I am curious how often BS's end up together or in RA's with each other after their partners (WS's) drive off into the sunset to live happily ever after? (sorry for the sarcasm)

Does Dr.Harley ever speak of this? I have not seen it in any of the books I have read. Unless i missed it or overlooked it.

MNG

I have heard revenge affairs mentioned on the radio show, but not very often, and I've never heard the statistics.

I believe Mr. Wondering has posted that he read (in some non-Harley source) that after an affair, the BS is statistically more likely to have an affair than the WS. I don't have the source and may be misremembering.

Like Markos, I'm not aware of any statistics that exist on this subject. It's hard even to accurately know how often plans A and B work, much less how often a BS A is truly an RA.

Anecdotally, I recall one BH around here who got an offer from the OM's BW, but he did the right thing and went NC. That was last year if I remember right.

Reason I asked is because my wifes step dad is now having a relationship with the wife of the guy his wife left him for. I didnt really know what to say but told him i was disappointed and that he should have waited (been like 7 or 8 months since his wife left him for the OM) He figures its been long enough he is not grieving anymore .. and is glad we did the exposure for him .. and apparently the other lady and him both had tons in common etc. HE claims he feels more alive now than ever .. and didnt realize how often he was walking on egg shells around his wife (my wifes mother).

I did tell him that until the divorce papers are signed I dont want to hear about it anymore. BUT they do have official seperation papers and have divided property and assets already now.

What is wrong with people?

*sigh*

MNG

I don't know anything about statistics but when my daughter was young she played softball with a set of twins whose parents were two BS's who married eachother. Their xWS's married also and their kids went back and forth between the two houses alternate weekends. We live in a small town and everyone moved in the same circles. Each couple hated the other couple and they trashed eachother regularly. It was very odd.

NC12

Sigh, I am deeply troubled to hear that.

In my life typically I've seen people recently divorced or widowed jumping into a rebound relationship. If people aren't ready for a new relationship MONTHS after the old one has ended -- how much more when it's before the old one is even over?

But people follow their feelings, and what happened here is he and the OMW met each other's emotional need for conversation, and after that, he probably won't hear any logic on it.

Yes, he feels more alive than ever -- full love bank, possibly for the first time in years. That doesn't mean or justify anything. We could all go out and get that with someone else while still married. It won't lead to a continued feeling of being alive, though; it'll lead to unhappiness.

There was a great comment from Dr. Harley at the end of the show a couple days ago about not letting our emotions rule our lives.

I also don't know any statistics, nor am I aware of any couples who started out this way. However, I know a BH who recently sent out evites to his birthday party this weekend (he is divorced now) and I found it both sad and heartening that he included, at the end of the line about bringing wives, husbands, BFs and GFs, in bold block letters, NO MISTRESSES, MALE OR FEMALE.

I read it like a big "Cheaters gtfo!"

Yup ... thats exactly what I told him.. He told us that we are wise and he was surprised of our reaction towards it. Being nonchallant and the like .. and expressing to him that we are not surprised. He told us he is in love and is not going to stop .. so thats when we told him not to bring her around here (shes a nice lady mind you MUCH nicer than my MIL unfortunatley) who knows .. maybe it will work out but i dont want my kids to get attatched to this new lady to only have their hearts ripped out again. So we told him .. no visits with her till they are OFFICIALLY divorced. BOTH of them.

I am a bit disgusted and sad that everyone in my family is SOO disfunctional.. he has not taken a WORD of my advice even though he says to me all the things we have said and predicted have come true .. even more so than his counsellor. Has only Skimmed the books i bought him .. I feel i wasted my time with him.

*shrugs*


Told him that too ... it did kinda humble him too. HE was all high and mighty about it .. until we smashed his dreams of "god put us together" by saying pretty much exactly that.

Thats gotta be SO confusing for the kids involved. Something I never want my kids to experience. My grand parents on my dads side were like this ... they had kids.. then wife swapped and had more kids again. >.< Both the husband figures in each of those marriages are dead now and both the grandmas (my grandmas) are widows now too.

Sad ..

Thats great! I am going to have a family BBQ possibly this year .. I just might have to take notes!

edit: sadly though no one might show up if i do that .. >.<

When you are in love, it does feel that God put you together. Which is why you hear hardened waywards insisting that God brought this other married person into their lives, etc.

