He said their last conversation already said they wouldn't contact each other and she confirmed this. I just feel like he's putting her well being above mine. I said if she sent him that letter as the BW I'd be THRILLED. I don't know why her husband would be upset.

Let him know that it won't interfere, it will HELP them too. His more important concern should be YOU and helping you heal. This will be a good first step in that direction. The letter that he sent that skank was disrespectful to you and to the OW's husband. Sending the right letter will correct that disrespectful action.

Does he want you to be healed faster? Then he needs to start making amends to you.

He said that the good bye phone conversation was they both needed to be with their spouse and agreed never to contact each other again. He said they said I love you. Won't tell me more than that. Won't reinstate the email account to let me read the letter he sent her after.

He said he can't do this. What do I do from here? I said if this is one way to make up for all the hurt and pain and allow me to heal. He said he's sorry but he can't.

Oh and OW did confirm that they agreed to stay out of each others lives.

This is a huge red flag. He is hiding things from you. You can't ever trust him again if he doesn't show you the letter. What does he have to hide?

Unless he gives you access to the email account and shows you the letter, your marriage is not going to recover.

here

No the email account is deleted. He doesn't want to reinstate it and possibly get the emails back. He said it was a big deal to delete it.

Toomuch,

I am sorry this is happening to you.

Refusal to write a proper nc letter and hiding this email means that the affair has gone underground. It is likely they have found other methods to stay in contact.

Use a keylogger on your computers and check out the operation investigate to track his phone usage.


AM

There are red flags all over the place. He needs to reinstate the account and show you the emails. This is something you have a right to see.

His behavior reflects someone who is not in the least remorseful. I agree with Armymama that the affair is still ongoing. Why else would he be hiding? Why else would he resist sending a no contact letter? I can think of no reason other than an ongoing affair.

toomuchsd, I'm sorry for your pain. Trust me I've been there. Kind of a similar situation (5 years of A) except very physical if you read my thread and I can tell you this is some of the worst pain I've ever felt. There are no kids between us, but I stayed and we have a great relationship right now, so there is definitely a "silver lining" but he has to be TOTALLY on board with letting OW go - not just know it in his head that he must, but he must deeply and completely WANT to, otherwise like others have said, it will just go underground and then reinstate itself behind your back, but hidden better.

I am still not over "forgiving" my WH and totally relate to the feelings of not knowing how I can ever trust that he won't do this to me again - but also I have a lot more to forgive with the A having gone physical and with everything I read and saw.

Whatever you do, just make sure this is not a temporary "break off" between your H and OW. It needs to be completely destroyed NOW and stop at nothing to ensure this. But ultimately he has to be on board - we can expose all we want and stand on our heads but until the wayward spouses actually decide for themselves that it's over, its not over. (well, unless the lover decides its over I suppose).

Well, the reason she's "had power" is because he's been maintaining an inappropriate friendship/affair with her for 6 years. It was a no-commitment, no-hassles relationship where he could share what he wanted with her, hide what he didn't want to share with her, and see only what she wanted him to see in turn, with none of the commitments, responsibilities or messiness or ups/downs of real life.

The main issue your husband has is that he, for a very long time, hasn't had any sense of proper boundaries around the opposite sex. He's bought into the cultural myth that it's OK for married people to keep in touch with exes & to have opposite-sex friendships. That crap only works out in the movies & on TV & in pulp fiction. In real life, it's always an invitation to disaster for a marriage, and it's an invitation that he accepted. He's been hedging his emotional investment in you for as long as he's been maintaining this "friendship." (That's a fact whether he realizes or admits it or not.)

I went through affair-withdrawal myself almost 4 years ago. It's possible that your husband is serious about wanting to fix your marriage but is so addled by his continuing addiction to this long-term affair partner that he's not thinking clearly. If the affair has only been over for 3 weeks, then I guarantee you, he may have lucid moments, but he is very likely still fogged up. Affairs are in fact a form of addiction, right down to the brain-chemistry impact (it's not "love", but it's "infatuation", which feels a lot like "falling in love"), and there aren't too many addicts who can guide themselves through withdrawal & out of addiction, and also not too many marriage counselors who even understand this & what to do about it.

It's also possible that they've taken the affair underground. People on a website can tell you it sure sounds like this may be the case, but the only way to give yourself assurance is to slap a keylogger onto his computer (in which case you will NOT want to show him this site yet). There's an "Operation Investigate" section of the forum that can help you.

Thanks for all the advice and help. We had a sit down conversation tonight and he agreed to the letter. He also agreed to changing all phone numbers and email addresses. We have set a date for next Friday to go over any possible information I may want about the affair then I will let it go after that. I realize I have to for MY own good. Regardless if we make it or not, I have to forgive him and get past this for our children's sake.

He definitely wants to let OW go. He said its easier every day. I have him a deadline of 3 months for him to let her go and if it doesn't happen we will sit and reassess. He said even if we don't make it, he can't have her in his head for future relationships. But we both definitely want to make this work.

tmsd, what do you mean by "let her go?" He HAS let her go already, correct?

And you can make it if you follow this program. The way to get her out of his head is to get you IN his head. This is something we can help you achieve.

It was platonic for 6 years. This I am sure of. And it hasn't gone physical in any way. Well he kissed her when she came out in July but that's when the emotional affair started. The difference in him when the emotional affair started was like night and day. So for sure he wasn't carrying on an affair for 6 years. Also during the 6 years her husband knew of their friendship.

Just a bit of advice: don't reassess and don't ever bring that old wh*re up again. She is toxic to you both and there is nothing more to discuss. The only thing that should be discussed is how to make your own marriage a romantic and passionate relationship.

How do you know it was not sexual?

Thinking the same thing...