...yes, childhood trauma.

I was speaking to someone last week who suggested limerence in connection with infidelity. I had never heard of this term so I googled it and saw myself described to a T. It's a battle I have fought internally since I was 12 years old. Definitely could very possibly stem from my childhood where I wasn't shown love from my mother and was abused by my step dad.

Is anyone familiar with limerence? Have you experienced it?

I just bought an ebook about it tonight I've started to read.

Seriously a light bulb moment for some people who cheat, not an excuse, but it is something that for some people, seems out of their control. I will say in advance acting on these feelings is wrong of course, everyone knows that.

If someone has positive input, I'd greatly appreciate that, thank you in advance for your respect.

It is NOT out of their control, it is a decision they make. They let down their boundaries which is where it starts. Mental illness can lead to a loss of control which is why you put boundaries in place, to avoid that loss of control. Or you take medication. Or a combination of the two.

If I find that I behave badly in the company of a gang of bikers I stop hanging out with bikers.

I was abandoned by my mother. She left me with grandparents.

I have mother issues. This is not a free pass to infidelity to be let off the hook because I had childhood trauma.

Which describes about 100% of affairs. NEXT!

This happens to people who have inappropriate boundaries around members of the opposite sex. One develops romantic feelings when they ALLOW someone to meet their emotional needs. Has nothing to do with one's "childhood," but everything to do with inappropriate ADULT behavior.

You have control over your boundaries and you have full control over your behavior. You can't blame your mommy or the concept of "limerence."

Any adult who is not in control of her behavior should be locked up and removed from society.

Yes, I'm familiar with the term. I consider it psycho-verbiage and put no weight on it at all. But the psychologist who coined the phrase managed to sell some books, so I suspect she achieved her goal.

I agree cheaters dream up the craziest reasons to have their cake and eat it too. Be a woman/man and own up to your crimes against your spouse. Mental illness, traumatic childhood and limerence are excuses to be immoral lie cheat and ruin BSes lives and children.

Limerence is nothing more than infatuation: something that characterizes 99% of affairs. You can put lipstick on that pig but you still have a pig....

Goldilocks, I see that you are still trying to blame your "childhood" on your adult choice to commit adultery. That reflects a wayward mind, which tells me you are still very wayward. And still very unrepentent.

You never told your husband about your affair, did you?

I have read a couple of books where limerance is mentioned they both have the same definition for it in that it is the feeling you get when you first fall in love with somebody. It the stage when you see no bad in the other person and there is fireworks in the sky.

Both books also state that limerance is a temporary love and at somepoint it stops and and reality sets in. There seems to be no universal term for this second stange but in MB it would be romantic love.

Goldilocks, sorry but there is no other route to repantance than 'I did an awful thing to my spouse just for own selfish need for kicks and I knew exactly what I was doing'

The feelings we have for members of the OS we like are ALWAYS going to be overwhelming. Extreme temptation does not make it OK to lie and cheat. We must simply not allow that temptation to begin.

Goldilocks

like you I cheated ... on my loving H. I blamed depression, grief, alcohol and suicidal thoughts... well after I stopped blamimg it all on my H of course.... you can I guess blame Limerence... the man in the moon or any other reason you wish to discover.

However in the end there is only one truth.. that is unless someone held a gun to your head or that of a loved one and told you to cheat or else.... YOU like I .. CHOSE yes we did.. we chose to cheat. It really is that simple.

Yes it is hard to accept that you chose to hurt your H and family and yourself this way,, but you did... I did ... that's it. TRUTH!!

Now you have another choice to make.... look for "the" excuse forever or just accept you made a BAD decision and live up to the consequences. It wont be easy,,,I'll never pretend it will be.. but in the end its all about what you wish to be to yourself.. your family and H.

You may also want to consider just how much your H knows... suspects... is already hurt by... because Goldilocks as WW we are not half as smart as a dead stump in a sucking mud swamp.... on a good day.

