My W would take off her wedding rings from time to time during the A, and even after it was over, after exposure, becasue she was so pissed, going through withdrawal, etc.

A few days ago, she left the house for work without them on (she had taken them off prior becasue we were making meatballs...kinda a funny story).

Anyway, she called me on her way to work -- frantic, upset -- becasue she never wants to be without them now after the A...she turned around and I met her halfway with them, which made her late for work. Didn't matter to her, she wanted her rings.

Those rings are OURS -- NOT the OMs...call it spite or whatever, but we're not going to expunge the original symbol of our relationship for that POS...we'll wear them with pride, as a symbol of what a marriage really is...

It was a very nice moment, actually.

I am going nowhere with this line of questioning, just stating the fact that I have resentment over additional cost to our family due to adultery. Seriously, I cannot POSSIBLY be the only person to have ever said that.

I resent the fact that I am having to debate or feel the need to make the expenditure to replace rings, if the ONS had not happened I would not have to do so.

Since H's ONS happened almost a decade prior to him confessing it to me, our home, cars, clothes, and any other thing short from his person are already gone or YES, I would have a problem and want to get rid of those things too. As far as his body parts, clearly I have no control in that matter.

And why exactly would asking my WH to replace a wedding ring that caressed another woman be a DEMAND. I thought asking a WS to get rid of triggers was perfectly acceptable, I have heard many a story about burning furniture, selling vehicles and homes, etc. and have never heard of it referred to as a DEMAND before (which would qualify as a love buster and would not be acceptable right?).

Thanks for sharing your story helpfordad. I am torn about that very thing, like I said. The fact that it is a huge trigger, but also OUR wedding rings that symbolize OUR marriage. I did take it off his finger and hold it, read the inscription inside, etc. a couple nights ago which was a huge step for me, I doubt I have even touched it (purposely) for the last yr and a half.

NG, I just did the link to "My Story" on your sig. Realized I had read your story a month or so ago and it to me has been one of the most memorable stories on here (short from the fact that I didn't remember your name associated with it). It was very moving, very raw. I even discussed it with H at a time I wasn't really talking much about the forums. Thank you for sharing it. And I am not saying that to get you to stop being so hard on me either.

UW, the reason I asked the question is because some of us on MB post specifically to help our colleagues get from "here" to "there" with issues/problems.

Vents without expected answers/solutions are fine, of course. I just thought you were asking for help, and was trying to reframe the initial statement, to see if I had something to offer.

I thought asking a WS to get rid of triggers was perfectly acceptable...

All true, but yours would be, I think, the first post in which a BS was RESENTFUL of, as opposed to GRATEFUL to, the WS for complying.

And as for being hard on you - I'm hard on everyone!

Well thank you NG for trying to be helpful, you are helpful. Even you being hard on me is helpful and has caused some introspection on my part.

I am resentful to my WH for the MONEY that it will take from our family to replace rings. I am not resentful for his willingness to do it.

Regarding the resentment. I guess it was a good title for my thread, because I AM very resentful. Perhaps more than the average BS, it sounds like. Which is exactly what kind of help I was looking for by posting on here, because I'm not really sure how to NOT be resentful. I am not going to get into the specifics about my marriage, because everyone here has a story about how their needs weren't met including my H. I will just say that the ONS was the cherry on the icing of the cake of wrongdoing and there was plenty of resentment present even before I knew about that. And by the time the ONS came out my love bank was empty and filled with resentment. I know in my head I should be thankful that H is willing to change, willing to do things like buy new rings. Frankly I am not thankful, I EXPECT it. If he said no the big FU devil whispering in my ear would easily convince me to walk out the door. He has been very transparent, I read where WS's are NOT transparent and fight their BS for their phone, or whatever, and I think, if my H did that I would clock him with the phone, stomp on it until it was in pieces, pack his bags and toss them out the front door. I love him, I want to work things out, but I have no tolerance for lack of 'getting it' or going the gamut on his part. And I am willing to do the same for myself. Just still have this ANGER over everything and not really sure how to reign that in. So no, I guess I am not elated over the fact that he is willing to replace our rings, if he was anything less than willing I would be DONE. That's how I feel.

Good thing I was not called upon to do some Plan A because the women and men who do it have some kind of strength I don't. I am having this much anger over a decade old ONS, I cannot imagine what I would be like if H was in some long term A.

My friend, I only have a few minutes. Could I ask you to jump over to MikeStillSmiling's thread on this board, and read through it?

His FWW's affair was a lot more recent than your FWH's, but you seem to have the same issue as he (fortunately less frequently) does, in not being able to see that your FWS that you should be evaluating and dealing with TODAY, is not the one who had the affair in the PAST.

"better. Now here we are and we are having to dish out our FUN money to MC's and recovery work. Frustrating."

I can't think of a better investment in your lives. You will get much, much more out an investment in your marriage than you will anything else. A great marriage affects your quality of life like nothing else. There Is not much that is more important than that.

To tag on. Caring for Children Means Caring for Each other

If I were to give you $1,000,000 to stay in love for 10

Very, very good point. Something I will try very hard to focus on. I will read up on MikeStillSmiling.

LIKE. I am not real sure what affect a GREAT marriage has on quality of life, but I have a PhD in what a crappy marriage does to quality of life. Might as well see what the other side has to offer.

