Everyone thinks this. But really, you have no idea. Because you've never asked them to support an MB Plan, you've never seen how they would respond to a truly repentant former wayward MBer .. They've never met one.

My family never got to meet one either. My WH never showed remorse.

When my family found out, they wanted me to leave him right away. Especially my dad, who had never liked him.

I embarked on Plan A and I DID have the support, if not the agreement of my family. They bled for me on seeing my pain.

I explained to them that I was NOT interested in taking him back unless he agreed to MB conditions. Even my dad said he would be impressed if WH agreed to them, because they are so strict.

And even if they remain skeptical. THATS GOOD. Your H DESERVES to lose their trust. He needs to earn it back slowly with hard graft. That's his job.

Your family love you. They want to hear about your plan to protect yourself and the family. They don't want to find out the truth accidentally, as the truth will always out when it is hidden. Don't lie to them.

They will CERTAINLY lose faith in you if you lie.

Yep, they are grown ups and you need to respect their right to make their own individual decisions with ALL the facts. Just like you would want to have all the facts to make your decision.

They do not have to support the idea of you staying in the marriage, and it's wrong to try to control them and make them do what you want.

This is a very important question? What is your husband's answer?

I agree that OW's words about leading your husband back to you was laughable. When you think about it, it is so silly. And it was said for HER husband's benefit, not for you.

I agree about telling your family. My brother wanted me to divorce my H. When I told him that I wasn't ready, he supported me. Today he and my H are good friends.

AM

SD, you are being batted around the same old pinball machine that all BSs without a plan find themselves in.

WS: "I love you. Its over. No need to send her an NC letter"

Ping!!!

BS: "You've been talking to her this whole time? And lying? I am so broken I need to lie down and wait for the hurt to stop"

Ping!!!!

OW: "I am done with him. It was all him. I am leading him back to her. You BSs don't need to keep a close eye on me because it was all HIM!!!"

Ping!!!

BS: "everyone, WH and OW were having an affair"

Everyone: "Was it sexual? We need to know."

BS: "Uh no".

Ping!!!!!!

Stop letting the waywards, fear, embarassment and your heartbreak ping you around!

You are in a stormy place, with very little visibility. Stick to the MB path and you will come through this one way or another.

He agreed to send NC letter. We are doing that tonight.

ok, do you have a keylogger on the computer he was contacting that skank on? What about his cell phone? Do you have spyware on that? You need to watch his every move!

How was he contacting that ho?

I can't put keylogger on his iPhone because its not jailbroken. I'll put keylogger on his computer. Given there's no more contact how should I proceed? I'm swinging madly between wanting to make it work and wanting him to leave.

You can ask for his password for his iphone. Ask him for ALL of his passwords. Just tell him that would make you feel safer if you have the freedom to check. Then when he goes to sleep, you can grab his iphone and install spyware on it.

A good keylogger for his computer is eblaster and I will go do a quick search on spyware for the iphone.

We don't know if there is no more contact yet. I would stay focused on watching him to see if it really ends.

Here is an iphone spystick that will retreive deleted messages: http://www.brickhousesecurity.com/c...phone+data+recovery.do?green=17483872245

And here is some spyware for iphone. The price ranges from $49.95 to the pro version at $85. The cheaper version looks like it would have everything you need with call logs, GPS, text logs. http://www.spybubble.com/cell-phone-monitoring-software.php

Also, I think you can download everything, call logs, texts into itunes from that phone.

That's normal, don't worry. The plan will get you to the best place to make a decision.

How about exposure?

Just a quick tip, if you need to hide the money for the spyware. You dont want him to know you bought it.
Buy a prepaid credit card at the grocery store and add money to it each time you shop. Then you can use that to buy the spyware.

Smart thinking!

Hi All,

Well its been a hell of a week. WH and I are trying to work on it. He's been doing everything by the book- accounting for his where abouts, answering any questions I need, reading SAA, agreeing to any conditions I ask of him. He says the fog has completely lifted and he sees OW for what she is- a manipulative [censored] who strung him along for years. I reactivated the email account so I could see for myself all the emails going on, and she pretty much would pop into his life every 2-4 months saying things like "Just wanted to say I miss you and how's life going" "I had a dream about us" etc. I wish he was strong enough to tell me about this secret account so I could have told him exactly what she was doing all along. She's one of those women who needs to have her worth validated by men, and unfortunately I think WH was the safest one to have an affair with since he knows nobody in her real life. Definitely NOT an excuse for what he did, but it gives me a little insight into how it happened. And I fully admit my part in making our marriage vulnerable with my (many) LBs. But again, he should have been stronger.

He has been back 100%, both physically and mentally. He confessed every single last detail last Friday and since then has given me open access to anything I want to know. He deleted all accounts, Skype (even his work Skype), etc. He has given me full access to anything and has told me how he was able to continue the affair the last 3 weeks. And he said it was his way of letting her go, that he wasn't able to do it cold turkey. He even found a picture of her she had sent him last week buried in his computer and called me over to show me before he deleted it. The whole 3 weeks, he had been telling me he still had feelings for her, he was trying to let her go, etc but couldn't tell me when he'd be able to (thus the cause of my original post). Well crap hit the fan last Thursday when I called OW and we compared notes. He walked in on us talking on the phone and he said something inside of him just snapped. He looked broken. Later he told me its because the reality of what he did finally hit him- up to that point he had been justifying all his actions. He told me he was a POS and I deserved better than him and he had a bit of a break down. The next day, he went to his office and cleared out ALL remnants of her from his life- odd Christmas cards she had sent, notes, etc. He also threw away all names and passwords of email accounts he had forwarded the emails to so he knew it wouldn't loom over him. He said his view of her had changed (while on the phone she told me many unnecessary details that was hurtful to hear, just things to show how intimate their relationship was) and she blatantly lied to me (and her husband!) about things like the sex being unprotected, she never told him ILY during the final 3 weeks, etc. I let WH see the texts for himself and he was so upset. Said it's one thing for him to hurt me because he did it unintentionally but she was just being malicious and not who he thought she was. He showed me an email that she told him to basically hang around waiting for her while she tries to work on her marriage and she'll "catch up with him in the future." Ended the email with she'll always love and miss him.