Please think about what you have been told here.. it was not to hurt you but to help you see through your own self deception. What you do with that is up to you... though we would hope you will consider MB as a pathway to a marriage recovery.

I actually wanted to post about Limerence because I really feel it's a valid feeling some people get. I'm not excusing any of my behavior. I understand I made bad choices.

What I was hoping to accomplish by coming back here was to possibly let someone else know that this does exist.

I wouldn't attempt to compare myself with someone who was dropped off at Grandma's house against daily mental and physical abuse. And I'm not going to get into that debate. I was a 10 year old child who not only wasn't shown love but was abused for the rest of my childhood. I would have gladly taken being dropped off at Grandma's over what I went through.

Starting at age 12, I would get crazy intense 'crushes' on boys, completely like I read about in the description of Limerence. It could be a different boy every other week. As an adult, I still had a few of these crazy intense crushes, one especially, but of course I never acted on them, not until this last year.

For me, reading about this was VERY freeing. I would feel like I was fighting a raging battle inside. I absolutely do not expect anyone who hasn't experienced this to understand what it is or to understand what it feels like.

I'm hoping that if someone else can be helped to understand what this is that they will see this.

Thank you to the people who offered constructive help!

Did you ever tell your husband? Is there a reason you chose not to answer that when another poster asked?

Sounds like you found a psychology term to justify your behavior. Do you understand that people cannot diagnose themselves with psychological illness? That a person cannot view themselves in such an objective manner? That students in Psychology 101 classes seem to diagnose everyone from their mother to their dog?

I had a wonderful childhood. My mother is an angel. My dad is protective and crazy about me.

Guess what? I had intense crazy crushes on boys as a young girl too. Who doesn't?

I had some as an adult too. Even after marriage, while I still had poor boundaries.

Its called being human and having feelings.

Does it have to be limerence to a person or could it be to something like.....ummmmmm....oh i know chocolate? Because i have a really big problem with that.

No, it doesn't. It's just a handy expression. Stop with the whining. RIGHT NOW. Don't even GO THERE. Goldilocks, you don't even want to KNOW what I went through, starting when I was three. You don't want to know. Would it help you if I mentioned that my virginity was broken before I was ten (I think - activities before that could have pushed the date up to 3 or 4, but I was too young and I think I blocked a lot of things)? Would that make you realize that you don't have a platform, here, for your self-serving activities?

STOP YOUR SELF-SERVING WHINING. You OWN your life NOW. It has ZERO to do with your childhood. ZERO.

OK, so it should be pointed out that in your original thread (Here: LINK) that you basically blamed your BH for your affair.




Then the blame shifted to the OM because he was so good at seducing you...



Now this delving into childhood issues. It's not complicated. It's simple. Really!

Based on Dr Harley's 30+ years of experience and based on what we see here on the forums every day, when you flirt, chat, or (by your own admission) email and IM and text with members of the opposite sex, this behavior often leads to affairs -- regardless of whether there was childhood trauma or not.

This post about childhood trauma demonstrates that you are continuing to search for a reason to assuage your guilt while you continue to keep this a secret.

Tell your H the whole truth! That is the solution! It will continue to eat away at you unless you do...

X2

Dr H says we ALL would have an affair in the right circumstances.

But only a select few opt for life-long deception as you have. Most people become honest at SOME point.

Goldilocks,

Are you also using limerence as an excuse for not telling your husband about your affair or are you seaching on the interenet for something that can explain dishonesty in adults?

AM

Limerence is an involuntary state of mind which seems
to result from a romantic attraction to another person
combined with an overwhelming, obsessive need to have
one's feelings reciprocated.

OMG!!!!

I'm "infected"! I never realized that this has been a driving force in my life for over four decades!

Imagine my good fortune (or was it supernatural coping mechanisms?) in being able to MARRY that person, DEVOTE myself to her, and (with one glaring exception) enjoy RECIPROCATION of that same adoration and attraction!

It's a bloody miracle!