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My wife is divorcing me. We've been married for 4 years and she dropped this on me out of no where a month ago. Of course I've been going through every emotion possible. I feel like I should still stay commited to making this work until the judge rules us divorced. Every day I try to be nice to her, but with no avail. Her viewpoint is that if she's nice to me then that might give me hope that she'll change her mind. She's completely cold and shut off. I don't want this to happen. According to her I'm in denial, but I still want to make this work some how some way. When do I stop trying? What else can I do?

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Stay, why is she divorcing you? Has she taken up with another man?

How old are the two of you? Any children?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Why does she want a divorce? Any children? Is there an affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I'm 29 she's 26, we have a 3 yr old son. We've had our share of ups and downs going back to before we were married. She's been holding every little thing in for so long and decided that it would be better if we were divorced. She's not happy, not financially secure, and has fallen out of love with me. I found some emails and text messages to/from another guy. PA is ruled out at this point because he's out of state 1500 miles away. But there's obviously an EA. He's 23 gettin his rocks off on a married woman and has no idea what he's doing.

She's totally shut off from me and every time I bring anything up like that, she blows up and tells me to leave her the F alone and she can do whatever she wants.

She started to listen to different music, which for some reason is a big red flag to me that she's going through a really weird phase that was possibly triggered by depression.

I think she has no clue what she's doing. I hope she realizes it, but I don't think she's gonna change her mind.

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Ah. What you have here is an affair. Even if the affair is not physical, it's still an affair.

I'd suggest that you click on the notify button on the bottom of your post and ask a moderator to move your thread to the Surviving an Affair forum. The people there will be able to give you suggestions on what to do next.

I hope you will be able to save your marriage. Your little boy deserves better.


Me: BS 51
Himself: WH 53, EA/PA w/ RunnerSlut his "running buddy."
Buncha' kids. The two youngest are still minors.
Separated: 08/13/09 after 25 years of marriage
Plan D: Filed 11/13/09 Final 3/30/11
MC told me that he probably has a personality disorder
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I'm simply asking for advice on how to handle myself. When do I stop trying to make it work? She's already filed for a divorce, so technically this does apply to divorce. This EA had come after she's filed.

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Originally Posted by Stayinoptimistic
This EA had come after she's filed.

She filed BECAUSE OF her affair. Her goal is to replace you seamlessly.

Who is this OM? Does he live with his parents?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Welcome to MB ... sorry you are here ... she most likely CLAIMS the EA came after she filed .. but i promise you this guy has been around ... creating a contrast effect against you which lead to her wanting to divorce you. I suggest you bust up the affair.

Do YOU want a divorce?

Do you know your wife is like a crack addict getting high off the feelings she is having for this OM because she gets some of her needs met with him and the rest with you? Take away her "crack pipe" (other man) and guess what will happen? She will most likely fall back in love with you again if you follow the plan here on MB (PLAN A THAT IS). She is an addict ... and is in a fog that rewrites all your history and amplifies only the negative ... and if you do divorce .. she will do it again because the issues you have in your current marriage will come up in her next one.

Kill this affair .. dont go down without a fight .. DO NOT play PLAN DOORMAT and bend over and let her leave if you love her ... Women do not like door mats and will not respect you for being one. Listen to the vets ... they can guide you and help you have the best chance at recovering your marriage if you want it.

You got nothing to loose if you make this difficult for her ... other than a loveless relationship. Will she be raging mad?? YUP ... and thats ok ... at least then you can say you gave it a fair chance..

MNG

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I really appreciate all your inputs. Keep em coming.

She is trying to rush this divorce, her attorney, our mortgage lender, and me. I'm trying to "Plan A" it but am having a hard time knowing when Plan B is supposed to start.

Obviously she thinks that divorce will solve all our problems, and my analogy to her "Liposuction won't change your eating habits."

I'm definitely not perfect, but she's the type of person that is extremely hard to please. She hasn't tried nearly as hard as she could to try to fix things, which to me sucks because I wish there was something I could do to at least get her to try.

In the mean time, I feel like I'm sliding into a depression and overwhelmed to take any action. She won't even give me the time of day.

Last edited by Stayinoptimistic; 01/16/12 04:54 PM.
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WHile you "PLAN A" dont just give her the carrot ... you gotta give her the Stick of plan A too!

