LOL is all I'm gonna say to you Caracal. (I am advice-less though)

Thanks for responding anyway reading. I know Scotty is gonna be a lot more heavy handed than that lol!

I feel a little bit like at least I have a piece of the puzzle. No-one ever gets all of the pieces whilst the wayward is still wayward, but at least I have one of the key bits like who the he77 she was. And yes, she was about 22 at the time, 23 now. Bet Gollum's family would be interested in that if they don't already know... I'm considering re-exposing to them too.

Go ahead! One big party!

Just be sure to space out messages if you message all 280, as FB will short-term ban you from doing so if you do too many too fast.

Okay, I am not going to be as heavy handed as you wish(having a rough kinda week, so here goes).

I am going to tell YOU something. A while back(can't remember when, may even have been last year), the privacy settings changed on FB. My mom snooped on OW. She found OW's family listed on the wall. Now, for those of you who may remember, I exposed before I entered Plan B, but I didn't know if I got a hit on OW's mom, or dad. I messaged ALL of the people with her last name, only to find out that her mother had remarried, and her father wasn't listed on her FB then(my mom told me their names and they weren't part of the people I exposed to). I asked a trusted MBer, in private, and she said, "Plan B, let it BE."

I would say that you shouldn't expose this far out. It's your choice though, and I understand the need. I wanted to do it.

Why did you enter PLan B? What was the reason? Has that reason changed now?

Do you know what you are going to feel like after you do this? DO you understand the crash you will have? Are you prepared for re-entering the drama?

Thanks for always encouraging me to think Scotty.

I remembered reading about your situation about re-exposing before which is why I KNEW you would challenge my plan. I know it is not just for that, but because I WILL be re-entering the drama. Actually, with this confirmation of OW, I already have. I know my reactions, I know the rollercoaster has picked up pace and loops. And that it will get worse if I expose. But then so will my hesitating and deliberating about it, it drags the drama out.

I know it is a long way out from D Day. And the impact it will likely have on the A is decreased due to that.

I entered Plan B for the wrong reasons... I, like many other BS's, believed my WS would come to his senses when he lost me. At that time I did not understand the power of the addiction. I also entered it because my friends and family were warning me that I was unravelling and fast with his contact in Plan A.

My reasons for Plan B now... it does provide as much peace as is possible for me at this time. I am not in Plan B to preserve my LB$, and never was. Actually, I wish my LB$ would go bankrupt. Too much of my Plan B is still about Gollum though. I am still finding it very hard to let go. I admit it. I know exposure will further delay this.

So I will be making a sacrifice by breaking Plan B by exposure. And that is not Plan B or MB.

Yet my desire to expose has stayed with me... not knowing the identity of the OW, not even having that respect, was very difficult for me. I almost envied other posters who got to expose even though their coaster was just the same as mine. Horse Ho has had no consequence. In her eyes I have simply rolled over and died. In Gollum's as well. I want to do the best I can to stand and fight. So no matter what, I know I gave it my all.

And I think if I don't do it, I will regret it. I think I'll be wondering "what if" months down the track. Its likely too late to recover our marriage (and yes, I recognise the hope in that sentence that will cause a crash), but its not to late for me to feel like I did the best I could with what I had.

Nor is it too late to wipe the smugness off Horse Ho's face if only for a short while.

As for the "evidence" on FB, I have not seen it myself yet. My friend saved it though. There are only references to collecting Gollum from the airport (after he had not had a shower after SF with me!) and about nine days after that there is a reference to her being ill and a colleague (who I was friendly with, GRRRR!) then comments that sex with Gollum will cure that. Horse Ho then jokes thats how they caught if off each other. Note that Gollum has a common Christian name and surname is not mentioned. There aren't any pics but I think this would be sufficient for Court if she tried to go me for slander... her and Gollum have connections with a legal firm that may get them cheap fees so this does make me wary.

After your last two posts, I strongly advise AGAINST this exposure. That's just me though. I think, and truly believe that it will do you NO GOOD.

I'm waffling on this one for sure. I fully understand where Scotty is coming from (and endorse it), but I fully understand where Caracal is coming from as well (LOL, endorse that one too).

The problem, as I see it, is that up until now C had an idea of who the OW was, but no proof. She now has proof and is in a position to gain "something" for herself by exposing her to all her friends and family for what she is. She wants, no needs, to lob a grenade on the POSOW that infiltrated and destroyed her marriage. I get it. I understand this sentiment completely.

Caracal, I would take a few days to consider this. You need to weigh the good against the bad. The good is you get a little adrenaline rush and some personal satisfaction for taking some action against a previously unknown assailant to your marriage. You didn't have that opportunity before, but now you do.

The bad is more multi-faceted. You do this, you set your recovery clock back to zero. You do this, with the time that has passed, it may come off as petty and vindictive. I could go on and on here but I'll let you do that in your mind.

I'm pretty much on Scotty's side with this. You've come way too far in your personal recovery to risk it all on the roll of the dice. I think you have more to lose than gain here.

But that's your call.

You're in a pickle Caracal and that is partly because you should not have let a friend talk to you about OW or her FB page.

However from the situation you are now in, I am in two minds. This is very non MB of me but I imagine that not taking action now you have the power will grate and annoy you so much that you will find it hard to regain the peace of Plan B.

Whatever you do now will hurt. The fall out from exposure will be massively painful for you. The clock on withdrawal will start over again from day one. Personally just the idea of doing all that work over again makes my head hurt.

Personally, I would say let well enough alone and time will lull the urge to get OW. You know she is an OW and that she has her own karma countdown going on. Also that the lack of drama has been working its own magic on the A.

