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Originally Posted by igiiroko
Because of WS's adultery and departure, I don't really feel like keeping step-son DS12. Maybe I should feel all paternal towards him and all, but I don't at this point. I am strongly minded to insist that WS take DS12 with her, and leave DD7 with me. Sad, but it's the truth...
You do that and you'll be making a monumental mistake for a multitude of reasons.

What you need to be doing is documenting everything she does not only in regards to you, but to your children as well. EVERYTHING. No matter how unimportant it may seem to you may be very important to a judge.

Besides, I've been where you are, and I understand how you are feeling. I lost a DSS 8 years ago that I was raising as my own and was planning to adopt. To this day losing him hurts a million times more than losing his mother.

This child needs you right now more than ever. Be there for him as God only knows his mother isn't.


Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


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And in addition, you should be using this as motivation to fight even harder, not throw in the towel. You've struck a pretty massive blow, but you need to keep the pressure on.

Just how far did you get with your FB exposure anyway? I know you got shut down for a while, but don't recall you saying you picked it back up. If you haven't finished, then finish now.


Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

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Originally Posted by igiiroko
I got preachy, then caught myself and took off upstairs to put the kids to bed (9.45pm). By the time I got back down (10.15pm), she was gone.

Originally Posted by igiiroko
He has his mother: WS is leaving me, not DS12...

Did she come back to get DS12?


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

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Quote
WS told me "it's over", that reconciliation couldn't happen, that any hope of it disappeared when I sent Exposure missives. Any point doing a Plan B letter and appointing an IM?
All waywards say that. Ignore it.


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No, pokerface, WS didn't come back to get DS12. I haven't yet asked her...


----
Me: BS (b. 1965)
Wife: WS (b. 1971)
Affair exposed: May 2012. Affair proven: Apr 2012. Affair first suspected: Jan 2011. (Affair started: Late 2010.) ILYBINILWY (said by WW to BH): ~Sep 2009
DD: b. 2005. Married: May 2005. Met: Jul 2002. DSS: b. 1999.
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Then she left him too. She does not care for anyone but herself right now.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Originally Posted by igiiroko
Because of WS's adultery and departure, I don't really feel like keeping step-son DS12. Maybe I should feel all paternal towards him and all, but I don't at this point. I am strongly minded to insist that WS take DS12 with her, and leave DD7 with me. Sad, but it's the truth...
You have no legal right to him. But please consider protecting that fellow by being the one stable adult in his life.

You don't want to protect this child? Are you a father to him only when times are good? Didn't you accept him as a son when you married?

Last edited by maritalbliss; 05/21/12 06:54 PM.

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Originally Posted by igiiroko
No, pokerface, WS didn't come back to get DS12. I haven't yet asked her...
Get a notebook and start documenting all this in your own handwriting, and put dates and times next to your entries.

Document everything. This is so critical, yet so overlooked.


Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


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maritalbliss:
- You don't want to protect this child?
I do, in one sense (see below). But the matter is being forced
from my hand (see below).
- Are you a father to him only when times are good?
No. Times have been "bad" for the past two years, with his
mother abandoning home and running & sleeping around, and
through that time I have been steadfast in the nurturing and
protection of DSS12 (and, of course, DD7).
- Didn't you accept him as a son when you married?
Absolutely I accepted him as a son when I married his mother
- but she is doing everything nullify the marriage. Legally,
it turns out I don't have "Parental Responsibility" for DSS12.
Morally, I am in no doubt he needs protection from his mother.
She has bought drugs in front of both kids, and just a month
ago she was proposing to send DSS12 on vacation to Ibiza (of
all places!) with a family in which the mother AND 14yo son
are both cannabis users. I ABSOLUTELY refused that, and won
that battle, even though WS decided to involve her ex-husband
(DSS12's bio-dad). (I couldn't work out WHY. WS and I are
supposed to be parenting DSS12 -- and that, in any event, was
ex-husband's take: "I have to say I'm on your page on this
one, BS -- but I trust you both to agree on what's best for
DSS12.")


----
Me: BS (b. 1965)
Wife: WS (b. 1971)
Affair exposed: May 2012. Affair proven: Apr 2012. Affair first suspected: Jan 2011. (Affair started: Late 2010.) ILYBINILWY (said by WW to BH): ~Sep 2009
DD: b. 2005. Married: May 2005. Met: Jul 2002. DSS: b. 1999.
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igii, have you notified the boys father of what is going on? Can he go live with his father?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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maritalbliss:
- You don't want to protect this child?
I do, in one sense (see below). But the matter is being forced from my hand (see below).

