So here I am again. Seven years ago I was here when my brother in law committed suicide and my husband decided it was his place to help my sister in law and hop in bed with her as well. At that time he left me for three months, my heart hurt so much, he swore he was not coming back. Well he did and I welcomed him back way to fast.

So now we fast forward to present day. Our life has been incredible and we bought our dream home, he had a really good job and we could see our retirement in view and best of all my trust was completely restored! A friend who works five hours north kept calling and offering him a job earning double what he earned, the catch was he would be away for ten days then home for ten days. At first he would laugh it off. In June he decided to stand up to his boss and would not back down...you guessed it he got fired. Ironically within minutes this other guy was on the phone offering the job again.

He went into a deep deep depression for a month and a half and took the position up north in mid July. He would call me two or three times a day and couldn't wait to get through his set and come home. Suddenly about mid October things changed, his calls were less and few texts, he would stay up north for extra day or so, for work he would say. When he was home he was constantly texting on the phone and wouldn't put his phone out of arms reach. When I say constant I mean probably 100msgs from supper to bedtime. When I would ask about it he would say they like everybody to be in "the loop" so emails are constantly being sent. Yes, I'm getting suspicious. I'd ask if I should worry his reply was always "we are solid, I love you!"


So on Dec 8 we took our 26 year old daughter to show her our home in Palm Springs, as we took our seats I noticed he kept looking at his phone he got a MSG that said bye bye baby I love you! I was stunned....I said no way, not again...among other things. My daughter got upset and told me to just let it go and moved to new seat, letting it go was not an option. I sat for the trip holding in my emotions trying not to cry. About eight hours later we were finally alone and I could ask what was happening,his reply was he isn't happy, I'm not happy, he wants out ...he's done with it! I learned her name and that they work together, that she is also married and has two adult children as do we. the piece de resitance was he told me ha was "pretty sure that once he left me that she would leave her husband!". Obviously he did not plan on getting caught as he had no plan for what he was going to do with her, where he would live or anything. i truly believe had i not seen that text we would be together today.

Throughout our week we had moments of truce and would enjoy out time then others we were vile to each other...all the while he was still physical with me. We returned home on the 14th he left on the 16th to return to work, he wasn't sure if he would be back.

Over the coming weeks I called her but she would hang up so I would call back and leave her msgs at which time I would hear from him telling me to leave her alone...by text. Every three or four nights he would text an how are you and we would have a short chat just small talk about the kids.

He had to work over Christmas and with all this happening nobody in my home was very spirit filled, we all put on a facad for each other. I received a text Christmas morning asking if he could call.....I said of course. He did and we all had a nice talk with him, he wined about being alone...I guess "she" was busy with her family. He decided to come home on the 27th so we could have some family time. I had gifts for him, he had nothing....ouch big time. Thirty years and nothing. The first night he was home he had no interest in touching me which led to his confessing to being physical with her. We had a huge fight during which he screamed that I had better get a divorce filed cuz he wanted one ASAP. I told him he wants out he can do the dirty work. He left telling me I could explain to the kids how I made him leave, I said he can explain how he can't keep his zipper zipped... He was gone for an hour or so and our daughter begged him to come back, he agreed as long as I stayed in bed and he didn't see me.

Before going to sleep I sent him an apology for getting upset via text. The next day he met a friend for lunch while I was at work, our friend must have asked him to do his texting in private as it is really disrespectful. When I got home we agreed to watch a movie while we waited for the kids to get home from work. I didn't look at him but I did not hear him texting. The afternoon and evening were really nice. We played cards, had a few drinks as if we were actually having a Christmas Eve. The next morning he woke me up and invited me to join him for a hot tub, then he was excited to make his big family breakfast as he always loves doing this and I got a turkey on the go. Things were so nice you wouldn't know there was a problem., supper was fantastic and we had a nice evening watching movies.

I asked if his lack of texting was on purpose and he said yes, I thanked him for that and told him I appreciate it. Sunday he was getting tense and short tempered like he was looking for trouble. I didn't bite but at bedtime I mentioned he had been pretty cranky all day, he apologized before going to sleep. The Monday Dec 31 I got up for work, he told me he would leave shortly after I left, I am going to Panama with my sister on the 15th so I asked if he would come to help out around home as his last day would be the tenth. His reply was I don't know, I love you goodbye....that was it! When I got home from work everything was as I left it, he packed nothing, is this what a man does when he leaves his wife? I was and am still very confused. He sent me a happy new year text at midnight, I replied with phone all saying I love him and its not to late to fix things...he just said goodnight. I haven't spoken with him since.....