I heard Dr. Harley say once that happily married people are more likely to believe in God than unhappy people. Interesting, huh?

See, you need to have more kids like me and Prisca, so you'll have bigger family events when it's just your immediate family.

Fortunately I cant ... :P Unless the garbage man or the post man stopped by But then I would have to start a thread in SAA myself ... so I will stick to the 4 of us and see who else joins us with our boundries.

There's always adoption!

Shania Twain actually did this. Her first husband had an affair with her friend. The BSs are now together. Weird.

I think this is why we are so adamant on the boards to remind BSs to be watchful of their interactions with the other BS. ANYONE can fill your LB when you let them meet ENs.

MNG,


Here's my thought; I have always known, and am still adamant, that given the circumstances and opportunity, I would have an affair.

Put simply, I love women.

When I married NGB, I made a commitment to put her above all else, and so I am mindful to maintain boundaries and prevent any circumstances or opportunities.

After her A... dun dun duuuuuuuuuh... an ex popped up with a FB request. I accepted... then unfriended... but forgot to block and a message got through.

Because of fresh betrayal, it was tremendously tempting - my mind was in a Plan FU state.

I told NGB about it, and put the block in place. Shortly after, our pages were merged, privacy settings and friend requests have been shut off, and all contacts that were not family or every-day friends were removed (this included coworkers for both of us).

I do not spend my downtime at work with opposite sex coworkers, and my phone number is not available to non-management personnel (even in my new jobs).

My protective illusions were shattered, and as a result I had to shore up my own boundaries.


It's kind of one reason I prefer my home health job as compared to my long-term care job, but the long-term is currently per diem. Other than that, I have become a lot less "friendly" than I used to be as a self-protective strategy.

I really like your approach HHH. My boundires are pretty tight myself. Any talk I have with women (my job REQs i PR tons of ppl all day) i tell my wife. I even tell her if i felt attracted to someone so i have to make my interations VERY brief with those particular people. (fortunately there is no receptionists that I am having that issue with).

Is what my step FIL did a RA? Maybe the OW in his case is using him? I warned him of those ideas. He shrugged at me and then got this humbled look on his face.

The way things are now ... since i have tightened my boundries ALOT and mad my stand, my wife and I have seemd to alienate ourselves from the rest of the family(or vise versa) because they all see us as judgemental now ... somedays i have no problem with that view .. but other days I wish i was ignorant. Of course the latter is not possible ... i dont want the "blue pill" As I am now in the MB rabbit hole now becasue it makes all the sense in the world. It just sux sometimes all the negativity that surrounds it.

The good thing tho is my wife and I are alot happier now (even tho I have posted some things recently on my thread that claim other wise then later edited it out becasue it was just one of those moments).

I feel sad for people who think that their affairs are "god given" and to witness it in real life and not just read it here on the board its TONS different. I am FLOORED with my step FIL even though i think this OW is much nicer than MIL.

BTW my job is a commercial building maintenance for 3 office buildings .. so you can imagine the people i have to deal with on a daily basis .. i see affairs brewing all over .. and a few times when i was really down was even close to allowing my guard down to engage in one myself. Thankfully i didnt.

p.s. I type too much .. lol ..

I guess RA's are fairly common then, but then again what celebrity hasnt since htey feel their money will save them in the end. Maybe BS's getting together for a RA or even married is not as uncommon as I thought.

Such a sad world we live in. More PPL need MB! it should be MANDATORY when you get married to take a MB course! similar to the marriage counselling some may have to do before you get married.(no sure if everyone does but my wifes mothers chrch REQ'd us to have counsel with their pastor before we wed)

Maybe this requires another thread. But I'm curious as to how you bring up that you're attracted to someone else. Are you equating as someone being attractive as being attracted to them?

I have a lot of mundane conversations with women at my job since I'm a school teacher. Stuff like, "hey...did you actually sign that hall pass for Alfonzo to come into my classroom?" I've never felt inclined to tell my wife every single conversation I have wtih someone of the opposite sex.

I guess even with attractive women, I've never enteratained wanting to hook up with them. I've had some rough patches in my marriage and a few times I would have loved to divorce. But the thought of having sex with somoene else just seems like it would make everything more stressful.

kilted--

People who have sex with an OM or OW do not tend to think about the stress.

You'd think they would.