- Are you a father to him only when times are good?
No. Times have been "bad" for the past two years, with his mother abandoning home and running & sleeping around, and through that time I have been steadfast in the nurturing and protection of DSS12 (and, of course, DD7).

- Didn't you accept him as a son when you married?
Absolutely I accepted him as a son when I married his mother - but she is doing everything nullify the marriage. Legally, it turns out I don't have "Parental Responsibility" for DSS12. Morally, I am in no doubt he needs protection. Example: On a visit with kids to a London friend's, WS bought some dope from some guy who came to the door, and DSS11 - drawing on his Drug Awareness lessons at school - realised what was going on, and challenged his mum. WS lied at first, but eventually confessed that it was "weed". This was 11pm-ish. Traumatised, DSS11 tried to leave the building by himself, declaring "I want to go to my dad, I don't want to be with someone doing drugs!" and repeatedly crying to WS: "Call my dad! Call my dad! Call my dad!" as he tried to leave. They scuffled, upsetting DD6, and things were tense until I (knowing none of this) arrived to pick the kids up and bring them home. DSS11 told me the story the next day, sobbing uncontrollably. I challenged WS, and she said the kids' seeing the transaction was unintentional: her friend is autistic and not always conscious of proper conduct etc. That was bad enough. Then just a month ago WS was proposing to send DSS12 on vacation to Ibiza (of all places!) with a family in which the mother AND 14yo son are both cannabis users. I ABSOLUTELY refused that, and won that battle, even though WS decided to involve her ex-husband (DSS12's bio-dad). (I couldn't work out WHY, since WS and I are supposed to be parenting DSS12. In any event, that was ex-husband's take: "I have to say I'm on your page on this one, BS/igiiroko -- but I trust you both to agree on what's best for DSS12.")

(Btw, as I wrote the above, I was upset for the first time, since all this broke in the past two/three weeks. Glad I'm by myself.)


----
Me: BS (b. 1965)
Wife: WS (b. 1971)
Affair exposed: May 2012. Affair proven: Apr 2012. Affair first suspected: Jan 2011. (Affair started: Late 2010.) ILYBINILWY (said by WW to BH): ~Sep 2009
DD: b. 2005. Married: May 2005. Met: Jul 2002. DSS: b. 1999.
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Yes, Mel: in the conversation with biodad (what's the MB acronym?), I told him about the dope-buying incident and the effect on DSS11. WS had spoken to him first, and she told me he'd laughed it off. But he reminded me he used to work in a drug-rehab clinic and would never find that a laughing matter.

Can DSS12 go live with his father (in Australia)? Yes, if all three agree. Biodad did express the wish last year, after he and DSS11 spent some of summer holidays together -- and DSS said he'd like to live with his dad. I don't know if WS has a settled position on the matter.


----
Me: BS (b. 1965)
Wife: WS (b. 1971)
Affair exposed: May 2012. Affair proven: Apr 2012. Affair first suspected: Jan 2011. (Affair started: Late 2010.) ILYBINILWY (said by WW to BH): ~Sep 2009
DD: b. 2005. Married: May 2005. Met: Jul 2002. DSS: b. 1999.
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Originally Posted by igiiroko
Yes, Mel: in the conversation with biodad (what's the MB acronym?), I told him about the dope-buying incident and the effect on DSS11. WS had spoken to him first, and she told me he'd laughed it off. But he reminded me he used to work in a drug-rehab clinic and would never find that a laughing matter.

Can DSS12 go live with his father (in Australia)? Yes, if all three agree. Biodad did express the wish last year, after he and DSS11 spent some of summer holidays together -- and DSS said he'd like to live with his dad. I don't know if WS has a settled position on the matter.

igii, I would call him and tell him your WW is in an affair and has abandoned the boy. Encourage him to make arrangements to get him back. He needs a parent right now.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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He knows. He was on the Exposure list. And he was the first person to call my wife back. He didn't speak to me, and the 'phone number that I have for him no longer works (it worked only a few weeks ago, per above).


----
Me: BS (b. 1965)
Wife: WS (b. 1971)
Affair exposed: May 2012. Affair proven: Apr 2012. Affair first suspected: Jan 2011. (Affair started: Late 2010.) ILYBINILWY (said by WW to BH): ~Sep 2009
DD: b. 2005. Married: May 2005. Met: Jul 2002. DSS: b. 1999.
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Originally Posted by igiiroko
He knows. He was on the Exposure list. And he was the first person to call my wife back. He didn't speak to me, and the 'phone number that I have for him no longer works (it worked only a few weeks ago, per above).

