This is probably going to be super long but here it goes anyway. Married my wh when I was 16 with a one year old. (His child) Anyway we've never had a very honest relationship. He has lied to me about small things throughout our entire relationship. Anyway we were both "Christians" and we were doing really good about 5 years ago after our third child was born. We then had two more children (last one a surprise.) His lack of help and his second life lead to severe resentment on my part and my withdrawl from him.

We drifted severely apart. Fast forward 4 years. He began an EA in March of 2011. I found out in July of 2011. In between that time he moved out in May-June coming back shorly end of June to "make things better before our anniversary on June 19". Anyway he was coming in and out of the house like nothing happened only to leave again at the end of the day. He was staying at the shop he was working at.

Anyway I got suspicious during the short time he was home in the end of June. In the middle of the night I took his phone and looked up numbers I didn't recognize. There were a few. I should have called them right then and there but didn't. Anyway after a fight the next morning about how I wouldn't provide for him physically I asked him to leave again.

He did leave and I started to snoop around. On July 3 he was supposed to stay late to light off some fireworks with my two younger boys. He said after work he was much too tired and just was going to go back to the shop. I was upset. The next morning I viewed his phone bill and saw there were text messages to an unknown number throughout the entire night. I was furious as he chose to communicate all night with someone instead of spending time with his kids. I called the number and it was a female. I texted and discovered that he met her on a dating site and was trying to meet up with her the coming weekend. She said she never met him in person and just started contact with him. Was unaware he was married but knew he had 5 children.

I looked at phone records and contact with that number was only 2 weeks old. I started randomly texting other numbers I didn't know. Next female was belligerent and wouldn't give me any information. Just said for us both to lose her number. Didn't get anymore information from her.

Third number was a woman stating they were "just friends". This woman was in contact with my WH since March. I dug further and she told me they met up and kissed but that was it. (Right??)

We began to work through things. He didn't disclose any further information at this time. During this time he took it upon himself to expose he had been unfaithful with out closest friends and his family and church. He also got a new phone with a new number (prepaid so I couldn't continue to check phone bill)

Well he still wasn't living at home and he offered to let me borrow his old phone for a long phone interview I was having since he didn't use it anymore. While I had this phone the OW #? texted him asking to have his wife stop calling and hanging up (wasn't me). I texted back claiming I was him. She began to go on about what was the big deal, we are both adults. It was just once in a hotel. I carried on saying well I was married and it was wrong blah blah blah. I immediately contacted WH letting him know I knew the relationship was sexual.

WH immediately had his phone shut off and came over jumping through the window because I wouldn't let him in. He claimed she was making it up and OW said she would pay him back for it blah blah blah. I finally got his friend to get him to leave. The next morning before he left for his moms (1000 miles away) he came to the house to tell me he had 2 sexual A. First with long time contact. Second with someone from work (he worked at a hotel and had his own detailing company through a friends work.)

I was completely blindsided by this. I look back now and feel like a fool. All the signs were there I guess I just never thought he was capable. Over the next two weeks this is what I found out:

OW#1 - contact made in March '11 via craigslist. She had a post looking for FWB. EWWWW He states he responded thinking it was me since I wasn't being physical with him at all. Obviously decided to continue contact even after realizing it wasn't me. (Meanwhile I am at home with 5 children all day homeschooling 2 with an almost newborn baby UGH) They continued contact and met up a couple time? didn't get any details on this. Decided to get a hotel in the middle of June in a town 30 minutes from me. Had sex don't know if he stayed the night or not. She paid for it. Some time in the next week he broke it off and said he wanted to try to fix our marriage and make things right with God (this was before I found out) This part of his story is confirmed by her. Hasn't had contact since he says. Didn't know eachothers names at all was not emotionally connected to her. She was apparently going through a divorce. (found out that was a lie.)

OW #2 - Tried to confide in her about what he had done to me. She took him into the hotel room and he states she essentially raped him. He said he had bruising and all. He said after work he avoided her until she moved away a week later. This is all I know about his one.

He also stated he was sexually assaulted as a boy by his older brother and essentially blamed this all on that and this pretty much took the heat off the A's because now I was feeling bad for him for this. I agreed to let him stay in my basement because all our friends (that he exposed himself to) would not let him stay with him anymore and he knew he had to get out of the shop because that is what provided him a way to do these things. He also stated he had a bad addiction to pornography which he began working on before I discovered the A's were sexual. He stated at some point there were 4 OW all together but contact was only made with 2.

He came home 2 weeks later and stayed in the basement. I the meantime he contacted my new Pastor and began a life coaching program with him that lasted 6 weeks. This was to deal with the sexual abuse. We talked quite a bit and I realized my part in all this. He "moved back in" to the house in December. Since then I have been working on meeting his EN without actually realizing what I was doing.

In February of '12 our Church offered Dynamic Marriage classes and we signed up. They were very good. Both figured out our EN and LB's.

In March while WH and I were going to dinner I saw OW#1 and her husband having dinner. I immediately asked to leave. I was shaking and crying but not much was said on his end except I'm sorry.


This brings me to now. Almost a year later and I'm stuck. He claims he's head over heals in love with me and that our marriage if far better than it ever was but I don't feel that way. He has left me a couple notes and bought a card trying to show affection but I don't feel the deposits being made. I don't know what to do.

