WARNING!!! THIS IS A LOOOOOOONG POST!

Okay...
Let me clarify by using my history...
H and I have been married almost 37 years.
When we married in 1975 I was not open and honest with him about my "history"...
Just after graduating from high school I was raped by a man whose dad was my boss. (I was a soda jerk at a movie theater and the perp was the person who ran the projectors.)
Long story short ~ The perp found out where I lived and paid me a visit. I was alone, and, because I knew him, I was not in the least worried when I saw him standing on my front porch. He had always been nice and friendly at work. Never was there any "thing" that he did or said that would have caused me to be uncomfortable being around him. When I opened the front door, he very nonchalantly opened the storm door so that we could "talk". (I thought!)That is when he walked into the house and he assaulted me, all the while smiling! I told him to "STOP" and tried to get away without success! I was a stupid young lady at the age of 18 who never told ANY ONE about what happened to me that day...
And, guess what?!?
That was the secret in my past that caused so much conflict in my marriage UNTIL I fessed up in 1993.
I realized that what happened to me in 1970 was something that my H was NOT responsible for!
UNTIL I confessed to my H , 18 years into our marriage, he was terribly confused and concerned about our relationship.
UNTIL then, he did not understand why I had such anger toward "men" / HIM?!?

Miraculously, in 1979, I trusted Christ as my Savior!
YES! It took me 15 LOOOOOONG years to fess up even after trusting Jesus Christ as my Savior!
I was terrified to reveal "truth" to my H!!!!!
Unfortunately, it took that long for me to feel the depth of God's conviction to reveal His Truth!
All those years, I was convicted of my sin of "omission", that I knew that burying/denying a terrible "secret" that I had been using in order to rationalize, justify my bizarre behavior was the cause of so much unhappiness in my marriage!
Behavior that was totally irrational and hurtful toward my H...
That "IT" (the unreconciled pain & anger toward the perp) was a festering boil in my heart that could not heal on its own...
I tried rationalizing, justifying, denying�
And God�
Showed me in His Word that the ONLY way to eradicate the "IT", was to allow HIM to do what He does BEST.
Confess & Forgive...
Too many years elapsed where I did not know that Honesty & Openness with my H and forgiveness for the perp would FREE me from the "IT"!
It took the scalpel that only Jesus can wield, to completely lance that part of my heart that needed to be lanced...
It hurt to the core of my being...
Yet...
The emotional, spiritual & physical pain that I suffered from the lancing of my heart led me to:
Forgive the man who violated me...
Seek forgiveness from the man I am married to... (For not being honest with him about my past...)
Yes, I forgave (In my heart) the perp 100% for hurting me, for taking away the virginity I had promised God I would protect...
Yes, I received the forgiveness from my H in order for me to be the woman of integrity that God desires me to be� The woman of God that my H deserves!
It made me mad as hell that God required these things of me though!
Confession & Forgiveness that led me to 100% honesty & openness were necessary in order for me to be at peace with God, with my H and with myself.
HUMILITY!!!
All of these things were necessary in order for me to be 100% honest & open in my marriage and with God!
My confession to my H was way waaaaaay back in 1989!
Yes! 1989!!!!! (Pre-MB)
I had carried that awful boil in my heart, even as a Christian, all those years, thinking that all I needed to do was "Bury" it... "Deny" it... "Rationalize" it...
FOR ME???
NOT SO MUCH, DEAR FRIENDS!!!
For me, that "IT" stayed with me UNTIL I came clean with God and with my H through confession & forgiveness!
I do NOT feel one bit the need to confront or reconcile or anything with the perp!
NOPE!!!
I do NOT feel one bit the need to �understand� the �why� the perp did what he did!
Never have�
All I know is that God has called me to Forgive the perp and pray for his eternal soul�
I would be most gracious and happy to see him in heaven when I get there!
As far as me trying to �understand� what happened to me and why�
I do not need to know�
Because God knows�
That �All things work together for good to those who love the Lord, to those who are called according to HIS purpose.�
Romans 8:28

BTW ~ Please pray for my H and I...
H found our precious baby, Gracie, (13-year old Brittany Spaniel) lying on the ground today... Her tongue & gums were WHITE! She was panting like crazy... He rushed her to the Vet where I met them from work... Our precious Gracie "crashed" 10 times before she took her last breath... Talk about a horrendous day... Don't know about y'all ~ ~ ~ But I firmly believe that ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!!!!! She's in heaven sitting in the boat with my dad and John and Peter... They're fishing up a storm!!!!! We know where Gracie is... She's okay... It's DH and I who are lost as gooses right now!

LoveIsAChoice,

The only "Why" to being angry is lack of self-control. Any other reason you can come up with is only giving yourself permission to lose self-control. No person you know today, no situation you find yourself in, and no past experiences can make you an angry person.

You do it to yourself.

Agree.

