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Don't feel too bad about your mistake - we all make them. I doubt there is a FBS among us who has been perfect on this matter. It seems to be one of the most difficult aspects of MB for the recovering BS. On one hand, it makes us feel better to "remind" our spouses of the hurt they caused and how lucky they are we took them back after such pain. It makes us feel "sure" they aren't forgetting about how they betrayed us and how we still hurt. BUT...at what cost? The "feeling better" about reminding them is fleeting - momentary at best. It does more damage than good to the state of our marriage when we succumb to the urge of bringing the past into the present.
It is far more healing to tell your spouse what you need from them and have them meet that need. It is through this action that they are demonstrating the necessary remorse. Don't we say "actions speak louder than words?" What, then, is better for your marriage: having your spouse actively meet your needs in moments of insecurity and sorrow - or seeing the downtrodden look on his/her face or tears in his/her eyes - feeling hopeless because they can't change the past?
I don't know. I think sometimes we (as FBSs) feel a bit better when we see our spouse feel bad. Part of us wants them to hurt becatuse they hurt us. Them hurting isn't going to restore our marriages, however. Them changing along with us - creating better behaviors IS.
It's all about seeing the big picture rather than going for the immediate gratification of wanting to hit back.  What a wonderful explanation! [/quote] Why....Thank you, Prisca!!!!  As you can tell, I had to work all that out myself during the past 20 months! 
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Ditto to Prisca"s comment! SunnyDin you are so good at expressing your thoughts and incites into words that really help others. Thank you for sharing your gift.
Me 59 newly married after being a widow
Married 1 year
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I forgot what a rear view mirror is used for. I took my eyes off where I was going and stared for to long at where I had been. Not a smart move since we were moving forwards and gaining speed!
I like the idea of doing some thing new on the dates! Anyone have any ideas?
Me 59 newly married after being a widow
Married 1 year
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Ditto to Prisca"s comment! SunnyDin you are so good at expressing your thoughts and incites into words that really help others. Thank you for sharing your gift. I appreciate the vote of confidence! As for looking back - you have a great attitude about recovery; you and your wife should do just fine! Triggers are normal as are down times and angry times... as long as you keep working the program you will end up better than ever! As for date ideas, try this site: http://www.niftydateideas.com/They've got some fun stuff. Trying something new together is always fun! When my H and I were new into recovery we got 2 white German Shepard puppies. For months on Saturdays we would take them to their training classes and of course, we worked with them throughout the week together too and took them on walks and to the dog park. It might not be your traditional UA time, but we had so much fun! Now, we have 2 100 lb furry kids that are well-trained and are a constant reminder of our love and commitment. Recently we've talked about taking other kinds of classes: photography maybe, or cooking (although I'm already a good cook, H is not). H took me to the shooting range several times and I found I was an awesome shot! For us, dating has sometimes been the traditional dinner and a movie but we've worked hard at finding new recreational activities to enjoy together. Sometimes we find that going out with other couples is great too. There's something about witnessing other people appreciate your spouse that makes YOU appreciate your spouse even more!
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I love the quite warrior reference! That is a great description of how it feels to be the only one wanting to save a marriage. When I talk to people about MB I too always tell them that it is a place of hope. The sense that you are not alone is why I keep coming back. Well, My FWW just pulled in and she I are going to hang "her" deer stand together today! How cool is that!
Me 59 newly married after being a widow
Married 1 year
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I love the quite warrior reference! That is a great description of how it feels to be the only one wanting to save a marriage. When I talk to people about MB I too always tell them that it is a place of hope. The sense that you are not alone is why I keep coming back. Well, My FWW just pulled in and she I are going to hang "her" deer stand together today! How cool is that! VERY cool 
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Have spent the last few days reading the threads of others and have gotten so much information and understanding about how and what I am feeling. My heart goes out to those who are not far along in R if at all. To the ones who are almost there, you are a beacon of hope to the rest of us.
I could not understand why I felt so irritated at the the FWW's lack of urgency towards our recover as time moved on. Thanks to MB and reading the spot on post I now see it.
