Thank you Jedi , I suspect that you could be correct. It is a very sad sad way to end thirty years , so hard to believe he can just walk away! To make matters worse...I come home tonight to seeping water in my basement, a broken tv and some kind of problem with my Cadillac and getting it to a dealer is a real challenge with distance and work schedules

File for D...one affair is hard enough to recover from. Serial cheating is a way of life for your WH. It is not easy but you'll be better off without him. Sorry for your heartbreak.

I know Mel that you think I should give up. I can't do it, I know his love for me is still there he has admitted he thinks and misses me. Her husband did find out on New Years Eve and she has left him and is with my husband right now.
The other spouse called me last night and we spoke to great lengths about each of our ws, he has no interest in reconciling, but did share much about her. Everything he told me points to heartache for my ws, he is not what she likes except his paycheck is his attraction for her....she comes from a basement suite we live in a million dollar home, need I say more! I also learned that this is how she ended her last three or four relationships, by cheating.
I am leaving the continent for a week and am worried he may do something stupid like sign a long term lease with her on a place. I so badly want him to know what kind of history this person has and to be careful or even slow it down
to dating but I fear he may not believe me and it will push him further away.....I would like to hear the thoughts of others do I warn or shut up?

Ow husband called me last night, we had a long talk and learned that they are complete opposites. He discovered on New Years Eve she left with two bags of clothes and is now at my husbands with him and his roommate. OS wants nothing more to do with her. Her history is this same practise every time she ends a relationship it is after starting a new one. She also has nothing in common with him, he is a biker and she dislikes bikers for example. He also told me they live in a basement suite, our home is a million dollar dream home, I'm certain she sees herself in my world....I leave the continent tomorrow morning for a week. I sooo badly want to share what I've learned and warn him not to commit to a long term lease or anything with her....but I fear he won't listen and will move faster......can I get opinions? Do I share or shut up?

no, do not share. you cannot educate a wayward. it would be far better if you did not have to take this trip. can it not be cancelled/postponed? you are in a crisis, and the affair is only going to become more entrenched while you are away. you need this time to fight the a, if that is your choice.

Agree with Letty. There's no point in trying to talk your H out of this OW, regardless of all her faults. Waywards don't listen to reason; they are in the fog and are driven by emotions, not logic.

Ok, I'm back, melody I know you think I should give up and file for divorce. Seriously I cannot, I was very hurt by your comment as I truly believe this is all happening for the wrong reasons. My faith will not let me let go of my vows without a fight, I feel I need to give it one more shot.

Since my last posting both my husband and his mistress have left and are living together. She is spending our money like crazy as evidenced by the credit card statement. My husband communicates with me very briefly by text every 3-4 weeks and directly with our daughter daily and son about once a week via texts.

He came for a 3 day visit about 3 weeks ago. We actually had a very enjoyable time together, as was admitted by him as well. All of his belongings are still here at our home and he has not filed for divorce. He has been making regular payments to our credit card so I can keep the bills current. He still says he is no longer in love with me however we have not fought in months.

I have tried to remain calm and focus on my lord but I'm feeling I need to do something more pro active. In the beginning I exposed as much as possible but finding her contacts other then employe was impossible. Her husband discovered the affair on New Year's Eve shortly after my husband left me. Within days she moved in with my husband and through a brief conversation with her spouse I learned he filed immediately with no chance of taking her back, he shared with me that she has left three previous relationships by cheating so this is a pattern for her.

Tonight I discovered she has re activated her Facebook and now have her Facebook contact list.

My husbands friend feels I should follow through with exposing to them....i would like to know the opinions of people on this site....is it too late to expose the truth about this relationship and dispute any lies that they may be telling about me?

Also, I have an appt with an attorney in May, this lady is in such demand I have been waiting to see her for the past month and a half. By that time I hope to have come to a decision about my future. Thank you for your input.

Dear CCWA,

It must be hard on you to go through this.

But you know what? Your husband knows the drill.
Every few years, if he feels like it, he finds another woman to his liking and hooks up with her. You make somewhat of a fuss, which he rather would not have you do. You and he are a sure thing. He knows you will wait for him and ride the affair out.

He knows you will always be there on the backburner and will catch up with you if things don't work out with the OW to his liking.

The impression is, that you want to sustain this marriage at all costs, which is in a sense understandable, money- and lifestylewise. The problem is though, that he knows that too. He knows he can get away with murder. Why should he change? You have obviously not given him reason enough to in the past.

Please understand that nobody is blaming you for his affair. That is all his own doing. But knowing his history, the path was layed out to make his affair possible. You know what Dr. Harley reccommends for serial cheaters:
- full transparancy
- no overnights away from the spouse
- no working with people of the other sex
- just compensation for the past affairs.

None of this seems to have happened in your case. It doesn't cost your WH enough to have an affair (your pain for one obviously means nothing to him) and he had the opportunity. It's really that simple.

Nobody can force you to divorce your husband. But you should know that the marriage will be like it has been up until now:
he will have an affair now and then, if he feels like it and you wil put up with it.
Only you can decide if your mental health will be sustained, knowing that your 'life partner' does not have your back and will cheat on you as soon as he feels he has found something better, something on the side, or if he feels like having sex with someone else for variety.

Ultimately that is your decision. In my opinion, that is not what constitutes a marriage, but he has obviously abused your spirit enough over the years, that you swallow it.

And seeing an attorney in May... Come on, surely you can do better than that? It just screams: I AM NOT SERIOUS ABOUT THIS. I will make a little fuss and if he comes back from this HO I will smooth things out as usual. At least you will know your rights. Trust me, you can do without the million dollar home and the Cadillac. Think about the fact that you might be happier in a 200.000 dollar appartment and a small car, but without the drama he is continuing to put you through!

Most people would not have to think 2 seconds to solve that one.

I wish you strength and wisdom.
My God bless you.

Happyheart

And because you write she is spending money like crazy it is time to go to an attorney ASAP to protect your assets and your children' heritage.

I took the first available appt. divorce lawyers are hard to come by in this part of the country as the divorce rate is so high the good ones can't keep up

Is it a waste of time exposing to the new list of contacts!

Your husband and his OW are wiping you out financially. You should put a stop to that immediately. There is nothing virtuous or smart about allowing these infidels to destroy you. Cancel your credit cards and do what you have to do to protect yourself.

"Ok, I'm back, melody I know you think I should give up and file for divorce. Seriously I cannot, I was very hurt by your comment as I truly believe this is all happening for the wrong reasons. My faith will not let me let go of my vows without a fight, I feel I need to give it one more shot."

There is no "faith" that commands that you stay married to an abuser. That is an excuse to avoid conflict. You are not fighting or your marriage, you are associating with evil. And we all know what the bible says about that. Do not associate with works of darkness - that is what you are doing. The plan you are in, Plan C, for compromise, is the most likely to lead to divorce per Dr Harley. He would tell you to go into Plan B and file for divorce to protect yourself legally. That is what you should do.

Your plan is harmful to you and makes it much less likely that you will ever get back. By competing with the OW for him, you make yourself unattractive to him.

Then take a divorce lawyer in another part of the country, or ask for an emergency meeting by phone. If you go lay in your sleepingbag in front of their door or cal 20 times a day, I am sure they will see you to get rid of you.