I know who the Other Guy is. Check my earlier post. I exposed it to the Entire Town Council and Police Department (He's a cop, 27) I have his phone number and Gmail account. My wife skates on a Roller Derby team and her league, especially her teammates, are VERY close. Many have helped others out with their infidelity issues. Ironically, my wife was always the voice of reason to explain why the affair is happening. i.e. quick fix, saying all the right things, escape from reality, stress, pressure. Now it's happening to her. I started reaching out to some of her closer friends and teammates and exposed it to them. They reacted with shock and disbelief because I've always been her biggest supporter(Something she completely discounts now) and they all tell me how highly my wife speaks of me and our marriage to them. Many of them admired the marriage we had and hoped they could have one similar to ours. She's meeting one of them for dinner Tuesday night, so hopefully, it's another tipping point.
I can Find this Jen's house easily. It's a very small beachfront town. The problem is loading my 2 boys into the car while they're soundly sleeping(BLESSING!!) to go on a recon mission.
Any suggestions on phone spyware?

What phone does WW have?

In case no one replies (it can be slow on weekends here), check this forum out:

Operation Investigate

Do you have anyone to call around and mind the kids?

Whilst you go on a mission?

If not, does Jen have a landline?

If so... ring. Ask to speak to WW.

Did you tell your older DS?

She has an iPhone. What does DS stand for?

EK, I am unsure of exactly who you have exposed to?

Please give us a detailed list.

It should include ALL family and friends. And WW's colleagues if this is applicable (eg if they are enablers which it sounds as though they are).

And... have you exposed to the kids?

Well done on the exposure to OM's side though... hats off!!!

Did you manage to expose to his friends / family?

If not, do this. There is a difference between a work hiccup, and a tsunami effect.

Does POSOM have a FB account? Can you see his friends list?

If so, copy and paste to a word document.

We can give advice about how to create absolute havoc for this guy through FB. His family also need to know, they are the best influence on him.

Darling son.

The town council, including the Mayor, the police force. It was total panic the morning the E-mails were read. Wife's Mom knows everything. Many of wife's friends now know as well. Being a cop, he is not allowed to have a facebook account. SO I'm having trouble with this:

We can give advice about how to create absolute havoc for this guy through FB. His family also need to know, they are the best influence on him.

And no to the kids. I know it's a mistake. From what I read. I'm hoping today she's telling me he's out of the picture. We're supposed to go out to breakfast, her suggestion, but it's already 7:35.

I'm Daniel Craig. . . I can kill you in a bathroom and not mess up my suit.

EK, you are only exposing to HIS side. Not hers.

Exposure is about consequences for both waywards.

You are still protecting her. This will not serve you in protecting your marriage.

You are enabling her to continue her wayward and alcoholic CHOICES.

What do you mean "many" OF WW's friends now know? Exposure is to ALL of her and YOUR friends. HER friends may influence and put pressure on her to become the person / wife she could be. YOUR friends can support you through the most difficult time of your life.

In my country, I know police who have FB accounts. Are you SURE he does not have one? Does your WW have one? Have you checked who her friends are?

If you can't find OM's FB account, can you find his family? Is HE married? If so, his BW has a right to know of the A...

And you are right. Not telling the kids IS a mistake. Even IF WW agrees to recovery, I think you have a long road ahead of you. Particularly given her alcoholism. And you children have a right to know about this.

Aah, but would Daniel Craig allow his WW to cheat on him, swagger off to a bar, and call to say she would not be home that night to care for her kids? Whilst he sits at home, twiddling his thumbs and wondering what time she will be home?

This is not said to degrade or humiliate you EK. But to point out to you, what WW has done to you. You did not choose WW's behaviour. You can not control it. But you can damn well act on it. To protect yourself and your kids.

Here Acronyms and Abbreviations
Iphone Help

Even if he's history, you still have to tell the kids! She's a wayward and waywards have to be open and accountable to ALL who love them. She needs this 'stick' part of Plan A very badly, and your kids need to stop being so confused all the time.

How many of her close loved ones have agreed to speak with her about her behaviour?

Were you able to snoop on her whereabouts? or phone her friend? Document all this stuff. even if you dont know where she was it doenst look good she just anounced she wasnt coming home.

Update: It's 9:05 Wife has been away from home for 17 hours. Told me at 12:20 AM she'd be home in the morning. (She'd already decided that) When she came home I was upstairs reading a book with our youngest. (3 1/2) She came in while I was finishing. I simply stated that I was glad she's home, I was worried and that I'm glad she's home safe. Went right back to finishing the page I was on with son.
She told me that her night/morning was very therapeutic. SHe said she and Jen cried a lot. I asked about what? SHe indicated what do you think and welled up with tears. I asked her if I thought we were gonna be OK. SHe smiled (Been long since I saw it) and cried and said yes, I think so. We hugged each other and have plans for the day with and without kids.
I know this is just the very beginning, exposure to more is currently in the works, but big step forward, no?

