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Bingo.
No need to respond.
Exposure is working.
Great job!
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Melo12,
Reading between the lines...
I am here to be supportive of OMW decisions ONLY, because I am her friend.
And implicitly will no longer trust OM, and will help keep OMW afloat mentally, while OM falls apart, making OMW more attractive to OM.
I�m sure for the sake of the children, you are willing to sacrifice some pride and fight for your marriage.
She understands what OM did to your children and his own children, good, very good.
POSOM, in his selfishness, wants WW�FOR NOW.
She will help OMW get OM back. OM will go back to not one mad hornet but a whole hive.
God Bless
Gamma
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Thank you Gamma!
Thinking out loud but what about the thought that it drives these two closer together? Meaning that "us against the world" mentality that they can never go back to their spouses since they will never be accepted or that too much damage has been done?
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Melo,
Good sentiments by Gamma...agree.
FWIW -- I think what exposure does is drive people more toward what is right, away from what has been obviously wrong and damaging and unacceptable and evil to so many...kinda like WW will go back to her safe harbor -- YOU!
Keep up the good work.
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This response from OMW's friend just reaffirms the idea that pretending the affair is not happening will make things work out for OMW.
It also could be OM trying to make you doubt yourself.
A far as exposure goes most of the 50 on your list will tell someone else, and not stop there. OM will either get dirty looks or be thinking everyone is looking at him. He knows he is scum and now he knows other people do too.
dan
Last edited by used2bDaniel; 07/16/12 10:25 AM. Reason: missing word...friend and spelling
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It also could be OM trying to make you doubt yourself. Thanks, I am doing that a lot myself right now. Just a bad past few days and having a rough go of it knowing that she seems to be moving on and making plans with schedules, financials, etc. and I'm left alone. She has him to rely and depend on and while I have a wonderful family & friends network, I still feel "left behind". Trying to focus on big picture, that they won't last and I still have my kids but just a rough day today I guess with the overwhelming thoughts of everything.
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Thank you Gamma!
Thinking out loud but what about the thought that it drives these two closer together? Meaning that "us against the world" mentality that they can never go back to their spouses since they will never be accepted or that too much damage has been done? It can drive them closer together for a very short period of time, but the damage that exposure inflicts on the affair pushes them back to the spouse. An exposed affair ruins the fantasy and ruins the prospect of introducing the OP into each others lives. The fact that they will never be accepted pushes them towards the spouse, not the OP.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I received this email from OMW friend - I will just ignore as I can't convince them otherwise; nor do I need to.
I sympathize with your situation. You have a broken heart and are dealing with a huge betrayal. But to contact me is inappropriate. You did not get my address in a forthcoming way, i.e. through the only common contact we have, which is shady. And let�s be honest about what this letter/picture was intended for; public shaming of WW and POSOM. Which as a scorned husband, is your prerogative.
But to honestly think that a) I have any influence over POSOM actions or decisions or b) that sending this out to strangers is conducive to repairing damage with WW, is foolish. I am here to be supportive of OMW decisions ONLY, because I am her friend. Otherwise, these matters of marriage are private between the respective parties. I�m sure for the sake of the children, you are willing to sacrifice some pride and fight for your marriage, but the bottom truth is that WW WANTS POSOM. And POSOM, in his selfishness, wants WW�FOR NOW.
You are spitting into the wind trying to force her to return to being a loving wife to you. But this is your path of decisions. I have been praying for God�s hand in this mess since I found out about it, but that will be the extent of my involvement. I am sending this through OMW, because I do not need a reply, I just wanted to be able to comment since you chose to involve me. Please do not contact me again. In other words, she supports adultery instead of your marriages. She is no friend to the OMW and no friend to marriage. Thank goodness you do not need the approval of crapwits, huh? 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yeah ML, I can't get tied up trying to provide logic to someone who thinks her strong opinion on what I'm doing wouldn't affect what POSOM is doing. Yet, I will be the one who "looks bad" in all of this. I was hesitant to do this back in April when I joined here and it is my biggest regret. People would rather just sit on their hands and say, oh well my spouse doesn't want me anymore, guess I will just D.
I won't apologize for fighting to save my M. People don't say anything because they don't want to create or cause conflict, in a "private matter". How about we try something different since obviously sitting on our hands and saying/doing nothing isn't working.
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I won't apologize for fighting to save my M. People don't say anything because they don't want to create or cause conflict, in a "private matter". How about we try something different since obviously sitting on our hands and saying/doing nothing isn't working. You find out real quick who stands for marriage and who doesn't when it comes to adultery. And many folks just haven't really thought it through. My *OWN* mother was telling me and my aunt over 4th of July that the only Clint Eastwood movie she ever liked was Bridges of Madison County.  I turned to my puzzled aunt, who has never seen it, and said, "it is the story of this married woman who screws some loser in her marital bed while her loving husband and kids are out of town. She and her adultery partner write sleazy love letters back and forth over the years and her poor kids get to read what a wh*re she was when she dies!  She screws the guy in HER HUSBAND'S OWN BED!!" [I emphasized that last part! ] I thought my aunt was going to stroke out! She turned GREEN  and my mother got quiet all of a sudden.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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For a while I thought, it couldn't be THAT bad...then of course I learned.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Melo12,
Yet, I will be the one who "looks bad" in all of this.
