Wow. Sixty comments! Nicole, these folks care an awful lot about you. I can't believe you are still doubting that there actually was an affair. It has been my experience that couples don't usually hold hands in public unless they have been intimate. I would guess that your husband has been physical with this woman.

No matter that he deleted the pic and number off his phone. He knows the number by heart. Please follow the advice given here to confirm the affair. If they are still in contact there has probably been some communication between them about your recent behaviour. Even if nothing is going on between them at them moment, continued contact with her will be a constant temptation and will always have you wondering about what goes on between them when you're not around.

You are not crazy. It is only natural that everytime you see or think of this woman that the incident you related would come into your mind. The only way to get rid of these thoughts is to remove her completely from you and your husbands life. No contact whatsoever.

I do realize this now. Thank you. I'm making a plan to get some answers. It's going to be tough, since we don't use home computers often and he uses a work cell phone and email. Can I request copies of the phone bills be sent to me at home? I just don't have many options. I will look into the key logger. Since I've been so upset this week about it, I need to talk to him soon. I'm planning to ask him if he will start a new basketball team, that's where he would see her. I've already told him that I'm not going to the birthday party and he has said he's not going without me. And as sad as it will sound, it was comforting to get his quick and direct response. It took no fabricating and no hesitation. I know I'm naive. I'm learning. My heart wants me to let him be innocent until proven guilty, but my brain isn't allowing that.

Thank you to everyone for the advice. I have read all of it and taken it to heart. I don't want you to think I haven't!

The first step is to expose his affair.

Did you see this?

Keep posting Nicole. You are finding your own strength & courage.
Are you aware of the link between strength/courage and integrity?
An adult cannot stand firmly for their values/principles until they become brave enough to do so.

Keep posting.

Nicole. One of the biggest mistakes that I made was to believe my "friend" when she looked me in the eye and told me there would be no more contact.

I misjudged the power of the addiction and the lengths that my "friend" would go to keep my DH in her life. Never underestimate the OW. You have seen with your own eyes that your DH has trouble resisting her advances. She is able to contact your DH freely whenever she likes with her own husbands blessing since he believes it was blown all out of proportion. That is worrying.

Install that VAR /GPS in your husband's car. This will give you peace of mind if you find nothing. If there is contact, do not confront...come back here for help.

Just like Nerly, I too ignored clear signs there was trouble in my marriage. I was often distracted by my career and raising 2 kids. I got an actual verbal WARNING while it was an EA (emotional affair). I ignored it. They progressed to a PA (physical affair) after I ignored that warning call from one of H's work colleagues. I ignored him because I thought him to be an obnoxious sort. He called the house asking to speak to my H. When I said he was out of town, the guy said; "Maybe he has a girlfriend."

IMPOSSIBLE! My H is one of the 'good guys' Very Godly. And, my H was (mostly) treating me with care, especially right before he'd go out of town on business. He would make a grand gesture of some sort. I just KNEW he'd never do something 'like that'.

I did nothing. I increased my dislike of the caller, and did nothing to investigate the warning.

Their affair deepened into love. I regret my error.

None of us are stupid. We are all human. Whenever possible, it is wise to learn from the mistakes of others. We are here paying it forward.

All of this is water long under the bridge. More than 17 years ago !
Married 32 years this May.

Keep posting.

I agree ... here is a link to help you begin snooping in a way he will not be able to detect as a first step. Its a way to check history even if its been erased. here -- > http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2622512#Post2622512


I have posted SEVERAL ways to get access to stuff/delete passwords etc on the PC in operation investigate forum.

MNG

I have nothing to contribute but just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts. And to second the sentiments above. My H and the OW are both "good" people. The first time I found out I told him and her I wouldn't contact OWH as long as it was truly over. She contacted me and wanted to meet somewhere so she could "look into my eyes and thank me". This was days before I found out they were still communicating daily, talking about how they'd always love each other. *gag* They are each others' drug and will do stuff completely out of character. You can't trust them, they are not themselves, they are junkies! Good luck.