He sent her no contact text (he was so angry he wanted her to get it right away). Deleted her from his life. Said he sees her for who she really was. He is remorseful but says this is also the best he's felt in a long time- that he finally able to completely let her go. He has said all along this is something he has to do for himself. Which I was on board with 100% because even if our marriage doesn't work out, I don't want this woman to continue to play him for 14 more years.

My problem now is... I can't let it go. He really wants to work and so do I. I truly feel he's back with me 100%. He's agreed to any condition I ask which has been:

1. Send no contact (done)
2. Change work and cell phones (already put in requests)
3. Read SAA and various articles on this site (in process)
4. Apologize to our friends and family (not done yet, he's deciding what to say)
5. Give me full access to everything, switch phones with me if I want (done)


I read SAA. I know Dr. H says to throw yourself into the recovery phase and meeting each other's ENs. I KNOW I can meet every one of his EN and he can meet mine. I KNOW if we get past this, we will be one of those couples who says this is the best thing that ever happened to them. I just can't bridge the gap between now and then. I can't see myself- allowing myself- to love someone who hurt me so deliberately. I read the book, I see how it was truly an addiction. He even laughed last night as he read how once you take away the passion, you see the affair for how silly it is which he said was so true. I just don't know how to let it go. Random thoughts will pop into my head. I can't stop comparing myself to her. I can't stop comparing how he felt about her to how he feels about me. I can't stop comparing things he's told her to things he's told me. I can't stop thinking that I've never inspired such passion in him for him to throw away his family for. I'm scared to let him back in, to get my hopes up about a reconciliation in case something happens again. I know the affair is 100% over, its just hard for me to accept that he has zero feelings for her. I know he wouldn't lie about it now as he hasn't lied about it for 4 weeks. Its just scary- taking a leap of faith in someone I have very little faith in right now. I know what Dr. H says to do and even WH told me to go through the motions now and feelings will follow. And its not even that I don't love him- its that I DO love WH that I'm scared what he can do to me again. He's been browsing the forums as well and he was the one who told me to come on here to post my feelings to get some support. He doesn't know I had posted a thread on here before. He told me to look through the forum and see all the couples who made it. He believes 100% that we will come out of the other end of this okay. He said he's willing to fight and do all the work now if I don't feel strong enough to. I want to. I just don't know how.

Are you signed up for the MB online course?

No we haven't signed up yet. I can't bring myself to recommit again.

Forgot to say he's working on his list of EPs as well.

You're probably numb and it will take some to feel that. Feelings will follow actions. Dr Harley is about plans.

Post his list of EPs on here

Also what were the conditions that allowed his affair? Have these
been eliminated?

A no contact TEXT?

That is an immediate form of contact that can be sent in a fit of anger - and it was!!!

HE writes the NC letter, soberly and in respect of you, not anger at his mistress and YOU send it.

When she gets it, she can't respond as ALL contact details are changed.

Be careful of blaming her. They both fed each others weakness.

Exposure of OW done? Full exposure to everyone including children?

Meeting ENs is nowhere near as important as creating EPs right now. ENs are the furniture, the entertainment system. EPs are the roof and the walls.

This comment worries me. It sounds like he is blaming her for his infidelity. That's wrong - he CHOSE to be unfaithful. He needs to take ownership of his infidelity. Have you screened his work computer to confirm this? It doesn't matter what OW's issues are. She should be immaterial to you. To give her any credence regarding her issues gives her a prominence she doesn't deserve. She's just a piece of trash with no boundaries who has no respect for marriage. Your concern needs to be the fact that your husband made the decision to indulge in an extramarital affair. That's all on him. This sounds like a 'new convert' to sobriety. Be careful, toomuch. It sounds like your WH wants to end things, but this sounds a little too easy.

Have you spoken with her husband yourself?

Yes I agree the blame is all on him. There is absolutely no excuse for his indiscretion (my LBs included). He takes full responsibility for jeopardizing both families. I was the one who noticed her stringing him along and told him. He tells me he completely accepts responsibility for what he did to me, our family and our marriage. He has never told me he was completely over her until last week. My gut tells me he's telling the truth- it would have been easy for him to tell me he was over her and had no feelings from the get go but he never did. For the first 3 weeks of our "false recovery" he was honest in that he wasn't over her and still had feelings for her. I don't know though, because I trust your guys' opinions. You called him out before (and my gut back then knew something more was going on). But my gut tells me he's really done with her and is being truthful now. If he isn't, or I'm wrong, then this wouldn't be a person I'd want to remain married to anyway. I knew something was going on throughout the affair. And felt he was holding back during the first 3 weeks of false recovery. Unless hes been a master deceptive for the past 14 years, I believe with my heart he's telling the truth. Now my head is another story...it's full of skeptism at his words. And he knows his words are dirt now, so he said he will prove it all with his actions. But again, if he's lying now he's not someone I'd want to be with anyway. Not after everything he's put me through.

As far as OWH yes I've talked to him on the phone. She pretty much threw him under the bus and blamed him for the whole thing. Her husband just wants to stick his head in the sand and move on. I've exposed the affair to our friends and family (including sex) and he is going to apologize. I didn't expose to our children because the oldest is 4.

He is working on his EPs. He knows how important it is to cover all the bases. I think he just finished the section explaining them, as well as reading the Papa Bear thread about them.