Thanks everyone. We have already read HNHN and Love Busters as part of the dynamic marriage class through our church. He signed us up. I ordered SAA yesterday, hope it comes quick.

I realize the mistake we've made through this is not affair proofing our marriage. He expects his word to be good enough in making him translucent. It doesn't appear that he is resistant just doesn't have the knowledge maybe? Or doesn't want me to be controlling. Maybe if I offer the same things to him he won't feel it as controlling. You know everything I ask of him do myself?

I've just dealt with an entire year of triggers because he could take me for this ride again at any time. I'm just supposed to "trust" him and that is way to much to ask of me. He doesn't understand that. Hopefully the book will help him with that.

Did you read this?
No you're not going to just trust him again. He needs to meet your conditions, Be completely transparent with all email, phone and everything.

What about the poly? Did you call? Will he take one?

What were the conditions that allowed his affair? Facebook, computer? These conditions must be stopped.

Also of course you need to clean up your side of the street because you can only control yourself.

Remember you are 50% at fault for your marriage but he is 100% at fault for his affair.

The Harley's love to say " there are reasons for an affair but never excuses"

The conditions leading to the affairs (not sure if I should consider the second "assault" an A) was access to the internet that I couldn't monitor at his shop. He has since closed his shop down and closed contact with everyone associated with it. He has also changed his phone number and provider.

My only recent concern is his internet access on his new I phone that I can't monitor and his separate bank account. I also worry about his new found confidence in finding the OW. His interactions with females in general make me uneasy. Not sure how to deal with that as he works construction and I can't always be with him.

So there may be another OW?

Recovery will not happen with three people in the M.

There was. After the one time with ow1 he says he was confiding in someone from work at the hotel. She took him in the room and he said he was essentially raped. He claims he had bruising and "damage" from it. This was the main reason he began counseling with the pastor on his own. This woman apparently moved away. When I asked other men at the hotel about her they just stated oh yeah shes rough?? Neither WH not I know her name or whereabouts.

Have you snooped to verify there isn't someone else?

Is he willing to find another job to make you feel safe in your Marriage?

Did you schedule the poly?

Please read this.

Joseph's Letter

Had a talk with WH last night. Basically explained that I didn't think we handled the recovery phase of things correctly which is why I was having a hard time moving on. He basically got emotional and said hes noticed my bitterness and resentment still and that he would do everything the book says to help us move on.

We also discussed the woman he contacted through the one dating site he set up during the time he moved out. He basically said there was only the one he met up with and the others I pretty much squashed by contacting them and exposing to people around us. He states he no longer has contact with any of them. I believe him. I will know for sure when I make my EP's which I haven't done yet. I'm waiting to get SAA and reading it with him so he doesn't think its my idea trying to control him.

My concern is could it be that easy. I read the stories on here and it makes me afraid that I'm being a fool. That there is more. I know the only way to know is by affair proofing my marriage, I just haven't read any stories on here that have been that simple to solve. There has been trickle truths, continued contact, and tons of other additional problems. I'm just worried that I'm being fooled or something. I know I shouldn't compare but I can't help but feel like there isn't any A that goes this smoothly to recovery? Maybe just my insecurities. **sigh** I just don't ever want to go through this AGAIN. Thoughts?

Transparency can be achieved by:
Putting a keylogger on your H's computer and phone; a repentant FWS has no problem with being monitored.

email and phone passwords and easy access to look whenever desired, with no "guilt"

all bank and credit card info shared and open

Accounting for time and money spent

No nights apart

There is no reason for you to trust. Spouses should NOT blindly trust one another. We should each make our lives an open book to the other.

You are not crazy or controlling for instituting any of the above.

WHY? Why do you believe him? You stated on your original post that he has lied to you for your entire marriage...and then went on to give us information about his serial cheating. Now, magically, he has just come clean... Maybe he has and MAYBE HE HASN'T. I would say it is far too premature to trust his WORD without verifying the information you are receiving. So...what about that poly???


EP's will not give you any reassurance, they will work to set boundaries and protect your marriage in future (if he willingly and enthusiastically follows them) but they will not confirm the information he has already told you or reassure you that you are starting recovery with the truth. Only a passed poly can do that.


Maybe NOT your insecurities. Maybe your gut. Your gut instinct is trying to tell you something, and I suspect it isn't the first time. But this time, you need to listen to it. Get the poly. I would bet money there is more. Do not deny your gut instinct because burying your head in the sand in blind faith is easier to stomach at the moment. You will not truly be in recovery until all the cards are on the table. Get the poly.

You don't suppose having spyware on his phone would prove he is being honest and has no further contact with any OW? I don't see him agreeing tio spend that much money for a poly? He is the only one that works, thats a lot of money.

Finding out if there is still contact is the most important thing right?

Divorce, child support and two separate households cost a whole lot more than a polygraph.

And that's not addressing the emotional cost of everyone involved.

Im no expert, but the story about him being raped in the hotel room is in my opinion totally bizarre and unbelievable. I would insist on a poly. You deserve the trith and there's no way you'll recover without having all of your questions answered honestly.

that line about being "raped" in a hotel room has GOT to go in the "craziest things to come out of a wayward's piehole" thread! i'm sorry, home, but that's some major gaslighting.

Way to make light of my very delicate situation. That is actually the only part of his story I have no doubts about because he worked at the hotel and was on duty.

Sorry that others had made light of this situation, it is far too fresh for that.

Why do you have no doubts about his rape story? What about him working at the hotel and being on duty would make it more plausible to you that a woman could force herself on your WH?

I have spoke to others that worked there who stated "she was rough" and "stay away from her". No other man stated they felt they were raped but that it was uncomfortable and forceful. Men don't usually admit to situations like this. My wh has faced sexual abuse in the past (childhood) and from what I've read they tend to inadvertently place themselves in dangerous situations frequently.

I have no doubt his intentions may have been bad even placing himself in that situation, but the outcome was something he didn't want. He began counceling for it long before he admitted his A and returned home.

I wouldn't believe that story for a minute. I'm sorry. The fact that he worked there means nothing. Do you know how many waywards crawl into closets at their jobs to 'get together'?

I find the 'rape' thing pretty unbelievable, as well.

When WH presented me with the A details he took responsibility for both women as affairs. I was the one who labeled it as a rape or sexual assault. He never claimed that ow2 was not his fault he took full responsibility.

Ow2 is not my hang up as it was in my opinion a sexual assault with no emotional attachment. My hang up lies with ow1 whom he was in contact with for 3 months. Both situations obviously require recovery which we're trying to work through.