|
|
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549 Likes: 10
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549 Likes: 10 |
TRT: Which do you think she was bringing up -- the fact of your friend's death, or the tangled relationship that included your history with his sister? Answer, please. The tangled relationship. I had a rash, knee jerk reaction. It was me. AI gave me this list of requirements in order for her to even consider recovery. What's the general consensus on it: - Car in her name/joint name - Possible post-nup protecting HER - Personal bank I have no access to - COMPLETE adherence to EPs - keyloggers/ controls on all internet - Returning to old job, even with location change, NOT AN OPTION - No more lovebusting or manipulation. Zero tolerance. Walk away. - COMPLETE honesty about all emotional and physical infidelity will be given, in detail, however small - Polygraph will be taken to ensure total honesty. �If his story was false, we are DONE. I have to agree to and complete all of these before he will consider committing to recovery. There's your answer. You have to agree to all of it. Our consensus is irrelevant. Only one person is married to you, and she has been systematically and constantly betrayed by you, and those are her conditions that you must meet if you are to be allowed to attempt recovery with her.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6 |
Dang TrT, Why do keep lying to her? The supposed EA with her friend was a PA? You snuck out while she was asleep and had sex with her friend. Damn! 
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
A line has been drawn that I do not wish or expect to cross.
One thing happened that upset me, though. She brought up the day one of our friends died, a subject that she knows is a very upsetting thing for me and something I always ask not to talk about, because she wanted to know what happened that day between myself and his sister - a woman with whom I had sex.
I got very upset because it felt to me that she was using that event against me, and knew that it would get a rise out of me.
I asked that she not bring his death up again, and he said that I should not be making demands. We then arged about whether or not I was there when he died, and she said I was having an angry outburst and walked away.
I won't apologize for being upset about the subject of a friend dying. This is something "gets me every time." I will apologize for my outburst. Wow, don't think I have seen a better example of "give a wayward a reason to gaslight you and they will run with it" scenario.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 180
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 180 |
TRT,
Sit down, write down all your affairs on a time line, and give it to her now. Answer every question she had about this timeline. Stop trickle exposing and hiding the truth! Otherwise, walk away and stop abusing your wife. No one deserves this so grow a pair and lay it all out!
Either she takes you or she doesn't. But the lies will come out. Tell her everything now. This is inhuman!!! Until you do this, your marriage won't recover.
TinT--Trouble in Texas
Me: 40
Husband: 38
Married for 17 years
Together for 20 years
DD15
DS13
DS4
H's EA discovered 1/1/12
Caller on radioshow 5/8/12
Been in counseling with SHarley since 5/17/12
On the road to recover my marriage
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
I have to agree to and complete all of these before {s}he will consider committing to recovery. You're incorrect. You must agree to every item and complete every item with a grateful heart and a willing spirit..... SO SHE DOES NOT KICK YOU OUT TODAY, THIS MINUTE. She's not going to "commit to recovery" for a very long time now. For now, she is willing to be GENEROUS and commit to allowing you near her .... for the moment. You have no idea how much just looking at you makes her sick. More lies? Really? WTF  Remember how you were making all those love bank deposits? You bragged about it a little. It felt so good, you said. What do you think your love bank balance is now? Somewhere equivalent to the US federal debt. When are you going to stop being such an idiot? I thought you were really starting to get it. You are right. A vulture. Picking away at the flesh of the wounded. I like to help willing wayward husbands become the excellent husband their wife can brag to others about. It's HARD to reach out to waywards once they have repeatedly screwed the pooch. I like to give it a try anyway, because it is my way of helping your wife. Now, I'm considering what choice name to call you. But, I will restrain myself, FOR YOUR WIFE'S SAKE. Are you going all in or not? Are you playing games? Are you being cute? Are you devouring the flesh from your wife's wounds? I turn you over to my friend, GloveOil. I'm miffed.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6 |
I have to agree to and complete all of these before {s}he will consider committing to recovery. You're incorrect. You must agree to every item and complete every item with a grateful heart and a willing spirit..... SO SHE DOES NOT KICK YOU OUT TODAY, THIS MINUTE. She's not going to "commit to recovery" for a very long time now. For now, she is willing to be GENEROUS and commit to allowing you near her .... for the moment. You have no idea how much just looking at you makes her sick. More lies? Really? WTF Remember how you were making all those love bank deposits? You bragged about it a little. It felt so good, you said. What do you think your love bank balance is now? Somewhere equivalent to the US federal debt. When are you going to stop being such an idiot? I thought you were really starting to get it. You are right. A vulture. Picking away at the flesh of the wounded. I like to help willing wayward husbands become the excellent husband their wife can brag to others about. It's HARD to reach out to waywards once they have repeatedly screwed the pooch. I like to give it a try anyway, because it is my way of helping your wife. Now, I'm considering what choice name to call you. But, I will restrain myself, FOR YOUR WIFE'S SAKE. Are you going all in or not? Are you playing games? Are you being cute? Are you devouring the flesh from your wife's wounds? I turn you over to my friend, GloveOil. I'm miffed. Couldn't have said it better.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
A line has been drawn that I do not wish or expect to cross.
