Or you could file for divorce, get custody of your children and have spousal support while you have this child. After you have the child you can either raise it while you go back to finish school or you can put it up for adoption.

But don't worry about your income, he can't just stop supporting you. He will have to continue to support you and your boys. And your boys won't be living apart from their mother. This is America, after all.

And after you finish medical school, you will have the ability to make a great income and won't be dependent upon him.

You have much, much better options than staying with an abusive man who will perpetually punish and control you by bringing up your affair. You don't have to live like that. Having no marriage is better than living in an abusive marriage.

You are role modeling horrible behavior for your children in the bargain. Is it ok if one of your boys stays in a marriage with an abuser? Or worse yet, becomes a mean abuser himself?

I see it as a demand. "Do this or else I won't be there for you" is a demand no matter how much he tries to tell you it's your decision and he's not forcing you to do anything.
If it's an intolerable situation for him no matter what you do, then why are you still throwing yourself on that wall? ML is right: you can have your current children, your unborn child, and child support. You are proposing a false choice for yourself if its either your new baby or your boys. You don't have to make a "Sophie's choice."

VP, let me give you a metaphor:

Politics, to the wise, is the process by which "A" and "B" get together and plan a way to screw "C"!

If "C" is your unborn child, would you prefer to be called "A" or "B"?

The legal divorce gave him physical custody of the kids and no alimony for me. As at the time of the divorce, I am not interested in him for his money, though it has I occurred to me that I need a plan in place should he leave.

Regardless, the issue is me making a decision, period, especially for the 2 boys I have already and the 3rd child as yet unborn.

More later. Thank you.

Now I'm confused. I thought the divorce petition wasn't granted, so you're not divorced. If not, there are no real, binding custody issues or support issues. I recommend that you go see a lawyer instead of letting your husband be the arbiter of truth.

He stayed with you as if you were married since 2008 so that indeed changes everything. As a matter of fact, you're now pregnant with his third child, proving in a legal since that for whatever reason he decided to stay married to you, regardless of any divorce decree.


Jesus said to the men for that one who never committed sin to cast the first stone at the adulteress. None did, and the one who had the right to judge told her he wouldn't, either, but informed her to change her ways. Have you changed your ways? It seems so. You appear to be putting him in a morally superior position and then allowing him to cast stones at you.

You are as valuable and worthy of love as your husband is, as any of the rest of us sinners are. Allow yourself to believe that. Don't let him go beyond your boundaries to hurt you, even if it means letting him walk away.

Thanks, SugarCane.

I still think it might be valuable for Mrs_V to speak with a lawyer herself.

I have to say it is unlikely she can get full custody of sons now if he fights her. Looks like he can just leave with both of them, since he has legal custody. Overturning that at this stage is no mean feat. But, V, you may still be entitled to support, especially given the current pregnancy's impact on your earning potential. (I'm talking support for you; obviously he's on the hook for child support.)

See a lawyer ASAP to suss out your options. The situation is intolerable.

Does your BH have any doubt that the child is not his?

Or is this going to be an OC?
Too many stories read to keep them straight at times.

Oh, of course. I was just clarifying that they did divorce.

Wait a minute? You are divorced??

So you already gave away the farm - and your children - in your penance campaign? What in the world were you thinking?

You need to get ahold of a lawyer and see what can be done to protect you. And for God's sake, go see a good counselor or life coach who can help you in your decision making skills. This is really pathetic for a woman of your age. You are too old to be this gullible and hapless.

I have to say that when this thread started in 2008, there were a handful of BHs - they were betrayed husbands, which I think is significant - who seemed to feel that getting divorced and handing over custody was JC, since the H was asking for this. They seemed to think that if the H would be happier knowing that this poster wasn't staying with him for security then the marriage might have a chance of surviving.

These were husbands who haunted the threads of certain FWWs and made sure they knew that they could never pay back the damage they had done with their affairs. They were of the "if you are serious about being repentant and remorseful you will put up with whatever your H does, forever if need be" school of advice. There was little to no Harley advice being offered at that time.

