I do plan on confronting him with the emails and laying out conditions but I have to figure out just what those conditions are. At this point I have to take away all electronic devices from him...his phone, laptop, computer, tablet. that still leaves my older sons laptop and tablet and my younger son's laptop and desktop that I would have to put on lock down with a password.

He does not know that I got any emails from her, I had emailed the messages, printed them out and deleted them. it was only after that when he disabled my account. He has been emailing and talking to me throughout the day just as happy and unsuspecting as can be. Like I said, he has the secret email now and that is usually when everything starts to happen again only I am finding out about the email at the beginning when he created it and not at the end when he has been talking to women for months. I may still be okay with most of my plan.

You're fine.

It doesn't matter if you no longer have the original emails. You don't have to "prove" to him that he's being inappropriate. He already knows it.

I have all the printouts so I am good there but I think I can salvage some of my plan which is to monitor his secret email and see what else is going on if anything and installing the eblaster on his phone to monitor him that way. I am going to play it cool now and act as if our life is normal as always and keep the email printouts at work where he cannot find them until I confront him with them

I'd keep it at a bank security deposit or other such place when you can -- but work is fine for the moment.

So what is your plan exactly?

Are you planning on exposing?

I would not frame it as if you are taking anything away from him. Just let him know that the only way you would be agreeable to staying with him if he gives up all access to any computers, devices, smartphones, etc.

No opposite sex friendships and complete accountability for all his time. Obviously, he can't be home when you are not there so he needs to get on the same shift as you.

Additionally, he would need to give you all the pertinent information about his previous affairs and whore mongering activities, including dates, names, everything. After that, he needs to pass a polygraph.

The last condition would be to commit to the Marriage Builders program and restore the love in your marriage.

Just tell him you would be willing to give him an opportunity to earn your forgiveness and these are the things it would take. Otherwise there is nothing here to save and you will seek a divorce.

I suspect he has had other women in your house and would strongly urge you to get tested for STDs.

He's in the military. Wouldn't that be a good step for her to use also?

JEF has refused to get the military involved. She does not want her H's command to know what he is doing.

ETA this T/J: JEF's H has 18 years in the military and my H had nearly 30. One reason affairs flourish in the military is the tolerance of senior leaders for adultery. They are having affairs themselves and are unlikely to investigate anything that anyone else is doing.

AM

The known actions her husband has undertaken at this point do not rise to the level of forced separation from the military. If he has a particularly bad record, the most that could be expected would be a formal reprimand, and that primarily for using government resources for personal purposes.

If he continues down the path he's heading, he will put his career, retriement, and all of JEF's family plan in jeopardy. Better to get his command involved in stopping him now, rather than let it escalate.

Regardless of what his seniors may or may not be involved in, when the poo hits the fan in a public way, it's every man for himself. If JEF's WH gets caught in some situation that casts a bad light on the Navy, or is a violation of the UCMJ (as is adultery), and it becomes public knowledge, JEF's WH will be forcibly thrown under the bus (or frigate, or destroyer, or aircraft carrier; whatever the squids throw each other under . . .).

JEF, your WH's BEHAVIOR is putting your family in jeopardy, not your reporting of his behavior.

This is my last attempt to get you to do the rational, sensible thing that's MOST LIKELY TO PUT A STOP TO THE BEHAVIOR WITH THE LEAST NEGATIVE IMPACT!

If this situation were to escalate to non-judicial punishment, expect forfeiture of pay and permamnent reduction in rank, which WILL affect his retirement!

Update: I did confront him this weekend about everything. He agrees to be totally transparent and I told him that would involve eblaster on all computers in the house and for his phone as well. He says that he knows he needs help because he likes talking to other people on the internet. While he swears there has never been a meeting that is something that I do not have proof of and I guess I take him at his word. He said that he sets up meetings all the time when the internet chats escalate but he always stands them up and doesn't meet them or cancels the meeting. He is agreeing to start councelling as soon as possible. If there is anything else anyone can think of that I may be missing as far as what I should be putting in place as conditions please let me know.

His knowing about it kind of negates its usefulness, but you cannot really unring that bell other than to not mention it again hoping that he'll think you've forgotten about it.

Install it anyways but don't tell him about it. If you need a discrete way to pay for it, pay cash for one of those Visa/Amex giftcards from a pharmacy and use it. When asked where the cash went, say it went to certain feminine products and he'll drop it.

No.
Do not take him at "his word"
His word doesn't mean anything.
Schedule a polygraph

I would forgo counseling altogether because that may just very well wreck your marriage entirely. Ic will help him achieve personal goals at the expense of your marriage.

And you don't have to take his word for it. I don't believe for 2 seconds, but you don't have to take my word for it. If you want to see him sing like canary, call around and schedule an appointment with a reputable polygrapher. Two days before the test, hand your husband a list of questions and tell him he has an appointment with a polygraph tester and you are giving him ONE LAST CHANCE to come clean before the test by answering all your questions honestly. And that he had better pass the test.

You will see him sing like a canary and you will find out a lot of things.

Also, installing eblaster on all the computers doesn't really solve the problem because he can easily disable it. The problem is that he is on a computer AT ALL when you are not there. He needs to get off the computer completely.

He should also eliminate all opposite sex friendships and adhere to extraordinary precautions.

I did not order the eblaster for any of the computers actually. I think I mistyped my update. He told me to put anything on the computers or phone that I needed to be ensure that he was not doing anything wrong any longer and I told him that we could not afford to do that.

Gotcha! I would insist he just stay off the computers altogether unless you are right there. I would password protect your computer. He can also trade in his smart phone for a dumb phone.

Thank you for your advice. I will look into a polygraph. I am not sure how councelling will do any more damage. I think he needs help. I don't know how to keep him off the computer, he is on it all the time and home and at work and even in the car on his phone he is on there. I can't watch him every minute of the day. I am not worried about the councelling anyway, he always tells me he will get help or seek councelling and makes the appointment then either "forgets" the appointment or does not show up.

Counseling is a waste of time. He does need HELP - FROM YOU - he needs you to start holding him accountable and STOP putting up with this crap!! When you have no boundaries at all, he will continue to do what he can get away with. You have no conditions and as long as that is the case, I guarantee you nothing will change.

What will help your marriage is getting him off the computers. You HAVE to make this a condition or your marriage will not recover. Your husband is actively trolling for women and unless he STOPS the means by which he trolls and makes a dramatic 180 degree change, it will not stop.

Nothing has changed. Nothing. So unless you are willing to sit by while he continues to troll for chicks and invites them to your home, then you have a big problem.

Your husband is dangerous and unless he makes a radical 180 degree change, your future will be a series of affairs. Are you willing to go along with that?

His knowing that you cannot readily do this with his work computer or hidden cell makes it so much easier for him to "offer" this to you.

None of this will stop until you get fed up enough to set definite consequences for bad behavior and then follow through with them.