SO much great advise here CN. These people know exactly how this works because they have lived it and have studied the applied version of Surviving an Affair by DOING just that: SURVIVING.

Our greatest wish here is for you and your little darlings.

That you SURVIVE this.

And come out the other side in comparatively good mental, emotional,physical and even financial shape.

What did he say? And how did you respond?

Completely.

I don't think so. I think he's upset because his fantasy is being blown away. I don't think he ever planned to run off with OW.

CN, have you given him your list of requirements to remain in the marriage?

WHs aren't the sort, usually, to want to run away with their OW. They usually want to have wifey and family, and OW on the side.

I am definitely ready to make my list of demands, but he's so lost in the fog, he'd disagree to everything.

The only thing is, he has nowhere to go. He would have to stay in the house with me. And I'm not gonna leave the house. He could possibly go to his paren'ts house, but he isn't speaking to his mom right now. So I don't know if that would go too well.

We don't have the money for him to go to a hotel or to rent an apartment. And his friend is living with his father.

So what would I do then? I'd have him furious with me and unwilling to agree to my terms but he'd be stuck in the house with me.

He'll have to leave, because you sure aren't. And so what if he doesn't have the money--he's the one cheating, HE is the one with the problem, he can figure it out by himself.

Good point. Though I wondered about that since this WH had insisted on wife and children leaving the family home. I wondered if his fantasy was the OW joining him there.

He clearly wanted to get CnAmry out of the family home. And in fact had already achieved that goal.

Still, you both certainly have a much better grasp of the subject than do I so I will defer to your judgement.

Cn,

You have been brave and strong to get this far. And will need to drink a bucket of concrete to do this next part.

Where he goes to is his problem. Something WH has to solve as part of the consequences of his prior choices and actions.

It is vital he deal with this and other unpleasant consequences.

You submit the list. KNOWING he will not agree. Can you change the locks when he is out and leave the list on the door. You may need to be ready to call the police if he makes a scene.

A plan for money to be set aside for your use will need to be made first too I should think.

Tell us, experienced people, how is it all best done ?

I have no income, how do I save with all our spare money going toward his splurge (his new car that OW said she'd pay for)???

I agree, he will have to leave, but will the cops be on my side, if no paperwork has been filed??

There must be a way to afford the lawyer to file the papers to get WH out. Then he can choose to pay up to cover your costs or get his stuff together, agree wholeheartedly to all conditions and come home.

In any case this affair has already cost you a great deal in dollar terms alone. So hiring a lawyer will be cutting costs. The affair will not cost you less as time goes on.

But of course the vets have seen it all before and will have more / better ideas so I am eager to read their replies.

Calling all vets > More direction needed here >

I think we need some 'possibility' thinking. Perhaps there is some way you can start to bring in SOME income.

Is it possible you could do some babysitting/childcare in your own home for preschool age children.

Do you have anything you could teach to children from other families in exchange for payment. Homeschooling mums often have great strengths as tutors. What about offering to tutor (in your home so 3 yo is able to be with you) in the subjects that you are most comfortable. The students might be attending school but just need a little extra help.

What about after school care? Perhaps a chauffeur service to various after school activities that your child/children already attend.

Hi Cn,

How is it going for you ?

Well, I demanded he end all contact and he said no he couldn't do that. I have told him that he needed to move out. He wanted to continue to live under the same roof and be "roommates" for the sake of our kids. He says that he doesn't want to work on us. But I am pretty sure when he realizes that OW is never going to leave her husband, he will be left hanging on to her little thread and it'll blow up in his face. So we are now in Plan B. Only good thing is that he has agreed to pay for all the bills and not separate the finances. At least he's being smart in that regards.

I hope this works!

How are you in Plan B living under the same roof?

Did you finish exposure?

This is not Plan B

You are NOT doing MARRIAGE BUILDERS.

Your marriage will not recover at all (though you may think it does for a while) unless you start to follow these principles.

I see why you are not posting. No point using this board if you are not following Marriage Builders.

You are choosing to ensure the long term failure of your family

You are choosing your own mental health breakdown

You need to roll up your sleeves and
do the hard work of putting this cheater out in the street
so that you and the little ones can begin a recovery
which he may or may not join in when/if he is ready.

NO EXCUSES can be accepted.

We are here to stand for the recovery of your marriage if possible
And, independently of that M recovery,
FULL mental/emotional health for you (also known as personal recovery).

Your children deserve to be in a home of harmony with a sane mom. That cannot happen with this cheater under the roof.

We are no longer under the same roof. He has moved into his parents house. I told him that since he refuses to stop talking to the OW, he can't live with us any more.

I finished exposure. I sent the letter to the OW BH. Her BH hasn't done anything to stop contact. I told my WH parents about the EA and of course they believe my WH about him not having an EA. They are still trying to get my WH to work on our marriage, but they don't think that he is having an EA, so they don't have all the facts. I have even told our neighbors about it.

My WH is very much surrounded by the fog. He doesn't see the EA affecting our marriage, he says that they are "just friends", but I know that it has affected his feelings for me. He doesn't really want to see or talk to me right now, but that's because he talks to the OW. Though he isn't seeing her, cause my in laws have told me that he comes home everyday from work around the same time. I check the phone records and he is still in contact with her everyday. At least once a day for 40-45 minutes.

I haven't stopped him from seeing the boys. Which he wants to do everyday. He comes over to the house and spends time with our boys. I usually stay upstairs while he is spending time with the kids. I am currently looking for a job, but haven't been able to find anything yet. He has agreed to keep our finances the way that they are. So we are separated, but we have not filed any paperwork as of yet.

That's because he is getting a good family fix. I would bet money that if you filed for divorce the finances would NOT be so easily decided. WSs do tend to get nasty about finances eventually.

In agreement with karmarose that you might want to secure/file for some financial means.

Have you sent the phone records to WH's parents and show them how much they are talking? Ask them, how is this not an EA?