My experience has been that spouses who keep their betrayal secret suffer stress and shame from doing so, since they have to lie to others about what really happened and internalize their pain.
It is made all the more acute by allowing the betrayers to come up with cute stories about why they are together and �so happy.� or �it was better for the kids� or �we drifted apart�.
They are just mad you didn't follow the betrayed script and go into a corner defenseless and destroyed. It's not that you look bad but that you kept them from looking good.
God Bless
Gamma
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They are just mad you didn't follow the betrayed script and go into a corner defenseless and destroyed. It's not that you look bad but that you kept them from looking good. Excellent perspective G thank you! I will write my own script for how this goes down, it will not be written for me as I sit and watch. So appreciative for the support, direction, and similar experiences as that has been so helpful for me to relate. Especially on the emotional part; at least I feel in control of something after everything else has been stolen from me.
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Melo12,
Yet, I will be the one who "looks bad" in all of this.
My experience has been that spouses who keep their betrayal secret suffer stress and shame from doing so, since they have to lie to others about what really happened and internalize their pain.
It is made all the more acute by allowing the betrayers to come up with cute stories about why they are together and �so happy.� or �it was better for the kids� or �we drifted apart�.
They are just mad you didn't follow the betrayed script and go into a corner defenseless and destroyed. It's not that you look bad but that you kept them from looking good.
God Bless
Gamma This is very profound. It is absolutely true that those who keep the affair a secret suffer greatly.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melo,
Your wife is upset that you are acting like a man. John Wayne would be proud of you!
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Melo,
Your wife is upset that you are acting like a man. John Wayne would be proud of you! Well, I'm not John Wayne, but I'm certainly proud of your efforts. And don't let the lack of responses from your exposure targets get you down or make you think your efforts were for naught. Think about it for a sec: If your exposure didn't work then why is your wife stomping around like a little child that has just had her favorite toy taken away from her? Another thing. Exposure works in mysterious ways. While you didn't expose to many, a lot more are hearing about it from word of mouth. All you had to do was start the ball rolling, and gravity has taken it from there. Nicely done, oh and Gamma, awesome post!
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Melo,
Tiger stole a little of my thunder...
I can second his post that exposure works in mysterious ways -- here I am a year post-exposure (March), and I catch inklings every now and then of the word-of-mouth effect shining light on the affair had...it still amazes me the, um....momentum, I guess, comes about once you expose, even if you feel it was 'limited'...
Also, FWIW, I wanted you to share a few quotes with you:
*'thank you for saving me'
*'I am sorry for betraying you and jeopardizing our family'
*'I am sorry/disgusted/regret/shamed at my behavior'
*'thank you for finding MB for us'
*'I love our marriage'
*'thank you for your strength, and being and the sane one carrying the family when I was in a fog'
All of these were said to me by my wife AFTER EXPOSURE. Some days after...some weeks after...some months after withdrawal and thr fog lifted, but stated nonetheless.
Please listen to the vets, and know you did good, kid!
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Please listen to the vets, and know you did good, kid! Thank you! Trust me, trust me no second thoughts for me whatsoever. You guys have helped me immensely and I have a good amount of friends and family. They just can't "relate" so this has been my security and place for healing. I don't know how many times that I have gone back to reread comments that continue to give me strength, so for that I am forever grateful. I like the momentum analogy and look forward to posting once I hear more. At least I'm now up to 5 people who have at least made a comment back to me. WW is acting like it is no big deal today (or at least not telling me) after going off on texts two days ago!! It pains me that she takes off with POSOM for the past two nights, but at least I did my part. Regardless of the outcome, I can look proudly in my children's eyes that I did everything possible and took a stand to fight for my M.
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[
I like the momentum analogy and look forward to posting once I hear more. At least I'm now up to 5 people who have at least made a comment back to me. WW is acting like it is no big deal today (or at least not telling me) after going off on texts two days ago!! It pains me that she takes off with POSOM for the past two nights, but at least I did my part. When she gets home, I would ask her right in front of your kids "how was Mrs Smith's husband, your adultery partner? Do you plan on carrying on your affair right in front of me and the kids while you still live here? Do you think that is good role modeling for the kids?" Ask her to respect you and the kids enough to forgo her adultery until she has moved out. I would DEMAND that she end her affair as long as you are married. Everytime she goes out ask her "are you going to see Mrs Smith's husband again? We need to know if you are still committing adultery." I would be loud and proud about it, Melo. If she is doing nothing wrong, she should have NO OBJECTION whatsoever to your loudly pointing out her pursuit of her filthy affair. Would she have grounds to complain if you asked her if she were going shopping? Its real important to cause as much conflict as possible in the affair and to make regularly tell her how upset you are at her behavior. A silent [read complacent] approach gives her the impression you don't care very much.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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ML that is a problem; she discusts me that I can't even look at her. She is disrespecting me right in front of my face. I was creating so much conflict the past week but I need to detach as it stresses me out too much.
I am heading for D and can't keep fighting just to fight as I need to start healing. Does that make sense? I have been so consumed with anger that I now have to let her go as it is eating me alive.
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