FWW has never felt the bone crushing devastation that is D-day! WS is just glad to still be here. I have worked, read, agonized over every thing I can in order to never experience that level of pain again. What I am learning from reading the threads of others is how I must tell FWW what I need but with out LBW's. O&H, RH and killing the protection liar in me!
Me 59 newly married after being a widow
Married 1 year
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FWW has never felt the bone crushing devastation that is D-day! WS is just glad to still be here. I have worked, read, agonized over every thing I can in order to never experience that level of pain again. What I am learning from reading the threads of others is how I must tell FWW what I need but with out LBW's. O&H, RH and killing the protection liar in me! I always keep in mind, WLE, that while my FWH never felt the crushing devastation of betrayal, he had his own crushing things to deal with: of being the one who did the betraying; shame, unworthiness, embarrassment, failure, etc... And yes, waywards bring that on themselves while the faithful do not, it's true. However, if you go through a lot of these threads you will find that most would rather be in the FBS shoes rather than those of the FWS. I know, for instance, that if we are watching tv and adultery comes up, it is much harder on my H these days than it is on me. You hit on a key point here and one that is touted often: your marriage MUST become exceptional - better than it ever has been - to truly recover. MB gives you great tools for that and it's a never-ending process. You never "arrive" because you constantly learn and grow when you are both vested. It's a beautiful thing!
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SunnDin thank you again, you are right and I have seen that shame and worthlessness almost crush FWW earlier in R and that is partly wh I am so slow to tell her what I need from her now.
Me 59 newly married after being a widow
Married 1 year
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SunnDin thank you again, you are right and I have seen that shame and worthlessness almost crush FWW earlier in R and that is partly wh I am so slow to tell her what I need from her now. Your telling your wife what you need is a definite must - as long as you do it in a way that does not bring up the past. For my H, it was a relief for him to know how he could help; to have something active to do to make me feel secure made him feel less helpless in our situation. If you are hesitant, perhaps you need to work on your delivery. "W, I would really appreciate it if you would text me during the day a time or two. Knowing you are thinking about me really helps me stay focused on the fact that we are more connected than ever..." Rather than... "W, I feel so hurt when I think about all the times you texted OM. I wish you would text me like that...." Just an example of course. I don't know that this is an issue. If she doesn't respond like you would like to your request, then it's time for... "Wife, I feel hurt that you ignored me request for contact during the day. It makes me feel you are not willing to do what it takes to make me feel secure in your commitment to us...." Always keep things in the present. Communicate from the positive position and make it about your feelings so you are not committing DJs or SDs and you will do fine!
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Been jumping up and down in my mind since last night when FWW actually started reading SAA! I am so grateful for stumbling on to MB when my nightmare began. I picked my username wle2 ( will love end #2)because I have never wanted it to end even though it almost has twice in our almost 30 M.
Was told in 4/2009 by W that she did not want to be M and has been talking to a lawyer. Blindsided and numb I never saw it coming. But thanks to MB I have learned that I wasn't even looking. 48 hour separation at mother's house. MIL, DD1, DD2 and everyone else we know talked her into "trying to work it out" Went to one MC meeting and nothing else. Over the next year I tried everything I could to connect with W to no avail. By the time I found MB and got an understanding of EN and the LB it was too late. WW's PA started 6/2010.I could not get her to connect with me because she was already connected to OM. One year and two months later still clueless about A but having that gut feeling that something was not right cried out to God why won't W connect with me?! I found the text the next day! Thought this would surely be it this time, hence the wle2!
Now on the cusp of the one year "anti-versary" (LOVE this name SunnyDin) Hope and excitement are flooding my thoughts.
wle??? not yet!
