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I have to admit I was surprised to see his needs as well - it certainly did not reflect a typical order for men. I have never heard of a man who did not have SF in the top 5, good spotting, this man seems to already be in withdrawal. Not only that, but 4 out of the top 5 needs are "non-intimate". How long have you been married (OP - not alis!) I can see that this is not a brand-new marriage, but it sounds under 5 years, and in this time you haven't had kids to dilute the romance. (Not always true, but often they do.) How, then, do things like DS and FS and even FC come above having fun with you - RC - and SEX???? In a young man with, I take it, good health?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Joined: Aug 2012
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We've been married almost 3 years, together for 6. Don't get me wrong, he says at least 3x a week, or everyday. He's 27. I think it will get back into the top 5 after we address the other issues.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Did you live together before you got married?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Aug 2012
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No we didn't.
I'm going to ask H about RC tonight. As far as I know, he likes to go to the movies and watch tv which I don't like much because he doesn't pay attention to me. I like to go to the park which he kind of likes.
Church is also super important to him (his dad's the pastor) and we spend a lot of our extra time involved in that. We're in the band together too. I think this should be RC but it feels completely separate because he usually talks with the guys, and I'm left to talk with the girls (which is a cultural thing). We've talked about him including me in his conversations but it's really hard. In the time we've been together the only progress we've made is he'll put his arm around me during the sermon.
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Joined: Jan 2010
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Hi everyone, I have an update. We did our official EN Questionnaires last night and he changed a few things since our discussion: His needs: 1. Honesty and openness, 2. financial support, 3. affection, 4. domestic support, and 5. family commitment. I have a feeling these are going to change but its a starting point. I think in a couple weeks we'll both look at the them again and see if we want to revise anything.
So he said he's completely satisfied with the financial support I'm giving him, he just wants us to do more sales.
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Anyway, I guess I'm going to put it on a shelf for now since he's satisfied, but I'm glad we talked about it because I learned a lot. Okay, this is good. I would regard the financial support issue as a solved problem if he says he's happy, and I think you are right to put it on the shelf. What Dr. Harley would focus on in your marriage is the time to meet the intimate emotional needs. As everyone has said, those needs he picked indicate he is in withdrawal, but that is not a problem as long as you are both willing to try following the plan: 15 hours of time alone giving each other your undivided attention meeting the needs of intimate conversation, recreational companionship, affection, and sexual fulfillment. Dr. Harley says he does this in every marriage, regardless of how they rank their needs. This is the glue that causes you to bond and fall in love. People who do this, regardless of their mental state, fall in love. Even people who do it accidentally; even people who don't believe in falling in love or believe it's possible to recover love, if they simply do this and meet the right conditions, they will fall in love. Dr. Harley likens the other needs to "insurance." They are important, and it's important to meet your spouse's unique needs, but the intimate needs are indispensable.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Aug 2012
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I should clarify the church thing is really cultural. No one "acts" like their married, and we endure long, disapproving looks from his mother when he puts his arm around me. He has done better involving me in conversations outside of church though.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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No we didn't.
I'm going to ask H about RC tonight. As far as I know, he likes to go to the movies and watch tv which I don't like much because he doesn't pay attention to me. I like to go to the park which he kind of likes.
Church is also super important to him (his dad's the pastor) and we spend a lot of our extra time involved in that. We're in the band together too. I think this should be RC but it feels completely separate because he usually talks with the guys, and I'm left to talk with the girls (which is a cultural thing). We've talked about him including me in his conversations but it's really hard. In the time we've been together the only progress we've made is he'll put his arm around me during the sermon. pmamabear, please read the article about what constitutes undivided attention. It is not time that is spent watching a TV or with other people present. It is the time you spend ALONE together meeting each others needs. He is not meeting any of your needs if you are at church with a lot of people.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Mar 2012
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sugarcane,
I found your response to my March thread and brought it back up with my response. Thank you.
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