Oh...absolutely. I want to see if this behavior continues over time. I expect it won't, but if it does, I think it will indicate that she's turning the corner. I can't imagine her faith in the OM wasn't shaken buy is repeated attempts to pull back, followed by his NC after exposure, then de-friending her yesterday. I have to believe all of this has to have had an effect on now she views him, especially given their history and what I said it means when a guy pulls back from a sure thing like that. That, or maybe she hit her head, or something just snapped inside.

It's been a month now since exposure. What I wonder is, if my love bank account with her was still in the positive, though below romantic level, and her rational side finally gave up on the other guy (even if just for a day or in spots), could that be a part of it? Maybe that's a good question for Dr. Harley to answer. I guess I am struggling to understand how I could pick up such strong positive feelings from her like I did yesterday. I'm not going to make much of this until I see this behavior consistently. But this is really a head scratcher for me. Probably would be for any BS going through this roller coaster.

I assume you are talking about the radio show? If not, which email?

Thanks.

There will be a lot of future head-scratchers. Don't loose hair over it (see what I did there)

Thankfully, I have mom's hair and not my dad's. Otherwise, I wouldn't have to worry about losing hair, as I wouldn't have it then.

Keep in mind the Three States of Marriage:

* Withdrawal
* Conflict
* Romantic Love

My wife claims she never fell out of romantic love with me while she was pursuing her affair. She ended up in love with two people simultaneously, and began experiencing what Dr. Harley calls "Approach Avoidance". When she was on the phone with him, she'd miss me. When she was with me, she'd miss him. It's very, very common.

What I guess I'm saying is that if she's feeling romantic love for you, that would be a good thing! But it doesn't mean your work stops; it means you intensify it, and keep competing for your wife's love like the champion lover you are. Find creative ways to show her what an extraordinary man you are, and how extraordinary your devotion to her is.

If nothing else, this will clearly show her what she stands to lose should she continue to pursue her extramarital relationship. That's the "stick" bit of Plan B: you must demand fidelity (on occasion, little reminders when she slips up, not something you do every day). Fidelity is the only option, and your tolerance with her dalliance can only last for so long. You will also only continue to be this way if she is married to you; if you divorce, all bets are off, and the wonderful man she married will ignore her forever. The more she meets your needs, you'll find the longer you're willing to keep up your Plan A, until eventually the two of you are Plan A-ing each other constantly.

No woman wants to be with a man who is merely tolerating her. It's important she knows how devoted you are. The power of YOUR love for her cannot be underestimated. While in withdrawal, she won't really register it, but once in Recovery it is the knowledge that you are "all in" for her, for life, can be the lifeline she needs when she's struggling to hang on.

Anyway, mbradio@marriagebuilders.com is the email address for Dr. Harley's show. I would definitely recommend it. I think you are in a good place to set yourself up for recovery, but in the absence of a no-contact announcement and implementation of Extraordinary Precautions to prevent recidivism, you are definitely NOT in recovery yet.

Have you read up on Extraordinary Precautions yet? Has your wife agreed to any?

Rollercoaster!!
Its going to be a wild ride, you just got on the ride.
It takes time, do not look for immediate fix/progress.

Thank you DNM! This is what I was wondering. I really have a hard time understanding how she could be like that with me yesterday without thinking she still had love for me. Her body language and mannerisms were just to strong. Time to start pouring it on!

So far she hasn't agreed to the Extraordinary Precautions. I believe I can get her to at lest allow me to start working her needs more, maybe even get her to fill out the EN questionnaire with me. I'll work that angle, but I know I'm at risk until she agrees to NC. Of course, in really, I'm at risk no matter what unless she ultimately decides she wants to be with me. Regardless, I know the quality time is getting good results from her. It's been getting easier to start and hold a conversation with her, as she is willing to talk longer and longer to me. Now I need to start focusing more on the affection side. I've done some very light touching the last couple of days, and will keep doing that. Now I need to start doing notes more often, and other subtle things. I'll try some flowers here soon as well. I want to gradually pick it up so as to not look to fake and like I am trying too hard.

Thanks again. I will write the good doc later tonight to get his opinion should he choose to answer my email.

Already been a roller coaster! Good thing I love 'em!

Many times, you won't find success from an active wayward when getting them to fill out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. Mentally, if the Contrast Effect between you and the other man is in full swing, the last thing she'd want is for you to do anything for her!

At times like that, your best bet is to get her help filling out a Love Busters Questionnaire. She may not be willing to tell you what her needs are (doesn't matter; you know her, you can make a good guess!), but she'll be willing to tell you what you do that hurts her. In fact, a willingness to fill out the LBQ is a pretty good indicator that your spouse is at least in Conflict, and no longer in Withdrawal (speaking states-of-mind-in-marriage; she may still be in addiction withdrawal).

Expect that if she is willing to fill it out, there's going to be junk in there about "independence", "controlling behavior", etc. That's part of the wayward fog... a wayward won't be able to distinguish actual controlling behavior from enforcing effective boundaries and defending your marriage. But you'll know the difference.

Might help. A lot of times, all it takes to restore your marriage's Love Boat is to stop blowing holes in the hull!

Thanks again. Great info DNM.

I sent my email to Dr. Harley just a few minutes ago. I hope I get a reply. It will be interesting to hear is take on my situation.