Does your step son know his number?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Yes -- DSS12 and I have the same number. Don't know if WS has new number (if there is a new one - it might just be that the existing one has a temporary fault). She mightn't give it to me, but might to DSS12, I suppose...


----
Me: BS (b. 1965)
Wife: WS (b. 1971)
Affair exposed: May 2012. Affair proven: Apr 2012. Affair first suspected: Jan 2011. (Affair started: Late 2010.) ILYBINILWY (said by WW to BH): ~Sep 2009
DD: b. 2005. Married: May 2005. Met: Jul 2002. DSS: b. 1999.
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Intense conversation with DSS12 last night. He condemned his mother, saying he was surprised I hadn't gone to the cops and reported her every misdemeanour - drugs, drink-driving, child neglect, the lot. He felt sure I am extremely angry and hurt, and feels he is only just behind me on the scales: "I can't believe my mum did something as disgusting as that, and not after all you've done for her." Etc.. "I hope you get really rich and make lots of money and then she'll get jealous and want to come back and then you'll tell her to go away, because she'd had her chance." Etc. etc..

Just as I did ref the cannabis incident of last year, I mostly listened and gave him space in which to vent.

He also said something interesting: "You should ask her what she's going to do with the ring." Why? "I dunno - just ask her. I know she's started putting on my dad's ring from before..." Interesting...

When I arrived home today from work and picking up DD7 from after-school club, WS was on phone to DSS12. When he handed phone to me, WS's first words to me were "What are you doing - brainwashing my son?!" I handed the phone back to DSS12.

Turns out he'd been remonstrating with her, and she'd accused him of taking sides. (She said to him previously that she wants him to live with her: she doesn't want him living with me because I'd "brainwash" him, and she doesn't want him going to live in Australia with XH/Biodad, period.)

On the Exposure front, in addition to WS's best/oldest friend's email reply, I have received two more pieces of correspondence. One is Fb message from one of the women on OM's Fb page, to the effect that "I don't know OM well, but I'm sorry for you and your family and will pray for you. Too much stuff like this happens because there's so much temptation on the clubbing scene. I pray a lot and hold tight to my faith. I'll pray for you and your family too. Etc..."

The second is email from my aforementioned friend of 12yrs (who previously assured me: "she doesn't have a d*ck problem, she has a drink problem"), who now, in a nutshell, tells me to forget about trying reconciliation: "sometimes in life you just have to move on even if it feels like the last thing you want to do".


----
Me: BS (b. 1965)
Wife: WS (b. 1971)
Affair exposed: May 2012. Affair proven: Apr 2012. Affair first suspected: Jan 2011. (Affair started: Late 2010.) ILYBINILWY (said by WW to BH): ~Sep 2009
DD: b. 2005. Married: May 2005. Met: Jul 2002. DSS: b. 1999.
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Are you kidding me??? Your son has talked to you and reported his concerns regarding the following actions of his mother:

Drug abuse
Alcohol abuse
Child abuse/neglect

This is a cry out to you, ig. This little guy is screaming for help.

What are you going to do?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Are you kidding me??? Your son has talked to you and reported his concerns regarding the following actions of his mother:

Drug abuse
Alcohol abuse
Child abuse/neglect

This is a cry out to you, ig. This little guy is screaming for help.

What are you going to do?
This also shows me a lot about the true character of igi and his stepson. This little guy is fighting for HIM over his bio father and mother. Igi, no matter what happens here, it's pretty obvious who has instilled this child's ethics and morals. It sure as hell isn't either one of them.

Now, what are you going to do? Like mb said, YOUR son is screaming for help. How are you going to handle this?


Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


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My instincts -- generally, and in respect of DSS12 -- are bound up in my emotions right now, and everything is far too raw now..!

Meantime, I've had prayers from two female Facebook contacts of OM -- both saying they don't know OM well, but offering sympathy and, in the case of the second one, heavy-duty Christian prayers.

This second lady also declares (I paraphrase): "The first duty of a husband is to protect his wife - and by going so public with her adultery, you have failed in protecting your wife. She now has to decide if she can forgive you. You both need to apologise to each other."


----
Me: BS (b. 1965)
Wife: WS (b. 1971)
Affair exposed: May 2012. Affair proven: Apr 2012. Affair first suspected: Jan 2011. (Affair started: Late 2010.) ILYBINILWY (said by WW to BH): ~Sep 2009
DD: b. 2005. Married: May 2005. Met: Jul 2002. DSS: b. 1999.
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