You can't expose effectively now, because your doors are shut. People can't help you fight for your marriage because you aren't fighting in Plan B.

I understand the urge to do something and it will hurt you not to. I just think exposure at this juncture will hurt you personally as well as hurting your credibility as someone who has checked out until he caves.

The proof in itself was a clear break in Plan B. She should have told her friend that she didn't want to hear a thing about OW. Her friend shouldn't have told her anything about it. What does it change for Caracal in her personal recovery? Right now, it's tanking it. I am more concerned with Caracal's emotional well being. Again, that's just me.

Caracal, you're in PLan B, and I can't endorse you knowingly breaking it. Plan B INCLUDES OW. You now know who OW is, and in knowing, you have received more harmful information than you should ever have had. I believe that this is what is clouding your judgement on what the right thing to do is.

Don't make this any worse. Get outta the drama. Get your head back into Plan B mode, and outta Gollum mode.

I have another thought(wow, muppets on overdrive here tonight folks, who knows where this will lead). Caracal, why did you come here to confess and not just go out and DO IT? I think you already know your answer. You WANTED us to talk you out of it. THink about it.

Caracal, i was in your shoes several months back. I found out who OM was and thought maybe if i did a proper exposure, i could still save my marriage. At that point, like you, id been in plan b for quite a while.

I came here as you did with the same idea. I wanted to see what everyone thought. Guess what? I had a couple say do it, but the majority told me exactly what their telling you, dont.

I didnt do it but i will say just the information alone caused me to be a complete mess for several days. And when i say i was a mess, i mean it. I cried and wondered and cried and wondered some more. I felt like i did very early in the process.

You know that you shouldnt have recieved the info about the ow, but you did. And now, look where you are. As much as it pains you to do nothing, nothing is what you have to do.

It will do absolutely nothing for you to reignate a flame that was down to just embers. You will be a basketcase again, if you are not already. Dont do it. Keep moving forward.

I think there's a whole lot of truth in this. Her MB instincts kicked in when her emotions were running wild. I understand where she's coming from, but she came here first. I do like this.

You know what's right Caracal.

Do you want to save the marriage by exposing? That is the only reason you should expose.

Reasons of vengeance will backfire on you. You will be the mean BITS and it might make thier union stronger. OW will feel sorry for WH, and the drama continues

Then you will be back where you started, trying to recover.

Think about this, will you win your husband back, by showing him what he has become? Or will it drive him farther into Horse Hos arms?(yeah good luck horsey). What are your odds at actually winning something?

Many times it takes time to realize we will be fine without them

I've been thinking a lot about this one also and have to agree that this is more detrimental than good.

Any exposure right now, or attempt to communicate with OW will have better chances of reigniting the drama (A thrive on drama) than to save the M.

As for the triggers, they will be strong and will keep coming for a while (with no control on your part).

I've been quiet on the boards because Plan B has been broken and I have had unrelated things going on in life.

Its time for me to get my lumps. I exposed.

I want to thank-you all for all of the advice you gave for and against my exposing. I did take time to weigh it up. And Scotty, you are partly right. I DID want you all to talk me out of it. Because I was absolutely terrified of exposing, worried about the response from Gollum, from family and friends. Which is partly why my first exposure was so weak (although not knowing who OW was didn't help either).

I don't think that many of my FB messages got through now that FB has changed its messages from strangers (they go directly to "Other", not inbox?). Still, I hit some key targets, although Horse Ho and Gollum are surrounded by enablers.

I have learned information from exposure that I did not need to know. Some of it hurt and certainly I had a few days of high anxiety, loss of appetite, sleeping, all D Day things. But the proof that Plan B has made me stronger... I am bouncing back. And there have been no tears whatsoever in relation to Gollum and what I have learned. I am unsure if this is going to creep up on me in the coming weeks, but for now, I feel okay. I'm actually a bit worried about how okay I feel... I expected to be devestated, and my IM is worried about the lack of tears with what I know. Delayed reaction maybe? I'll have to wait and see.

I can now see that Gollum's affair is no different than any other affair on here. I think I always had in the back of my mind that he was having the romance of the century. With what I now know, this is unlikely. His affair is an addiction. I would rather be in my situation than his.

I feel pretty proud of the fight I have put up for Gollum and our marriage, facing my own fears of other people's reactions. Sadly exposure was too late, but I did the best with the cards I was dealt. I am hoping the exposure response will end by the coming weekend.

Because now its time for me to get back to being dark, and moving forward for me. Personal recovery is my way forward.

I would have exposed as well! You now really did everything in your power to save your marriage. Whether it works or not, the affair needs to come out in the light. You are so strong and will come out fine either way, best wishes!

Caracal, I am very worried about you. You sound ill or in shock.

You know I LOVE exposure and to see adultey dragged out from its dark hidey hole. You know I rejoice in it.

But I cannot rejoice in anything that has cost you so dearly. Our first priority (and yours too) is YOU.

Is this even exposure? Have you asked people to contact you and support you in your negotiations for the marriage? How can you do that in Plan B?

Since the damage is done, can you share with us these details that have upset you so much?

How on earth are you going to go dark after this with your FB message inbox getting blown up so much?

Indeed, after an exposure, you can feel vulnerable with responses or lack of responses.
Venom can be shot at you from all angles BUT it will dissapate.

Venom from any source exposed to......well.....dear one.....

means

you hit the target. Bullseye Caracal. Remember that with whatever angst you are going through from it.

Period.

Now, be dark, dark, dark, dark, dark.