One thing happened that upset me, though. She brought up the day one of our friends died, a subject that she knows is a very upsetting thing for me and something I always ask not to talk about, because she wanted to know what happened that day between myself and his sister - a woman with whom I had sex.
I got very upset because it felt to me that she was using that event against me, and knew that it would get a rise out of me.
I asked that she not bring his death up again, and he said that I should not be making demands. We then arged about whether or not I was there when he died, and she said I was having an angry outburst and walked away.
I won't apologize for being upset about the subject of a friend dying. This is something "gets me every time." I will apologize for my outburst. Wow, don't think I have seen a better example of "give a wayward a reason to gaslight you and they will run with it" scenario. I know, Susie. Possibly a sociopath.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
I get angry at pretty much everything. And when I get angry, I take it out on my wife. I snap at the kids, and I yell at my wife. And I stay where everyone can see me being pissed off. And make their lives hell.
I've made an appointment for Anger Management sessions starting on Thrsday of next week. The 21st. 5:30pm. Expect me to post almost directly after that. Have you considered that you need to completely give up your secret second life in order to STOP getting angry when your BW asks you questions?? one of the most common clues of an affair is an unwillingness to let a spouse investigate all aspects of life. If two lives are necessary for an affair, and if a spouse is curious enough, the secret second life is relatively easy to discover. Difficulty in getting a spouse to talk about events of the day can be a sign of trying to hide the second life.
One of the most common smoke-screens used by unfaithful spouses is to express shock that their spouse would be so distrusting as to ask questions about their secret second life. They try to make it seem as if such questions are an affront to their dignity, and a sign of incredible disrespect. They figure that the best defense is a good offense, and so they try to make their spouses feel guilty about asking too many questions.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
That last one was not a rhetorical Q by the way....
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 299
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 299 |
[b] A line has been drawn that I do not wish or expect to cross.
One thing happened that upset me, though. She brought up the day one of our friends died, a subject that she knows is a very upsetting thing for me and something I always ask not to talk about, because she wanted to know what happened that day between myself and his sister - a woman with whom I had sex.
I got very upset because it felt to me that she was using that event against me, and knew that it would get a rise out of me.
I asked that she not bring his death up again, and he said that I should not be making demands. We then arged about whether or not I was there when he died, and she said I was having an angry outburst and walked away.
I won't apologize for being upset about the subject of a friend dying. This is something "gets me every time." I will apologize for my outburst. Wow, don't think I have seen a better example of "give a wayward a reason to gaslight you and they will run with it" scenario. I know, Susie. Possibly a sociopath. **edit**
Last edited by MBLBanker; 06/17/12 03:36 AM. Reason: TOS: Disrespectful and inappropriate
"Now is the time for all good MB Veterans to come to the aid of their MB Rookies!"
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 197
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 197 |
Wow...
Can you please provide an adequate link/authority for this definition, please? No insult is intended. I'm genuinely curious as to where you got this information/psychological profile/"definition".
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 299
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 299 |
**edit**
Last edited by MBLBanker; 06/17/12 03:38 AM. Reason: Non-MB material; inappropriate
"Now is the time for all good MB Veterans to come to the aid of their MB Rookies!"
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 197
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 197 |
Thank you for sharing these links.
I will try to continue to update this thread, though I'm now seeing that it's pretty much useless. I would like a chance to prove myself to my wife, and fully acknowledge that she has the right to refuse my attempts and/or requests to show her my true intentions, and that divorce is very much on the table if I do not live up to her expectations. I have to, and do respect that. If AI so chooses to file for divorce, I will also respect that decision. But I intend to try to save this marriage FIRST.
I know that she appreciates the support from all of you.
I will continue to read through this thread and research the information you have provided me with.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 299
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 299 |
And, trt ~ Something else I just happened to pull up:
** edit**
Any more questions?
Last edited by MBLBanker; 06/17/12 03:39 AM. Reason: Non-MB advice
"Now is the time for all good MB Veterans to come to the aid of their MB Rookies!"
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 299
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 299 |
Thank you for sharing these links.
