Who thinks you should get back together? You mention this in your last post.

Ruikee, I just wanted to tell you that no matter what, you are enough. You are good enough. YOU matter. Your son is young, and he will be just fine. You have to stand up straight now. Making yourself sick over not being able to talk to your son for one day is counter productive to what you need to be doing, creates the negative hormones, and is not helping anything at all. I want to urge you to TRY to break that misery when it is happening. Please don't think I am being callus, I am not. You have to deal with the reality as it is, she has him, you don't, so you need to get some new life going for yourself. The absolute best way is to REALLY get involved in your church's mission outreach apostolates. Serve at the local soup kitchen, help at the local charity stocking donated clothing or handing out bags of food on their give away days. Visit elderly at a care facility - don't have anyone to visit them. Volunteer at a abuse center for children, Become a big brother for someone who doesn't have a father. GIVE OF YOURSELF. That is what will help you become more whole. That is a grace bestowed upon us for loving and serving others. Jesus' grace heals!!! I am gonna say it straight, ok? Quit focusing on your pain and help someone else in theirs!!!! You can do this!!! I know you love your son. I couldn't imagine being away from any of my 3 boys. But, I know that I am going to have to when the time comes. It is just how it is!!! So, fill your time with helping others, and it will fill your heart! You will be a better man and father for it. You will then be able to live the example for your son and share that giving forward. Breathe deep. You are now embarking on a whole NEW facet of your life. Make it count!!!! Do it right!!! You can do this!!!!

She has not been involved with anyone. She says she needs to focus on being a good mother now.
I am hoping she eventually moves out of her parents home and the mother will be more out of the picture.
I agree, i am worn out. I was fine and had alot of hope. Right before Christmas, while her parents were out of town, she called me and said she wanted to reconcile. She wanted to be obedient to God, and the boys needed a father.
I really thought it was going to happen. Then the inlaws came back and she once again became distant, and a month later filed.

Then my hopes were up again when she didnt show up for court.
Someone told me it was like having cancer, telling me it was gone, then getting it back again.....

I see him every Wednesday, Sunday, and every other weekend, plus Holidays and 4 weeks in the summer.

I approached her and said i would like to work towards 50/50 during the week. I would much rather spend the time with him now rather than the long periods in the summer. I dont think he should be away from his mother that long.

She said it was too much back and forth, but thats contradictory when her parents are gone. I keep him overnight because she cant get him to the sitter in the morning. She counts on her father for that.
Then likes to get him for a few hours in the evening then he comes back to me to spend the night.

People from church, my pastor, her pastor, brother and sister in law, sons baby sitter.

I would still like help with finding an IM, and do i write a letter as suggested.

I make all the appts for him etc. She does not attend. I take him to all the bdays he is invited to.

His caregive has had concerns about our son showing signs of autism. Wife is a special ed teacher and i believe she is in denial. She agrees that he is developmentally delayed but attributes it to having to go back and forth between us.

So i made the appt to see a specialist. That is tomorrow morning, now she wants to take the day off to go with us to that appt.

with plan B how do you handle these scenarios....

I brought up an IM once and she said she didnt see it as necessary. So i have to see her when we exchange our son. Occasionally she asks what i am doing and with whom....

i say to myself, if its over, it is over, why do you care what i am doing?

You have three options:
Plan B no contact - the IM passes all of the necessary info to your wife. If your divorce decree allows her access to medical appts than she would have a right to accompany you.
Drop offs are at a neutral location. I he's in school it shouldn't be a problem. Pick up and drop off at school. Or at IM house.

Limited contact - you limit all communication to email only. You do not Talk on the phone, Facebook etc. I am in this plan and can offer further guidance if needed. I have developed template letters which are used to notify the wife of medical appts , events etc.
No physical contact (other than medical appts as required by the court)

Your current plan. You already know the details of that.

Limited contact would be your best option with a special needs child. Other experienced plan b divorcees can correct me if I'm wrong.

Also if you absolutely need no contact you could modify the divorce decree. It would cost you money and you would need a letter from a psychologist stating that it is recommended.

Oh and as for her opinion.
It doesn't matter. There is no law requiring you to talk to her.
Yes, I know this to be a fact.
My limited contact letter was sent to my wife 10 minutes after divorce and my atty read it beforehand

There is a possibility that you could win her back using plan a but it is along too much of a toll on your emotional and mental health.

And your health must come before any plan of reconciliation

Thanks Markos,
Good to hear from you again. Any advice on an IM? As I said I suggested a while back and she didn't think it was necessary. I feel like it would be best for both of us. She is depressed as well and the me are not working. Not too long ago she said she wanted to work towards doing things together with our son. It sounds good and enticing but it probably wouldn't be healthy at this point for me. Unless I make some progress which I have been really trying hard at.....

Ruikee, IMO you need to read up on Plan B.

Plan B is not done in consultation with your XW. It is done according to your own health and needs.

I know men are supposed to Plan A for up to 6 months... how long has it been for you? I am concerned about the toll it is taking on you.

I think from memory you are already D? Your siggy is a bit confusing...

Please take care of yourself.

Thanks Caracal,
I have read plan b for so many times. My sitch does not involve infidelity on either part. I have asked a few people about being an IM and they didn't want to be involved. That is one dilemma I guess.
The other is with my son. I have received input on that. He is 3 and I have been calling him after bath before bed each night. Some have told me to relegate to waiting until I have him to talk to him. My purpose was two fold, I wanted him to know even though he can't see me, I am always there for him. And as I teach him about Jesus, it will also help him to know that even though he can't see Him, He is always there for him.

