Yes I do realize that. He got into my thread somehow and figured it out. He had no other way to contact the OW Though.

Yes he did get it because last letter he called and asked to get all letters sent certified. He had to sign for it.

It would be easy enough to do from a landline or a payphone. Even the dumbest wayward could work around that problem.

Good point. Have any ideas how to fix the mishap?

Was that your email read on the Monday radio show?

It is the last email read on this segment - go to 13:00 minutes: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3969

Dr Harley told you to separate from your husband.

Yes that was my email. He did state if progress wasn't being made to separate. Since writing that email and posting here I think WH is finally starting to understand the severity of the situation. His biggest problem was blaming me for the affair. He truly believed that his affair was due to my lack of meeting his needs.

Since the email he has written a letter to OW BH, posted here, and we have opened a joint account. He still needs to work on making me feel safe in the marriage. He works in the town she lives in every Saturday for a couple of hours. He also drives by the hotel they were at every Saturday, this bothers me as well.

My question is this, how long do I keep spying on him? Does Dr. Harleys' principles advocate spying forever? If so does that break the PORH? WH feels like we should know each others spying tactics, I feel that defeats the purpose? I know we need to be transparent but is prolonged spying a part of that?

homefor5, the policy of RH does not apply to spying techniques. You should NEVER be honest with him about them.

The only reason he would want to know your spying resources is because he has something to hide. His comment should alert you to the fact that you need to do MORE spying. That makes me very suspicious.

And I wonder if things really have changed since he blamed you for his affair over on his thread just last week.

Here is what your husband just wrote 3 days ago:


He still blames you for his affair.

Did you ever have your WH do a poly? Are you considering it?

I think that there is much more to your story than you know about.

For there to be true change and true recovery, you need to get your cards on the table.

I realize you are all right. I read your response while in the car next to WH. I told him I think a poly is necessary. He of course objected using money as an excuse. Through our discussion it came out that he used marijuana well into our marriage. I always suspected this but it still was extremely hard to hear. I'm just so torn up about the fact that I truly have been married to a stranger my entire marriage. I thought we were breaking the generational curse and living different. I can't help sob over the fact that it was all a lie. What I have strived for all these years was a lie. He robbed me of my chance to be different from my family. We attended Church every week, taught the children biblical principles to life, I have strived to be a Godly woman all these years just to live a lie. I feel like such a fool!!

I'm ready for the poly!! I can't go on without it. Our marriage has been one big lie and I'm tired of being the fool.

Home, does he imagine it inspires trust to insist you tell him how you spy on him? Does he understand that only means he is hiding something?

I am glad to hear your are ready for a poly. I have encouraged your WH to take one.

The fact that he is encouraging you to be O&H with your snooping methods, and is refusing to take a poly, are clear signs of deception here.

Your WH is the one who should be writing...I feel like a fool! Not you.

The bomb just dropped!!

He just came clean. You were all right, which hurts immensely. first affair was consensual. What I thought was a one time mistake turned out to be several. I don't even know how to handle this. Could I be made to look like a bigger fool. I married this liar at age 16! I wasted my entire young adulthood on him. Now what. Why would he tell me it was a rape? Why. It was still sex with another person!!! All this work i've put in these past months? For what, to revive a marriage where he doesn't have the capability of being honest!!!!

I am very sorry you are once again devastated by his lies.

He told you it was rape to take the blame off of himself. And its worked.

I am glad to hear you refuse to put your head in the sand anymore. Only through radical honesty will there be any chance at salvaging this.

VERY IMPORTANT: Talk of the poly is likely what pressured him to give you more of the truth. Do NOT let this dissuade you from having him take one. I am sorry to say there is very likely even more.

I don't even know if I care anymore!!! I am devastated and I'm done!!!

I know you're hurt and I'm sorry.

So this was about his earlier affair? The one you exposed?

Are you going to prepare for Plan B?

No this was about his supposed rape where you all told me there was more. I can't expose this, he supposedly doesn't know any info on this girl. I am at a point where I just don't think he is capable of being honest. If I have to continue to threaten him with a polygraph every time I think he is lying what is the point. I don't want a marriage like that.

Have him take a poly and get all the cards on the table.

Would love to I can not go on being a lier.I want to come clean.Gave her the hole story.Going to take the poly if there is anything left.Would do anything for her.Want to make it right.told her I would take the poly and stinking to my work want to show all you there's a trueful guy in here.No more it just make it hard.Homefor5 hear all you said late last night.I feel your feeling when the shoe is on the other foot.I have disrespected you in your life with me.What you say I will do I have no say.I thank you all for your help.Pray to god for me that this is not over.