Thanks for the advice

OK, I can do that. Supportive and discussions about marriage not divorce.

I realize what the "and stick" part is about now.

Good! Now let's proceed past "knowledge" and "comprehension" and get to the "application".

You "suggested she get an apartment"??? How about suggesting she put the effort into making her avowed marriage work, that she's investing in "la-la fantasy" plans to build a house someplace? You should NOT cooperate in discussing an "easy" divorce. You should make her to understand that any dissolution will be messy, contentious, and painful for her.

(And don't worry about "insulting" me. I get that a lot!)

Yes, NG takes some getting used to...but, a great and valued support system.

Read and follow.

I was actually just about to post a question asking what you just told me. So my plan now is to still meet with the lawyer to find out my options but essentially push her into working on our marriage and I can do that.

Exactly! You be Mr Lovey-dovey, and divert all divorce considerations to Mr. Stick-lawyer!

Maybe,

When I was in full-blown Plan A mode, I got good with the carrot part -- took awhile for me to apply thew stick -- but when I did it was quite eye-opening and effective.

Even after the stick (exposure), and being 'SuperHubby', I still consulted a laywer, a reale estate agent, financial people, etc...meaning, I still worked on the side to get MY ducks in a row should my W choose NOT to work on recovery. I'll admit, it was tough on one hand, because part of me had to prepare for the destruction of all that I had known as my life.

On the other hand, it forced me to accept that I was responsible for ME, and SHE was responsible for HER...and that, oddly, was quite liberating.

And I did have to memorize and use the line: "I will discuss marriage -- divorce talk will need to be with the lawyer". And as several vets have mentioned, it was clear to her that it would not be pretty...

I have a meeting to go to so I will post later this evening. We have a church function that we will be attending tonight. This is part of the stuff that I used to do but stopped oddly enough even though I enjoy going to church. Kids will be at my parents house so I will be having a discussion with her telling her that I have no intention of going along with any plans she has concerning moving out since our family unit includes all 4 of us. I also plan on blowing up her hosue bulding plan by talkign to her Grandfather today. He is the one that owns the land she wants to build on they are really close and I know he is against us breaking up. The land eventually goes to her anyway but right now she can't do anything without his permission so if I blow that up it will take away another part and force her to face her day to day reality even more.

Grandfather knows about the adultery, right?

Just continue to make it clear -- plainly and calmly -- that your focus is on recovering your marriage, and your responsibilities as a dad in constructing/maintaining a family.

You are not interested in talk about destruction of a marriage and a family.

Make a cup of hot tea and offer her a cup...

Maybenot, does the grandfather know about her affair? If not, I would tell him today and blow up her little plans. Ask for his support in saving your marriage. Keep looking for opportunities to blow up her affair while presenting yourself as a safe place to land. Don't cooperate with her separation plan.

I assure you the affair is still ongoing and has gone further u derground. Are you spying on her? Can you put a VAR in her car?

Make sure that her family knows the actual name of OM. Her plan is to bring him in after the divorce, presenting him as someone that she just met. Them knowing that he was instrumental in the divorce will not be something that she wants known.

"We haven't had this discussion yet but I am not helping her move since she is the one leaving. I already told her I wasn't helping with any bills and she needs to be able to do it all on her own. Which is why I shot holes in her budget when we talked about it. I realize now I should not have even had the conversation and will avoid it going forward and direct the conversation back to her choices deeply affecting the kids and negatively affecting all of our futures."

Yes you should have had that conversation with her. It is your job to paint a very ugly picture of her future where she can't a bills. I would also promise her a very ugly divorce where everyone knows about her affair and ten OM is dragged into court to give testimony about the affair.

Use a BIG STICK against her affair and her divorce fantasy and a carrot for your marriage.

It sounds like your workplace exposure went to her FRIEND at work, who has thrown away your letter. This is why it is important to expose to several people. Who is ABOVE her supervisor?

T

This is correct. The goal is to quietly replace you with the OM and say "maybenot and I just didn't work out. Here is my new love, OM!"

This is why everyone, ESPECIALLY YOUR CHILDREN, should know about the affair. I would plan on also contacting the OMs family and letting them know what he has done.

Your children need to know who the enemy of their family is and why their family is being broken up. If you don't tell them the truth, your wife will tell them lies.

You MUST inform the children so they know WHO the enemy is attacking their family and iF, then WHY their parents divorced -- so they know it was not THEIR fault. They should not carry the burden for the immoral actions of W and POSOM.

And, as I described how ugly things could get in D, I was sure to mention that I would subpeona the POSOM to testify in court, along with phone records/receipts, etc.

Workplace exposure MUST be to employers/superiors and CC EVERYBODY on any correspondence.

The conversation you DO NOT have is the one where she's crying on your shoulder basically asking for your comfort and support because your marriage is ending.

You can say something like... "ya'know...don't you think it's really kind of mean and abusive of you to first have a long term affair on me and then compound it by seeking my emotional comfort by crying on my shoulder over our marriage seemingly ending ESPECIALLY as I remain here willing to work on it and you refuse.

If you get really mad...you call them "crocodile tears" [The expression comes from an ancient anecdote that crocodiles weep in order to lure their prey, or that they cry for the victims they are eating]. It's ridiculous for her to want sympathy when she caused it and she can still TRY to fix it.

Mr. W



*"Maybe it's time you grow up honey. I'm not going to sit here and offer you a shoulder to cry on for something YOU broke and refuse to fix. You are never going to find another man like me out there that would be willing to work things out with you in a situation like this...that is how much I love you and this family, but I'm not going to sit here and be subjected to your crocodile tears. Either commit to fixing this, to really trying and I've suggested a great professional plan to help us since we obviously can't do this on our own or just go, now. The cage door is open. I am not your keeper."

MMN,

Make sure that her family knows the actual name of OM. Her plan is to bring him in after the divorce, presenting him as someone that she just met. Them knowing that he was instrumental in the divorce will not be something that she wants known.

Northwoods makes a good point here, this needs to be done for the sake of your kids as well, and your kids position in their extended families.

My cousin cheated on her H in the Navy while he was on patrol with another Navy officer and married her OM. When I was a kid I never understood why that whole family was treated noticeably different, and I think alot had to do with the dark way that her popular first H disappeared without an explanation.

Although the first H's children were innocent they still felt rejected by the extended family. The children were either deceived by their mother or keep quite, neither a positive way to deal with a childs loss of their family.

God Bless
Gamma