Does anyone know of a good website support group for those needing advice dealing with their inlaws? I have had numerous problems with my MIL, boundaries with my H, etc., after moving back to our home town a couple of years ago. It is affecting our marriage and I need some help.

I've tried posting my issues here, but did get some snarky feedback - such as this is not inlaw builders, etc.

Is anyone else having troubles with their inlaws that has some ideas where I should go for help? While I would still come here for marriage building ideas, I first need to work on other pressing issues from the outside into our marriage...

Thanks for your help.

How do you feel about the OTHER responses that were given to you? People want to help you (and gave you great advice), but if you refuse to recognize that your lack of recovery after an affair/poor MB principles is the true root of the problem, then I'm not sure what you are looking for. I understand you likely feel that your MIL is the cause of most of these problems but you seem to want the answer that you want, and not what the answer really is.

That is not meant to be a "snarky" response, it is genuine. Because you said "this is not inlaw builders" was one quick response, and you don't seem to have any response to the other long/indepth answers which people wrote to you.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2608926&page=2

Thanks Alis.

Yes, you are right, I did go back through my other posts and the great advice on the last thread, and it is my fault for becoming defensive to one poster while not following the great advice of others. I think I will go back to that original thread and try to work from my marriage from the inside-out, following the good advice here and trying not to obsess with the MIL issues.

Do you know how I can delete this thread and merge with my other one? I should have gone through the advice from the last time rather than posting a new thread.

Sorry to be so reactive, I just had another bad experience with my MIL last night and am just focusing on that instead of the bigger, underlying issues.

Thanks, and I'll try not to become defensive again.

Colorpink, yes, the policy of joint agreement will give you the skills for you and your husband to deal with inlaws. Dr. Harley's approach is that you and your husband must present a united front when dealing with in-laws and be in enthusiastic agreement. Your marriage comes before relationships with relatives.

You will find lots of advice about this subject here. Also, the book Lovebusters has an entire chapter on this subject. Here is one such article: The Mother-in-law

The problem is not your in-laws, per se, but that you and your husband have never used to program to learn the necessary skills to deal with conflict. This program teaches people those skills. But...you have to use it!

Did you ever get the books I recommended to you a couple of years ago?

Thanks MelodyLane.

You are right, and you gave me great advice last time (several months back), which, I'm sorry, but I did not follow.

I am running around trying to put out the little fires while my "house is burning down" and will try to do better.

I will read through the last post and get the books you and others mentioned and will try to get on the road to real recovery. So, I will do my homework and will then start a new post.

Right now, I just wanted to vent without doing the hard work. Sorry about that.

Thanks, as always, for your great advice.

Good girl!! And please read that article I just posted. Many others here have problems with their inlaws and they have used the measures outlined in that article. I know it seems like a lot of work, but learning this program will make an amazing difference in your marriage. I promise you!

I did quickly read the article you posted about MILs. I feel for that woman, as my MIL is a widow, my H is her oldest son, and we are the only family of her grown children that lives in the same town.

It seems a little daunting, the work before us. Even that article, as I can't imagine having my H ask my permission to even talk to her on the phone without my enthusiastic agreement, much less having her come on one of our family vacations because she invites herself, or my H invites her and I agree out of guilt...

But I will try to start with small steps instead of being overwhelmed by all of the work that needs to be done... It is very daunting.

Thanks again.

Just dive into it, CP! It is much more daunting to face a lifetime in a bad marriage. The point is that you can't solve specific dilemmas unless you both learn the negotiation skills.

Educate yourself on this program and then we can help you SELL it to your husband.

Here are some good clips on in-laws. Tell us what you think.
Radio clip on In-laws
Radio clip In-laws

Thank you, ML and Brian! I promise that I will do the hard work for my marriage. It is daunting, but I am going to do the work and get on the road to recovery.

These articles and clips on inlaws do help for the short term, thank you!

I do need some quick advice, if you don't mind, as my MIL always tries to get in little barbs to hurt me. I have to do my best with her, with the holidays and family get togethers approaching, and am feeling overwhelmed with that as well. I am pretty sensitive and caring of what others think, and she plays on that. Because of that, I need to find a way to be more assertive with her, and (as I learned in the Assertive Communication Skills CD I recently ordered from Dr. Nick Lazaris), part of being assertive is standing up for yourself every time someone says something to hurt you, whether they mean it or not, so that it does not build into resentment...

So, as I work to get on the road to recovery in my marriage, I also have to work on my assertiveness with everyone, but my MIL gives me the biggest challenge...

Anyway, she called my H the other day when she was trying to get a hold of me, and complained to him that I wasn't answering my phone... My H is good about not telling me when others talk about me behind my back or vice-versa, so I only heard this from her. It's weird and unnecessary, but she tells me what she says to him things that she tells me "may come across as complaining..." For example, she said something to me a few days ago like, "I wasn't trying to complain about you when I called XXX and said you weren't answering your phone..."

Well, anyway, it still bothers me a few days later because she is always saying little negative things to me and behind my back (my kids hear her talk negatively about me all the time as well)...

So, while I had no idea what to say at the time to defend myself, I've now thought of something and wanted your advice whether I should tell her the following. Please give me your honest feedback, as always . Maybe it is too late for this one, and I should try to let things go instead of defending myself every time...

This is what I want to tell her now:
You told me that you felt bad the other day, how you said to XXX something like "XXX is not answering her phone" and didn�t mean to sound like you were complaining about me. I just wanted to say that I don't think XXX took it that way. Even if he did, he wouldn't repeat things that others have said that maybe have come across the wrong way and would be hurtful; you raised him well.

Your honest feedback is appreciated, even if you think I am being childish or too sensitive. I will try not to get defensive. As you see, I do tend to let all of the little barbs hurt me and build up, then I overreact when I haven't stood up for myself, and the cycle continues...

I realize I am obsessing about my MIL and little fires now and want to delete the previous post, but can't... Please just disregard my request for advice. I'm going to let her latest insult to me go and try to deal with the issues in a POJA w/my H. I am making what she thinks and says more important than it should be...

SORRY...

Will look at the materials suggested and post a new thread about a road to recovery in my marriage.

Thanks for your patience and sorry to be a pest...

***EDIT***