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It was your choice, and you knew how I felt about it before you did it. I wouldn't ever suggest it to someone in Plan B.

I find it somewhat abnormal why you feel like you are having NO reaction to this. It may be, as Indie pointed out, that you are in shock, and it may also be, as you pointed out, that it will hit you in the next few days.

Did you find out things about how their affair is going? Did you find out about trials and tribulations that they are going through? Does it make you feel better that they are not having an easy go at this?

Now, one final question, after you did this exposure, would you recommend someone in Plan B doing it?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

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Originally Posted by Scotland
Now, one final question, after you did this exposure, would you recommend someone in Plan B doing it?


Thinking the exact same thing!


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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I think its too soon to ask her if she recommends it.
The reaction of people is often scary at first, for a while.
That is not the reason to avoid doing it.

Let time pass a while to see if it was worth it. smile

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Thanks for the concern all. Indie, reading your post got me worried again... I keep thinking where IS my devestation? Its not that I don't feel anything, breaking Plan B always hurts. Its just that it doesn't hurt like I expected.

You all deserve your questions answered, yesterday's post was scarce because I wasn't sure to post it given I was not following MB advice (also, I am a bit hectic at present, I have also had a close relative pass away and am spending time with family).

I largely exposed to Horse Ho's side, about 180 of her FB friends. I asked for them to influence her to end the affair with Gollum, which is not Plan B. I have always suspected her side would not even know Gollum is married. So far I have only had about four responses from this. Two were nasty (one threatening legal action and the other was her aunt who is clearly an enabler), another was from Gollum and Horse Ho's colleague (who said she couldn't get involved because they no longer worked with her) and the real suprise... her brother. Her brother supported me, saying he would pass my message on to his uncle, another brother and cousin. He told me he will not have any contact with Horse Ho as she is "evil" and he cut contact with her a while back.

Horse Ho has blocked me from FB and has unfriended a few people. Bullseye.

I had also contacted some of my FB "in-laws"... cousins, aunts and uncles on Gollum's side. None of them knew of the affair, it is definitely being kept as a family secret by the sisters.

I also had Gollum's sisters getting in touch with me. This contact from the sisters is where I learned the information that hurt the most.

Not all is rosy in waywardville, Gollum and Horse Ho have been evicted by his boss. Gollum is no longer working at the same job, and is having to do six day weeks to keep them afloat. The sister's are unsure of Horse Ho's age, it ranges between 21 and 23. Gollum intends to return to Aus with Horse Ho. The real shocker... Horse Ho is pregnant.

Its a deal-breaker for me. When I found out I was extremely upset, but by the next day perspective had kicked in. Whilst it still hurts, I feel a sense of pity for Gollum. I see that my options in life are huge, whereas he has dug a hole that he can never get out of. I see his addiction for what it is... getting a 22-year-old pregnant whilst still married to me... he's either rushing to validate this "relationship" or she is scheming on how to keep him. Either way, its sad that a child will be involved in this cesspit.

I also really feel for my SIL's. They are extremely angry that Horse Ho is being forced upon them, and one questioned how on earth was she going to show Horse Ho any respect. The SIL's tend to blame Gollum 100% for the affair, and one said to me she felt that at 21 the poor girl was being taken advantage of by her messed up brother. I initially thought that as well, but with this piece of information and the FB stuff, my perspective has totally changed. I told this SIL to be very careful around her as I didn't think she was as naive as she may like them to believe. The SIL asked for evidence I had, so I have sent them the FB information. I did not relay what I had heard from the brother though, as this could just be family dysfunction at play.

Also, a SIL told me that she still can't make sense of Gollum's affair... he keeps telling people he was "happy" with our marriage. That has answered some of the doubts I had, thinking how could it come to this and the marriage must have been terrible. I can now see Gollum is just addicted and can't figure it out for himself.

I also sat by my relative's bedside whilst she died, went to the funeral, and spent time with my family. Without Gollum. The anger I felt was huge. I was ALWAYS there for him during his parent's, his brother's, and his cousin's deaths. But I also felt an amazing gratitude for who I have in my life. This may sound really weird and I'm not good at articulating... but I feel blessed despite what Gollum has done.

