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What is the longest someone did plan b and recovered? A summary would be nice. I already spent to many hours following recovery threads and I am getting eye strain.
I have a thread in "recovery" but things are not going so well so I need to move over here.
I am trying to decide if I should do plan b again or is it time to file and move on. I did a plan b with success in 2009 but came back home too early without UA and POJA being mastered to the letter.
I have been dealing with all this for years now and I am running out of steam. I feel if I file D I will move on faster and end up better financially since he is somewhat level minded and not currently in a relationship or A.
He is in a position to stay in plan b more comfortably than I. I am afraid he will eventually want to remarry and then D. I feel I will be at a disadvantage to get what I deserve financially and waiting is taking a tole on my entire being body, spirit, and soul.
He will say
1. She left me although I begged her to stay (although i couldn't tell her that I loved her and would not do POJA or UA and kept doing IB)
2. I am no longer in an affair so our D would be incompatibility not adultery. (His words not mine) Here is the first post on this thread. I read it again and nowhere do I see where you have said that the REASON you have gone into Plan B is because your husband still works with the OW. How were posters supposed to know this since the "chart" is not even here?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You describe a marriage not in recovery, in the details you provide, and then lament that it didn't work? couldn't figured out why you saying we not in recovery. I thought that was obvious until I saw my post signature. It is deleted to eliminate that confusion.
Me: 45, BS
Him: 47, FWH (lasted 3+ years with coworker)
married: 1993
WH A started Fall of 2003
D-day: Aug 2008
Pornography D day: Nov 2008
2 DD's (15 and 16)
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By the way we have gone over this before. I am tired of bashing my husband to correct your sometimes not spot on advice. Yes I left because he had an affair and did not want to recover. blueskies, you're all over the place. I'm catching up on your thread and can't even follow you. Not a word about an affair, and then suddenly THERE'S AN AFFAIR. Do you not understand how important this is to your story?? What happened with the affair? What's the story there?? It is in my signature post and I already answered that question more than once. And do you not realize how important MelodyLane's posts are for you?
Me: 45, BS
Him: 47, FWH (lasted 3+ years with coworker)
married: 1993
WH A started Fall of 2003
D-day: Aug 2008
Pornography D day: Nov 2008
2 DD's (15 and 16)
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Posts: 6,108
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couldn't figured out why you saying we not in recovery. I thought that was obvious until I saw my post signature. It is deleted to eliminate that confusion. Huh? You are not in Recovery, blue.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Oh yeah that is right I AM in RECOVERY ...thanks for the reminder!!! seriously how could I miss that?
Me: 45, BS
Him: 47, FWH (lasted 3+ years with coworker)
married: 1993
WH A started Fall of 2003
D-day: Aug 2008
Pornography D day: Nov 2008
2 DD's (15 and 16)
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Posts: 6,108
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Oh yeah that is right I AM in RECOVERY ...thanks for the reminder!!! seriously how could I miss that? 
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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blueskies, you're all over the place. I'm catching up on your thread and can't even follow you. Not a word about an affair, and then suddenly THERE'S AN AFFAIR. Do you not understand how important this is to your story?? What happened with the affair? What's the story there?? It is in my signature post and I already answered that question more than once. Here is your signature: Me: 45, BS
Him: 47, FWH (lasted 3+ years with coworker)
married: 1993
D-day: Aug 2008
Pornography D day: Nov 2008
In recovery: up and down:things are looking down right now.
2 DD's (15 and 16) Your signature is very misleading and would not help anyone understand your situation. NOWHERE does it say that the issue is that your husband is STILL IN CONTACT WITH THE OW, which is your basic problem. It also says "in recovery" which is completely misleading. You are not in recovery, you are separated!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I've been following for the last several pages and I am so confused I can't tell which way is up in this thread.
NM, everyone's right. Contact with OW means the affair's not over. If you're a former heroin addict and you are around heroin all the time, with opportunity to take it, guess what's going to happen?