My issues are:
-can't track his cell phone calls
-put a gps locator on his phone but it doesn't work half the time.
- He has his separate bank account and I have mine still. He doesn't see anything wrong with this.
-I still feel completely in the dark about the A's and contact with OW, have no idea to fix this.

Is it too late to go through this plan.
Is it just my resentment holding me back and if so how do I work on that.

I tried discussing with WH how I feel like I'm being asked a lot of. To trust him in things I'm not comfortable with. WH just says well look at all the work I've done I'm being asked of a lot of things too.

I feel like we've taken a lot of the steps in Harley's plan without knowing it but maybe we didn't do them the right way to enter recovery like we should.

I have made some huge mistakes along the way I know. I lied about meeting ow#2 husband. I didn't. Not sure if he even knows. Also lied about meeting OW#2. I just found her on the internet. Don't know how to fix these mistakes. I just didn't want to look like complete doormat. Guess I do anyway.

I just feel dead towards him and I don't know why. I want our marriage to work, I have 5 kids with the man and we are childhood sweethearts I just don't know what do do. He feels we're well on our way, I feel dead!

I've written a novel I'm afraid, sorry. Thank you to anyone who can get through it all. It just felt good to get on paper.

homefor5, most people do not ever recover from affairs unless they follow very specific steps and it looks like your marriage is a prime example of this.

First off, your marriage must be affair proofed. That has not been done. The environment that led to the affairs must be eliminated. For example, you should be with him all the time or you should have a way of knowing what he is doing when he is at work. All of your leisure time should be spent together.

Your bank accounts should be merged so you can see what he is doing. You should have full access to his phone at all times. I would put spyware on it that he doesn't know about. [eblaster is a good one]

He should tell you all the truth about his affairs and successfully pass a polygraph. Additionally, all of the spouses and all of your family members, including your children should be told of his affair. Do all of the husbands of these women know what he has done?

The above are the first basic steps towards recovery. These are not negotiable items.

Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on his willingness and ability to make radical changes. His lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. He is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. He must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed. Unless he makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a husband, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

What is holding you back is a LACK of changes in the marriage that would make you feel protected. You are perpetually triggered because you are not safe. Your resentment will get WORSE, not better unless there is a radical change in your marriage.

To trust an untrustworthy person is insane. And very ill advised in your case. It was too much trust that led you to this terrible place.

So essentially I've done everything wrong . Here it is a year later, what am I supposed to do now? I tend to be an overly passive person but this has crossed the line I feel like a doormat! Where do I even start now. He feels that now we've done the dynamic marriage that it is all fixed. I don't feel that way, I feel the anger creeping back up. I've even written a letter to the ow to tell her just what I think but that didn't relieve any anger either.

Is it to late to turn this around?

So essentially I've done everything wrong . Here it is a year later, what am I supposed to do now? I tend to be an overly passive person but this has crossed the line I feel like a doormat! Where do I even start now. He feels that now we've done the dynamic marriage that it is all fixed. I don't feel that way, I feel the anger creeping back up. I've even written a letter to the ow to tell her just what I think but that didn't relieve any anger either.

Is it to late to turn this around?

He also feels that half the problem leading to his A was my need to be controlling. But its because I don't trust him. If I start demanding spy stuff and a dual bank account he is going to feel like we are right back where we started. I don't know what to do.

What EP's has agreed to put into place?

Have you read this? How can Trust be restored in a Marriage after an affair

I would also demand a poly.

Here Polygraph Testing

Can you afford the coaching center?

the coaching center is great. your WH, of course, wants to hide his head in the sand, but that does not provide you with JC/EN/EPs. your WH needs to know that he needs to provide you with a safe environment, and that meeting your needs for trust, openness and honesty are not selfish demands, but needs you need met to reestablish your bond and ensure that such things don't happen again.

Just looked over the coaching info and unfortunately that would be out of the question. Nice that they offer that though. I've done a ton a reading but because of how much time has passed I don't even know where to start. We have no EP's. He just expects me to trust him, like suddenly his word is gold. Sigh.....

Ok we're all about plans here at MB. So are you ready?

IS your WH willing to do the work?

The first thing you need to do is affair proof your M. Have you done this?

Will he do a poly? I would require this. I would also demand a poly.

Here Polygraph Testing

I'm very ready. I will call monday about the poly. Not sure he will go for it. He has been willing to read whatever book and take whatever class but thats not helping me get passed it.

Is he being completely transparent?

Does he account for all his time?

What have you done to affair proof your M?

Cam someone lead me 2o any articles on making your marriage affair proof. I don't even know where to start. We have taken the dynamic marriage class which goes through the books HNHN and LB. We're both meeting needs but I feel like his efforts on my Love bank aren't doing anything because I can't get passed what has happened.

I haven't actually read SAA. Would this be a great place to start? Does it discuss tactics on becoming translucent with one another? Would it be something WH and I would read together?

yes, start with SAA. read it yourself first. if your WH is receptive, you can read it w/him. don't forget to use a highlighter and pen! it'll be good to compare notes. if he's a reader, get him his own copy. your next step is his needs, her needs. this is a great read-aloud book.

MB has a youtube channel as well as a radio programme. you can find the videos here:

Yes SAA is an excellent start and yes read it together if you both are up for it. Until you get your book read all the articles in here.
How To Survive Infidelity

Also, His Needs/Her Needs by Harley. The subtitle is "Affair-Proofing Your Marriage."