Nicole, another thing you can check on is to see if your H has her hidden in his contacts on his cell phone. My H hid his OW's phone number in his contacts under a made up business name. Check ALL of his contacts to see if her phone number is hidden under another name.

Again, do not let him know you are doing this, or any other snooping. You don't want to tip your hand on that.

I just have to say if I were in an A (and I have been) I would also jump at the chance to miss an event both my BS AND OW would be at together. That is just opportunity for disaster. It causes problems in the SSL when the secret life and real life merge together.

Also, you said innocent until PROVEN guilty. That is all anyone has asked you to do, for you to do a little homework and keep your eyes open, to find out what is really going on. Maybe you will prove him innocent. And maybe not. But there IS reason to believe a crime has been committed, so the research is warranted.

Can you get phone records and/or computer records from a year ago when you discovered the hand holding? My guess is that there was more blatant and obvious signs then. Anyone who holds hands under the table while out for dinner with their own BS's is so overconfident they are going to be sloppy. But once you caught them, it likely went underground and will be much more difficult to detect.

I am glad you stuck around, and weighed everyone's opinions. I am glad you are starting to see that nobody here is trying to harm you or cause you more emotional distress. We are just trying to help you avoid some of the mistakes we have made or have witnessed others making, to end this A, to get the truth, and to rebuild your marriage. All of those things can be done.

Good morning! I thought I'd check in and tell you all that while Hubby was asleep last night I gathered some courage and grabbed his work phone. I know you all say he deletes things... And he does. Found some silly inappropriate messages he had gotten from his dad and some messages about me from his mother, but went clear back into the deleted history a whole 8 months. Nothing... I found that he has "blocking app" on his phone. There is one number listed there and it's hers. He has blocked her from calling that phone. Yes he has a desk phone... But this is a good sign to me... I guess at least it makes me hopeful.

He has agreed to find another team to play in effective immediately. I myself will be telling the best friend, and team captain/organizer why. Just so he knows why and I'll let him decide of he wants to look at things differently after that. I hate that I have to give the husband restrictions on his activities. I've always been the opposite. But I politely reminded him that I did nothing wrong that day and these were consequences of his own actions. But that was after he told me he was leaving the team.

I looked into keyloggers. Don't need one for a computer, but I did find the name of his phone and I need to find out the operating system before I can get a spy app put on it. That's why I originally took the phone last night. I was trying to do this through years at 2:00am. I'm getting there... Hope you're proud. It's a big step for me.

Did you find any of these? Can you text if the number is blocked? I'm confused.


By the way...I am very proud of you.

nicole76,
No matter what the truth is, you need to know it and not be afraid of it. If you are afraid of what you will find why?

next....
My aunt separated and then divorced her husband of 35 years. She heard things from others that he was having affairs. She found things that showed he was having affairs, and he would tell her "his story". After 29 years of affairs and thinking she was crazy. Gaining and losing lots of weight. Of being affraid of what she would find when she came home, she finally had enough.
After she filed for divorce he finally told her the whole truth. She said she stopped being crazy and had peace. She was in control. She has an honest life.

Find your truth first then you know how to treat it.
dan

Hey nicole76. Yep, proud of you. Good on you girl! Knowing either way is so empowering. I can almost see that in your writing!! Keep up the hard work. Everyone here will keep urging you forward. It is a great help, isn't it? I hope you have a great day.

I am proud of you nicole. And I agree that it is a promising sign. I would continue with your snooping efforts though and make sure you are keeping this a secret from him. Can you find records from back during the time you caught them hand holding?

You may think that if something was happening THEN but isn't happening NOW, as long as it is over then water under the bridge. Not the case. My H's A happened a decade before I found out the truth about it, and I do not want you to find out a bunch of trickle truths for a decade before you know what really happened. If you do not have the whole truth about what DID happen (even if its not happening now) the lie will stay as a wedge between you, never allowing you to have a happy and fulfilling marriage.

You are doing good!

I only got back 8 months. I will go further tonight.

Yay Nicole!

I have a few ideas about what's going on, but I will wait and see what the next development is first.

Carry on!

Hurrayyyy Nicole!!

Good job!

It takes alot of guts to make that first move and you were brave!

Keep it up.