Exposure is not in SAA. It is in the newsletter section. He is rewriting SAA to include it. But you need to expose the affair and do it right, telling people this was a physical affair. Doing a trickle exposure will gain you nothing.


The affair is still fully active. He threw you this crumb to throw you off balance. You need to follow armymama's suggestions and get the keylogger on his computer TODAY and call her husband TODAY. Let him know the affair is still very active.


He is fogged out so he would be the last person to know if he is in the fog or not.

Please call the OWH today and expose this affair to family members and friends. You have a short window of opportunity to save your marriage and this can't be put off any longer.

Yeah, you are being trickle truthed. He is still protecting her and his relationship with her. Otherwise, he would have TOLD you about the skyping - that day!! So, who initiated the skype call? He didn't have to take the call. There is so much more going on here. He will only tell you the minimum it will take for you to "believe" him. You have a choice here. You can choose to believe that he has told you everything b/c that is easier or you can assume, that for now, he hasn't told you everything and choose to NOT believe him or in him just yet. They will lie for as long as they can - especially while the desire to continue the addiction is still there. He might be afraid to lose you, and all that comes with that, but he is NOT over her, so his desire for her is still there. His actions are NOT meeting the words he is telling you. You speak as if you think, "OK, I know everything now, and we can move forward now." No, you don't, and no you can't. Moving forward without a poly, with him having just lied to you (lie of ommission about the skype call), is just being blind to the magnitude of what you are really dealing with. Please take off the protective cloak or blinders that are preventing you from facing this HEAD ON!!!

2mch, we are more concerned with you being a DIVORCED wife than with what people think. If someone thinks you are stupid, that is their problem, not yours. But it will be your problem if you end up divorced because you didn't do everything possible when you had the chance. The longer their affair goes on, the harder it will be recover your marriage.

You can't afford to avoid these actions out of fear of what others say.

I think it is normal to worry about that for a bit. But, then when you finally see the big picture, it shouldn't really be about that anymore. No one will think you are the stupid wife. It is amazing that we could think that anyone would think that in the first place. People want other people do do the right thing. Everyone will see that your husband chose cheating on you as his way to handle things. They all know that he didn't handle it correctly. Every marriage has its issues. His recourse was to turn to you, explain his needs to you, teach you even if that is what it took. He chose to cheat to have needs met instead. So, no matter how guilty you feel about your role in not meeting his needs, you are not the cause or responsible for his affair. He is. Please listen to ML and the others. They have been where you are, faced it, worked through it the right ways, and have been at this a LONG time.

You need to expose the affair to everyone involved, friends, family, whatever. They're all going to find out anyway.

This consistently happens when a wayward spouse is informed of an upcoming polygraph; truths suddenly come to light, along with a strong desire to avoid the polygraph. That's because your wayward spouse is still hiding things from you.

Ok, well, my WW says she is not even close to being able to do whatever it takes to preserve our marriage and she even wants a divorce and wants out.

But she's COMPLETELY cut off all contact with OM, sent a no-contact letter, etc. and understands I will be *GONE* if I find out the affair is back on.

"Do whatever you ask" needs to include a full polygraph, no-contact letter, and extreme precautions to make sure this doesn't happen again.

You also need to expose (and don't inform him first or ask his permission). You can't recover your marriage whilst the affair si still alive.

well you guys were all absolutely 100% spot on. He sat me down last night and laid it all out. The whole 3 weeks we were "reconciling" he was still carrying on an email relationship with her, with a few phone calls sprinkled throughout. He deleted all the emails so I can't read them but he claims it was his way of letting her go. Of venting all his feelings. Basically when OWH's found out about the sex, he made her tell him everything. She then completely broke things off because OWH said if she didn't it was completely over for him. WH is DEFINITELY more into her than she him. And there is literally nothing else he can tell me. He showed me all Skype, emails, everything. Is willing to change his phone numbers. I feel its just too little, too late. He said he couldn't just let her go cold turkey, that he had to slowly let her go. But all of a sudden he wants me more than life itself, loves me more than life itself.

I don't know what to do from here. I feel like our whole marriage is a sham. He told me 6 years ago, he fell in love with her, she rejected him, and he carried on in our marriage. Then they had a platonic friendship until it turned into this emotional affair in July. I don't know who this person is. He's such a good man, good father and he was able to lie to my face. Hurt me while I put myself out there again, willing to trust him.

I truly feel I need to move on. I don't think I have it in me to follow MB. He lied to me, again and again, to my face. Swore on our children's lives that he wasn't talking to her. I stupidly took him at his word. You guys were completely 100% spot on.

Perhaps in the future, when the hurt goes away, we can attempt a reconciliation. When the bitterness passes. But right now, I feel like I'm settled for. Had OW not deleted the account, I don't believe there's any way WH would have done it on his own. He claims he's completely over her now (well yeah, since she told him there's no chance they can be together). I'm just so, so sad that our three very young children will suffer because of this. They are only 4, 2 and 7 months.

Is it ok to direct him to this thread now? He said he wants to learn more. Perhaps you guys can tell him how to completely let this girl go so he doesn't ruin future relationships.

Oh, yes. He totally wants you back now that she no longer wants him. You are the only thing ever!

Whether he is truly remorseful or not...this is 100% up to you. What do YOU want to do?

I'm so sorry you are going through this, toomuch. I feel your pain. I've been in your shoes, as have many others here. It is so hard to know that someone that you love and trusted with your life can lie so easily. My WH also "swore on his kids' lives."