I don't want to get too confident on the coaster though. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.


Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.

WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.

Plan B has set me free.

"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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Originally Posted by Caracal
also, I am a bit hectic at present, I have also had a close relative pass away and am spending time with family

No wonder you sounded so dazed. That's a lot of stuff you're dealing with right now all at once. Please take care of yourself. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Originally Posted by Caracal
Her brother supported me, saying he would pass my message on to his uncle, another brother and cousin. He told me he will not have any contact with Horse Ho as she is "evil" and he cut contact with her a while back.

Horse Ho has blocked me from FB and has unfriended a few people. Bullseye.

I am glad you got this for your efforts. You've fought while wounded and you deserved some victory.

Originally Posted by Caracal
Not all is rosy in waywardville, Gollum and Horse Ho have been evicted by his boss. Gollum is no longer working at the same job, and is having to do six day weeks to keep them afloat.


None of this is a surprise. That's what happens to soulmate schmoopies in Plan B. 95 per cent end in two years and the other five last a bit longer or turn into open marriages.

Originally Posted by Caracal
The real shocker... Horse Ho is pregnant.

Its a deal-breaker for me.

It would be for me too. So so sorry mate. ((((((((((((Caracal))))))))))))

Don't worry about your 'lack of feeling', completely normal in the circumstances. Don't worry about the rollercoaster, either.

Taking care of yourself is job number one, now.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Well, grieving for a family member would definitely explain the lack of feelings about Gollum. I'm sorry for everything that is being piled up in you, you'll get through this though. And using MB, and PB, you will actually get through this better than you could ever expect.

Thank you for being so honest. While i didn't agree with your break in Plan B, as I see some pain ahead, I do see how now you will be able to move ahead without any regrets. Just please don't get sucked back into the drama of affairland. And stop looking at OW's page.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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Can you go back to dark immediately Carical?

Maybe have someone field your FB page for a few days until this blows over?

Give someone trusted the password, which they change. If anyone else gets in touch your buddy tells them you're coping with a bereavement and don't want any more news about the A.

I don't think you need more news do you?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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To get what she wanted she had to steal a husband ,get pregnant and be prepared to travel to a strange country where she is largely unwelcome.

I can hear the karma bus starting up now.

All the best to you

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Originally Posted by indiegirl
Originally Posted by Scotland
Now, one final question, after you did this exposure, would you recommend someone in Plan B doing it?


Thinking the exact same thing!
I've been thinking about this question because I have gone against MB advice. Its very individual. In my sitch, with so many unanswered questions, I wanted to KNOW and I wanted to stand up and fight. To have Horse Ho know she was stealing, to be sure that she couldn't convince herself that I rolled over and died because I didn't care. To have Gollum know the death of our marriage is 100% his responsibility (he might not get that now whilst wayward though). I also wanted to face my fears in a sense. I think exposure was as much for me as it was for saving Gollum and our marriage.

Right here and now, despite the anxiety and pain, the rollercoaster re-starting, the fear of other's opinions of me, the death of my hopes for reconciliation, I am glad I exposed in Plan B. Thats just me. Reading's right, its too soon for my final opinion as that might change in a month's time. Ask me again later... crazy


Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.

WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.

Plan B has set me free.

"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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Indie and Scotty, thanks for the words of support. And Scotty, even though I broke Plan B, it means a lot you have still offered support.

Indie, your suggestions about having a buddy mind FB are great, but I want to take full responsibility for my exposure. I have also received a phone number for Horse Ho's mother... I have decided against ringing it. According to the source, her mother is an alcoholic and "as bad if not worse" than Horse Ho. With this information and the deal-breaker news, I figured any contact with the mother would just be vindictive on my behalf (though I admit to being aware that part of me would love Horse Ho to know that others are passing on information within her ranks).

Originally Posted by Scotland
Just please don't get sucked back into the drama of affairland. And stop looking at OW's page.
You're right. Enough drama. Horse Ho has blocked me regardless and I'm grateful. Here is a funny thing... she has not blocked the friend who originally passed on the information and her friend list. She had unfriended her, but not blocked her... weird. I wondered if she hopes that when she moves to Aus she can be friends with my friend and her husband(they were mutual friends of H and I) so she is keeping that door open. Since this is not Plan B thinking and I want that protection now, I have told my friend to not pass on any information to me NO MATTER WHAT.

