Sean, do you believe that appeasing your wife will save your marriage? I assure you it will achieve the exact opposite. When you cooperate and capitulate to someone whose goal is the destruction of your marriage and your children's family, you end up with a ........destroyed marriage.

There was no need whatsoever to surrender your marriage and your children and your home to the OM. You surrendered without a shot, Sir.

Oh. And for legal reasons you need to explain why you moved out.
"I followed the advice of our marriage counselor. However I decided to move back home after reviewing the recommendations on the marriage builder website by dr Bill Harley. "

You listened to a wife that is in the fog tell you she needs space. Your wife told the MC she can't live with you. You think plan A from your sister's house is not working very well. You keep hoping your wife will leave/forget about the other man and fall back in love with you?

You can move BACK HOME and have a better chance of working things out or at least not be aiding in your demise.

When you said you have money problems what is next? Will the OM move in with her and the kids to help with expences? What then? Fix the mistake by moving back. Honey I'm home :)dan

I don't recommend that. I was told by my insurance agent and my attorney and the DMV that I had to continue to pay insurance on any vehicles that had my name on it, even though my WH & his harlot were driving it. If one of them had a drink and an accident, you could personally be sued so that you'd never own anything again!

Maybe it would be safer to take the car and go trade it in for cash.. End of problem!

It certainly would be if you can get ahold of it! In my case, he lived 3 1/2 hours away in Portland, OR and I had no idea where he had our vehicles!

Well, KCS, in your case pulling the tags was the impossibility that caused your problem. For people in proximity, a screwdriver, four screws and five minutes and the problem is solved.

Yep, even I can operate a screw driver!

The OM is not going to move in any time soon.

My wife has issues beside whatever fog she might be in and one of those is insecurity. She knows if he moves in...it will raise eyebrows because this guy worked on several homes and quite a few people know him. It would be embarrassing to her...and that would be a huge problem for her. It would be way too obvious what had happened. If we were to divorce...and he was there a year or two from now...I could see that happening. As much as I would hate the idea of him being anywhere near my children...I might have to learn to live with that. But I think we're getting way ahead of ourselves in that respect.

I know the idea behind this site is to build and save marriages...but obviously some cannot be saved. People do change and sometimes that change is not overturned by skillfully manipulating them back to who you want them to be.

While I understand the concepts here...and in some...maybe a lot...of situations it really is about coaxing a person back to reality...if a person does have pre existing mental issues...it may be next to impossible for them to be coaxed.

My mother and her did not get along that well...and my wife could not handle my mother...my wife took things personally. My mother was an emotional mess and everybody else had learned to live with that (looks like I am in for the same ride). My wife could not...and decided she WOULD NOT associate with my mother. Within a year of my daughter being born (1997) she told me she no longer wanted anything to do with my mother or anybody that associated with her. She said I never supported her when it came to my mother (there is some truth to me not supporting her enough) and said it was her or my mother. I chose my wife and daughter. It took a year or so for that situation ti improve for me. My wife resented me for it. It took a few more years to really see her trust me when it came to my mother. For that time and until just this summer, I did not speak to my mother, step father, sister, brother in law...and a host of cousins. Basically any contact with anybody in my family resulted in an argument...and her use of the words NEVER if I even mentioned the idea of trying to work things out with them.

Her resentment issues are HUGE...and not just something being used to hide what might be going on with her and the OM. Going back now would likely cause so many negative feelings that she would never get past them. Maybe I am wrong on that count...but I don't think it would work out with the way she is right now...it would really kill things from what I can see.

I will do my best to determine if something is going on with her and the OM...and then decide what to do from there.

Sean- I am very new here, but have been reading for a few months. Please, please, please follow these people's advice. You have some of the most experienced posters trying to help you. They KNOW what they are talking about. Don't assume that those who have any influence on your wife actually know the truth. They only know the slanted truth- Trust me.

If you have the money, hire a PI to get the scoop, and then follow everyone's advice and expose.

Oh, and move back home!!

Saying that "all marriages cannot be saved" is a self fulfilling prophecy when you surrender your marriage and your children to an OM. A marriage cannot be saved when you surrender without trying to save it. [the French did the same thing in WWII]

You are allowing yourself to be "skillfully manipulated" by 2 people who are in an affair. Do you realize this? Defending your marriage from this assault is not "manipulative," it is what one does when they are serious about saving their marriage.

When a wife says she needs "space" it means that she needs space to carry on her affair. I understand you are new to this, but you are making strategic mistakes that will result in the death of your marriage. For absolutely no good reason.

Your path only supports the affair, our path supports the marriage. .


You don't have any idea what you are dealing with and don't understand the mentality of a wayward. You think you are dealing with your wife, but you are not. You are dealing with an irrational wayward wife who is drunk on her affair. Since you don't understand this aspect, you have no idea how to cope with it.

It is your prerogative to abandon your marriage, though. We thought you wanted to save your marriage. But it is your right to give up.

She feels too much pressure because it is harder to hide her affair. She doesn't want you there to interfere with her affair.

What better reason than to expose?

Really?? Your just gonna let that happen??

I'm going to bow out now.

This poster doesn't have the capacity to actually fight for his house and his children.

A shame, really, because God only knows what the mother is telling those kids about their father.

This guy isn't going to make it.

No, it doesn't sound like it.

And you know what's worse? That his kids are going to take their father's inaction and mother's infidelity with them into their own marriages and use that as the basis of comparison when finding their own spouses. Some role models.

Sean.
You need to be a man for your family.
I work in construction and I don't mean to offend anyone but most roofers are drunks and addicts. Its mostly a cash pay business for people that re hard workers and can't pass a drug test.

Is that who you want around your kids?

In my case my wife had an affair with a man, I did a background check and found out he was a drug addict and went to prison for 9 years for trying to kill his 3 year old daughter. Who is this guy you are willing to hand your kids over to?

You seem to enable what behaviors your wife does. She tells you not to talk to family and you don't. She tells you to separate and you do.

I was in a similar role as you. I was a passive spouse. But today I'm not. Today I'm an enabled individual. You can be too. The first step is in standing up for yourself. Standing up and saying that she will not have an affair while married and that you are not going to allow some creep to move in and be your child's new dad.

Sean, save yourself months of torment and doubt. Simply go read this thread.

The subject took the same insecure, unstable, and feckless approach to his
marriage that you are. However, as badly as he screwed up his life, it was only
HIS life - no kids.

You, sir, have a lot to learn about being an adult male, and a responsible father.

That perfect strangers on the internet are concerned for your kids should be a sign, Sean.

Yeah, yeah, we know. Your WW would never do anything that may put the kids in harm's way. Well, she told you and the kids that y'all cannot see each other whenever you want to so, yes, she is capable of doing things that hurt them.

Or are these not your children?

Sorry, Sean, guess I'm not bowing out after all. Lucky you!

If you want to give up on your wife then that is your right, but you're also handing off your children to another man to raise. You don't think she will try and replace you as their father? You will see soon enough.

You're not exactly the expert in the field of marriage or separation/divorce so I'm not sure why you choose to ignore Dr. Harley's advice and methods.

If you want to give her up fine, but you're relegating your daughter to live with an apparently mentally ill mother having an affair with her roofer. That's not exactly going to bode well for you in the future.