Yesterday my wife still seemed nice, but she was also depressed, so I didn't raise any issues with her, just talked about a few things. This morning she seemed happy again, but we didn't have much time to discuss anything, as our mornings are pretty busy. Today we have a practice to go to, and she is going to try and be there. If she is, it will be another connecting opportunity for me.

Unfortunately for me, he depression rubbed off a little and I've been hit by the blues this morning. I hate when this happens, as it impacts my ability to work big time, and I struggle wondering if this is all hopeless. I prayed several times this morning and God gave me a good swift kick in the rear, as I suddenly had the urge to finish my email to the Harleys and send it.

Ok, this roller coaster sucks! Can I get a refund?

I wanted to provide some context for you before I give you the next line;

Quit yer bellyachin, and get back in the fight!

Good one. I've been OK, for the most part, the last 3 weeks. But today, for whatever reason, I just felt really depressed. Kind of out of it now. My son had fun at soccer practice today, and I got to have fun watching him. That certainly helped. Unfortunately, the wife was in an iffy mood when she got there, and got worse as the kids got on her nerves. She has a really short temper these days, and once the kids get on her nerves, I can get more flak than I deserve.

The roller coaster continues.

Falcon, I mentioned before that you were strong out the gate, but you are not finishing well at all. It really does kill me to see you take command so quickly, and decisively, and then relinquish that control simply because you think you have control.

You don't! All you have done is allow this affair to go deep and dark. It is not done. It may seem done for now, but it's not. It's simply on a holding pattern. Bet on it. Everything you have said thus far leads to that conclusion. It's all been seen here before, and you can only listen to the advice and take it, or not. It really is up to you...it's your marriage, not ours.

I just don't want you to be one of the many BHs that come back after doing things half assed screaming, "I should've listened, it's worse than ever now. I'm ready to listen now".

You need to expose this POSOM via Facebook and kill this thing dead. Believe me, it's not dead, just playing possum.

Guess who's gonna end up being road kill if you don't?

Get a haircut, shave clean, dress well, smell good. Look in the mirror and admire the sexy mofo lookin back at you.

Falcon, I'm serious here. You are making one massive mistake by not exposing him and killing this deader than Jimmy Hoffa.



Finish...the...job!

Believe me, you'll thank yourself later for the effort.

Falcon, don't you find it the least bit odd that he de-friended her on FB so easily? Uh, don't think it's your influence and politely asking that had anything to do with it.

They have other means of communication. It's really that simple. If you had killed this dead, you're wife would be one helluva lot more pissed than she is now. From what you have described, she's not that pissed. Remember the mantra around here: The madder she is, the more direct the hit. She's not that mad. Your hit was just a shot across the bow. Nothing more than a warning to them that they have to be more a lot more careful, and just lay low for a while. You can believe that.

However, if you don't believe me, you'll find out soon enough.

And I'll hate it for you when you do.

Falcon,

I thought you already exposed.
Can you please clarify who you exposed to?
The fact she refuses to write a NC letter is a clear indication of who she is emotionally loyal to.

Viper, I greatly appreciate what you are saying, but I have seen communications she has no idea I know about that showed he has made no further contact, and my wife has decided to just string things out with me until she can all hoping the guy will still be there. He's out of the picture. She's already made several more slip ups for me to check out and everything is still coming up empty. Right now, she appears to be depressed. She's not happy, as she was when they were still communicating.

I can't reiterate enough...before she ever told me, going back over 9 months, the guy repeatedly would pull back. She had to keep badgering him to contact her again. The fact that he had his chance to get some by meeting up with her, but didn't tells me everything I need to know. He checked out. I would pay good money to bet that he had someone else on the hook, not just my wife, and that the other piece of a** doesn't come with all of the strings, complications, and the 1 year wait (which is what it will likely be before she sniffs divorce). I'm not worried about him anymore beyond being a trigger.

Right now my concern is her getting over him and the mood she's been in concerning leaving me no matter what. She broke through on Monday, and was kind of still their on Tuesday, but was depressed. She's going through the ups and downs of this mess, and whenever she peeks out, I'm going to be turning on the charm, as I did on Monday. It makes a difference when she peeks out. It's getting her to come out fully that is the challenge. If I see anything come from the OM, I will simply copy all of his FB friends the letter with screenshots of his communications to my wife. I'll bury his a**. Right now, he's pulled himself out without a fight, and I don't intend to provoke the guy into some needless revenge stuff (he could easily start sending my wife stuff just to piss me off and make life miserable for me. He's out, and I'll let it be for now as he has no clue what I can and will do to him if he chooses otherwise.

Believe me, if I had ANY contact from him to her, or her intermediary, I would have already pulled the trigger. His lack of communicating with her, subsequent de-friending at an opportune time. After all, she's sitting there thinking "maybe he's just playing it cool and not contacting to avoid trouble" when she notices that, a month after contact, he de-friends her. What kind of statement do you think that sent to her? I know that was the same day her old, kind, caring, loving self, peeked out. Not sure if the FB thing was the cause or not...not trying to build it up...but it's an awful big coincidence. If he so much has sends her a 'hi" I'm going nuclear on him. But he's not my concern right now.

You are making a HUGE mistake by not exposing the OM.