Originally Posted by indiegirl
I don't think you need more news do you?
Exactly. I did have a horrible thought about him moving Horse Ho back to where I live, but I'm pretty sure he is too much of a coward now. Its better for me not to know what is happening for him as it is drama. I figure I have fed his drama enough with my exposure and I suspect that it might drive them closer for the time being. With what I know now, I'm not sure that I care as I feel their affair is doomed anyways. I am pretty certain I am going to Plan B him for life.

Originally Posted by myopia2000
To get what she wanted she had to steal a husband ,get pregnant and be prepared to travel to a strange country where she is largely unwelcome.

I can hear the karma bus starting up now.

All the best to you
I laughed at this, thanks! Its what I have been thinking. One of Gollum's sisters actually thanked me for fighting for the marriage, as they too thought the A would die a death early on. I do believe Horse Ho has done this deliberately as a means to trapping Gollum further, but that doesn't really matter to me now as it is what it is. The odds are stacked against them in the long term.

I just got a message from one of Gollum's cousins (one who was key in my initial exposure and gave Gollum a grilling), telling me how loved I am by all of his family, and apologising for Gollum's behaviour because they can never condone it. There is also a mention of his parents rolling in their graves with what he has done. The support helps. I remember meeting my H's parents and how nervous I was, keen to make a good impression. Good luck Horse Ho, as I would never begin a family relationship like that.

Sooo... Plan B. I have booked a beauty appointment for Friday. My mother and I are having a bit of a girly day. And regardless of the exposure fallout, I am really enjoying work and very busy. My boss is keen to keep me on (I have been applying elsewhere), so I have options open. And my family are fantastic... along with my friends.

I'll admit to sadness though. It did't need to turn out this way. I am mourning what we had and what could have been. And sad for what Gollum has become. Despite my love bank still being there, I want nothing to do with him, and I am sad for feeling like that. I am feeling GUILTY for feeling like that, like I am betraying him. Hmmm.


Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.

WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.

Plan B has set me free.

"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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FWIW, I think you did a good job and it seems to have empowered you. I know for myself, when I am getting put down be someone, just making a stand for yourself and you feel better. It may not change anything, as long as you have no expectations, I think you did well.

You also sound at peace with your sitch now, at least today!

All the best,

ba


Me-49, WH-51
Married 02/1983 yrs, Sons - 27, 26, 20
1st PA - 1985, 1st known EA - 1992/1993
2nd PA - 06/02 to 11/04
1st D-day - 09/03, D-day 2 - 10/04 D-day 3 05/08
NC e-mail - 11/04- it wasn't real
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Oh Hun, it would take a lot more for me to stop posting to you.

I wasn't at all worried about what would happen to Gollum and Horse Ho, my ONLY concern has always been YOU.

It'll be a few days of Gollum thoughts, but then you will need to buckle down and get yourself back into Plan B full strength.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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An update on re-exposing...

I'm stronger. Anxiety has gone, appetite returned to normal. Still taking sleeping tablets but that has been ongoing since D Day. Still no tears... maybe I don't have any left in me for Gollum. I know that the fact that I am married to a man who is acting like a teenager and has gotten his skank knocked up reflects badly on him, not me.

I haven't told many people out of respect for the family member who admitted to this... but I want to tell EVERYONE. A married couple who were friends to H and I (though have supported me whilst Gollum has ignored their attempts to contact him) suggested Horse Ho has already had the baby... My father also believes this, and had always suspected that Horse Ho was pregnant when Gollum was in Aus. Having reflected on the conversation with the family member who told me, this is possible. She was extremely evasive, and acting very embarassed about Gollum's "announcement". Part of me is curious about this as it would answer a lot of questions about some of the rubbish that was coming out of his mouth during Plan A, but the Plan B side of me realises it just doesn't matter anymore.

I have been enjoying time with friends and family, keeping myself busy. I am still very wary around males, and feeling awkward about some of my friends and family's attempts to matchmake. I have also realised my boundaries with this need work... I get embarassed about it all (and any individual male attention) and then tend to drink more than I normally would, not a good combination when I am trying to keep the boundaries up! I am very good at not letting males meet my EN's, however I also know admiration is a high EN of mine, so at the moment any attention (even from those I know are not suited for me) is perceived as admiration... pathetic but honest!