I feel so lost, I don't know if there is anything to be hopeful for or to give up. A few days later I sent a few messages out to some people that were on her Facebook list before she deleted it and a couple people that I know work with them. I asked if anyone could help me contact her husband or give me his name. I got only one reply from a girl that they work with, she said no. I again sent her a msg asking for help saving my 30 year marriage and help me speak with her husband. She sent me a msg that said he knows everyone at work knows, it's all been accepted at work so she would not be helping me. When I got home that day my daughter was upset and said he called and told her he almost lost his job and is getting a restraining order ONI me.....I don't know how I have had zero contact since New Year's Eve. Talk about not involving the kids who have clearly asked to not be in the middle and listen to us talk badly about each other!

Tonight I asked my son if he knew if his dad would come to help while I'm gone he said nope not this set.....I said did he say why? His reply "who gives a f$&k. And here I sit, once again amid all of his belongings in our dream home wondering if I will ever hear from him and what is in his mind.... Ok...if anyone out there stayed long enough to read my ramble I am now open to questions and advice....one day I want him back they next I don't....help! Ps I am still looking for her husband but it has been very hard as they are in a different city and I know nothing about him.

I would strongly suggest you expose this affair in an effective and strategic way. Go read the Exposure 101 thread in my signature and formulate your plan. Go LARGE with a formal workplace exposure. Get ahold of the OW's husband and parents and expose to them along with her other facebook contacts.

After you do that, I would suggest you go into Plan B and file for separation so that he continues to support you.

Sorry you are here again. What was your previous posting name?

Can you hire a PI to get the details of OW and her BH along with solid evidence of an affair? This evidence may be useful if you at some point decide to file for divorce on grounds of adultery.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

your first step is to be cool as a cucumber. get as much information as you can an expose this affair to her family, your family and the workplace. especially the workplace! make sure you follow the info in mel's sig line so you do this right - it's not just about sharing info/getting your side out, it's also about asking for help. you've already seen what can happen when you don't do this - everything thinks the affair is just fine and accepts it (the work colleague's response). you need to make it clear that this bimbo is breaking up a family and long-term M, not to mention ruining the lives of her own BH and children. you need to find him asap. he can be a good ally for you.

i know getting away must seem like a dream holiday right now, but is there any way you can postpone your trip? you can't fight for your M from a thousand miles away.

Hi. I have contacted a few pi's but due to the proximity and remoteness of the work place the quotes I received were over 2000.00 which I cannot afford

So what is your plan? How will you expose this affair to the OW's husband and family? If this is not your first rodeo, you know how critical exposure is to recovery. So what is the plan?

I have been exposing every chance I can. As far as the other husband I have a number and am hoping that the man on the other end is her husband. I have left a msg on it asking him to return my call and called a few times with no answer, until I determine that this man has no connection to her I will keep trying!

Have you exposed to the workplace? To WHOM have you exposed?


What about her family members? Did you say she had a facebook page?

Have you tried other ways to reach him? What about google? What about reaching him at work? The more time that goes by, the more opportunity the OW has to pre-empt you.

Do you know where they live? Can you drive there and tell him?

I have exposed to the coworkers I could get in contact with, his supervisor and the president of the company

I have google had friends look up names in licensing, and water bill....nothing, I'm guessing they live in accommodations supplied by an employer and both have company phones. Being five hours away I am very limited as to wa
Hat I can do

I would send a formal letter to the Director of HR and cc the CEO and a key vice president. Have you read the exposure thread in my signature? It has a template letter in it.

I get the feeling that you are trying to pencil whip this step and are not taking it too seriously.

Is there a reason you can't travel there?

I did read it, thank you, however when I called the company regarding worksite affairs it was the president who retuned my call. He was very upset and said they have a code of conduct and are working on a policy he also said he was tired of this type thing happening. I can't go any height than that. wH told our daughter he was reprimanded because of my actions and may loose his job. Boohoo

It is a very dangerous e highway and my own work and family need me here. Winter conditions make for a very poor choice to go there

I would send a certified letter to the director of HR, the CEO and a key VP to make sure they know about it. Since nothing has been done your complaint may have been thrown away. Are you sure it was the CEO who called you?

Yes I returned a call to him

I just noticed in your signature that this is his FIFTH affair. Since you can't force him to change, you might want to accept that you can't change him and proceed accordingly by filing for divorce. There is nothing we can do to help in this kind of situation. Sometimes divorce is the definition of success and I would say this marriage falls into that category.

Sorry.

Wel. The number I thought was the ow husband was someone else who could not help me...fail. Icalled his sisters, who basically said they felt bad for me but loved their brother and didn't feel it was their place to get involved. His mother was very upset with him, they aren't very close but she intends to call and try to talk to him
Being in a different town and not knowing. Much about the life he has created in the five months he has been there. I have one last very week lead to try to contact the husband, tomorrow I will see if I can find success with it

I'm very sorry.
There have probably been other affairs you are unaware of.

Its a horrible painful experience and certainly not a way to live a life