You need to expose her nasty affair to your family her family AND ... OM's family ... etc ... this will put tons of pressure on their affair.

Dont tell her you are going to expose .. JUST DO IT. If you tell her before you do .. she will just spin it to all your friends and familys to make you out to be the bad guy.

By NOT exposing .. you will just continue to show her that you dont care for her and that is not something to respect, thats being a door mat. Your child DESERVES to have 2 loving paternal parents that love eachother. Dont give up ...

Do you think OM's family is going to approve that he is taking part in home wrecking someone and ruining their marriage? I think not! Once you put the heat on this guy ... he will run away... She is just an easy target for him right now ... but if oyu make it hard for him and cause all sorts of drama for her and him, he will drop her like a hot potato and look for something easier.

YOu are BOTH responsible for the condition of your marriage... but your wife is 100% responsible for getting her emotional needs (usually for woman its intimate conversation that gets them falling in love becasue he listened to her complain about you and said all the right things for her to keep coming back) outside the marriage. ONce you kill the affair (she will be HOPPING mad) she will be in a better place after she recovers from her withdrawl (several weeks) to start a recovery process ... in the mean time you read all you can on here ... find out your love busters and ELIMINATE them .. and her emotional needs BECOME AN EXPERT AT MEETING THEM ... and get to work!

If you have done some reading here .. DR> HArley states that a man should be in Plan A for somewhere up around 6 months.

If you DO move to PLAN B .. You keep the kid .. and she leaves. Make it CLEAR that as long as she is having an affair .. you will not allow her to expose your child to OM.

Stand up for your marriage man!

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I would ask a moderator to move this over to the Surviving an affair forum.

There is alot more help there than here. You CAN stop this divorce if you make it hard for her to even get it in the first place ...

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Thanks MNG

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If you want this thread moved for more support. Click notify and ask a mod to move it to SAA forum.

Read MelodyLanes link in her sig about EXPOSURE. It will give you a general guide line about how to commence a stellar exposure and blow her affair out of the water and give you the chance to meet the needs she is getting from the OM.

MNG

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Originally Posted by MrNiceGuy
It will give you a general guide line about how to commence a stellar exposure and blow her affair out of the water and give you the chance to meet the needs she is getting from the OM.

MNG

I think this is the key. I am in the process of gathering the shells and am planning for this weekend.

Blessings


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Originally Posted by Kirby
Ah. What you have here is an affair. Even if the affair is not physical, it's still an affair.

Absolutely true. I wish I had a nickel for everytime my x-wife said, "He is JUST a friend."

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You two have a son together, like it or not you will be a part of each others lives at least until that son is grown.

When do you stop trying to make things work? Until she gets married again. You need to at least be polite to each other for your child's sake.

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Originally Posted by StacyC
You two have a son together, like it or not you will be a part of each others lives at least until that son is grown.

When do you stop trying to make things work? Until she gets married again. You need to at least be polite to each other for your child's sake.
No, there is no need to be part of each other's lives once you have divorced (or even before, if you are separated).


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His PA 2003-2006
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Originally Posted by StacyC
You two have a son together, like it or not you will be a part of each others lives at least until that son is grown.

When do you stop trying to make things work? Until she gets married again. You need to at least be polite to each other for your child's sake.

Staying in touch with a divorced spouse is usually not good for the children because it is stressful for the parents. If they could get along, they would be married, after all.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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ITA, ML.

The stress can be even worse if one of the divorced parents is an unrepentant cheater, or worse, married to the POSOW/M!


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Ditto. Parallel parenting is starting to become more of a necessity with the high rate of adultery that lead to divorce.

It's pretty funny that during my divorce, i pushed my lawyer and the GAL to recommend parallel parenting. I sent them several documents that discussed they whys of it but they wouldnt consider it (although i've still implementing it).

A couple weeks ago, i saw a news story that stated our state is quickly understanding the need for it and are considering some type of regulations for it. I wonder if my lawyer and the GAL remember me when that happens.


BS - Me 36
WS - wife 34
Married 10 yrs
DDay - Early November 2010
WS filed Divorce 11/9/10
Divorce final 12/22/11

1 Corinthians 13:7: (LOVE) Beareth all things, believeth all things, HOPETH all things, endureth all things.

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