Luckily most of my female friends are very aware I am not ready for another relationship... strangely it is male friends / relatives that are the matchmakers! Since I can't always control others, I've decided I will avoid alcohol when single men are around.


Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.

WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.

Plan B has set me free.

"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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Not just single men. After all, if the probably were only single men, we would only have BH's here.

My suggestion is proper boundaries regardless the marital status of those around you.

After all, just because someone says they are single, or married doesn't make it true.

FWIW.

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Originally Posted by Enlightened_Ex
Not just single men. After all, if the probably were only single men, we would only have BH's here.

My suggestion is proper boundaries regardless the marital status of those around you.

After all, just because someone says they are single, or married doesn't make it true.

FWIW.
All true. I guess I thought in my sitch I am very careful around married man (actually only spend time with married male friends when wife is present). But I've been on MB long enough to see I should not assume that married men are "safe".

One of the matchmaking schemes was actually with a 38-year-old guy who is apparently unhappy in his relationship with a 21-year-old... oooh, the irony. I was repulsed when he showed interest in me and then uncomfortable when his girlfriend quickly came up to defend her "prize". I'm already married to a man carrying on this way, I do NOT need to become involved with another, lol!


Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.

WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.

Plan B has set me free.

"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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Originally Posted by Caracal
One of the matchmaking schemes was actually with a 38-year-old guy who is apparently unhappy in his relationship with a 21-year-old... oooh, the irony. I was repulsed when he showed interest in me and then uncomfortable when his girlfriend quickly came up to defend her "prize". I'm already married to a man carrying on this way, I do NOT need to become involved with another, lol!


This is the only kind of guy who would be interested in a relationship with a still-married woman. I wouldnt date someone going through a divorce and am highly suspect of those who would.

I would tell your 'matchmaker' that you dont want his services because only creeps like this would date someone vulnerable and going through a divorce. Say that you have been hurt enough and you are going to wait until the divorce is final so you can attract a better class of man than creeps like this.

Glad to hear you sounding better.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Whenever someone asks me why I'm not dating now, I simply say, "I'm still married." Then they say, "But he has been gone for 2 years already." I then say, "It doesn't matter what he did, until I am divorced, I will not date anyone else. And even after a divorce, I'll need some time to heal."

It's funny that people in society don't see that dating while SEPARATED is still ADULTERY.

Caracal, I'm sorry that you are going through all of this. It's hard. Not having any children of your own, I don't know if you could deal with an OC. I can see why you would want to move forward without Gollum

Keep doing what you need to to get through this. Personal recovery isn't easy, but it's worth it.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Again, thanks Indie and Scotty. Luckily I ready your posts before today, as I actually had moments when I could hear your posts running through my head!

Sooo, definitely still dealing with re-exposure fallout. It is taking longer than I expected. Major Plan B breaks. I am feeling empowered but want it to be over so I can continue my own recovery. Since re-exposure was my choice, I have to deal with it and suck it up...

Originally Posted by Scotland
Whenever someone asks me why I'm not dating now, I simply say, "I'm still married." Then they say, "But he has been gone for 2 years already." I then say, "It doesn't matter what he did, until I am divorced, I will not date anyone else. And even after a divorce, I'll need some time to heal."
Scotty, I used this today. With Gollum's SIL, one of the sisters who really tried to support me and our marriage. She unexpectedly asked me to lunch. I thought it was just for a catch up and maybe to check I was ok. I think this was partly it, but she was also super curious about the FB posts on Horse Ho's wall I sent. Apparently this contradicts evertything Gollum has spun to the family. Including that he has worked with Horse Ho for the last 10 years (something he told this sister) which would mean Horse Ho was 11 at the time!!! I think I handled myself well. Cool, calm and collected. I put my evidence across. This SIL is VERY worried about Horse Ho's morals, but sadly I don't think she will share with Gollum the information she is now aware of. I take satisfaction, regardless, in knowing that Horse Ho will feel the family scrutiny in years to come...

