how long do I wait for her to calm down and talk this through?

Wrong mind-set. The more relevant query would be, "What can I DO to show her that there will be an end to this stage?" And the answer is the entirety of the Plan A menu.

Who's doing the cooking right now? If you can, prepare a meal that you know she likes. Stay dressed well, groomed well, and appear positive and unresponsive to her venom (outside of "I did what.....") Leave MB literature around for her to see. Be positive and upbeat, but not...triumphant.

It could be a week. Like already said, your delaying exposure until she had possibly already started to see the light (at least as she interpreted the light) was...awkward. Still necessary, but a vector change that WW will have trouble accommodating.

The most important thing in your life right now is to ensure no re-contact between the APs. That should keep you fairly busy.

Yeah, I think Ive screwed this entire thing up I've probably sent her right back to the OM.

How did you screw this up? It sounds like this was a super exposure! You did a great job and it was very effective. She is angry because you killed her affair and that is a good reason!

How did she find out you had exposed?

Sir you are only able to control YOUR actions.
You cannot control her actions.
You CAN allow her to face the natural consequences of her behavior through exposure.

She will be angry about exposure. Nobody likes being exposed.
But exposure is the most effective tool for speeding up the death of an affair

Yeah, I think Ive screwed this entire thing up

No! There is no evidence that you've screwed anything up! The very fact that she is still enraged is EXACTLY the evidence that her feelings for POSOM were NOT dead at the time of exposure. She is angry at you for your efforts (total effectiveness TBD) to pull the crack-pipe from her.

Stay positive, dude! Let her fulminate to her heart's content. Continue to Plan A her and let her "new reality" sink in.

One word NUCLEAR! Noice. As they stated Plan A her. Do you own Lovebusters? If not get it buy it on the site or amazon read that. You'd be surprise on what you learn from that book. Keep reminding yourself she has an addiction like meth or crack and keep it up. Poem and flowers would be in order. Don't let your frustrations or anger show vent here and exercise. Clean up all the complaints she had in the past.

SBT,

Yeah, I think Ive screwed this entire thing up frown I've probably sent her right back to the OM.

Very unlikely, more likely OM does not want a WW tainted with scandal, neither he nor your WW know who knows and that's a good thing. Their garden of eden has been ravaged and a billboard reading ADULTERY had been put up in it's place.

More importantly you no longer have to carry around this awful secret about a crime you did not commit.

God Bless
Gamma

Sadbuttrue, can you tell us specifically how you have screwed up? We are all confused about why you think this.

Your looking at this all wrong. Example,

POSOM and WW are out eating. People you exposed to gossip and somehow most of the town knows. They ask your WW or talk behind her back about it. How awkward do you think the relationship will be when this constantly happens. It will deteriorate into a arguing fantasy that she or he will not want any part of. Most of these POSOM want a booty call or a friend with benefits. Destroy that and he will show his true colors to your WW and bail. Just my POV.

When last I posted here, I urged you to:

Stay positive, dude! Let her fulminate to her heart's content. Continue to Plan A her and let her "new reality" sink in.

What is going on? Did the national organization take action on your exposure?

Latest developments...

Things are better....WW has more-or-less recovered after the exposure sequence...in other news, POSOM's wife is divorcing him ASAP. I have been busily trying to meet WW's emotional needs, and she sent me a email the other day expressing her appreciation and joy that I was trying so hard...she noted every little thing I had been doing to improve things and she said she loved that I was being so thoughtful. We are scheduling lots of UA time and she says she's "falling in love with me again."

Biggest issue right now is her withdrawal symptoms...she is very honest and tells me how much she misses her "friend" and wonders how he's doing...I have been very good about being supportive, because I know its tough for her. I knew from MB that she will/would miss him terribly for a long time and that I need to keep Plan A in operation and provide for her what he had been providing.

Should I be doing anything else? I know this withdrawal will take time. How can I best support her withdrawal from "him" and best ensure that eventually its complete?

Keep doing what you have been doing. It will pass.

Very confusing post!

You ask the question: How can I best support her withdrawal from "him" and best ensure that eventually its complete?

after already giving the answer: I have been busily trying to meet WW's emotional needs, and she sent me a email the other day expressing her appreciation and joy that I was trying so hard...she noted every little thing I had been doing to improve things and she said she loved that I was being so thoughtful. We are scheduling lots of UA time and she says she's "falling in love with me again."



Dude, yours looks to be an incipient MB success story. My only admonition is to continually think "marathon", not "sprint"!!

Awesome I wish you well in your recovery. God bless your efforts!

Thanks for the support, guys. I reread my post and I don't want it to sound like its all roses or whatever...there have been setbacks, Im sure theres more to come. I've hit a few triggers and Ive had "angry outbursts" at her, which I know is a big no-no and I seriously regret....I'm fretting the NC part of this (as you can tell from my previous post) but there's only so much I can do and I have to deal with situations as they come.

Its amazing the rollercoaster of emotions, the hurt, the anger, the rage, the sadness, the regret and through it all the overwhelming desire to 'fix it all NOW!!" when the reality is, it takes so, so long - marathon not sprint is exactly right! But our relationship and our family is worth it.

I don't want it to sound like its all roses or whatever

It's funny you use that allusion, as once during our recovery I mentioned to Bride that it WAS all roses. The problem was that sometime I grabbed the THORNS!

You will ride the infidelity roller-coaster for a while, dude. Look for the worst to hit you about the six-month mark.

SBT2,
You are following the plan well; recovery is simply very difficult journey. There is no easy path. Remember that you have a right to be angry, and she should know that you are. She needs to feel the full impact of her decision so that she will learn never to do it again. However, you should not have angry outbursts or disrespectful judgments when your anger is expressed, and at some point--once everything is hashed out--you have to do your best to put it away and not bring up the affair. There will be triggers, but keep them under control. I can tell you understand the distinction. My point is simply to affirm the work you are doing.

You are demonstrating remarkable patience and discipline in dealing with her withdrawal. Good job! Just know that as you refill her love bank and as time elapses, the POSOM will diminish in her mind exponentially over time.

Keep filling her love bank!

SBT2

How goes your "marathon"? Has WW's fog lifted any more?

Well not much to report, I suppose. I'm doing my best to make the LB deposits and WW seems pretty responsive. My personal issue is just random trigger-moments that come out of nowhere...one min I'm fine, next my pulse is about 220 and Im crawling the wall...for no particular reason. Im trying to stay off the antianxiety pills (I hate pills of any type) but when these moments come I have no choice. I get these panic attacks about once every 4-5 days. I dont know why. Just nervous, I guess.

Ive always been a worrier and this sure plays right into that. Its nothing WW is doing or not doing, Im just anxious a lot.

Id say her fog is partially/mostly lifted...still not all the way there yet. PArt of the issue, I think, is that even after exposure there's not a lot of pressure from others...after that initial disapproval, etc....its faded into the background and everyone wants to act like nothing happened. Its probably a false impression on my part but its there.

Can you find it within yourself to schedule things that you've never done before? Miniature golf? A painting/cooking class? Anything that would start you together in a direction that has no "before" component?

You will benefit if your mind can be kept occupied by learning new skills while at the same time enjoying "low pressure" UA time. Piling new, pleasant memories onto your "stack" will work to keeping the other ones buried, also. In our case, I think I would have self-destructed without taking up golf with Bride. Two+ hours each 9-hole session, laughing at our lack of skill, celebrating our (rare) successes, went a long way to tamping down the mind-movies.

Think about it.