Are you following The Marriage Builders program?

We are doing lots of things. Playing cards, working in the yard, going out for coffee and dinners, going for drives. Everything that we hadn't done for years. I would say we are spending 6-8 hours a day.

Following the program as best I can. As far as no contact with affairs, total transparancy, passwords, (that he doesn't want) He says he wants to just trust me, much uninterupted time together, not going anywhere or seeing anyone he doesn't know. He has no interest in coming on the site. I have told him about it many times.

That is good. Are you following the Surviving an Affair recovery plan?

Are you meeting the top 4 EN during your UA time?

SF, IC, RC and Affection?

How often are you having SF?

HDW - following it as close as I can.

ummmmmm no SF, That is the one thing I cannot do. I was able to before I confessed but now I panic and cry. It is the one hold up to our recovery

You need to do some deep soul searching what is blocking you? The fact that you can not have SF is a big indicator there is still something stuck in you.

Have you told everything?

How about love busters? You can only deposit so much when it gets depleted often.

I encourage you to call the marriage builders marriage coaching program.
Te number and link is on the main page of the website.
I just re-read your first post and you have had a wandering eye for 30 years?
You need a coach to help you save your marriage and your own life from unraveling

It has been almost a month since I last posted. I was criticized once before here for saying "I" too much but I'm not sure how to post without saying I, there are only 2 of us involved here and I have to say "he or him" also.

My husband has been home now for over 2 months so we have been spending hours and hours together, but nothing has really changed. We are in a holding pattern.
He has asked me for a committment to our marriage and to forever with him and I haven't been able to honestly say that I can do that. I could lie and tell him that but is it not better to be truthful?
I spent years putting up with his anger and criticism and belitting of me and I am having a hard time beleiving that he will treat me any better. I confessed my affairs hoping it would be a new beginning for us but life hasn't changed at all. I still don't want anything to to with him physically. It is his top need......but I have no desire at all. I don't trust him with my heart as he has stepped on it for so long. He will not come to Marriage builders....I have asked him many times.
He said today he is just waiting for me to snap out of it or leave. One thing we have done which I have read is not good is to see a counselor together, She has been helping us in identifying our top emotional needs and love languages etc. I am working on his affirmation and quality time together, but it doesn't really mean much to him when he knows I don't want him intimately.
How do I learn to love him when #1 I don't want to and #2 when he doesn't try to make me want to??

There is a saying, When the Blind lead the blind both will fall into the ditch.

Reading The Five Love Languages will NOT save your marriage.
If you want to have a loving fulfilling marriage then you need to follow the Marriage Builder program of making love bank deposits and avoiding withdrawals.

Start by reading His Needs Her Needs by Dr Harley.
In the interim read all te articles on this website

What are you doing during your time together? It doesn't matter if you are spending "hours and hours" together if you are not meeting each other's emotional needs during that time.


Have you had any contact with your affair partner(s)? It doesn't have to be "active" contact, as in phone calls or emails...it can be "passive" contact such as viewing his FB page, or even holding on to the fantasy in your head.


These are excuses. Yes, you may have had a poor marriage before your adultery, but that can be changed. We also had problems in our M before I committed adultery, but none of those problems gave me permission to go outside my marriage to get my EN's met.

If you are still holding on to the fantasy of the affair, then you won't be motivated to meet his needs. You won't be physically attracted to him.


Depends on the counselor. If the counselor is familiar with MB, and can work with you through the program, then that's one thing. If the counselor is only interested in trying to help you learn to "communicate better," then that isn't going to work. You can communicate your way right to divorce. If your sessions are less about trying to help you fall back in love with each other and more about rehashing whatever problems/complaints there were/are in the M, counseling will not be successful.

Chapman's "Love Languages" are good, but aren't what you need right now. Personally, I think some of the concepts fit with MB, but they don't encompass the broad spectrum that MB does. "Acts of service" alone, for example, aren't going to make someone fall in love with you or vice versa. Acts of service most closely parallel the EN for domestic support, and while it makes me happy when H washes dishes, it's not making big deposits in my LB$. If you're working on things like affirmation and quality time (in MB I'd liken these most to the EN of admiration and the concept of UA), yet your BH's top EN, SF, is going unmet, then you're not making big deposits in his LB$. Without big LB$ deposits, he's not going to get on board with MB or try to meet your top ENs (which are???)



The thing is, right now it is up to you. Confessing your affairs was the right thing to do, but you cannot expect that it would be a "new start". Yes, couples can have better marriages post-adultery, but to liken the infliction of such trauma on your BH to a "new start" is...well, it's offensive. Yes, the problems in your marriage must be dealt with, but first you have to repair the damage you caused with your adultery. When I decided that I wanted to recover my marriage, and my BH was on the fence, I was told to "Plan A" with no expectations. To meet his ENs with no expectations of having my own met. It is the hope that, in time, I would have made enough deposits in my H's LB$ that he would then have responded by meeting my EN's.