Even more bizarre in the land of the waywards, I don't think this sister knows of the baby (born or unborn). I really don't think she would have covered for Gollum and I mentioned my "suspicions" of a baby... she was gobsmacked. That Gollum is possibly lying to his own family about what should be a happy event (if he really believes his own BS) astounds me. Even further, apparently one of the sisters (the black sheep) was on the phone in tears after my email as she didn't even know we had separated. SIL today was telling me Gollum has given strict instruction that NO sister is to tell ANY family member of our separation... oh, and his affair. Wow.

This SIL encouraged me to scream the truth from the top of my lungs (possibly because none of them will?)

More exposure consequences... I replied to one of Horse Ho's friends FB messages. It was telling me how once a cheater always a cheater and I deserved better, and was I deluded in wanting recovery, etc. It was pretty contradictory but than, she is only 21 or so. I replied given there was a smidgen of support in there and clear opposition to adultery. I didn't get a response from her, but she has now unfriended Horse Ho. A small victory, but it felt great!

Admittedly, I then got curious as to what the fallout may have been for Horse Ho... and broke Plan B. I checked about ten of the messages I sent out as part of re-exposure, to see if they were still friends with Horse Ho. Of the ten, nine were no longer friends (and the one was family). Okay, I'm guilty, I shouldn't have done this and I know I need to get out of the drama for true personal recovery. As un-Plan B as this is, it suggests to me that Horse Ho has culled her own friend list out of paranoia. And I feel proud that my re-exposure has at least gotten this response. Horse Ho has also unblocked me from FB, so I am considering blocking her myself so I don't get tempted to check her page...


Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.

WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.

Plan B has set me free.

"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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Originally Posted by Scotland
Caracal, I'm sorry that you are going through all of this. It's hard. Not having any children of your own, I don't know if you could deal with an OC. I can see why you would want to move forward without Gollum

Keep doing what you need to to get through this. Personal recovery isn't easy, but it's worth it.
Scotty, its weird, but I still haven't quite given up on Gollum. The shock is wearing off. I can't really explain it. An OC is NOT in my best interests. I know that. Hell, an A was not in my best interests either. But I am wavering on my final decision... I am STILL not totally done. I KNOW that marital recovery is very remote if not impossible for us, especially with this news and where I am now at. I also see that Gollum is (and H always was) very stubborn with an arrogant streak. It has always taken him a lot to back down or learn from mistakes. So I am still committed to giving Gollum the time I had already set in my head. Whether we could recover or not is totally dependent on him meeting MY bar in the unlikely event his addiction wanes (oh, and on his passing MB'ers posts!). I know pigs are more likely to fly than any of this happening, but I will still give him the time I have set and see where I'm at (and hey, at the moment I tend to think he IS a pig, lol!!!) I realise that Gollum now has too much at stake for recovery (he would face an international custody battle), I know all of this. But I intend to just see what happens whilst working on my recovery. I still haven't quite arrived at giving up on our marriage...

I no longer feel in such a hurry. Those who know me IRL see this as HUGE progress. Immediately after D Day I was set to take on the world (although inside and on MB I was a quivering mess!) I have learned to take things as they come. An important lesson. I have learned only I can control me, not everything else.

Besides, I am still married and not wanting / going to date... and don't have any timeline set in my head for when I will. So it makes no difference anyways...

Now, since my last post was VERY un-Plan B, here is something that is totally for ME! I have organised time off work for an overseas holiday with my mother!!! So very excited. Hope to get everything booked this week to go in October!!!

Another ME moment... I unfriended a couple of Gollum's cousins on FB that were acting as triggers. I let them know why and hope they understand... I felt this was a huge step, but it felt right for ME.

I hope these ramblings make sense and are of help to someone else.



Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.

WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.

Plan B has set me free.

"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Oh your "ramblings" make perfect sense for me.

I didn't intend to suggest that you need to move on, but I could see your reasons if you so chose.

NOW, uhuh twoxfour doh2

STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT.

Plan B INCLUDES OW. I know that you are going to be curious, but it's going to ruin what you are working towards. Please, stop.

Glad you are making plans to go away. Remember, as Indie learned, you need to keep your boundaries HIGH


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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