She will not be in the mood! That is what we are trying to alleviate. Bring the body and the mind will follow! She needs to do this step in order to get the PAYOFF of the program. This is the key to romantic love, which is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

More time together leads to -----> in the mood to be together and meet each others needs

Would it be your suggestion to just leave SF off the schedule for now? If it happens so be it, if it doesn't at least her and I will assured the UA time we need to create the love we need.

Yes, you should schedule SF for the end of every date. But keep in mind that she will feel more like it at the end of an evening where you have just spent 2-3 hours meeting her needs. She will feel warmed up. Unspoken issues lead to a block in intimacy so be sure and have the pleasant topic conversation that I suggested.

Having SF will motivate you to meet her needs for several hours.

OK. I'm dreading her response to that request. I may just have to bring DR J back one more time (before our 6 month check up) to discuss this scheduling requirement.

We never discussed it and certainly didn't discuss whether or not we were scheduling UA time to meet those 4 needs. She did ask how we were doing in getting in the minimum hours.

I bet Dr Chalmers thinks you are scheduling it.

Hasn't your wife already agreed to do this? It sure sounds like Dr. Chalmers has been discussing it with you.

She never discussed a schedule. As far as meeting my need for SF she had me ask that it take place when my W had the most energy and least amount of distraction ... but never did the talk of a schedule ever come up.

Get in those 20 hours of UA time was all that was said to me and to us. But it's OK. If we struggle to get in the UA time I'll keep bringing it up so we get better at hitting those hours. That doesn't help schedule the SF which will have to be a part of this schedule. Resistance #2 I'm guessing.

My W is busy right now so I may be jumping the gun but I did text her the question of creating a schedule yesterday and she didn't respond. I usually give her time to digest things ... don't wanna look pushy or rude. She worked late again last night. I dropped off dinner for her and when she finally did get home I asked if she'd like to do something. She said
"Yes, you're going to poor me a glass of port and we're going to do something fun. Wanna play words with friends while we snuggle?"
"Most definitely".

Were your kids home?

At first but they soon were sent upstairs to their rooms. There they were either reading or sleeping.

While we played she talked about her fun at work (sarcasm). She sure works with a volatile group and a manager who is a conflict avoider.

I'm not sure I made the right decision ....

My W and I are both unhappy with our physical shape. We're both overweight (nothing obese) but certainly could stand to lose 10to20% of our body weight.

We've been tossing around a few ideas on what to do about it. We definitely have different ideas on how to go about this. So far no enthusiastic agreement.

Last week she approached me with this idea. A challenge. We challenge each other to see who can lose the most weight (I suspect she means percent-wise � not sure). I asked how she thought we�d go about actually losing weight. She said she would start working out and that we�d establish a schedule on when she would and when I would work out. I threw out the idea of working out together � maybe with a personal trainer in private sessions. She didn�t like the idea of a trainer (cost and someone watching, etc). I said I�d be willing to sell the weight room equipment to offset a good portion of the costs. She still wasn�t interested in a trainer or her and I working out together.

I stated I thought working out together would be a great opportunity for some UA time. That I know we�re struggling to find things we can do together � besides more of the same of what we do today. She still didn�t like the idea. She doesn�t want anyone (maybe just me) watching her workout. She�s taken Yoga classes before � not sure why she isn�t interested in doing the other. I didn�t push it. Makes me sad though cuz the idea feels like a good one.

I like the idea of a trainer because as I age I find I end up hurting myself (bad back, elbow tendonitis, bad knee caps, and of course the lovely plantar fasciitis). A trainer could help me maintain progress without injury. That did nothing to sway her enthusiasm � I realize it shouldn�t. I just wanted to be honest with her.

I was honest and said my initial reaction is that I don�t like the idea of a competition. That it may become something ugly or make someone feel bad if they weren�t having success. I told her I was looking for encouragement and an accountability partner not necessarily a competitor. She said she could try to do that if that is what I needed. She isn�t a nag so I have a hard time picturing her in this role.

During this talk I tried to negotiate the foods we keep in the home. I expressed my concern for having a hard time avoiding the bad foods in the home. If they are there I can�t seem to keep from consuming some of them. She�ll make cookies, breads, buy desserts from the grocery store, etc. Those things sabotage our efforts to lose weight. Meanwhile I continue to make about 90% of our meals and about 70% of those come from the Marlene Koch cookbooks.

