Am I Crazy? Hi �I have recently read as much as I could on the MB website..I am a new to the site and this is my first post.

We have been married for 13 years � About 4 years into our marriage I Learned that my wife had an affair � It was brought to my attention by the other wife�As you can imagine I was furious, hurt, sad and in a complete state of disbelief�Of course, there were A LOT of details that I wanted to know�Who, how, when, etc�During this process of gathering details she lied, and lied and lied and lied�.She said it was a mistake and she loved me and wanted to be with me�..Finally an intervention with our pastor finally broke the truth (I think) and I learned that not only was she involved in this current affair, but she had had another one about 6 months earlier with another man. This one was also short lived, and consisted of lots of phone, text, secret meetings, shopping, and 2 sexual encounters.

As you can imagine I was absolutely floored�.And At the time I wasn�t interested in exposing outside of the family (pastor, parents,) It wasn�t exposed to friends or employers. We didn�t have kids at the time�I asked her to move out while I cleared my head�.I was and still am of the belief that I made commitments to my wife for life,,I was very angry and blamed her�At the time I also believed that it wasn�t my fault or problem � It was her that messed it up so her that had to fix it�.We were separated for about 6 weeks before I was ready to �talk� � We were able to talk a lot and decided to get back together..

Over the past 9 years we have moved to a different city, had career advancements, and we have also endured 4 miscarriages�So we have certainly had our ups and downs�.We have two beautiful daughters 7 and 3 and they are our world�I am not sure that I have ever trusted my wife 100% again, but we have certainly made lots of progress�I always had doubt here and there, but when I would check up or in�all was good
Life since has been pretty good�Until this week, I learned that my wife was having another affair that has lasted over the last 6 months � It is a different man, with whom she works with. LOTS of email, text message, pictures of each other both clothed and naked, She claims they didn�t really start talking a lot until the last 30 days and claims they have not had intercourse but other sexual interaction did occur at my house while I was on a business trip- while my girls were in bed) have had the secret lunch meetings, phone calls�They also would invite me and the other wife into situations where we were all together�..

I called her out on all of it�.I called the other wife�.As you can imagine how hurt, angry and scared I am right now�.She says that she is very sorry and claims to have told me everything..Everyting came with lots of lies and validation first...She seems to be very sad and sick about it�She has had no contact with him and wants desperately wants tto get help�..My daughters are our world and I WILL NOT HURT THEM�.Lots of searching the past few days�.The only glimmer of hope that I have had is this website�..WOW�I have so many questions and would love to hear other thoughts.
Part of me wants to try and work on our marriage but I am deathly afraid to get hurt again..Part of me just wants to throw in the towel�.

I have read MB website up and down and realize that maybe we never addressed the real issues last time so maybe there is a chance? Does she deserve it though?
Can I EVER trust her again? What will the future be like�..Is it even possible to have a future�.

I havent showed her the website yet - Still thinking ab out it and I have verything printed for a pthe prcess to take place..
Thoughts? Am I crazy?

I'm sorry you have to be here, RL, but you'll find this is the best source for strategies for recovery from infidelity.

Please note the phrasing above. "Recovery" does not necessarily mean "reconciliation". It may well be that your wife's issues (Three documented affairs!) and your resentment/disgust might preclude that.

First things first. Given her past, there is nothing she could conceivably do to ask for your "trust". What you and she must arrange is a set of "assurance" controls (which are open-ended) that will assure you that there is no more faithless behavior on her part.

Obviously, she will have to quit working with the OM. There is no leeway here.

She will have to undergo a polygraph, because you and we both know there were other affairs in between the ones you know of.

Pending the poly results, you may need DNA tests to determine the paternity of the children.

She will have to arrange for a full set of STD screens for both of you.

You and she will have to inform your children and all family and friends of her illicit actions, while asking their help in helping her beat this failure on her part.

She will have to agree to giving you all passwords and access to e-mail, phone, etc, and eliminate her Facebook account.

She will have to agree to your placing GPS trackers on any vehicle she drives, and will have to be accountable to her whereabouts at a moment's notice.

She will have to forswear having ANY non-relative male friends.

She will have to agree to a Post-Nup, basically defining that her next infidelity will result in her leaving the marriage with NOTHING.

I'll get back to you with the rest of the actions later, butr in the meantime, print and hand to Mrs. RL this list.

You mention commitment to your wife for life.
There is a difference between commitment and being an enabling victim.
Your wife BROKE your marital vows.
It takes two to have a relationship.

You ask if there is a way she could stop cheating.
She IS a serial cheater. She has probably had numerous other affairs that you don't know about.

