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How to really attract a balanced traditional masculine type of man?

Maybe because I am from another culture and living in the USA just for 15+ years I might be lost in how to go looking for what I want..maybe the picture I have about man, what he suppose to be, it doesn't exist anymore but it belongs to past generations..don't get me wrong, there are many nice men around, but just "nice" is not enough for me.






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Originally Posted by marcella12
How to really attract a balanced traditional masculine type of man?

Maybe because I am from another culture and living in the USA just for 15+ years I might be lost in how to go looking for what I want..maybe the picture I have about man, what he suppose to be, it doesn't exist anymore but it belongs to past generations..don't get me wrong, there are many nice men around, but just "nice" is not enough for me.
Welcome to MB.

There is a lot of excellent information here at MB. Since you're now single I would read these materials first.
Preparing for Marriage

This is an excellent read when you're in the dating world, and even when you aren't.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Yes indeed, thanks for the links..I am reading them.


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How do you attract a balanced person? You start off by BEING a balanced person. Take a hard look at yourself to make sure that you do not come off as aggressive or passive.

Second, get to know as many men as you possibly can. That will build your skillset for recognizing the indicators of balance and health (and their opposites).

Third, I would look a little closer at the idea that nice is not good enough for you. When you say that, what do you really mean by "nice" (because "passive" and "nice" are not the same things). Try to be specific with yourself about what you want, what you don't want, and what you absolutely will not tolerate.

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hello curious53, the emphasis I am looking for is not "balanced" alone but traditional masculine balance. I am 50 and grew up in a paternalistic family and love it!

There are some traditional masculine types that are not what I look for..too materialistic, driven to power at any cost, disrespectful, out of control and etc and the "nice" that I am talking about is too "neutral", a friend and not a love interest.

The "balance" I am looking for as I ask God for discernment is between the traits I really loved in the men in my family I grew up observing and a born again man of God who is a blessing as Psalm 1 mentions. The men in my family were good honorable but not men of God born again. Sometimes I feel a fish outside the water because cultural differences..but it is not only about culture any more, is about men really walking close to Jesus and maturing in the faith. We all need grace, restoration, transformation.

Yes I am active dating,looking for a born again, Christian, masculine traditional balanced man. yes I myself preparing, I do come across "sweet"and feminine to men I date and already realized I get frustrated and stop contact when I find out passive traits in men I am dating. I need to ask tough questions because people hide stuff afraid rejection, pretend to be someone they are not to please the other person. That is not okay. I do not want waste others time or my on.



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Your original question was about how to attract the kind of man you're looking for. Do you really mean ATTRACT them (i.e., you know where to find them, and you recognize them when you meet them, but they are not interested in you)? Or is the issue more that you don't know where to FIND them? Or is the issue that you're not sure how to recognize them?

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Yes, I want to draw them near me, for me to get to know.

I don't know where to find "the real thing"..I do attract men that at first seem to have the traits that I want but soon or later the traits are not there anymore..than I conclude they were pretending to be something they were not.



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Originally Posted by marcella12
I need to ask tough questions because people hide stuff afraid rejection, pretend to be someone they are not to please the other person. That is not okay. I do not want waste others time or my on.

Agreed.

Not sure there is an ideal place to find the kind of man you are looking for...but I know what you mean when you describe what you are looking for. You should have high standards and know what you want but also don't expect perfection that no man can meet.



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Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted by black_raven
Originally Posted by marcella12
I need to ask tough questions because people hide stuff afraid rejection, pretend to be someone they are not to please the other person. That is not okay. I do not want waste others time or my on.

Agreed.

Not sure there is an ideal place to find the kind of man you are looking for...but I know what you mean when you describe what you are looking for. You should have high standards and know what you want but also don't expect perfection that no man can meet.

Yes although I know there is no one perfect I may be a perfectionist or something..maybe idealizing the male too much..still I really wish to have a male for spouse with at least some of those strong "masculine stuff" traits that I really love.

It is something inside of me, and by "something" I mean my preferences, that are really strong automatic selection inside me, that makes me reject any thing that come across as "feminine" in a male or less than "my" masculine standard.. for a "man candidate" to be my man. I just pray and hope the man I want is alive, well, breathing somewhere near by and very happy and pleased to be who is really is. I do hope he exist and I will meet him someday.











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Originally Posted by marcella12
It is something inside of me, and by "something" I mean my preferences, that are really strong automatic selection inside me, that makes me reject any thing that come across as "feminine" in a male or less than "my" masculine standard.

Can you give an example of what comes across to you as "feminine"?

