Okay. I won't tell her things like that anymore...even if she asks. I will just keep my peace and hurt to myself.

Our pastors spoke with us individually on Thursday and arranged for us to go away for a three day counseling session. Surprisingly, she agreed. Of course, I agreed. It was in Michigan so I began making the preparations to go, you know, work, making sure the kids would be okay, etc. The next morning, my pastor called to say she changed her mind. She said she will be willing to go on Jan. 21, 2013.?????

I don't know what that is about. No one does. I think she is bi-polar to be honest.

You have not yet answered the question :
Have you read the Basic Concepts on this website?

Hi there romulus. I really feel for you. Breathe deep and steel yourself. Take a step back for just a second and see that as much as you are trying to help her, hold her up, you cannot control her. Just reading your posts so far tell me that you are really trying hard to deal with all of her "stuff." That will over time wear you down, affect your emotional well being. Just be aware of that. Back to the point, you are doing so many right things to try to save this marriage. The problem is, is that if your wife is bi-polar or has a mental illness of some sort that is causing these crazy episodes and mindset, IT IS SOOOOOO MUCH BIGGER THAN YOU!!! You are powerless over that. Please just know that. That is why I said take a step back. Try to look at it more objectively if you can. I am learning these lessons the hard, slow way. I hope you get it much faster than I have. It will save you much emotional turmoil and pain. You can't control her, the way she thinks, what she wants, what she is going to do. You can't save her from herself. What happens is that we juggle everything they do to keep it from smashing to the ground. They don't experience the problems or failures because we are always saving the day, so they never suffer the natural consequences for their choices. When we keep protecting them from the consequences of their choices - we are enabling them!! We are enabling their choices. It doesn't seem possible that people would make such destructive choices b/c of the damage they cause. But, they do. They make these choices b/c they are not in a rational state of mind. Your wife is not rational. So, you have to change your understanding and approach in how to deal with her.

You will get a lot of great advice here from people who have been there. You will have to be tough, tougher in a different way than you are used to being tough.

What was happening is that your disrespectful reactions were making withdrawals from your account in your wife's love bank.

You will need to learn to ELIMINATE all behavior or statements on your part that your wife perceives as disrespectful.

As others have noticed, you still haven't answered the question: have you read the Basic Concepts on this website? We can help you learn to use the tools here, if you're willing to start reading the owner's manual.

These statements are also love bank withdrawals, because they are disrespectful judgments.

To "win" the marriage "game" (have a happy marriage for a lifetime), you have to make enough "points." These actions get you penalties instead of points.

The score-keeping ref is an irrational part of your wife's psyche called the Love Bank. It is not under her control, but it is very predictable, and you can learn (but never change) the rules it plays by.

You are so right. I have always been there for her, helping her make the right decisions. Stepping back and allowing her to see the consequences may actually help her to see that she needs to be home. It's so hard though. I fear the unknown. Her out there by herself, anyone can take advantage of her because she is naive and innocent. And the longer we do not talk it seems the more likely we will never talk.

She spoke with a lady from our church yesterday. This lady told me that she said she wants the marriage but wants to wait till January to see what happens between now and then. (????) I am giving her all the time and space she needs, but I did break down and send one text to her. I simply asked, "what makes you feel loved?" She never responded.

So what? Should I have lied and said, "Oh, nothing. There is nothing I would change about you."? I think she would have known I was lying. And is this not the type of openness and honesty that draws couples closer together?

Yes, I have read basic concepts and I have read His Needs/Her Needs. We have both taken the needs assessment and know what each other's needs are.

I think the major question I have right now is, do I continue to reach out to her via text, just letting her know I am thinking about her and love her or do I not contact her at all?

She has done some very hurtful things to me (leaving me at the hospital to walk home and calling the police on me...it does not get much worse than that). I do not curse at her or at all. I do not drink so I have never acted out while drunk. I do not smoke or get high. I have certainly said some things that have hurt her. I have certainly withdrawn from her love bank. But we both claim to love each other. We both claim to want the marriage. I am asked all the time, "why would you want someone who has left you and abandoned you?" That's a good question. Shakespeare said it best, "love is merely a madness and deserves a darkhouse and a whip as mad men do." She is my wife. And I believe it is God's will that I forgive her and love her despite what she has done.

But do I tell her that? Or do I just let her be? That is the question.

Why did she call the police?

What has she done that needs to be forgiven?

First, she left me stranded at the hospital after I was admitted. She said she was going to pick me up, I called her about 50 times, she was on the other line, never answered and the one time she did answer I asked her who she was talking to and she said, "I'm not telling you." She left me to walk about 20 miles home while she went out.

Second, she called the police on me when I was trying to talk to her.

Third, she physically left me and continues to ignore me (when I say me I mean the family, I have a son and a daughter who she has been a part of their lives for 11 years).

Does she expect to be catered to every time she makes a decision?

I don't know if she expects to be catered to every time she makes a decision. All I know she is ignoring me, she is not coming home, and she is telling church members she needs time to herself.

You have children with this woman?

It really does sound like an affair. You do see the red flags here don't you?

Dr H says if a spouse wants to separate for no reason its an Affair 90 per cent of the time.

People with real reasons.. Tell you what they are!!! And give you a chance to fix them!

Waywards do the following:

Blame the marriage breakdown on you. For very vague reasons

Want 'space' and 'time' and 'room to think'

Say 'I love you but not in love with you'

Will suddenly change their mind and want the marriage

Are very grumpy, fly off the handle easily

Are very forgetful and easily confused

Say irrational things.

Have you snooped?
Snooping:Is it wrong? Or, is it the right thing to do in your marriage?

No, I do not have any children with her and no I have not snooped. We have people in common who speak with both of us and I really do not think she is having an affair. But anything is possible. Maybe I will hire a PI.

I am constantly reaching out to her, but she ignores me and it hurts. I get nothing in return. Not one thing. Maybe it is really over and I just need to walk away. This pain is far too much.

Our pastor is going to ask if she will be open to once a week counseling. She told him last week that she is very attracted to me and if she sees me will want me and she can't want me right now because she needs to "hear God's voice." She told him that she loves me. But if she loves me why is she ignoring me, even my light-hearted texts. It's like I am dead to her.