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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I've been following for the last several pages and I am so confused I can't tell which way is up in this thread. Join the crowd!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I thought you were reminding me, that I am in personal recovery, like SH and Marcos who reminded me that plan B is not to save your marriage.
Okay so what was your point?
When I first posted it was in recovery forum...bc I had a recovery that went south and was in my mind trying to get back on track..my signature said recovery up and down:things looking up then later things looking down and then tonight after someone told me YOU are NOT in recovery I deleted it. Now I thought you questioned why I am not in recovery since others had reminded me I need to move on and seek personal recovery, which I am starting to agree with and now this response from you....please explain.
Me: 45, BS
Him: 47, FWH (lasted 3+ years with coworker)
married: 1993
WH A started Fall of 2003
D-day: Aug 2008
Pornography D day: Nov 2008
2 DD's (15 and 16)
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Agreed that you are not in marital recovery. I thought you were saying that you were...not personal recovery....crossed wires. Your personal recovery is going to limp along as long as you hang onto WH though.
I hope you make decisions from here on out with personal recovery in mind. I don't see any reason you should continue on in a marriage where your WH doesn't take the most basic steps to rebuild your marriage and provide JC.
Last edited by black_raven; 10/04/12 10:16 PM.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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blueskies, I am separated from my WH and he has done waaaaaaaay worse things than yours has and I still have a feeling of love for him. If he contacts me I go into a serious depression that takes me a while to get over.
If you are honest with yourself you will recognize that the affair is not over. Also I am not sure of the details as with everyone else. It might be best if you start over and give all the facts so that people can follow your story and help you.
You are very emotional right now at the prospect of seeing him again. And you seem to be not thinking clearly.
Please consider putting your story all in one place maybe on a new thread so that the vets can help you.
I wish you good luck and I think you have a very good chance of recovering your marriage.
Me BW: 30
WH: 33
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So you're ok with your WH working at the same place with OW (since you avoid all the posters asking you about it)? 6. SH knows OW is at his work (but it is a big place and they not work exact same hours) He hates her last report. She turned on him at the job after talking to me by phone to apologize and I gave her my side of story. Will he quit his job and go elsewhere?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Okay you are all right and SH is wrong. Does that make you feel better? After I told SH what you ALL said...he said it was ideal...but at the time it was NOT possible. There are 300 hundred folks working 24/7 alongside my H. My H and the OW are not in the same area, not the same days, not the same hours, plus she YELLED AT HIM AND THREATENED to file sexual harrasment after I requested the BIG BOSS make and exception to release my H to a new area.
Maybe I should explain that one of his superior's wives went to a social for work, met his coworker and started an affair? Now his superior is STUCK working beside the WOMAN who stole his WIFE (YES I said woman) and it is miserable. It was a miracle my husband got out. DO you realize we work in NM. Does anyone know what kind of people work here in very specialized jobs you can't find anywhere else? If you know then keep it to yourself because some of them are classified. The world is not ideal.
At this point I am basically seeking self recovery and how to go through this process, how to keep on plan b for a bit longer, how to handle vacations and you guys are arguing over things I can do NOTHING about like the OW.
Me: 45, BS
Him: 47, FWH (lasted 3+ years with coworker)
married: 1993
WH A started Fall of 2003
D-day: Aug 2008
Pornography D day: Nov 2008
2 DD's (15 and 16)
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Posts: 3,686
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He cannot continue to work with his OW. This part is NOT NEGOTIABLE.
Specialized work? Well, he shouldn't have had an affair!
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4
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So do you want help on how to do a proper Plan B so you can heal?
When you close that door of communication with him and work on personal recovery you will heal.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Agreed that you are not in marital recovery. I thought you were saying that you were...not personal recovery....crossed wires. Your personal recovery is going to limp along as long as you hang onto WH though.