Dr. Harley told me "no one makes you have an AO Brain. You control that yourself"

You are both 100% correct...
Once I confessed and sought forgiveness with my H, I knew I was on the right path!
When H asked me if I had forgiven the perp, I knew that I had not...
The memory of the rape so many years before had me by the nape of the neck!
It was then that I knew, really knew, that if I was to be "free" from the past "incident" and its memory, I HAD to confess my heart of unforgiveness toward him and seek forgiveness from God for having a hard heart toward him.
I harbored such deep-seated hatred for the perp, it was killing my soul! After all, HE was the reason I had developed the need to "protect" myself!
Knowing what I know now, since finding MB, I see that I gave control to the bad guy all those years!!!
I robbed MYSELF of experiencing the joy, peace, love that God offers to those who hurt so deeply!
Once I bowed my head to talk to God about my unforgiving spirit, He took over!
When His Spirit took over my prayer, I was able to offer up to God my 100% heart of forgiveness for the perp who hurt me so badly!
The prayer went something like this:

"Father, You know the depth of my hatred for __________ and what he did to me. You know the depth of despair I have lived all the while trying to give the impression to others that I am "fine"! You know the pain I have caused myself and others who love me by choosing not to forgive _________! I am tired of living my life in a way that does not reflect YOU! I know that the ONLY way I can be free from this pain is to agree with You, that I must forgive _________ 100%, holding no "thing" back...
So, Father, here am I... I choose to do what You desire me to do, even though I don't want to!!!
I pray that You will take my words of forgiveness for _________, even in my weakness to speak them...
I pray that You will honor my desire to do what You want me to do in order for me to be free indeed!
I pray that You will help me as I speak forgiveness for ________ and that you will continue to work on my heart as I go forward...
I pray that Your power over darkness in my life will shine as never before, since trusting Your Son Who died for my sins!
Thank you for showing me that I can ALWAYS choose to do the right thing even when I do NOT want to do it, and that You will honor the results!
Thank You, Father, for assuring me that I do NOT need to settle this account with ________.
Thank You that You are much bigger and better to settle the wrong that he did to me better than I ever could!
So, Father, right now, in the best way I can, I come to You on bended knees. Please embrace me and pull me close to Your bosom as I tell You, through my tears, that I choose to forgive _______ completely for the pain he inflicted on me so many years ago... I choose to pray for his salvation, knowing that Jesus died for his sins... I choose to release all of the bitterness and hatred I have harbored in my heart toward him. I choose to believe Your word that says:
"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
In my Savior's Name,
The Name of Jesus Christ,
I pray,
AMEN, AMEN, AMEN

When I did that, I felt such freedom and release from that "thing" that had bound me tighter than a spring!!!
At the very moment of saying the words of forgiveness, I experienced the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension... in Christ Jesus.
And, guess what? My attitude toward my H changed instantaneously! For the first time, I saw my H through compassionate eyes rather than eyes of condemnation!
He was NOT someone to punish because of my painful past!
I did not even know him when this terrible thing happened to me...
Yet, I did punish him all those years for something he had no knowledge of!

So, with all of this, my story, my feeble attempt to "help" TRT... When I read of his "past" experience, I related to what he was sharing! I immediately thought of what I had to do so many years ago in order to be free "from" a past that I had allowed to hold me in bondage... A past that, if gone unchecked, could have completely destroyed everyone (including myself) I had a relationship with! In dealing with that incident, I finally found the freedom to be the wife, mother & friend that pleases God!

I do apologize for disrupting TRT's thread with my verbose story! I wish so much that TRT could experience the freedom and release of painful memories that have bound him!

Thank you for listening to my story...
I never intended to post so much...
But, honestly, I didn't know how to convey the depth of my intent without sharing it...

Blessings ~

Right! I did notice that! We just don't want anyone to hand you any ammunition to go off and take an unproductive route.

Even if LIAC4M meant something entirely different by her post and I am just misreading it, I don't want you to misread it the way I did and go off on an unproductive route.quote]

TRT ~
Yesterday, I posted my "history" inappropriately on your thread. I apologize! Thank goodness the mods saw fit to remove it!

Markos ~
Based on MB principles in restoring love in one's marriage, I totally agree that revisiting past pain/mistakes is like IF one tries to "use" other people to accomplish the reconciliation!
Way back in 1993 (before learning MB principles), I was able to reconcile the inner conflict that I had allowed to control my life, relationships & "attitude" toward others!
Until that time, I was a miserable mess!
Because I was a miserable mess, I hurt the people whom I love the most on this side of heaven!
It was me, myself & I AND God who finally came to grips with the fact that "I" was the ONLY person who could resolve the "IT" that was destroying my life!
Not my husband, my children, my family or my friends...
God and me...
Privately...
When I was able to revisit my past and reconcile it within myself (WITH God's help), my whole life changed.
I experienced freedom from that awful past once and for all!
All of my anger, bitterness, hatred was completely neutralized ~ And ~ I began a new adventure that was 100% free...
Free to be who God made me to be...
Until God and I had our time together, I had tried so hard to simply "deny" the obvious! Denial did not work for me!
My "it" was like a turd in my pocket...
"It" went with me everywhere...
"It" smelled to high heaven!!!!!
I had grown so used to "its" smell, I was oblivious to it...
But, everyone I love most in this world smelled it big time!

I realize that TRT can overcome whatever "it" is in his past Dr. H's way!
Thank goodness, that he has so many who will encourage him to use Dr. H's principles to achieve his goal of restoring love in his marriage...
I want to be a part of that encouragement by supporting Dr. H's principles 100%...
Dr. H's way WORKS!

Hope this helps explain my earlier post in a way that is respectful and understandable...
Blessings