Let me recap what I am hearing:
1. Has my ww affair proofed her life?
Yes, this is important for recovery; it is to prevent another affair. Both spouses should practice EPs (Extraordinary Precautions) for life.
2. Make sure the present is happy
Yes, important, because the past, which sucks, can't be changed. All you can do is to make the present as good as you can. Each day will eventually look a little better.
Yes, very important. During recovery, the minimum should be about 20 - 25 hours.
4. False recovery first x months makes the process harder
False recoveries are harmful and often do more damage to the BS and the marriage that the original D-Day. Some BSs never can get past a false recovery.
5. Stop blaming, stop talking about the A and start working recovery
Yes, you have to stop talking about the affair, because it brings the past into the present. The past cannot ever be changed. Not talking about it is HARD, but minute by minute, then hour by hour, then day by day, it can be done.
6. Determine and fix triggers
Yes, find out what your triggers are, then work on a way to manage each trigger.
7. Have I received just compensation?
Very important, but keep in mind, JC is a work in progress. Remember the time frame of recovery is 2 - 5 years.
8. Has my ww chosen me? Is she remorseful, transparent?
Many WW are NOT remorseful for their affairs. Just leave that alone for now. What matters now are actions. Transparency is part of the EPs.
9. Resentment caused by plan not followed or secondary gain
Yes, it takes time and a solid recovery plan to overcome the resentment.
Secondary gain: Some people use the resentment as a way to continue to punish their spouse or to get something they want from the spouse.
10. Is ww forthright? If not, recovery blocked. Has she taken responsibility for her actions?
The Policy of Radical Honesty is one of the foundations of a good marriage. Is this what you mean by being forthright? She needs to be honest and open with you, and you with her.
Again, many WWs blame their affair on their H neglect.
11. Is ww O&H? Is ww crushed, apologetic and desperate for my acceptance?
Being open and honest is part of the rebuilding of the marriage. It's what each of us should be all along and all the time.
Your WW being crushed, apologetic and desperate for your acceptance is not important at this time. It's very unlikely to happen. Focus on actions: yours and hers.
Listen to clips on triggers
Sure it's helpful to get more education on how to handle this traumatic time, but it sounds like you're getting expert help from Steve Harley. We listen to MB radio frequently. Always helpful.
move locations after A.Consider moving to a new area to start fresh and remove the triggers.
Moving is a very good idea. You both need to be far away from any chance of running into the AP. You don't have to sell your house; you could rent it out. You could go find some other place to live far away and have an adventure together.
Although my H's adultery took place during deployment and therefore very far away, we still HAD to move due to his transfer. The new place is where D-Day occurred. It was horrible and traumatic. However, the new place was a place of such incredible beauty and peace and it was a small community where we made good friends and had lots of UA time. Moving was hard, but it turned out to be a very good thing. We are renting out our home very successfully and it's paying the mortgage while we are living somewhere else for a while. It's do-able.