"big step forward"....unlikely.

Recovery is a series of small steps forward often involving small steps backward over the course of YEARS.

Words are cheap. Until she has quit drinking AND gone "no contact" with OM over a significant period of time (through withdrawal) there isn't any progress to be made.

However....it MAY be a good indication (time will tell) that she didn't go nuts on you for exposing her and the affair. That she does accept some culpability and still has feelings for you. The fact she can still touch you (hug) is good, but again, she could be drunk again tonight and you've got your hopes up for nothing.

Don't fall for Crocodile tears insist upon and watch her ACTIONS.

Mr. Wondering

Exposure doesnt work unless its doesnt ALL IN ONE DAY!

trickle exposure is like shooting a tiger with a bb gun. Its only enough to make it mad.

GET IT DONE! You are only telling the truth after all. Should take a few hours.

Honestly, EK.


She's been out for HOURS, and OVERNIGHT while youve been in terrible pain, unable to sleep. She waltzes home, cries, smiles and you turn into mush and believe every word.

That is NOT a big step forward. Getting gaslighted by a wayward is NOT progress.

You need to shut your ears to her and get behind the wheel and start taking control of this mess.

Job number one is to tell her overnighters without you, anywhere are not acceptable because she's an addict and it's inconsiderate.

Then ignore the tears, bluster and manipulation tactics.

Then expose.

Then put Mels' advice into practice.

Is this Jen enabling her to cheat?

...but big step forward, no?

Uhh, NO, actually. What you have is an "Oh, [censored], I got caught; time for damage control" moment.

A big step forward would involve AT LEAST these four things:

• Quitting her (or any) bartender job
• Enrolling in AA, and working the program
• Writing a NC letter to POSOM, for YOU to mail
• Telling her children what she did, and why she won't do it again

NOTHING on that list is negotiable. Got it?

You are joking, right? Not at all. There is no plan to move forward here so, without that, your marriage will fail. What is the plan?

In order to save your marriage, your wife will have to get into treatment and never drink again. She will have to quit her job in a bar obviously.

And she spent the night with the OM last night. So yes, her night was therapeutic in a way.

You have not moved forward. Your alcoholic wife just stayed out all night with her scumbag boyfriend.

I have concluded one of the biggest problems here is that you are in the practice of enabling her and don't have any understanding of the dynamics of alcoholics. You are actually harming your wife by appeasing her. That is like giving sugar to a diabetic. You are just fueling her disease.

Do you truly care about your wife? Because if you do, you will help her get help for her alcoholism and stop playing around here. Saving your marriage is impossible unless she stops drinking.

Here is what my husband did for me on April 27th, 1985. He told me that I had to stop drinking TODAY and go to AA [that DAY] or get out. He would put me on a bus to my mothers and I could not take my little boys, ages 2 and 3 at the time. I have not had a drink since that day. I went to my first AA meeting that night while my husband and my 2 little boys sat out in the parking lot waiting for me.

THAT is what it will take to save your marriage. You are barking up the wrong tree with all this other crap.

NOW is the time to go to your wife and tell her she quits that job TODAY and stops drinking TODAY or she gets out. She feels guilty because she stayed out all night with her OM, so you can leverage that guilt to force her to stop drinking.

THAT is what you will do if you care about your wife.

Your reaction to her when she returned home is just plain old ENABLING. You need to man up and knock it off!

Oh, baloney. She's playing you. First of all, I doubt she was with Jen - or least she wasn't with her until she texted you that she was. She would know that it would have been too easy for you to check on her.

Unlikely. More likely what has happened is that she and OM spent the majority of the night together, hatching a plan. And here's the plan: they're going to lay low until the heat dies down. He's going to proclaim his innocence at his job.

As soon as things calm down they'll resume the affair.

I would suggest you tell your WW that there are certain things you will require for her to remain in the marriage:

- No Contact with OM for life. She writes a No Contact letter that you read. You both mail it.
- She quits the bartending job NOW. No two week notice.
- She tells your children what she has done to your family.
- She agrees to give you any passwords she has: email, FaceBook, etc.
- Change her cell phone number. Don't just block OM's number - he can call her from another phone. If you have a land line, get an unlisted number.
- No more nights apart. And I'd find out what's up with this Jen. What's her story? Is she married?

Be firm on these things. She's going to be going for damage control right now and will be at her most charming, to sway you from making waves and rocking her affair boat.

Or at least she will be until you give her your list of requirements. If she's not serious about the two of you making it, that's when you'll know.