands he is trying to put on me are stupid. You play by my rules or I'll call the cops and maybe I'll play by whatever rules I want.
Now I'm pretty sure he is seriouse about not wanting to deal with this crud anymore. at least I know I am and for gosh sakes I dont ever want to have to see or talk to him again or here about him.
His family, the only thing they got was a letter asking them to help me with there son to show him what he is doing is morrally wrong and I want to save my family please help. Not even a mention of any threats remotely. I have all letters and emails saved to everyone. I think he may have blown smoke at his family to make me look bad. but it sounds as if they may have set him straight. Apprently his brother went through something like this with his wife then this guy goes and does the same thing.
I forwarded the letter to my attorney and he laughed but told me how to respond and kept copies of all corespondance with him his family and his work all in writing.
Think affair is done?
What to do now after I respond to him. only gaurentee is he leaves wife alone and I wont talk or see him or his family ever again gladly.
That still leaves wife and I to work on our situation if she comes out of the fog and comes to realization of stuff.
Then Dr. Harleys plans get implemented hopefully to help her and me.

rt, I got about two paragraphs in and then my eyeballs started to glaze over. It's all wayward-speak.

Don't believe a word he says. I'll have to check - did you expose on his side?

He should be thankful that you're not ready to kick his [censored].

Man oh man, you are doing a fantastic job here. Curious though, just how did your lawyer inform you to respond?

You should have come here first for a response though. It would've been MUCH better.

There is no guarantee he will leave your wife alone. He has even told you in his letter he WOULD be in contact with her. You don't negotiate with terrorists. He does not set the standards for you. The deal is if he doesn't leave your wife alone, he and his family will be hearing from you again.

What kind of response did you give this rat?

He tells you right here that he is not ending contact with your wife. He has no leverage and nothing to negotiate WITH. You don't negotiate with an empty handed man. You hold ALL THE LEVERAGE. He holds none.