Sorry I haven't been on in a while. This is definitely an emotional roller coaster, and throw in 2 teenagers and a father visiting so it hasn't been easy.

Still in Plan A. And was reading how once you have all the information you need from the affair then you should never bring it up again. My question is how do you know when you have all the information you need? Obviously each person would have a different level of need. I'm a details person and I may have gotten more than I've bargined for. My H has been answering any qestion I throw at him. But it has to be the right question. He doesn't volunteer any info and has on more than one occasion "fotgot" small details.

I feel close to not bringing it up again just curious as to what advice anyone has or how anyone else coped with this. I don't want it to be a love buster or obsessive behaviour. I'd like to stop thinking about it all together.

But when is it time to move on??

The first step is to end the affair. That has not happened. He goes to work with the OW every day. Until he quits his job as a personal trainer, you don't have a marriage.

The time for Plan A is OVER. You should be in Plan B, a separation.


You will think about it every day until the affair ends. Count on it. And if he doesn't get out of there, you will be thinking about your divorce......every day.


When the affair ends and you start recovery. But as long as *YOU* are not serious about recovery, neither will he be serious.

When Dr Harley refers to not bringing up the affair, he means AFTER all contact has ended. Like I have said over and over again, you cannot do STEP TWO until STEP ONE is done.

You need to stay focused on STEP ONE until it is acheived. Anything else is a distraction until that happens.

The affair is over. He has resigned from his PT job and is on an LOA from the other until he finds another one.
I am in contact with the OWH to ensure NC. As well as completed full exposure to friends, family, kids, co-workers etc . . . . everyone on the list.

It's been a very busy couple of weeks.

I feel like I should clarify that at the gym we go to is very small.

H is a registered PT but only worked as a fitness instructor one day a week. He has no personal training clients and the OW was never a client of his. It is not a Gym that you can go to at anytime. There are designated classes and times. Although I found going to said gym a source of support because it is a close net group of friends, H and I will no longer be going.

I was not putting going to the gym over my marrriage. I was trying to put myself first and do something that I enjoy with people who support me. They all know. And it amazes me who steps up in this situation. News like this travels fast and I'm not hiding it. I will still keep in contact with those people but it was also a place that we both enjoyed going to together.

I now realize the effects of triggers and removed that paticular one.

Were you going to tell us this, so we wouldn't be wasting our time giving you advice based on a set of circumstances that has changed entirely?

I don't understand what the size of the gym has to do with it and am concerned that you didn't seem to understand that he couldn't go there anymore because he might see the OW. Are there any other existing opportunities for him to run into the OW that are being glossed over? Does she live close by?

Do you have a plan of recovery? Plan A is only for a couple of weeks while the affair is ongoing. If your husband has truly ended contact, then the next steps would be the recovery concepts. Not having a plan is a plan to fail.

Im sorry i should have led with that . . .


I don't think there are any other opportunities, maybe, how do I know for sure? There are 85,000 in this city. Plan is to move house as soon as a new job is secure. I don't know where she lives anymore as she left her BS.


It was less the size of the gym but more the support I felt there. I never felt he could run into the OW there unless she decided to show up to the class with me which of course was a possibility and I realized the error of my ways.


I am trying to build a plan of recovery, I am still in the staging of gainging all the info I need from the aspects of the affair.



I know this is the recommended time frame for Plan A, but I also know that it is a guideline and that one can stay in Plan A for however long one can survive it and cope. I'm still coping and trying to have my ducks in order before moving onto Plan B. As suggested.

BS3, the plan now should be recovery. Plans a and b are plans for an active affair. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? That book has THE plan in it.

My local chapter was out. As well as anywhere within an hours drive!!!

It's on back order, so watching my mailbox and email for it every day.....

Surviving on reading this forum, web site and trying to find the time to listen to the radio show...........

Did you try to order from the bookstore here? Or on Amazon.com?

Honestly I didn't. I was focused on just actually getting my hands on it.
If it doesn't arrive by Monday I am just going to purchase the iBook.

Does anyone know if it is as good as the hard copy. I know there may be worksheets etc. but are they available to print from the I book.

I also have the sample to read from right now.

Since you both have to read it and do lessons from it, I would get the actual book. There is another book that will help quite a bit and it is the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love. They sell it cheap on this website, but it will be an enormous help.

What kind of job is your husband looking for? Have you discussed occupations where he can't chase women? What changes are being made to his lifestyle so this never happens again?