She said I was just going to have to learn to stop eating them. Lol. Uhm � I just can�t seem to stop and it would be so much easier if they weren�t there � or if they were under lock and key (I�ve had her hide stuff from me).

I�m thinking the win/win is going to be her and I working out alone but working together to monitor, encourage and keep each other accountable. I am going to have to ask her to keep me honest on what I put in my mouth as I�m sure there�ll be all kinds of tasty but bad foods in the home.

I�m open to some feedback.

Would she be willing to use a trainer only to start you both off? A trainer could help you both establish a workout routine and watch you work out to spot problems. At our age, that is really important. I hired a PT once to watch me work out because of bad form when doing squats.

And would she be willing to TRY working out together to see if she liked it? Dr Harley considers UA time while working out together to be one of the greatest lovebank depositers because of the endorphins produced while working out. Or perhaps you could do your workouts alone and then go for a walk together every day?

I agree with you that competing would not be a good thing.

Hi Mel, thanks for the thoughts.

Would she be willing to use a trainer only to start you both off?

I won't know unless I ask. If I had to guess (based on my years of experience with her) she's self-conscious about her looks. She has stated she doesn't want to sweat in front of others . Again I assume it is due to her desire to always wear makeup. She has a scar. I, figuratively, don't even see it (it is a large scar) but I don't have to live with it every day. I wish I could make that go away for her.

And would she be willing to TRY working out together to see if she liked it?

I don't know. This isn't the first time I've suggested working out together in all the years we've been married. Some time years ago we went to a health club together. But she was in pretty good shape, shape-wise, back then.

Or perhaps you could do your workouts alone and then go for a walk together every day?

I often think about walking but then I�m always brought back to the pain I�ll endure with my fascia. If I could fix my feet a lot of my problems would go away. I can barely get through making a meal without creating quite a bit of discomfort. Walking would do me in. It normally does.

I agree with you that competing would not be a good thing.

I know. I was quite surprised at her idea. We both are kind of iffey when it comes to competition in other aspects of our lives. We do well to avoid them if possible.

Your comment about the good Dr is exactly why I thought this would be a great idea. I heard him say just that on a radio show. I would be so excited to see her make some positive steps toward making herself happier and at the same time more attractive. What better way to do it then to do it together. It would lead to some interesting conversations which is another thing we need.

Sigh. I have been mentioning that we need to find enjoyable things to do together. That the current list of stuff we do just isn�t that much fun for both of us. She just likes doing stuff together. I�d rather it be enjoyable for the both of us. This weekend she asked if I would go with her to return some stuff at about 2 or 3 clothing stores. Yikes. Uhm. Not really. I was going to do some necessary basement re-straightening. We were under a time crunch so we couldn�t do both. So unfortunately we went our separate ways for a few hours.

I, again, mentioned a UA schedule. She didn�t respond. Maybe she�s still thinking it over.

You can hire a PT to coach you alone, though. I don't like working out with other people either, so I would go when the gym was closed, around 7am.


Maybe the PT could help you find exercises you can do together.


But you get my point, right? If not walking, then something else. Maybe you could do weight lifting together at home? I think you can hire PTs to even come to your home and help you.

That might be the perfect solution for you both. Since she doesn't like working out in front of others, have the PT come to your house and work out in your home gym.


Why don't you start filling it out and invite her into the study to help you finish it? Don't get so hung up on activities. Just make it easy for now by planning dinners out, etc. Maybe target restaurants that are an hour away so you can enjoy the conversation to and from.

And if your wife LOVES to go shopping, why not prime the pump and add some shopping to your night? You can stand it for 30 minutes a couple of times a week, can't you? Even Dr Harley and my husband can stand it for a short time. And that short time MEANS SO MUCH.

Doing stuff together is GOOD! It gives you a chance to meet the ENs of affection and conversation. Were you holding out for the Super Bowl?? You need to just jump into this initiative and start priming the pump. The more you are together, the more you will love being together, and the faster you will be able to find things you both like.

Thanks Mel. These are all great ideas.

And thanks for the UA suggestions. That makes a lot of sense ... now that YOU stated it. lol.

Mr.A,
I agree that a competition would not be very MBish.

I would like to alert you to some nutrition information you might not be familiar with, if I may.

A few months ago, NatureGirl mentioned that she was concerned about her heart health since her mother and brother have some cardiac issues. I had heard a doctor speaking on MD radio about atheroserosis and "making yourself heart attack proof."

So I mentioned it, she looked it up on the web, we read the guy's book (together) and next thing I know we've cut fat from out diet.