Of course, the choice is yours whether or not to reconcile and try to recover your marriage using MB principles. It can be done, though. There are many success stories here.

Personally, I would not direct him to your thread. I would let him read SAA, though. Of course, if he is not out of the fog yet, nothing he reads will have any influence on him.

Hugs to you.

He can let the girl go if you will EXPOSE THE AFFAIR. THE AFFAIR IS NOT OVER. The affair will continue as long as it is kept secret. EXPOSE his affair. CAll the husband TODAY and tell him everything. Tell him the affair is still ongoing and they have been in contact all this time and that they did have sex.

Did you save the emails to show the OWH?

Can you please stay focused and get this done??

You may or may not decide to end your marriage. You are too distraught to make that decision today. Whether or not you decide to save it, you still need to EXPOSE THE AFFAIR. Expose the affair and then make the decision later about saving your marriage.

And don't bring a wayward to this thread. It will make it impossible to kill the affair if you bring him here. Your husband is an ACtIVE WAYWARD.

The people here are pretty wise about wayward's actions. That is because there is nothing really new. They all act pretty much the same. It is the nature of the addiction. It is powerful and takes some real effort to break. There are many, many people here on MB who have broken up the affair and recovered the marriage.

ASAP, call the OWH on the phone and tell him about Monday's contact as well as whatever else you might know about emails and phone calls.

Do not tell your husband about this site. He will use the information to continue his affair and not recover your marriage.

If you have ANY inclination to recover the marriage, follow the MB plans. It is certainly possible to have a marriage that is better than it ever was.

If you decide you wish to divorce your husband, no one here would fault you. But, it is probably not a decision to make while you are still in shock from what has happened.

AM

Its an addiction just like any other. They all behave the exact same way until reality hits them like a bus. Very predictable. He is not trustworthy until he's through withdrawal. This stuff is straight out of the wayward scriptbook. We have former waywards helping on these boards who said and did all this.



You are letting your emotions rule the show and that is a DEADLY mistake. The way you feel today will be topsy turvy tomorrow. We call it the rollercoaster.

Your feelings are crippling you.

You're embarassed = no exposure = waywards privacy protected and affair flourishes. Kids get lovely new stepmum.

Your resentful = no action while your family is under attack.

No one is saying make a decision about the marriage today. That would be impossible. Your feelings will change daily. For more than a year. I'm not kidding.

If you "wait for the hurt to go away" without doing anything to STOP the attack upon you - you are simply going to get MORE hurt!!

This isn't going to go away. You need to deal with it now.

NOW. Even though you are bleeding, broken, embarassed, in shock and unsure.

Don't think we don't know how it feels.

Exposure isn't about you. Its a warfare strategy to protect your entire family.

Do this immediately. Don't let him suspect.

Let us know who your exposure targets are and how you will be exposing.

If you want to dump him, dump him further down the line. For now your job is to protect your family and unwaywardise your kids dad while you still have a shot.

The affair was exposed. To my family his family and all our friends. I talked to OWH on Tuesday to confirm he knew then today I talked to both OW and OWH at the same time to compare notes. The affair is definitely over. OWH gave her a pass to clear the air without repercussion and she told him everything. Showed him all the emails. Then together they deleted all the accounts. WH and OW were continually using one account to speak. And it was mostly WH just writing about his feelings and such. WH is the one who had trouble letting go. She was trying to guide him back to me because she would have felt guilty if we divorced because of her.

WH said this is what's helped him clear the fog. Shrug. Not really my problem while he goes through withdrawal. Basically he's wanted this girl for 6 years of our marriage. The minute she was receptive he sprang into action. I don't think I can live with that kind of insecurity. He claims this is what he needed to truly get over her. That he can finally let her go. Unfortunately it came at a very high price.

But yes bottom line- affair is EXPOSED! To all who matter. And the affair is over. She was done with it 3 weeks ago when it first got exposed but WH was trying to hang on.

The only thing I didn't expose was the sex part to my family. Because they will make me leave him no questions asked. They will pressure me to find someone else. They all know it was an emotional affair I just didn't tell them when I found out about the physical. Not to protect him. But because I will have zero support.

Sd, she was not over it at all. She continued the affair all this time. At least now you know why your husband would not send the nc letter, he had no intention of ending the affair and the OW was allowing it to continue. This was very 2 sided.

And I hope you laughed when the OW gave you that stupid excuse of "trying to lead him back." That liar led him AWAY from your marriage by having an affair with him, so her excuse is ludicrous. If she cared about his marriage she wouldn't have had an affair in the first place.

Your husband is not out of the fog and the reason is BECAUSE he has been in constant contact with that skank.

This is the oldest OW trick in the book!!! I bet she said all that with her lashes veilling her eyes right before jumping into bed with him. Men don't like easy, blatant, coldblooded whoores so they learn how to fake a conscience and act like they've been swept off their feet. And she was, probably. Still is, certainly. Doesn't change a thing.

The A is still on in spite of her conscience, because it never stopped her before and she is doing a great job of keeping it secret.

They should know exactly what you are dealing with so they can decide for themselves if they want to support your marriage. Hiding facts from them in the belief you can trick them I to supporting your marriage is not honest and it is not fair. Your husband can explain to them why he lied about it. Don't enable him n hiding from the consequences of his affair. Everyone should know what he did. That helps HIM become a better man.

Will your husband now send the NC letter to that old wh*re?

"The affair is definitely over."

Talk is cheap with a wayward. Only his actions will prove if it is really over this time.