It all seems rather extreme. Of course he is protected since his phone and email are through work. (I know convenient). He is masking a concerted effort to work less hours and listen and comfort when I have a"breakdown". I have to say, I was looking more for was to keep myself from thinking about things and not try and nail him to the wall. Do I think it's over? Yes... Do I think it could have been more in the past? Possibly. I also have to say that I thought of him "gas lighting" in the past so I kept things to myself. Now when I think up these things I tell him right away! Because I think I did nothing wrong in this situation and why should I have to suffer with the crap in my head alone!

A little spotlight on me: I'm 36. I have my in home business. Besides my physical appearance I'm the "perfect catch" according to friends. Lost friends before because they've said that their husbands or significant others compared them to me too often. Not proud of that, but apparently I've got something going for me. We have two sons 14 and 9. On the school board, sports boards, involved thoroughly in many other activities together. If it wasn't for this little black spot, is say things are pretty perfect.

Why are you here?

Your first post you wrote:


We are telling you that you are not crazy to be suspicious.
Something smells fishy for a reason.

We give you our experienced advice and you respond:


Really? Are you sure about that?

Congratulations on experiencing one of the many detrimental consequences of conflict avoidance.

Decreased self confidence and a need to pretend.

Link to thread <~~~ Read this and then comment.

It seems like you haven't wanted to scratch the surface because you thought you had a perfect life. I remember feeling that way many years ago. I couldn't face the fact that my ex husband wasn't who I thought he was. My perfect life was just an illusion. It won't be easy to discover the truth, but you can do it. Once step at a time.

I find it interesting that you compare discovery of the truth about your marriage to nailing him to the wall.

You were hoping we would help you "find a way to stop myself from thinking" ......

My vote goes to rational thinking. You are obsessing, and you are not thinking.

I see your path in life is one of unnamed anxiety. Because you are not willing to confront necessary truths.

Eventually, this will close your love bank to your husband, and you will be vulnerable to have an affair.

I know you don't believe me.

Probably this very conversation involves too much conflict for you, and you want to run away. As in ........


If you had the courage to confront things then and there, your marriage would be in a much better place. As would you.

Is this what you think it is? A 'little black spot'?

Nicole, how would you like us to help you?

I was trying not to make a scene! What good would that have been for anyone? I guess I'm just not an impulse reactor. I calculate many moves. I think 3 steps ahead... OCD, maybe. I wasn't looking to be attacked here because I thought tactics might be extreme for my situation. Maybe I'm a little naive, or a lot. I believe there are still good people in the world I was simply trying to feed my old soul some comfort and not in thinking that private investigators and GPS tracking systems were the only answer. That, to me, seems extreme. It almost to me sounds like "lawyer up" it's the end. Sorry. I can leave and I won't be a bother.

Discouraged here actually because I wasn't looking to be chastised for my feelings! I think that this forum isn't for me. You all have way too much experience with this and I'm a little too sensitive at this point to handle the criticism. Understand how much it takes done people to reach our before you start stabbing them in the heart.

You object to the challenge that you have avoided conflict. That is the source of you hurt feelings.


Another form of conflict avoidance is changing the subject. Inventing something we did NOT say, and taking offense to something that was NOT said.


No one said you were "a bother". Again, arguing a point that no one made.

I hope you do not leave.
I hope you stay on the forum and make an attempt to defend your position. That in is's self would be an act of courage, and not conflict avoidance.

Again, arguing something no one has said.

I agree.
There ARE good people in the world.
There, that is settled.

What I do not agree with is giving a woman (you) advice to "stop thinking" about an unresolved and very serious issue in her marriage.
You are hurting. Deeply. You want to put a bandaid over a festering infection.
We are telling you to cleanse the wound, not cover it up.

Good people in the world would agree with me.

By your own admission you suspect an emotional affair, maybe more, was happening. By your own admission, you do not feel you have the full truth about what happened. By your own admission, your WH still sees this OW regularly and it bothers you. By your own admission, your WH makes you feel like you are crazy about your concerns.

I understand wanting to be pat on the back and told it's all going to be ok. But that's not reality.

Your on a sinking ship and unless you take some action, your M is not going to make it.

Nicole76, my dear girl ....

The great advantage in your snooping is that you will be able to finally put your fears to rest after you fine there is nothing to worry about. What is deeply troubling you is that you are not so sure there is nothing to worry about.