Thing about this way of eating is that you learn that the fat/oil/cholesterol in the Standard American Diet is addictive. And, like Dr. Harley advocates, after 12 weeks of eliminating it, the addiction loses it's grasp on you and you no longer crave it. You also find a tremendous level of satisfaction and excitement eating things that you know are actually promoting your health and not killing you.

My BMI is 22 and I have energy like I never did before. I have minimal joint pain (still have a disc problem that feels better since we've started doing yoga on the wii a few weeks ago). I sleep great, and actually feel smarter (!!). I can walk up 8 flights of stairs, take a couple breaths and have a normal conversation. It's bizarre. And I love the food we eat. I'm not feeling deprived at all (except for that feeling of bloated fullness, lethargy, yuckiness I used to have a lot).

So, if this sounds interesting to you I would recommend a couple of resources to investigate for yourself.

Netflicks -- "Hungry for Change" , "Forks over Knives"
You tube -- "Dr. Esselstein" -- any speech, and "T. Colin Campbell"
Print -- "Prevent and Reverse Heart Disease" and "the China Study"

I like not having to worry about a heart attack (not that I did before, but I was gaining 5-10 pounds a year). Or Stroke, Obesity, Diabetes, Arthritis, or all the other chronic diseases that kill people in this country to the extent that we might represent the first generation in history that doesn't outlive our parents...

And since we do it together, we are accountable to each other. Since we practice radical honesty and openness, the temptations to eat something fatty is mitigated by MB principles!

Good luck!

opt

We are definitely in the mode of wanting to do stuff together. Each and every day once we�re reunited we toss out ideas of what to do that night. It�s nice knowing we want to be together even if we know we can�t always be.

One thing I think I�ll mention is that we are growing. We are working together as a team to improve the marriage. We don�t just go to our neutral corners hoping the problem will just magically go away.

For instance we had a lot of fun Saturday albeit it wasn�t UA time. The neighbors came down � less his wife. They have kids our kids� ages. This guy is a good friend � but he�s also been a source of contention for her and I because she crosses a line with him, at times, with their antics together. We�ve discussed this quite extensively the last month or so and so as soon as he left she checked in for a progress report. She did some nice things throughout the night where she was sure to be with me and not so much with him. She avoided any innuendos � that I can recall.

Interestingly though she continued to ask where she could do better and when I told her some things from my perspective (things that made me edgy) she got a little defensive and eventually told me (calmly) that she thought the problem was mine. I let her know that it bothered me. She agreed several times but each time went back to saying I was the one who may need to change. At that point I walked away. I had to as I was none too pleased.

We discussed it again the next morning and she agreed I was right. She said she just couldn�t see it from her side of the fence and that she�d need help down the road if and when it happened again. We may need a secret look or something so she can get the hint.

Another really good book on heart health is "Calories In and Calories Out" by Gary Taubes. He is a science journalist that has been published in several peer reviewed magazines such as Science Magazine. He reviews all of the major studies done on nutrition in the past 60 years.

Our knowledge base of nutrition for past 30 years has been very Unscientific because it has been politically motivated and is mostly complete nonsense. ["low fat" fad diet] I lost 50 pounds and greatly improved my lipid profile. My HDL [good cholesterol] is the highest my doctor has ever seen. [103] My cholesterol went from 318 down to around 200 with triglycerides going from 495 to 61, which is a great indicator of heart health.

Thanks Opt.

I've done a bunch of different "ways of eating". Low Fat. South Beach. Paleo. I had success with each but nothing long term as I was going it alone. Currently today I am preparing meals from a Marlene Koch set of cookbooks as it was the only eating plan I could get my W to agree on. The entire family eats what I prepare.

Our current conundrum. She likes her carbs (cookies, cakes, brownies, breads, etc). Heck I like them too but could live without them. She refuses or shuts down when I ask if they could be removed from the home.

I find trying to find the win/win in a situation like this requires a lot of brain power ... and patience. Fortunately she is suggesting ideas so that�s a step in the right direction.

FYI: I saw on another post that people with anxieties have a lot of trouble with addictions. That is my W to a tee. She�s taking meds for her anxieties and OCD (just went to her Doc to up them) but she is very susceptible to addictions. Just like her father who smoked and drank himself to death. It took a kidney stone and 4 days in the hospital while in her 2nd trimester of pregnancy to quit smoking. I fear she�s headed down the same path with her drinking and so-so eating habits and I�d like to see that change.