If she follows the marriage builder program she CAN be a commited wife. She can have all of her emotional needs met by you.

But this would take commitment from both of you.

If she is serious you should schedule a consultation with te marriage Builder marriage coaching program. You click a link on the home page to schedule an appointment.
In the past you used a church pastor for counseling. They are not qualified to deal with affairs and especially not a serial cheater.

Redline, the reason that she keeps having affairs is because you do trust too much. She should not be ever be trusted because she has poor boundaries around men. As long as that is not addressed and changed, her affairs will continue. If you can affair proof your marriage, you do have a chance.

The first step I would take is to expose her affair. Tell her family, your family, your friends, and pastor. Expose to hher workplace. The more people who know, the more people to hold her accountable. Your 7 year old daughter should be told also. She has probably seen some very inappropriate behavior from her mother and is confused. She needs to know that what she has seen is wrong or she will grow up believing that adultery is acceptable since her mother has validated it.

I suspect there are other affairs too, so you might want to consider making it a condition that she pass a polygraph.


Do you tell your wife things like this? Your wife broke that committment when she broke her vows. This kind of thinking is unconditional love, which leads to false expectations of entitlement in marriage. It is very destructive to marriage. Dr Harley addresses it here:

here

Welcome to Marriagebuilders Redline.

Your wife should probably be kept away from the site just now as we can advise you on snooping and she shouldnt know about that. Present all your conditions (the list NG gave you) and expose to everyone including your little girl, but don't give away the source of your tactics just yet.

Redline, do as Mel has suggested. Your wife is not only a serial cheater but a serial liar. Don't believe for one second that they did not have intercourse at your house. What did they do stop right before intercourse? Don't believer her. Expose her affairs to everyone even your children need to know what has happened.

Yes its a very common lie to downgrade the affair by one or a few stages of intimacy. If they claim Emotional Affair its usually a Physical Affair, if they say just kissing, they mean oral, if they say just oral.. you get the idea

Here's a list of common lies. The script does not usually vary from wayward to another.

Never Take the Word of a Wayward

I remember someone called into the Laura Schlessinger show a few years ago.
They said they didnt have sex, but did everything else.
Dr Laura said that when you are touching private areas and placing lips and bottoms in certain places it is sex. And it's ridiculous to say otherwise

Redline, HDW is correct, sex is sex. Even so, your wife is lying about not having intercourse. Wayward wives typically lie about that because they know how upsetting it is to their husbands.

x 2

I hope you come back Redline,

This will help you find out the truth.
Polygraph Testing

Welcome to MB.

1. you aren't crazy.
2. your marriage can be saved



She's a hopeless admiration junkie. She's addicted to the chase and the flirting (i.e. the pursuit of affairs) especially considering how quickly and carefree she disposes of these men once caught. It's not about them at all. Thus ALL men are a danger to your marriage and a danger to your psyche (you shouldn't ever be required to give her the benefit of the doubt again). Not only will she need to "forswear having any non-relative male friends" she will also need to eliminate and and all male acquaintances and/or co-workers. If she works...she must work directly with you, at home or with women exclusively.

Mr. Wondering

Ok � Here is an update�
First and foremost � I am very tired haven�t had much to eat since D-day (7/4) and pretty much stretched�Not sure that I am thinking clearly � So PLEASE help me work through the details�..I can�t thank each and every one of you that has already responded�.I really appreciate you taking the time to wade through my world�.

I have had my wife alone since 7/4�.We have covered every detail of the most recent affair�I think I have asked questions 3 different ways and several times to find consistency, but to also put the puzzle/ time line together.
I have learned that everything lines up with her story�.Obvious �word-smiting� along the way and the conversation about �intercourse� and not having it�.was half true�She in fact did shut it down, but only after they couldn�t get it to work. Everything about the EA seems to line up, and she claims the PA was that one time only�.She also has shared that I have ALL of the details now�.
We have been talking for 3 day straight�.Kids went to Gma/Gpas house so we could be uninterrupted...She has agreed to the following:
- Polygraph � at first she questioned my motive � but has since advised that she will do it

- She has agreed to send a NC letter that I help her write and approve

- She has agreed to never see him again � If that means quitting � she will do it�It really worries her, but she has made the comment that if we can�t find a way (different location etc ) she will quit.