I have occasionally encountered men who seem to have a heightened sensitivity around what are masculine traits and what are feminine traits. By "heightened sensitivity," I mean that they talk about it A LOT. They are quick to label certain behaviors, fashions, choices as "gay" or "girly" or some other label to show that they are not masculine enough. With those men, I always get the impression that they grew up with a tremendous amount of anxiety about whether or not they were "man" enough (meaning both that they're masculine and not feminine, and that they're strong men and not weak boys). Sometimes I think it's just the general culture they grew up in, and sometimes I think it's more specifically the result of how their fathers treated them: the father always pointing out that his son doesn't measure up as a man yet -- because he's younger, smaller, less experienced, etc. As a result, as adults these men behave as if: if they can name everything in the universe is NOT MANLY, then they can do everything in their power to avoid what is not manly and therefore guarantee their own manliness. Basically, it's fear-driven behavior. Or at least that is always the impression I get.

So I think it's interesting to find a woman who has a heightened sensitivity to whether or not a man is doing something that she considers masculine or feminine. It definitely sounds like you are more attuned to that difference than the average woman. By that, I don't mean that I love girly men. I mean that it sounds like I'm less likely than you to classify the random behaviors of a given man as masculine or feminine.

But, to each her own. I probably have a heightened sensitivity to characteristics or behaviors that aren't at all important to you.

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Those dudes are around, but as a dude myself, I must say that we live in a culture that has in many ways been hijacked by the feminist movement, and has made Godly men out to be the most overbearing, hypocritical, controlling, jerks the world has ever known.

Thinking about your situation, I wonder if the problem could be that you are dating divorced men that have been devastated by their ex-wives leaving them while blaming them for parenting, being controlling, and so on.

I say this because I am a believer and know what the Bible says about rolls of men and women in a marriage, that the Man is to lead his family and love his wife, but at the same time, my ex-wife ditched the Church, views Christians as ridiculous, and blames me for the destruction of our family because I tried to control and parent her. In the mist of this she had an affair, started listing to rap music, dressed like your average college teenager, hit the bars, and did all kinds of other immature things. It was like being married to my rebellious teenage daughter.

To say that this has challenged my masculinity is an understatement. It has affected me in every way. Even as I write this I catch myself wondering how many other women will view my comments as being a controlling jerk.

The point that I'm making is that the feminist movement has done a good job equipping women to stand up for themselves, but with it, it's left women unable to balance that with being accountable to their mate or otherwise have a healthy relationship with a man. Men that have lived through this often come out the other side broken and unable to lead. They end up being passive and accepting of whatever their significant other wants.

There is a thread around here about being a mans man. Not sure where it went, but I'm sure Brain can find it. The point of the thread is to show men how to be men again.

ak



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Originally Posted by ak1
Those dudes are around, but as a dude myself, I must say that we live in a culture that has in many ways been hijacked by the feminist movement, and has made Godly men out to be the most overbearing, hypocritical, controlling, jerks the world has ever known.

Thinking about your situation, I wonder if the problem could be that you are dating divorced men that have been devastated by their ex-wives leaving them while blaming them for parenting, being controlling, and so on.

I say this because I am a believer and know what the Bible says about rolls of men and women in a marriage, that the Man is to lead his family and love his wife, but at the same time, my ex-wife ditched the Church, views Christians as ridiculous, and blames me for the destruction of our family because I tried to control and parent her. In the mist of this she had an affair, started listing to rap music, dressed like your average college teenager, hit the bars, and did all kinds of other immature things. It was like being married to my rebellious teenage daughter.

To say that this has challenged my masculinity is an understatement. It has affected me in every way. Even as I write this I catch myself wondering how many other women will view my comments as being a controlling jerk.

The point that I'm making is that the feminist movement has done a good job equipping women to stand up for themselves, but with it, it's left women unable to balance that with being accountable to their mate or otherwise have a healthy relationship with a man. Men that have lived through this often come out the other side broken and unable to lead. They end up being passive and accepting of whatever their significant other wants.

There is a thread around here about being a mans man. Not sure where it went, but I'm sure Brain can find it. The point of the thread is to show men how to be men again.

ak

You just described my dh and his experience with his ex wife.

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Originally Posted by curious53
Originally Posted by marcella12
It is something inside of me, and by "something" I mean my preferences, that are really strong automatic selection inside me, that makes me reject any thing that come across as "feminine" in a male or less than "my" masculine standard.

Can you give an example of what comes across to you as "feminine"?

I have occasionally encountered men who seem to have a heightened sensitivity around what are masculine traits and what are feminine traits. By "heightened sensitivity," I mean that they talk about it A LOT. They are quick to label certain behaviors, fashions, choices as "gay" or "girly" or some other label to show that they are not masculine enough. With those men, I always get the impression that they grew up with a tremendous amount of anxiety about whether or not they were "man" enough (meaning both that they're masculine and not feminine, and that they're strong men and not weak boys). Sometimes I think it's just the general culture they grew up in, and sometimes I think it's more specifically the result of how their fathers treated them: the father always pointing out that his son doesn't measure up as a man yet -- because he's younger, smaller, less experienced, etc. As a result, as adults these men behave as if: if they can name everything in the universe is NOT MANLY, then they can do everything in their power to avoid what is not manly and therefore guarantee their own manliness. Basically, it's fear-driven behavior. Or at least that is always the impression I get.