I will try to continue to update this thread, though I'm now seeing that it's pretty much useless. I would like a chance to prove myself to my wife, and fully acknowledge that she has the right to refuse my attempts and/or requests to show her my true intentions, and that divorce is very much on the table if I do not live up to her expectations. I have to, and do respect that. If AI so chooses to file for divorce, I will also respect that decision. But I intend to try to save this marriage FIRST.
I know that she appreciates the support from all of you.
I will continue to read through this thread and research the information you have provided me with.
You know what, trt?
Your "words" are backed up by your "actions"...
How do people "know" that you are backing up your words by your actions?
YUP!!!
They are "validated" by your BW!!!
We'll see, won't we?
"Now is the time for all good MB Veterans to come to the aid of their MB Rookies!"
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 197
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 197 |
And, trt ~ Something else I just happened to pull up:
**edit**
Any more questions? **edit**
Last edited by MBLBanker; 06/17/12 03:42 AM. Reason: Please notify the moderators if you have an issue with another poster. Let's get back to Marriage Building
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 197
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 197 |
You know what, trt?
Your "words" are backed up by your "actions"...
How do people "know" that you are backing up your words by your actions?
YUP!!!
They are "validated" by your BW!!!
We'll see, won't we?[/b] Yes, we will.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
First of all, it doesn't matter if your wife believes you or not. At this point in time, convincing her of ANYTHING is not part of what you need to do. Got it?
...I will not waste any time with you if you are so lazy that you are unwilling to do these three things. Hey Marcos, On my first or second day, you said the above. I'm rereading my entire thread and taking note. I just wanted to throw something at you that just occurred to me. AI has agreed with my summary of the following: When I rant and rave at her, what I'm doing is twofold. I'm having an Angry Outburst, and I'm exercising Disrespectful Judgements. I "thought" I was just trying to tell her what I feel, but what I was doing was manipulating her and trying to take the responsibility of her pain off me by making her assuage my guilt and depression. I was manipulating her as I have always been. It makes me feel both happy and sick to come to this conclusion. But it's about bloody time. Yes, this is exactly what AOs and DJs are for. Dr. Harley describes a continuum of abuse and control. Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgments, and Selfish Demands all come because you want something. You don't get it, so you demand it. If that doesn't work, you escalate: you use disrespect to try to get your wife to give you what you want. And if that still doesn't work, you have an angry outburst. It's all abuse, and it's all about controlling your wife.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,155
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,155 |
TRT I just don't get why on earth you would debate, negotiate and get angry with the REASONABLE requests your BW has asked from you in order for her to co sider recovery.
You come here all yes mam I'll do this and yes sir I'll do that but behind the scenes at home with AL your angry, resentful and trying to negotiate the terms of her recovery.
After what you did you just don't get to ask for anything, you simply ENTHUSIASTICALLY agree to any requests AL makes that will help her heal from the tremendous assault you inflicted on her.
So drop the act with us at MB too and start being honest with the kind people who are trying to help you. What's the problem with what AL has asked of you and the EPs she has asked for???
BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months
Divorced
Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.
If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
I will try to continue to update this thread, though I'm now seeing that it's pretty much useless. Is that Velma, the drama Queen trying to take over again?  It's only useless if you make it useless. The choice is yours. I would like a chance to prove myself to my wife You have a difficult time recognizing your own selfishness. Years of thinking about yourself. The above statement is declaring that you want to look good and you seek approval. It's about your needs. I wish you'd said this: "I would like a chance to heal my wife and make her happy." You may think I am playing semantics, I assure you, this wording you used is about YOUR need, not your wife's. You need me (us) to point these things out to you because after years of selfishness, you lack awareness of how selfish you've become. Please, welcome these little stings of clarity. You've got thousands of "A-ha!" moments ahead of you. Don't allow yourself to bristle and become defensive every time. Just pick up the tip/lesson and put it in your pocket and keep going. and fully acknowledge that she has the right to refuse my attempts and/or requests to show her my true intentions Do you even hear yourself? Your "true intentions" are truer this time than they were before? Really. You REALLY mean it, this time. Do you even know what trash your true intentions have historically been? Don't talk like this. By that I mean, in catch-phrases meant to show yourself off in a "good light". You have squandered that right. For now, your wife knows your true intentions have been to lie/cheat/bamboozle her. and that divorce is very much on the table if I do not live up to her expectations. Live up to HER expectations .....What do you expect of yourself? You borrow your wife's expectations that you behave well. Why? You need to be a better man even if you divorce. I have to, and do respect that. If AI so chooses to file for divorce, I will also respect that decision. But I intend to try to save this marriage FIRST. Why? Really.... Why? It's been a miserable marriage. What have you enjoyed about marriage? I know that she appreciates the support from all of you.  And you don't? You are getting support as well. We support you stop this and start this 
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
551
guests, and
86
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,524
Members72,031
| |
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|