The divorce was final at the end of April. Many things happened before that. I was in plan A since Nov 2010. She wanted to reconcile right before Xmas, while her folks were out of town. She wanted to be obedient to God, tired of living with controlling mom, boys need a father, tired of living with regrets.
Parents return, became distant, filed for divorce , didn't show up for first court date.

I had a lot of hope and really thought her heart had changed. Dr Harley agreed her parents (Mother) have been influencing her decisions. Nothing I can do about that. No love busters for a long time.
I want to be a good father, and have our son way more than I am suppose to. I just feels like the wounds are reopened each time I have him.
It now makes me understand why so many dads walk away finding it easier to deal to not deal with that type of pain.
Of course it doesn't make it right by any means, and it really does make it easier. I went on a mission trip not long ago.
When I went, I shut off all phones and focused on the mission trip. Of course there was a lot of things to keep me busy.

Thoughts?

Is your XW still at her parents? Do you ever talk to her?

I'm so sorry for your pain about your DS3. I would continue to talk to him every night. He will know you took the time for him.

Ruikee, I've been thinking about your sitch today. I'm not a vet, and others are welcome to disagree, but I have to put my two cents in as I really feel for you.

I don't think you really understand the plans. Plan B is not just for surviving an affair... Dr H recommends it for marital and personal recovery, regardless of the reasons for the demise of a marriage.

I know you want to fulfil your role as your DS's father, and full credit to you for this. However, reading through this thread, you reference several times how it would be much easier to walk away. I am concerned you are getting to the end of your rope.

Your XW has decided to divorce, and right here and now, there is no marriage to reconcile. Nor does your XW show commitment to wanting to reconcile. Her blowing hot and cold, and pulling your strings, is delaying your healing. Reading through your posts, much of the focus is on XW and what she says, does, wants.

Plan B would change this. Life would become about you and your son, not about how you can win XW back or what effect your next action will have on her.

I am concerned if you stay in the plan you are in, you are just wearing yourself down. Yes, one day XW MIGHT want to reconcile... but she is just as likely to want that if you were in Plan B. She has had Plan A for a long while and at this point has not committed to you.

IMO, from the tone of your posts, Plan B is warranted so you can work on your recovery. For your sake, and your son's.

And please revisit your doctor about your AD's... this might also help level the coaster.

You need to go to court and get your custody order changed.
She should be paying you child support.
Get an attorney.
And just get away from her and her parents. Or wait until they are dead from old age

Ruikee,

Depression from divorce sucks... it is horrible! Here are some things that help.

1. Eat healthy. If you don't have an appetite, force yourself. Make a smoothy and force it down. (I lost 35 lbs that I did not need to loose). I found once I started eating again, my body had the strength to fight the depression and anxiety.

2. Exercise. Lift weights, ride a bike, run on a treadmill. Go to a gym where there are people around. Workout until you are too exhausted to feel the depression.

3. Read self-help books. There are lots of them. My favorite was "No More Mr. Nice Guy". A great book for men. But read lots of books.

4. Start doing things by yourself. Go to a movie, dinner, walk in the park. (It is hard at first but I do it ALL the time now).

5. Join a divorce support group. (www.divorcecare.org is a great one!)

6. Don't drink... period.

7. Don't date (for quite a while).

8. Spend lots of time with your son. Hug him, tell him you love him, play games with him. As long as he knows that his dad loves him, he will be fine.

9. Get lots of sunshine. Get a sun lamp if you work indoors.

I could go on and on but these things (along with much more) helped me.

Ruikee how are you?

HDW,
I have my days, i took a trip to 29 palms for a week and it was a mistake. I stayed with a friend(at least i thought) that still has alot of anger and bitterness because of their situation. I tried to get out and site see. It just wasnt a good choice on my part as it brought me down. Alot of negativity.
I had my son this weekend. We went to disney on ice. He enjoyed it. Sunday we went to the park. But that nite, i started crying uncontrollably. Not sure why.

He heard me and said, Daddy come sleep by me. Its ok, Mommy is sad and cries too. And he put his little arm around me the entire night.

I had a sleep study last night and tried calling him as he asked me to but she did not answer.

HDW, i havent read your sitch, but sometimes your posts seem a little rough and please do not take offense, but it seems like you may have some anger as well from some of the suggestions you have had.

I do appreciate your input and support, but i do not like being confrontational, as i always have hope. And at the same time i will not be a doormat.

Thank you for checking on me, i really need to find some kind and loving friends.

Blessings...

Have you decided what plan you want to be in?

HDW,
I was in plan A for a very long time, and it seem liked it was working until her parents returned after her asking to reconcile.
I know i need to be in plan B, for my well being. Dr Harley recommended a modified plan B? when i was on the show. As of now, i have to see her for exchange of our son. Like i said i asked her about having the IM, and she said she didnt think it was necessary, of course from her perspective.

When i have him occasionally she texts or calls to see how he is doing. Sometimes this sets off my anxiety, thinking if we were together, you wouldnt have to ask. Just being honest.

I noticed you have custody of all 3 of your children. Im sure if i had my son, i would be in a different state of mind.

I have asked a few people to be IM's but they do not want to get involved. So what would be the solution to this part of plan B?

I also want to keep building the relationship with my son and he asks me to call each night. We agreed on a time(his mother and I) but most of the time she doesnt answer. I know he will not forget me, but it obvious that that type of relationship with him is not important to her. I can continue to try, so i can always say that i did.

I have planned to withhold from answering her calls when her parents are out of town. When she usually wants to talk and be vulnerable.