- As a non-negotiable from me � STD tests � She has agreed (not scheduled yet, but agreed)

- Agreed to all passwords and transparency � I have had everything since july 4

- Agreed to a contract stating �if it happens again, I will forfeit xxxx�

She seems genuinely remorseful�..Like me, she seems to have a lot of the same reactions as me�loss of appetite, sleep, . I also see her going into a state of depression � Not so much withdrawal�more some from the levity of what she has caused�When I spell it out for her�.How she has cheated our kids of time, me of time, our short lives, the permanent damage caused, etc�.She literally breaks down and is almost vomiting�Not sure she could fake it,�.
We have went through the entire infidelity section of MB website�article by article and she is all in�she wants to work on things and make our marriage better than it was�.(of course that is what she is telling me) She is also researching therapists, to schedule an appt to start to dissect and change her �Serial cheating� problem. It is also understood that we will find the EN�s that are most important and affair proof our marriage..but it really seems to be more that�(She has not seen this part of the website yet)
In previous posts it was suggested that she has problem, almost like a drug addiction�should I continue to give her the tools to correct her addictions?

Ok the million dollar question � AM I crazy to even be entertaining the idea of giving her another chance? I feel like everything is blurry�.half of me says �WTF � run as fast as you can� and the other half says �Dig in and build it � it could be incredible� I look at pics of my 7 and 3 yr old daughters and think that I owe them at least an effort�.Should I separate and give this some time or slow it down, or should I jump in with both feet? Do you think it could/can actually work out, or am I just blurred right now?

THANK YOU again for your help�.I have no other outlets at this point and you have really helped me ���.What else am I missing?
Thoughts?

RL, please take care of your physical requirements, as difficult as that may be. After my d-night, I got maybe four hours sleep over three days, and two days later suffered a psychotic episode. That kind of complication you do NOT need!

Okay, where do we stand?

Obviously, she will have to quit working with the OM. There is no leeway here.
- She has agreed to never see him again � If that means quitting � she will do it�It really worries her, but she has made the comment that if we can't find a way (different location etc ) she will quit.

She will have to undergo a polygraph, because you and we both know there were other affairs in between the ones you know of.
- Polygraph � at first she questioned my motive � but has since advised that she will do it

Pending the poly results, you may need DNA tests to determine the paternity of the children.
- Pending

She will have to arrange for a full set of STD screens for both of you.
- As a non-negotiable from me � STD tests � She has agreed (not scheduled yet, but agreed)

You and she will have to inform your children and all family and friends of her illicit actions, while asking their help in helping her beat this failure on her part.
- Unaddressed

She will have to agree to giving you all passwords and access to e-mail, phone, etc, and eliminate her Facebook account.
- Agreed to all passwords and transparency � I have had everything since july 4

She will have to agree to your placing GPS trackers on any vehicle she drives, and will have to be accountable to her whereabouts at a moment's notice.
- Unaddressed

She will have to forswear having ANY non-relative male friends.
- Unaddressed

She will have to agree to a Post-Nup, basically defining that her next infidelity will result in her leaving the marriage with NOTHING.
- Agreed to a contract stating "if it happens again, I will forfeit xxxx"

A great start, my friend. Get the poly and STD screens scheduled, and continue to push for agreement on the remaining items. Thank you for the update. You and your WW do have a chance, not a certainty, that you might be able to recover to full reconciliation.

AM I crazy to even be entertaining the idea of giving her another chance? I feel like everything is blurry�.half of me says �WTF � run as fast as you can� and the other half says �Dig in and build it � it could be incredible� I look at pics of my 7 and 3 yr old daughters and think that I owe them at least an effort�.Should I separate and give this some time or slow it down, or should I jump in with both feet? Do you think it could/can actually work out, or am I just blurred right now?

As payment for all this advice, there is one small fee. You must agree to NOT make a life-changing decision for six months.

Ok the million dollar question � AM I crazy to even be entertaining the idea of giving her another chance? I feel like everything is blurry�.half of me says �WTF � run as fast as you can� and the other half says �Dig in and build it � it could be incredible� I look at pics of my 7 and 3 yr old daughters and think that I owe them at least an effort�.Should I separate and give this some time or slow it down, or should I jump in with both feet? Do you think it could/can actually work out, or am I just blurred right now?


I am still an amatuer at this and I coming at you from the other side as I am a FW and serial cheater.

I can answer your million dollar question with a resounding YES But you must follow the plan... It is going to take time.

There is no way I should still be married to my DW (Legtx1). Because of her willingness to give me multiple chances at restoring our marriage we have, what I believe, is an incredible marriage and getting better as we move further away from the destruction I caused.

You must understand the veteran's here know what they are talking about. Do what they say and don't divert one iota. You will go back and forth as she may trickle truth or have FR (False Recovery)

As she comes off her addiction, be aware that nothing is real until she is truely repentant and repulsed by her behavior.

The lessons you will one day be able to teach your daughters will make for incredible marriages which are hard to come by these days.

Hang in there and remember one day at a time!