You work on cleaning up your side of the street first and foremost. "Snap out of it or leave" is your choice to make. Trust me, you have been given a gift in that your BH is home and wants your committment to your M.

I am trying to follow the program, but not much point when he won't read anything or do anything except pout and tell me I need to be fixed.
Have you read Five Love Languages? It is about learning to fill your spouse's emotional needs.....Isn't that what "filling the love bank" all about?

When my wife got caught cheating (you get brownie points for 'fessing up) she spent the first day telling me a watered down version of her A. The next day, I got a full outline of her LTA. But, every minute since was spent meeting my needs and attending to marriage.

She made no exceptions or excuses for anything I needed. There was no snapping out of anything.

You are the cheater, you must make amends. Get busy amending or get busy leaving. Are you waiting for some miracle that makes having sex with your husband palatable? He's waited a long time to have you intimately, I suspect he can go forever without a sex life. Here's a chance to make your multiple A have some silver lining however backward it may be. Find a way to make it happen in your bedroom.

I dont think my wife had any aversion to sex with me before, but upon dday the SF part of marriage has been the one of the things that has cemented our future. Without it, Id be gone.

Thanks Mike,
Yeah, I guess I have been waiting for a miracle......:s

I think I have also been under the impression that if he wants me back "he" should be the one working at it. (Major selfishness talking here)
Sex has been difficult for me, right from the beginning so that has never cemented us. (no trust) The only thing that has kept us bonded at all is our children. They deserves better, my husband deserves better. Today I will work on hugging him.....without pulling away.

Sadsam

Sorry, I missed this post......
We have been working on our house....we have been here years and it is not finished (One of my complaints, tired of 2x4s and drywall) we have been watching tv together(his happy place)
We tried playing cards, we have been out to dinner....things like that.
Sitting and drinking coffee LOTS!!! That leads to discussion that is not always good though......
Not excusing here but just for information. I get quoted lots of bible verses about how a good wife should act, and whether or not I heard the sermon and how it applies to me. I know what I did is wrong!!!! I know I should be submissive and loving and fulfill all his needs (including sex) but preaching at me just makes me roll my eyes and tune out.
I do have memories in my head of my EA partner,(he got me away from the abusive PA) but not my PA partners I can't think of them at all.... makes me sick.
I realize that the memories are a hindrance but my husband is aware and calls me on it often.
The counselor is good, she is encouraging us to not concentrate on the past but to work on meeting each others needs now, and fall in love again. Has also given us ideas of things to do together to increase our bond. Alot of things she says seem to line up with Marriage Builders.

I am tired and so is he.....we both just want this to be over. When I hear of it taking 2 or more years, it is very discouraging. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." Prov, 13:12

Hi, Sadsam .. I have read your thread. I am glad you took a big leap of faith and admitted to your hubby your transgressions. I see your still having a hard time with SF for your hubby and bringing back your feelings for him. Have you two done the EN questionaire? ( hre is the link to the questionnaires http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4500_resource.html) Does your hubby meet your top EN's? I know you have difficulty meeting SF for him .. do you meet his other top EN's?

Have you read the following articles?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8120_sex.html - How can a hubby recieve the sex he needs in marriage?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8118_real.html - Romantic love is it a realistic goal for marital therapy?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8121_trust.html - how can trust be restored after an affair?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5047_qa.html - How to overcome a sexual aversion.

Have a read at the abvoe articles and see if any of it resonates with you. Especially the last one about the aversion.

Keep at it ...

MNG

STOP. Don't say that your counselor is doing a marriage builder recovery if you don't know.
You either follow the program or you don't.
The first step is in exposing all of your affairs.

The second step is in establishing Extraordinary Precautions and eliminating any possibilities for future affairs.

You need to follow the MB plan or your counselors plan. Your counselor has not saved thousands of marriages so choose wisely

My wife is not submissive in this marriage. She wasnt before dday and I wont have her act submissive now. Its a willingness to give me happiness and let me tell you nothing makes a guy happier, feel more like a man when his girl is willing. Not degrading, not demoralizing, but willing to make changes THAT I WANTED. And what is important is that its done freely.

That is the big difference.

I told her when I gave her the list of stuff I needed to happen in bed and RC and other things that I lost many years when this should have been part of our lives and possibly had it been, the circumstances of her lowered boundaries may never have occurred. I said Im not going to waste my time, either she wants to make me happy or not. I gave her the choice. I promised to make her happy too.

You need to make that choice because you are facing the dreaded indifference that others can speak to.

Good one mike.

I hate the term Submissive ... its used in the wrong context when quoted from the bible like Sadsam did. My wife felt the same way about that quote when we started getting things back on track .. She would say exactly the same thing. " I know im supposed to submit to you and your needs becasue the bible says so" ... etc ... but really .. thats the wrong way to look at it and in the totally wrong context.

I dont want a subserviant wife .. i want an equal partner thats willing to make me happy just as much as I am willing to make her happy. NO pressures ... just a swing of a pendulum that swings in her favor then mine .. in equal portions.

MNG