Me 59 newly married after being a widow
Married 1 year
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Your story sounds very familiar, WLE. (Great to know what it stands for!) I picked SunnyD because I was determined to keep a "sunny" attitude, no matter what. I liked SunnyD but it was taken - so I added the "in Texas" part. When you start reading various stories of others on the forum, you realize how much of a pattern infidelity really is and similar words and actions are in every account. I often find when I pray for something I am lead to exactly what I need - funny how that happens. I prayed often in the week before D-day that I would be shown what I needed to know. Of course, I also did the legwork to be proactive too. It really is good to hear that you are feeling hope with the anti-versary coming up! (Wish I could take credit for that - but it's something that someone once used on my thread!) Often times BSs are filled with sadness or even anger with this date. If it occurs, it's natural. The best way to handle it is to plan something great for you and your W to do that day. Glad to hear your W is reading SAA! Has she read the other materials? Have you gone through the questionnaires? Hopefully you aren't the only one doing the program here... I think you said you both were. It's important that you're in this together. When my husband read the books it made so much sense to him - he saw exactly how it came to be that he ended up doing what he did - and how our marriage needed to change. He has even shared it with others.
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Glad to hear your W is reading SAA! My wife reading SAA was definitely a turning point in our marriage. She went from an unwilling participant, believing MarriageBuilders to be about how to "not hurt one another", to really understanding the dynamics and how to avoid situations like the one she got herself into.
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MC gave us a copy of HNHN at first meeting day one. FWW read it and has visited MB some. Has not posted anything. We did the questionnaire and I have been showing Affection/having IC/ Being O&H/ doing more RC and telling of my admiration for her every waking moment for 8 months now! Funny thing is this is what we were doing 33 years ago when we fell in love. Imagine that! Giving copies of HNHN as wedding gifts now. SunnyDin wish I could have gotten one then. Doormat no More - turning points are what I watch and listen for every day and hope yours continues to be that healing balm for you both.
Me 59 newly married after being a widow
Married 1 year
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Know what you mean, wle. My H and I both wish we'd have had MB 20 years ago! I told all 3 of our children that they WILL be going through "MB counseling" from us before they get married. In fact, I have already gone over a lot with DD20. Of course, HNHN is GREAT! Nice that your MC was on top of that. Lovebusters is very important too - and a necessary component to the equation. I figured I would start DD20 off on Fall in Love Stay in Love since it is the holistic overview.
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Is it just me or has anyone else noticed that the harder you try NOT think about an event, like the one year mark of D-day this week for me, that every where you look the date is flashing like a neon sign! D-day for me is 8/10. The state of Georgia has to be in on it because this year's sales Tax holiday for back to school supplies starts 8/10 !!! That is all I have heard for days...August tenth...August tenth , don't forget...August tenth !!Radio, TV. I thought I had a handle on this anxiety until this week. I plan on taking my FWW out and creating a new memory on that date! If I can make it to then!
Me 59 newly married after being a widow
Married 1 year
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Yes and that is normal.what to do about it? Reclaim that day as your special day. Plan something special, buy a gift and have up it engraved with something like, August 10, the date we reclaim our marriage and wipe the slate clean. May ever August 10th find us stronger and more in love than the previous year. Or something really special and meaningful to you. Take it back as a day do renewal and recommitment.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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The one good thing you could take from this constant reminder is that it's possible that this "flooding" as it's called, can help you get over the date as a trigger.
If you haven't heard of it, flooding is when you subject yourself to the trigger over and over until it doesn't affect you any longer. Dr. H offers it as one possible way to deal with things, especially if it's something unavoidable. For instance, if a particular restaurant bothers you, you and your wife would go there very regularly for a period of time, until you've reclaimed that restaurant for yourself.
Although, it should be noted that avoiding trigger places is still the best way of dealing with them.
Last edited by SunnyDinTX; 08/07/12 10:57 AM.
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princessmeggy, thank you for the great idea. I'm going to run with that one. It is the 1st day we started towards our goal of a great marriage. Even though we did not know it at the time we both see it that way now.
Me 59 newly married after being a widow
Married 1 year
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Flooding? Have not heard of that but understand the concept! I don't think I have been flooded enough yet by my reaction to this date, maybe just damp! I have learned from MB that if I don't try and control what I let my mind dwell on it tends to want to go down that dark and painful road. Misery not only loves company it seeks it out. You guys are so right , I have a big day planned for the 10th to replace the bad memory's with new good ones. The motel where FWW's PA occurred is one area I unknowingly did flood because I can now drive by there and not run off the interstate starring at it! Baby steps right.
Me 59 newly married after being a widow
Married 1 year
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