So I think it's interesting to find a woman who has a heightened sensitivity to whether or not a man is doing something that she considers masculine or feminine. It definitely sounds like you are more attuned to that difference than the average woman. By that, I don't mean that I love girly men. I mean that it sounds like I'm less likely than you to classify the random behaviors of a given man as masculine or feminine.

But, to each her own. I probably have a heightened sensitivity to characteristics or behaviors that aren't at all important to you.

"Can you give an example of what comes across to you as "feminine"?"

To me it is very obvious, I can smell them (lol)..just like observing the degrees women themselves are feminine and the other extreme some are butch masculine..I mean my "rejection" and selection is made by observing the way the individual man carry himself, by engaging them and observe the way he expresses, sound, moves, it can be a very fast process...now some may play an act, projecting whatever they think will attract females, but sooner or later will show up it was just an act. people can't pretend to be something they are not for long. People must be what they truly are not try to please others. Natural authentic is great.

Talking about cultures, father & son relationships..I come from a culture where divorced was not allowed and people started really divorcing by the 80's. Families were together for longer generations than here. As I started dating US men I was very surprised that many come from divorced family since their grandparents! There was no father around no close relationships between them, unresolved issues I do not want get involved with that situation. To much drama..I am 50 I really wish to enjoy a regular man with less past drama, at least a guy who has peace with his past, no ghosts.



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Originally Posted by ak1
Those dudes are around, but as a dude myself, I must say that we live in a culture that has in many ways been hijacked by the feminist movement, and has made Godly men out to be the most overbearing, hypocritical, controlling, jerks the world has ever known.

Thinking about your situation, I wonder if the problem could be that you are dating divorced men that have been devastated by their ex-wives leaving them while blaming them for parenting, being controlling, and so on.

I say this because I am a believer and know what the Bible says about rolls of men and women in a marriage, that the Man is to lead his family and love his wife, but at the same time, my ex-wife ditched the Church, views Christians as ridiculous, and blames me for the destruction of our family because I tried to control and parent her. In the mist of this she had an affair, started listing to rap music, dressed like your average college teenager, hit the bars, and did all kinds of other immature things. It was like being married to my rebellious teenage daughter.

To say that this has challenged my masculinity is an understatement. It has affected me in every way. Even as I write this I catch myself wondering how many other women will view my comments as being a controlling jerk.

The point that I'm making is that the feminist movement has done a good job equipping women to stand up for themselves, but with it, it's left women unable to balance that with being accountable to their mate or otherwise have a healthy relationship with a man. Men that have lived through this often come out the other side broken and unable to lead. They end up being passive and accepting of whatever their significant other wants.

There is a thread around here about being a mans man. Not sure where it went, but I'm sure Brain can find it. The point of the thread is to show men how to be men again.

ak

I am very sorry for what you had to go through. Myself had a Christians spouse who abandoned the faith and went down hill, became a stranger, substance addicted and etc It was a heart braking too, I understand we got broken but if I can say that: please do not give up, do not conform, do not be hijacked to the passive country. Arise and shine! Praying for your strength in your inner man. God Bless.

I am no feminist, dislike their excess. I do not know any female friend who identify herself as feminists.I have my own voice and opinions. I am going to try find this thread "man mans". Thanks!



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Originally Posted by marcella12
Originally Posted by curious53
"Can you give an example of what comes across to you as "feminine"?"

To me it is very obvious, I can smell them (lol)..just like observing the degrees women themselves are feminine and the other extreme some are butch masculine..I mean my "rejection" and selection is made by observing the way the individual man carry himself, by engaging them and observe the way he expresses, sound, moves, it can be a very fast process...now some may play an act, projecting whatever they think will attract females, but sooner or later will show up it was just an act. people can't pretend to be something they are not for long. People must be what they truly are not try to please others. Natural authentic is great.

You mean that you are meeting men who pretend to be more masculine than they really are? Interesting. I'm not sure I've ever observed that. I wish you would give a specific example.

Originally Posted by marcella12
Talking about cultures, father & son relationships..I come from a culture where divorced was not allowed and people started really divorcing by the 80's. Families were together for longer generations than here. As I started dating US men I was very surprised that many come from divorced family since their grandparents! There was no father around no close relationships between them, unresolved issues I do not want get involved with that situation. To much drama..I am 50 I really wish to enjoy a regular man with less past drama, at least a guy who has peace with his past, no ghosts.