Your choice is actually pretty simple:
1. Pretend you are not concerned/worried/anxious. Continue to doubt yourself.
2. Take actions that will discover/acknowledge if there is or there is not something to worry about.

If you see a third choice, please inform us what that is.

Please stop dissecting my posts line by line word by word.

Atta girl. Keep coming back.

I guess what I am trying to say (and that pepper has not been able to translate correctly) is that I'm pretty sure nothing is going on any longer. What happened in the past is questionable, I don't think it was much, but you can't help but wonder what could have been... It's very hard to prove the negative as someone said earlier... My problem is that my mind, my obsession, keeps taking me back there. Ivan tell you the date, the time, what everyone was wearing and what food they ordered... I don't know how to control that. Maybe that's the underlying suspicion? I don't know. I'm looking for coping techniques to get on to the "surviving "part.

I'm not looking for pity. I'm a tough girl. And I've actually earned the nickname "frank" in our circle because I tell it like I see it. I give the truth and we work backwards from there. And I'm not changing the subject. I'm revealing more information.

I implore you to read other threads of betrayed spouses. You will see that they all follow the same script. Right now your in the "if I don't believe its happening then its not" phase. Your feelings are very real and as a wife you know when something is wrong. What your WH is doing right now is what I call damage control. He knows you know something but not exactly what so he is covering his affair with attention and affection to you. It is to placate you so he can continue to live his double life. Follow the information here and don't leave. Read the thread and the links that are provided. Knowing is half the battle right?

Anybody watch Dr. Phil yesterday??

This lady sent over $180,000 to a man she never met, who lives overseas, promised her big money in return, and more desperate, that he loved her and they were meant to be together.

Turns out this guy is a Nigerian scam artist who found a mark gullable and desperate enough to continually send over money over a long period of time.

Dr. Phil showed her proof after proof including a Private Investigator's report and other documents that this "man" she was waiting on doesnt exist. It was truly excruiating to watch her continue to say that she still loves him and fully expects to collect $6 million sitting in a Cayman Islands bank.

Holding hands under the table, a picture of her on his phone, and the other things are your proof after proof that something not kosher is going on.

N76,

YOU came HERE! You came here asking what could be done to ease your misgivings about the dichotomy between what you suspect based on your own observations, and the story (and assurances) by WH that there is nothing going on.

AM I RIGHT SO FAR?

We, independent, experienced peer-counselors, have all given you the same advice -

1) snoop to get some additional information
2) expose the affair if the intel bears out what we recognize as likely

And you reject that advice? Okay, there may be reasons for such rejection, almost all dependent on your mental/emotional state. You may be highly risk-averse. You may have a high conflict avoidance quotient. You may be so "wedded" to the idea of your WH's fidelity that you must create a different reality. You may also be one of those sad souls who would like something, but is so "21st-century" that doing it themselves is inconceivable.

But one thing is NOT fair. You should NOT assume that we are anything but enlisted in your welfare. We have almost all gone through what you are now enduring, and FOUGHT through to the result we have achieved. No one here is barbaric, or unkind. We do not recommend difficult actions to watch you struggle. We recommend difficult actions because they have been proven to work.

(And btw: As attractive as you might be, having seen pictures of some of the folks who have posted to you, I'd posit it to be HIGHLY unlikely you are alone in being rated "WOW!" The only troll advising you is the one typing this note.)

Nicole,

Your "gut" is telling you that something is not right. If all were well with your marriage RIGHT NOW, you would not be having these feelings.

What is your husband doing right now that bothers you? Do you still socialize with this woman? If you read Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving an Affair", you will see that one of the steps to take after an affair (and most certainly, you husband had{?} an emotional affair, maybe more) is to never see or speak to the affair partner again. Every time you see her, you are reminded of what you saw, what you know and what is worse, what you don't know.

I hope you don't abandon this forum, but if you do, please get and read Dr. Harley's book.

AM

Are you obsessive in other matters?
Do you have a medically diagnosed disorder?
This is a real question. It would be an important fact.

I don't get the sense that you are, in general, an obsessive person to the point of malfunction. Your obsession seems pretty much targeted on this one area. Am I correct?

I know you are not looking for pity. You are hurting and you want to stop hurting.

Please, keep posting.