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This strategy from Dr. Harley is very hard to do, but it works in my marriage. It usually takes just slightly longer than I expect/want it to take:

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
But even though she made an abusive remark, you can end the cycle of abuse before it begins if you don't accelerate negativity (that means, matching her abuse with abuse of your own). What you should do is ignore the abuse on her side, and in your own mind re-translate what she said to be "I would prefer it if you would dry the dishes this way, instead of the way you are drying them."

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5067b_qa.html



If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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On the radio in 2010, Dr. Harley actually said that wives have more of a problem being disrespectful than husbands do! laugh But if you can keep your head, keep your cool, you have a great potential to turn it around.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Btw we did have a fight tonight. It started the same way with all of them. She DJ'd me and I reacted too harshly.

One of these days she is going to be disrespectful, and you are going to react gently and calmly, and she is going to be amazed and take notice that something has changed.

Agreed.


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Originally Posted by kilted_thrower
I like what Marcos has to say. Often I can diffuse a situation by calmly stating that I knew she is upset, I'm sorry for x action I did to upset her and I'd love to talk about it but that is appreciate if she didn't snap at me.

Or word it goes you want. The key for me is acknowledge she is upset, own up to my part, and then calmly state my own boundaries

Yes and I didn't do that. I felt what she accused me of was wrong and fired back.


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Btw we did have a fight tonight. It started the same way with all of them. She DJ'd me and I reacted too harshly.

One of these days she is going to be disrespectful, and you are going to react gently and calmly, and she is going to be amazed and take notice that something has changed.

Agreed.
Did you get a chance to listen to the clips?


FWW/BW (me)
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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Did you get a chance to listen to the clips?

Yes. I posted a great one a few days ago.


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We still struggle with her DJ's and what typically happens is I reach a point where I've had enough and I fire back.
Sounds like you still struggle with your own DJs.


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Btw we did have a fight tonight. It started the same way with all of them. She DJ'd me and I reacted too harshly. We were equally to blame. I apologized.
Apologies are meaningless when the same thing keeps happening over and over again.

Apologize by never doing it again.


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Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
We still struggle with her DJ's and what typically happens is I reach a point where I've had enough and I fire back.
Sounds like you still struggle with your own DJs.

Yep sure do and I find it incredibly difficult not to react to a DJ with a DJ.

Handyman is gonna be here in 30 mins for the first week. I hired him 3 hours a week to do misc things around the house/yard. That is a problem, I found a solution, hopefully that will make some significant deposits. Laundry service hasn't gone over as well. I've offered but she might feel it to be invasive to have someone else doing our family's laundry, not really sure so I won't push it.



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Have you listened to the clips?


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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Yep sure do and I find it incredibly difficult not to react to a DJ with a DJ.
Who doesn't? smile

What are you going to do about it?


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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Have you listened to the clips?

Dude, no I haven't. I have a stress fracture from training for a race and have spent too much time dealing with business and family. I really do want to listen to them forever and I thank you for being consistent with me. I don't know who you are and i suppose I've been a little unfair giving you your due in trying to help me and I apologize for that.


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Have you listened to the clips?

Dude, no I haven't. I have a stress fracture from training for a race and have spent too much time dealing with business and family. I really do want to listen to them forever and I thank you for being consistent with me. I don't know who you are and i suppose I've been a little unfair giving you your due in trying to help me and I apologize for that.
Ok hope you get better.

I know the radio program teaches me so much about MB because you hear Dr. H in his own words.

Just to let you know I'm a dudette. laugh


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Geez I need to regroup and visit daily here and stop the patterns. My wife appears to be content with a marriage just the way it is. Either that or she is simply not in love with me and therefore I don't get from her what I need. I get tired of putting in the effort like this morning, got frustrated, and was disrespectful to my wife. I apologized, but like Prisca said, I have to end the behavior that prevents her from being in love with me and us having a great marriage. I don't have a willing participant of MB to work with so that means I'll have to do the heavy lifting until she reaches a point where she does fall back in love with me. I'm gonna go read the basic concepts and develop a plan because I'm not ok with a marriage without love and care.


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Problem: I ruin the opportunity for my wife's LB to cross the threshold of love by DJs.

Solution: Eliminate the DJs, AO's, etc.

Plan: Take it one conversation at a time. Come here to the forum and start a new thread which is a NO DJ Roll Call. Today is my Day 1.


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Geez I need to regroup and visit daily here and stop the patterns. My wife appears to be content with a marriage just the way it is. Either that or she is simply not in love with me and therefore I don't get from her what I need. I get tired of putting in the effort like this morning, got frustrated, and was disrespectful to my wife. I apologized, but like Prisca said, I have to end the behavior that prevents her from being in love with me and us having a great marriage. I don't have a willing participant of MB to work with so that means I'll have to do the heavy lifting until she reaches a point where she does fall back in love with me. I'm gonna go read the basic concepts and develop a plan because I'm not ok with a marriage without love and care.

Yay, yay, yay!

weightlifter <-- Hilltopper

hurray


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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I like your plan, and the analytical approach you are taking.

It's got great promise.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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Originally Posted by markos
I like your plan, and the analytical approach you are taking.

It's got great promise.

Thanks. Why work so hard at trying to get my wife to love me and then ruin it with a 60 second attack. Pretty stupid if you ask me.


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted by markos
I like your plan, and the analytical approach you are taking.

It's got great promise.

Thanks. Why work so hard at trying to get my wife to love me and then ruin it with a 60 second attack. Pretty stupid if you ask me.

You got it, Hilltopper.
Have you heard Dr. Harley talk about relaxation exercises?


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Originally Posted by Prisca
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted by markos
I like your plan, and the analytical approach you are taking.

It's got great promise.

Thanks. Why work so hard at trying to get my wife to love me and then ruin it with a 60 second attack. Pretty stupid if you ask me.

You got it, Hilltopper.
Have you heard Dr. Harley talk about relaxation exercises?

Yes I have. When I say attack I don't mean AO, I mean something disrespectful in a stupid attempt to get what I want. This particular one referred to her as "a drag to be around" when referring to her getting stressed about the kids and house. Yeah I know I was a real jerk. I'll see if I can relax myself next time I'm feeling neglected.


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