enginekid. Dr. Harley says alcohol addiction must be treated first before marital recovery can happen:


Here is a link to the entire article as well as another article:

Alcoholic Spouse Letter #1

Alcoholic Spouse Letter #2

I hope this is helpful.

Yes, we're fully recovered. Our recovery involved EXPOSURE to H's employer by the OW's husband. It involved COMPLETE DISCLOSURE to me. It involved EXPOSURE to our family - which included OUR CHILDREN.

We're better than we were before the affair because we survived it together and used MB tools to recover - we didn't understand Emotional Needs or anything like that in the beginning. It was alien to us. We've learned to use Dr. H's concepts in everything we do. If Mr. Bliss wants to do something, he'll say "I want to golf this afternoon with Greg - POJA?" If I have a problem with him golfing with 'Greg' I'll say 'no POJA - let's talk about it." And we do. It's such a good, marriage-building activity. And it builds so much intimacy! We use the POJA for EVERYTHING. It was weird at first, but it's become an integral part of our lives.

I'll help you as much as I can.

Please listen to this clip on alcoholics.

Have you read what Dr. H says about addicts who keep slipping back?

Radio clip on alcoholic who keeps slipping

POJA?

The Policy Of Joint Agreement

Need advice. Anyone who has been so helpful following this thread, HELP!!!! Exposure happened today. Naturally wife and other guy were furious, i weathered the storm, expected the anger and stood my ground. Wife went to work at said bar. I just got a message that said "be home in the morning" I replied with "where are you gonna stay? " That was 20 minutes ago. No reply. WHat do I do now? I'm hurt, confused, sick to my stomach. . . HELP. What do I do when she comes home in the morning?

When she comes home

you stay calm. You don't lecture her or make judgements. You don't engage in angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements or demands.

Calm.

Reading's right.

You are now James Bond.

Let WW make her decisions. Only you can control YOURS.

By the way, you should start documenting EVERYTHING. Hope you don't need it, but know you are covering all of your bases, just as Bond would.

Get a journal, and make dates about WW's behaviour. No emotions, just conversations and actions. I did this during Plan A and it is helping me with property settlement. And I don't have kids, so if this eventuates in custody battles, you want to have evidence of your parenting. And your WW's poor choices.

I for one don't think a wayward alcoholic mother staying out all night on a whim is exceptional mother material.

The first thing you do is ensure there are no lovebusters. No anger, no snarky comments, no demands from your side.

Its common for WSs to do really mean things like this to anger the BS. When the BS gets angry, the WS demonises him, telling herself and everyone else that you are verbally abusive.

Don't rise to it. Remember you have a plan.

She will probably be either drunk, hungover or full of wayward fog babble. So its prob the worst time possible for a discussion. I would choose another time to tell her you were very worried and just reverse fogbabble anything she says.

Have you read the carrot and stick of Plan A thread?

I'm presuming you aren't going to get much sleep tonight.

Btw, exposure isn't done until your children know why their mother isn't coming home at night.

Reverse fog babble means ignoring or reversing the harmful, insulting things waywards say. For added effect, don't get drawn in,make your point and then go do something else:

WW: I bet you didn't even care that I was out all night. I can't stand to be around you.

You: Yes, I do care very much and your behaviour was very hurtful to me. Want a sandwich?

Does your phone have the ability to record? Can you get a voice recorder?

Its common for WWs who are this far gone to cry 'violence!'

Record your conversations so she can't say you hit her.

Remember alcoholics aren't in control of their moral standards

Carrot and Stick of Plan A
DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT

It is now 6 AM. I got a text at 5:40 stating "Hey, I'm fine. . . be home soon. At jens." Jen lives around the corner from the bar she works at. Other guy lives in town (Small town) Next move? I read Carrot and Stick of Plan A and it was very helpful. It made me feel better. WHat do I do when she gets in about the possibility of it not being Jen's house she was at? STaying calm. No outburts. Be welcoming.

EK, you need to read ALL of the links that BH (and others) post to you. Document is also VERY important in your sitch. As is Indie's suggestion that you get a voice activated recorder (VAR). Do NOT trust a wayward. Nor an alcoholic.

As for where she stayed... I wouldn't raise it. She will likely just lie. Waywards typically do. If you had a landline for Jen, I would have already rung it and asked to speak to WW.

What I would mention, is how worried and upset you were that she stayed away the night. Just a calm expression of your feelings. No outbursts, but stating the fact that it hurt and worried you. That you care about her safety.

If she raises exposure... "I was doing whatever it takes to save our marriage and family". Rinse, repeat. Do NOT mention MB. Do NOT apologise. You are STANDING up for your marriage and rights. Be proud.

James Bond always is unflappable.

Got it. James Bond. Daniel Craig Bond, by the way.

What do i do with the VAR??? Leave it in her car?

Hahaha, to me he is the best one!

The sense of humour you are showing... show it to WW. THIS IS JAMES BOND. Witty, even in the face of adversity.

Yes and I would have one on you. Check to see if your state allows one side to be recorded, without their knowledge.

WWs are very known with filing false DV charges, so protect yourself.

You need to find out who OM is, so you can expose this affair. Any chance you can drive by Jen's house to see if she's actually there?

Definitely in her car. Concealed though, but remember within earshot.

And carry one on you whenever you are with WW.

She MAY use a DV threat to try to gain custody. It has been done before. MANY times. My brother (an XBH) had this thrown at him. It happens, especially to BH's who think their WW would NEVER do this.

Can you get these VAR's anywhere else you think she may be conducting her A?

Spyware on her phone would be best as well.

Yeah, DO THIS!!!

Gather your evidence.