Just checking in, friend. I saw you popping in on some other threads, and the tone of your messages was significantly "lighter" than that with which you started this thread.

Are you making some progress in keeping separate your thoughts and feelings toward "new" hubby from those formerly associated with the "old" version?

Have you dedicated your efforts toward making the 15/20 hours per week of UA time a reality of your marriage?

Here's hoping you're making the most of the opportunities that MB opens up to couples.....

Hi NG thanks for checking in! Honestly I have many lighter days and a handful of really UNlight days (I'm sure you have a fancier word for that) where all the anger, resentment, etc. is at the top of my emotions. My H has a lifelong tendency to avoid, detach, or ignore any difficult emotional issues including anything involved with A's. I think if he were to enthusiastically engage in recovery I would be able to let go of much of what I am resentful for. If someone started a fire and then said they were really sorry and didn't mean to start the fire, but did NOTHING to put the fire out, you would tend to believe they were really not all that sorry for starting it in the first place. That's how I feel about his lack of action. Words are great, action is much better. The lack of action has really just made the resentment fester. I have been known to tell him "I will leave you for what you DON'T do long before I will leave you for what you did." As in, I'm not leaving because of the cheating but I will leave if you don't do anything to help us recover from it! So, about 2 months ago, right before I discovered these forums, I asked him for a D. I just had had enough of waiting around for him to initiate some recovery (why I would not initiate was a whole other resentment issue lol). He promised me he would do better, I discovered the forums and really started to jump in feet first and initiating some work on my own, and he is now starting to get excited about the opportunity to get recovery going too. So that's where we are at. Have a hard time trusting he will not just drift off into lala avoidance land when things get tough but here's to hoping that won't happen.

2 days ago I emailed H a UA schedule with 17.5 hours of scheduled UA time/week. He said it was very cold and logistical, lol. I said it HAS to be, we are definitely a couple that needs a schedule. The UA time included one lunch and one dinner date per week, working out together, and time each evening after kids are in bed for IC and SF. He said it looked great. The only thing I got a buck on was using workouts as RC time. RC is his #1 EN and he feels that working out does not satisfy it. But I didn't really mean for working out to 'satisfy' that need, I meant to just kill 2 birds with one stone so to speak by using our working out as UA time, AND having it count toward RC and PA. On his ENQ he said he did get the amount of RC he wanted and was satisfied with it, so I guess if working out is just additional RC time we will be good.

So yes we are working on it. Took a nice walk with the doggies last night kid free, then had a couple hours of good UA time after...and tomorrow night we have a 4 hr date lined up.

Good job on scheduling your UA time.

Dr. H recommends you make the schedule together. Can you do this? Then he can help decide what RC to do. Remember POJA.

Thanks BH. Well this was just a skeleton schedule to run off of, like things we could do every day as our regular schedule, and most of it is M-F. We have always done a LOT of RC (although majority with kids) during the weekends together, we like to play hard on the weekends! I left the weekend alone and that will all just be extra for the most part. So I guess to answer your question YES we can schedule it together and I certainly don't want to force him to do it my way. Like I said in my post he hasn't always been willing to take the bull by the horns on all this so I am just trying to get the ball rolling without waiting around for him to engage.

Sounds like you're on the right track. Good job.

One thing you can do if resentful thoughts begin to enter your head, is do a quick rundown in your head to see what is causing you to slip into negativity (conflict/withdrawal);

#1 (FIRST AND FOREMOST) Have you been adhering to 15+ hours of UA time if you are in a the state of intimacy, or 20+ if you are not?

#2 Is your spouse providing transparency and adhering to EPs?

#3 Are both of you adhering to Radical Honesty and PoJA?

Then, formulate a plan;

SCHEDULE 20+ hours of UA time in the following week. UA time should be just the two of you, and should be spent meeting the 4 Intimate Emotional Needs; Intimate Conversation, Affection, Recreational Companionship, Sexual Fulfillment.

Let your spouse know how they can better meet your top 3 ENs.

Ask your spouse how you can better meet their top 3 ENs.

Both spouses make sure Love Busters are eliminated.



If this does not improve your mood/mindset within a few weeks of strict adherence, consider an email to the radio show or a call to the coaching center.

Unwritten,
I saw you wrote this on vmmusa's thread and I responded to you there but figure you might not see it.
Is there anyway to find out your (friend)OW'S OM's name? Since his BW posted on here we could let her know her WH is still in contact with his OW?
Or the very least ask the MODS to notify her? Better yet her posting name? I just feel tor this BW thinking her and her WH are recovered and following

Apologize ahead of time for the t/j from above.

I have thought about this many times BH. So far I have only gotten the first name of my friends AP, and a sketchy time frame of when the A happened (before I knew her). She is not super forthcoming about the info, leading me to believe there is either more things to hide or given my own circumstances she is not really ever going to be forthcoming with ME. I tend to be a 'little' opinionated about wayward behavior these days... It also really bothers me, while going through my own MB recovery process, that this BS and her WH weathered this long term affair,went through recovery which is no small task, and even moved out of state although I don't know if the A was why they moved...and she may have no idea that he is still in contact with OW. Disturbing. I will keep my ears open and if there is any way I can help this BW I will.