This poster was pregnant with her second child at the time this thread was started, and her state would not allow a divorce under those circumstances (I believe this is common across the states). Their first petition was denied. They therefore waited until that child was born and petitioned for divorce again...all the time posting here for advice, and not being advised to the contrary. I understand now that Dr H is firmly against FWWs (more so than FWHs) signing away their rights in the form of custody agreements or post-nups, because they are then held to ransome to the marriage in the fear of losing their kids. That is no way to work on recovery.

I believe Dr H's position on post-nups for FWHs might be different, because of their role in financially supporting the family. Certainly Dr H was more open to my H signing one if I felt too threatened by his long-running affair to commit to recovery. But for a FWW who gives up a single affair completely and returns to the marriage - no contract or pre-nup. I have heard that he advises FWWs to tear up any pre-nup that was signed before she sought advice from him. I understand, though, that as kerala says, it will be no easy matter to "tear up" the custody agreement that this poster signed as part of the divorce, which is of course, fully legal.

So, although the suggestion to divorce came from this poster's BH and not from the board...here we are.

And on this: this couple coached with Steve Harley for about six sessions, and I'm sure he did not know of this plan. Certainly they (or at least the H, who started his own thread while pretending not to be this poster's H) do not seem to have been following the Harley recovery plan all this time.

I was here during the period when post-nups were being advised left, right and centre.

Don't have time to do a search, but I do seem to recall it being standard advice, for at least a couple of years.

Perhaps it was something that Dr. H simply had not had brought to his attention. Because, looking at it now, a post-nup surely is the ultimate in "renters" thinking.

I realize that that is very different from this sitch - I don't recall DIVORCE ever being recommended as an MB strategy, per se.

Isn't it interesting to see the devastation that occurs on these forums that don't use MB concepts? Or uses them selectively? Look how many marriages were destroyed [or are still in limbo] from the bad advice given over on the old "Emotional Needs" forum year after year?

I remember when the roving gang of BH's used to batter FWW's with the concept of sacrifice. While it is heartbreaking to its effect here, MrsV greatly contributed to her own demise and continues to do so today.

MrsV gets some kind of payoff for her perpetual penance and I cannot figure that out. Maybe Dr Harley can. MrsV, would you email Dr Harley at his radio show and tell him what is going in your marriage? Let him know how you sacrificed your marriage and your children and are now pregnant with #3. I think you desperately need his influence in your life.

Further: the religion in question in this marriage seems to be Islam, since there was mention of stoning adulterers to death.

As I understand it, the religion dictates that fathers have the normal presumption - or whatever the proper term would be - of custody after divorce. A father might not take very young children away from their mother, but he would consider doing so with a child over about age 7. (So I understand, and I realise that I might be misinformed.) So, since this poster talks about "our religion", we can assume that she is in favour of this and willingly agreed to it on religious grounds.

I don't know if civil divorce while remaining religiously married is ever recommended by the faith, but the custody agreement seems normal. It is not an MB solution, though.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

The divorce was in the months after D-day, when I was 26 and even more mentally at sea. I think I asked the forum about it at the time, and there were those for and against it. DH didn't feel he could try to rebuild the relationship w/o the safeguards granted by a legal divorce.

I would say my judgment then, as now, was colored by my desire to make up for what I did and 'win' DH back at any cost. Clearly that has not worked out so well.

SugarCane, thank you for such a concise summary. A divorce never has been MB philosophy JC. I brought it up when coaching w/ Steve, but he wanted to focus on EPs, ENs, etc. I assume that had we still coached w/ him in the time leading up to the petition that was granted, he would have advised against it.

There are a handful of times in 'recovery' that stand out to me as knowingly bad decisions made for what I thought were good reasons. The divorce is one of those. It is certainly obvious that I need to find different reasons.

ML, you are correct that I have contributed to this, and only one spouse subscribing to MB philosophy makes recovery from what I did that much harder. My goal can't continue to be recovery at all costs. I have to admit that possibility apparently never existed.