I hope you make decisions from here on out with personal recovery in mind. I don't see any reason you should continue on in a marriage where your WH doesn't take the most basic steps to rebuild your marriage and provide JC. Yes that is getting clearer to me. Thanks
Me: 45, BS
Him: 47, FWH (lasted 3+ years with coworker)
married: 1993
WH A started Fall of 2003
D-day: Aug 2008
Pornography D day: Nov 2008
2 DD's (15 and 16)
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Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 91
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Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 91 |
blueskies, I am separated from my WH and he has done waaaaaaaay worse things than yours has and I still have a feeling of love for him. If he contacts me I go into a serious depression that takes me a while to get over.
If you are honest with yourself you will recognize that the affair is not over. Also I am not sure of the details as with everyone else. It might be best if you start over and give all the facts so that people can follow your story and help you.
You are very emotional right now at the prospect of seeing him again. And you seem to be not thinking clearly.
Please consider putting your story all in one place maybe on a new thread so that the vets can help you.
I wish you good luck and I think you have a very good chance of recovering your marriage. Gee so it still hurts. I'm sorry. I was hoping I am stronger in that way now. Leaving the state showed me a lot. I want to go back for me...not him. Melody trying to send me back to try POJA is not the kind of support I was asking for. Black Raven's dialog is helping...I am ignoring anything by MEL... if I don't read I can't get hurt or emotional or upset. I NEED to decide about this trip and where to live not what mel writes. No time for a recap now. No he is not in an affair right now. What is emotional for me ...is deciding where to live and how to handle vacations. When I go back do I pack up all my work tools, my professional stuff, my library of books, get my dogs (I'd have to fork over some big time deposit to sway land lord) ect...those are big decisions that are swarming through my head. I am just saying this is a big deal...deciding what to do with my future and how it effects our kids. Dealing with Mel did make me emotional you are correct.
Me: 45, BS
Him: 47, FWH (lasted 3+ years with coworker)
married: 1993
WH A started Fall of 2003
D-day: Aug 2008
Pornography D day: Nov 2008
2 DD's (15 and 16)
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Posts: 3,686
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He may not be in an affair NOW, but regular contact with his OW will make sure he is eventually.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
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Okay you are all right and SH is wrong. Does that make you feel better? After I told SH what you ALL said...he said it was ideal...but at the time it was NOT possible. There are 300 hundred folks working 24/7 alongside my H. My H and the OW are not in the same area, not the same days, not the same hours, plus she YELLED AT HIM AND THREATENED to file sexual harrasment after I requested the BIG BOSS make and exception to release my H to a new area.
Maybe I should explain that one of his superior's wives went to a social for work, met his coworker and started an affair? Now his superior is STUCK working beside the WOMAN who stole his WIFE (YES I said woman) and it is miserable. It was a miracle my husband got out. DO you realize we work in NM. Does anyone know what kind of people work here in very specialized jobs you can't find anywhere else? If you know then keep it to yourself because some of them are classified. The world is not ideal.
At this point I am basically seeking self recovery and how to go through this process, how to keep on plan b for a bit longer, how to handle vacations and you guys are arguing over things I can do NOTHING about like the OW. **sigh** blue, both my ex's affairs were at the workplace. The professional fallout out of A#1 ended up with him in the President's office (huge employer)...it was not pretty. That did not stop WH from having another workplace affair...and the professional fallout went for round 2 of WTF? Do you have a brain AT ALL? I don't know what to say to you. If personal R is your goal, then do a real Plan B and cut off contact with your WH. You will not recover but talking to him about anything other the $ and the kids...very business like and limited. Get yourself into physical activities or a hobby...keep busy with your girls...do enjoyable things to distract your mind from WH. You handle vacations by talking to your girls (since D hasn't been filed, WH can't make them do anything) about what they want to do or you come up with arrangements that work for you and them. If they want to see their dad, fine. If they don't, fine.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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