Keep looking. My husband is in his early 50s. His parents divorced when he was 2. He's a very well-adjusted man. No drama. Totally at peace with his past. So I know men like that are out there.

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Originally Posted by curious53
Originally Posted by marcella12
Originally Posted by curious53
"Can you give an example of what comes across to you as "feminine"?"

To me it is very obvious, I can smell them (lol)..just like observing the degrees women themselves are feminine and the other extreme some are butch masculine..I mean my "rejection" and selection is made by observing the way the individual man carry himself, by engaging them and observe the way he expresses, sound, moves, it can be a very fast process...now some may play an act, projecting whatever they think will attract females, but sooner or later will show up it was just an act. people can't pretend to be something they are not for long. People must be what they truly are not try to please others. Natural authentic is great.

You mean that you are meeting men who pretend to be more masculine than they really are? Interesting. I'm not sure I've ever observed that. I wish you would give a specific example.

Originally Posted by marcella12
Talking about cultures, father & son relationships..I come from a culture where divorced was not allowed and people started really divorcing by the 80's. Families were together for longer generations than here. As I started dating US men I was very surprised that many come from divorced family since their grandparents! There was no father around no close relationships between them, unresolved issues I do not want get involved with that situation. To much drama..I am 50 I really wish to enjoy a regular man with less past drama, at least a guy who has peace with his past, no ghosts.

Keep looking. My husband is in his early 50s. His parents divorced when he was 2. He's a very well-adjusted man. No drama. Totally at peace with his past. So I know men like that are out there.

I do not think is uncommon men pretending to be something they are not..some join "manly" professions to man up themselves..military, law enforcement..there are bisexual and homosexual men around still in the "closet". There are men who doesn't like sports or more gentle in their personalities but are heterosexual. I do not like the appearance of feminine, effeminate, "soft" in a way that give away something is "off". Is just my strong preference. Some females may have no problems with those men.

Some people are well adjusted after parents divorce, some are not because neglect and being sensitive individual, aware they were abandoned or something. Before when psychoanalysis was popular mother was to be blamed for everything..but to some people they blame their fathers. Having issues, not adjusted. Many men take long time to trust and open up about issues. I do believe people have to look for a professional to deal with these type of issues, work in themselves with help of pro, and than look for a relationship later on.

Thanks for the encouragement. I am trusting in the Lord and working in myself as I look for my guy smile


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Today I hear Joe Ehrmann (former professional football player and coach, also a minister) speak on how damaging are the messages we send to boys when we say "Be a man!" He talked about the pressure to demonstrate societal norms of masculinity create some very counter-productive behaviors. It made me think of this thread. What if ALL men are doing their best to put forth a masculine front, but live in fear of being discovered as pretenders?

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I think he is speaking about the American football culture that includes athletes sexual conquests and $$$$ power sucess. Because the media model men on tv sitcoms are portrait very ridiculous, weak, losers, sex maniacs, drunk, drugged and etc It is sad.

Unfortunately many boys do not have a godly Father growing up, as Scriptures says how men suppose to walk. The lack of good models early on will lead young men to gangs and other types groups to belong to. This type of drive is natural because men in many societies belong to a tribe, there were elders, leaders and young boys learning early on with all of them to become a men. Now many are lone rangers and lost.


I found some stuff he says on: http://marcmwm.wordpress.com/2009/06/26/joe-ehrmann-relationships-and-commitment/

" The biggest most athletic kid who gets all the girls and grows into a man who makes big cash is set up to fail."

"That�s not what it means to be a man, nationally renowned sports educator Joe Ehrmann told a sold-out crowd Thursday night at Iowa City�s Englert Theatre. The crisis of this flawed sense of �masculinity� is a pscyho-social problem that eats at the foundation of community."

�How do you define �masculinity� ?� Ehrmann asked. �How does a boy know when he�s become a man? What�s a man give his life to? What are the virtues, what are the characteristics that define some kind of authentic masculinity?�


"Ehrmann, a former college football all-American and NFL all-pro, sees team sports as a vehicle for his program of �Building Men for Others,� that being a man emphasizing relationships and having a cause bigger than yourself."

"The athletic prowess, sexual conquest and economic success benchmarks for manhood are a lie, Ehrmann said. This clouds boys� ideas of what it really means to be a man."






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Yep. And I think his position is that the problem extends beyond the actual athletes to the boys and men who take those athletes as their models of manhood. Which is what leads me to wonder if ALL men are in some way "acting" a masculine role they feel is expected of them. I am wondering if what we understand as "masculinity" is only a performance and not an actual state of being. That's probably too extreme. But I do think it's possible that there is SOME PART of every man's perceived masculinity that is more performance than reflection of his authentic self.



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